Mother in law with breast cancer...help

Hi all, I’m new on here and have been searching all day for info and advice on what to do.

My fiance’s mum was yesterday diagnosed with breast cancer and I don’t know what to say/do. It’s my first experience of cancer.

At the moment, I don’t know what stage it has been caught at. All I know is that she’s going to have an operation soon and radiotherapy. Can anyone say why she’s having radiotherapy and not chemotherapy and is that a good thing?

Any help and support and advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks x

Hi JJ,
firstly it’s always a horrible shock when you hear the word ‘cancer’. What happened in my experience is that you and your family and friends get used to it, and you sort your head out a bit and it becomes a part of life. One thing to remember is that a lot of bc is now very treatable and it’s possible to live with it for a very long time.
Re the radiotherapy - that’s normal treatment with a WLE or lumpectomy for breast cancer. It kills off any cancer cells that might be left behind after surgery. Sometimes chemotherapy is used too, but only if the cancer has spread. You won’t know that for sure until the results from the surgery come back (usually a week or so after the op). It really is the kind of disease where you have to take each part as you find out about it - you can’t really plan at this stage.
As for how to deal with it as a family member, I’d say just take your cue from your mother-in-law. If you’re close to her, just chat about it and ask her how she feels about it. If she wants to talk she will. I personally wanted to talk once I’d been diagnosed, though I didn’t tell anyone while I was going through the process. Maybe cook a nice meal and have family time just to show support. I’m sure she won’t want to talk about it all the time, it’s just nice to know you have support available when you need it.
Another fantastic resource is the helpline - call them and they’ll be able to give you lots of advice and help.
Sending you and your mother-in-law lots of love,
xx

hi,

this site has so many people realing from just being diagnosed that it is easy to forget the effect it has on the people round them.

I would say your MIL would want you to treat her like you always have. If you often popped round by yourself or rang her, keep on doing it. If you only ever saw her on high days and holidays then I doubt if she suddenly wants to see you every day. But I would think she would want one phone call from you if you have not spoken to her yet

did she tell you herself or did it come through your fiance? You know what chinese whispers are like and so it would be ok to ring her to say you have heard the news but wasnt sure of the details. Then if she wants to tell you she will and might be glad of having you listen, I dont know if she has another half and how supportive he can be. Or she might be feeling private about it. You sound very caring and I am sure you will be able to pick up on what she needs.

And what about your fiance–how is he handling it? Men are not always good at showing their feelings. There was one man on this site who said “everyone keeps asking how my wife is coping but no-one ever asks about me”

I think your MIL is very lucky that you care enough to find out all you can about things. If you read the threads on here about surgery and radiotherapy you will be armed with some practical advice and some idea of what she is going through so that you are in a better position to support the whole family.

do keep asking question on here.Its a great community everybody is supportive and wants to help

Thank you so much to you both you have replied. My fiance told me the news two days ago when she told him (she didn’t tell anyone except her hubby about it until it was diagnosed), and I’ve since spoken to her and we’re visiting tonight…so hopefully I will find out more.

My fiance was upset at first, but, as you say it has suddenly become part of our lives and we realise that until we have more info about it then all we can do is be supportive and ‘normal’. I am worried about being ‘too normal’ if you know what I mean? Her hubby is fab, he’ll be supportive throughout.

So is having radiotherapy better than having chemo? I mean, does that mean it is likely it hasn’t spread? Even though she hasn’t had her op yet? Or can the docs tell that yet? Or am I being too optimistic?!

I’ll post more info on here when I know, and thank you again for the replies, it is very much appreciated xx

Hi again JJ,
sorry but you need to just wait and see. WLE and rads is the basic treatment package, but they might have to add stuff on as it becomes clear what’s going on. Until they remove the tissue and look at it and do the histology they really don’t know. That’s why you can’t plan anything, you just have to try to deal with each thing as it happens.
My own story started with being told it was probably nothing, to WLE and rads, to cancel the rads and do a mastectomy. But I don’t need any further treatment at the moment so I’m lucky. But it was around 8 weeks from the start till I knew that.
Hopefully it will be non-invasive and easily treatable. I’ve got my fingers crossed for her!
xx

yes its hard to know what is going to happen without more information.

once they have the lump out (and presumably she is having her nodes tested at the same time??) then they will know exactly what they have to deal with and what is the best treatment plan.

my story is biopsy showed it was cancer in a cyst so booked in for lump to be taken out and nodes tested last week. The nodes proved to be clear which means it has not spread to the rest of my body. I will find out next thursday what the examination of the lump will show. If the cancer has not spread out of the cyst I am not having radiotherapy, if it has then i will need radiotherapy. I asked about chemo and they said they do not know until they fully analyse the lump, but probably not.

One way to think about your MIL is that she is going in for an operation. If she were going in for a hip repacement you would be very concerned and offer her practical help and support but not as scared as you naturally get when you hear it is cancer. So I think it is good not to deny the surgery and the help she will need afterwards. She might be glad of an offer of your finding out practical advice of what to do before and after the surgery.

As to the cancer aspect you are going to have to take the lead from her, some people want to talk it through in detail, some people want to carry on as if it is not going to happen. Some people want everyone round them to be brave and posative and some people want it to be ok that they are feeling scared and worried.

If after you have had your meal and got more information do drop back here and everyone will try and help you make sense of it

My son’s partner just gave me a cuddle and said if there was anything they could do just ask. I was well aware of how awkward it can be for those you tell so I helped her along the way a bit with my responses.

Hopefully your fiance’s Mum will do the same with you.

JJ, how lovely of you to be so concerned.

When I was first diagnosed it was after a procedure called a core biopsy, where they take a small sample to see if it is cancerous. This is probably how they tested your MIL, it seems to be pretty standard. From the sample they examine the cells to see how different they are from normal cells. Grade 1 is slightly different, Grade 2 is moderately different and Grade 3 is very different. For tumours that are grade 1 and 2, and are small, they generally don’t prescribe chemotherapy because it is felt that it’s overtreating. What is often suggested for these tumours is wide local excision (lumpectomy) followed by a course of radiotherapy. The general concensus is that this treatment is just as effective at preventing any recurrence as a full mastectomy, so it’s not second-rate treatment by any means.

When they remove the tumour they generally also take out a lymph node or two from under the arm, to check to see if the cells have thought about spreading. You might have read about “positive nodes”, this is what is meant there. Even if nodes are positive that doesn’t mean that the cancer has spread outside the breast, just that it’s been trying to.

When the lump and node(s) have been removed they are examined under the microscope to confirm the grade, and only then can they finalise the treatment plan. It does sometimes happen that the grade goes up, but it doesn’t ever go down. This is because tumours aren’t uniform, and a sample may not contain cells from the most virulent part of the lump. They will also look at what type of breast cancer it is. There are lots of different types. The most common is invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC) which accounts for around 75% of BCs.

They will also look at whether it is receptive to the hormones oestrogen and progesterone (in which case they may suggest 5 years of hormone therapy, daily tablets) and they also look at whether it’s receptive to a specific growth hormone called HER2 (in which case they may suggest Herceptin, which is generally more effective when combined with chemotherapy). This is all general stuff though, and your future mother-in-law will get a treatment plan that is tailored for her specific circumstances.

A small correction to bubbletrouble’s comment, chemo isn’t only given if it’s spread, it is most often given for primary tumours that are grade 3, or large. It is also usually given if it’s been detected in the lymph nodes that they tested. If it’s grade 3 then often they will suggest chemotherapy in addition to radiotherapy, but again that very much depends on what your MIL’s surgeon and oncologist suggest. There are many different types of chemotherapy, and if it is needed the oncologist will suggest something that has been specifically tailored for your MIL.

You might want to suggest your MIL joins the forums too, she will find tons of support from people in the same boat as her. I know the forums have kept me sane over the last few months.

Have a lovely evening with your in-laws, it’s so nice that you care enough to come on here and I hope I’ve given you some helpful information. The Publications part of this site is also an extremely useful resource.

Someone else made the very good point that your fiance will also benefit from your support, nobody likes to be worried about their mummy, however grown up they are. Give him hugs too.

Good luck,

CM
x

oh hi chocciemuffin. I think they do it different in different areas. My hospital use a system on the biopsy going from U! to U5

U1–normal breast tissue
U2–non cancerous lump
u3 -could be benign or could be cancer (need more info)
U4–probably cancer but need more info to confirm
U5- defintatly cancer.

Also when i had my lump taken out my hospital offered a proceedure called sential node biopsy. A few hours before surgery they put a radioctive die in and map where your tiny sential nodes are.Then when you are being operated on the first thing they do is whip out these little sential nodes using a scanner to find them and put them in a machine in the theatre to analyse them. Then they take the lump out. By the time they have sewn the lump up the results of the nodes are ready. If its clear then they dont need to go and take the bigger nodes for testing, they know it just is not spreading. If its not clear they take the bigger nodes there and then. Well thats what i understood anyway. The breast nurse could tell by looking at my operation notes that the sential node was negative and so no nodes were taken.

yet another post code lottery on what to expect

OAL, the scoring system you indicate isn’t INSTEAD OF grading, it’s what happens BEFORE grading and is to do with how good the sample is and whether they can indicate from the sample whether the lump is cancerous or not. Once it HAS been identified as cancerous (U5 on the scale you described) then the grade comes into it. By the sound of it JJ’s MIL has been through that bit already, so I didn’t mention it - there’s already so much info in what I posted, I didn’t want to overload.

thanks for that – i am still learning.

Hi jj

I don’t have a daughter-in-law but do have grownup stepdaughters. One always remembers to ask ‘how are you today?’ the today on the end being important because it means I don’t have to just answer OK, I can say if I’m having a bad day. The other 2 rarely ask anything about me or treatment etc.

If you’re feeling generous with your time, you could offer to do your m-i-l’s ironing after her op, as she won’t be able to for a while, unless of course her fab hubby can do it. Many older men find ironing too technical though.

Hope all goes well for your m-i-l.

Hi - don’t forget your F-I-L! He will quite probably be in a daze!

As others have said, you seem to know M-I-L well, so take cues from her.

Initially, look at what practical help you can do round the op - a meal or two prepared may well be appreciated ad M-I-L does not feel like or isn’t able to cook (gender stereotypes I know but realistically how many men are regular cooks?) help with washing/ironing, even if that help id nudging F-I-L to help!

Paul.

Oh wow everyone’s being very helpful thank you all!

Well, I saw her yesterday, and she’s amazingly jolly (like she always is!) She had found a lump, had it biopsied, and she’s having surgery to remove the lump on 26th July, followed by radiotherapy.

She’s also going for another biopsy on Tuesday as the docs said it looks ‘suspicious’, so they’re taking another sample? Does anyone know why a second one is needed even though the cancer has already been diagnosed?

She’s also asking lots of questions about mine and my fiance’s wedding, and when we’re booking it (we’re all going abroad). I feel it would be incredibly selfish to book a holiday for next year when she’s going through all of this, and indeed make her book too. She’s asked for the dates we’re all going away, hotel details, prices etc and saying we must book it asap! Maybe it gives her something happy to focus on…but still I feel awful about it all.

Thanks again for all of your support…it really helps to get practical advice from you all xx

Hi Jill

if they are doing radiotherapy after surgery this usually means she would be having a lumpectomy. is she has a second area this may mean she needs to have a lumpectomy of two different areas or depending on the extent it may benefit from a mastectomy so obviously this can change her treatment plan.

she probably is just wanting something to focus on in terms of the wedding… although there is a lot of uncertainty at this stage in the diagnosis process and perhaps she fears for the worst… with 90% of women surviving 10 years or more following diagnosis there is lots to look forward to. its up to you whether to change your wedding plans or not, but normally there would be no rush to change them and if travelling abroad insurance can be quite high for 2 years following BC treatment… do whats right for you and your OH… im sure MIL will just be happy to fit in with your plans whatever they are.

Lxx

just a shot in the dark, perhaps its not another lump that is being biopsied, perhaps its that a second look at the nodes showed a thickening. I had a core biopsy of my lump and then a needle biopsy of a thickened node. The needle biopsy came back clear, just my nodes doing their jobs and swelling because of activitiy in the breast.

Hi Jill

Don’t feel awful about booking holidays etc I’m sure your M-i-L will enjoy having something to look forward to. If it seems appropriate involve her in the wedding plans- talking about the dress, food, etc etc. I have just finished radiotherapy and it has been great to have a trip planned to meet my new grand-daughter who was born a few days ago. You are right in thinking it gives her something happy to focus on.
Also Nottsgal is right to say asking “How are you TODAY” is the way to go because I felt different from one day to the next. My daughter rang me almost everyday throughout treatment (surgery, chemo, and Rads) to see how I was on that particular day not just in general. You might suggest your fiance ring or visit his Mum more often than usual and also as LargerBloke suggests don’t forget your F-i-L
Tell your M-i-L about these forums too if she doesn’t already know about them. She is lucky to have such a caring D-i-L to be.
Best wishes to you all.

Hi Jill thats lovely that you get on so well with your MIL by all means tell her about BCC Site she too will find it a great help
Re the radiotherapy YES that is better than chemo & hopefully your MIL wont need chemo

all the best to you all
Mekala x

Hi all, thank you so much for all the useful info…and reading all the other posts shows that there’s lots in the same boat.

An update - she had her biopsy of the lymph nodes on Friday, and results are Thursday, then the lumpectomy the following Tuesday. Shes incredibly positive and happy.

I also found out she had a mammogram last year that didn’t show anything up, so that makes me think it’s early stages…hope I’m not being naive there.

Thanks again to everyone, I will keep you updated xx

hi,

glad your mother in law is coping so well. And i am no expert but I would say if it was not picked up last year then that is so much better than someone like me who never had scans and did not discover my lump till it was 1.5cm.

Now I dont know how close you are, and you might not want to get personal enough to suggest this. But the best think I did before my lumpectomy was to get fitted with a comfortable sports bra with seperate cups and soft straps. I told the shop (bravissimo) that it was for post surgery and they suggested one that was not going to cut in under my arms in case there was a scar there and a size that was a bit looser for wearing in bed, and incase i got swollen.

It made me so much more comfortable after the op. I had a late bath one night and forgot to put it on. Woke up in the night and had to go and get it, I could realy tell the difference.

Fingers crossed for the results of the node test, not having to have nodes out makes the op quicker and easier to get over.

I am over 60 and its now nearly three weeks after the op, and I am firing on all cylinders, driving, drumming, everything.I took it easy after the WLE and did the excercise, think that helps, so hopefully Your MIL will recover quickly too.

as for waiting for results, you are still all in that horrible place. Waiting for the node result, waiting for the WLE result. Wondering what the outcome will be. All I can say is that lots of people on here do not need chemotherapy, (I do not know what the percentage is). I have read up all I can on radiotherapy and it certainly is not filling me with dread, more an inconvenience.

Everyone says, and from my experaince I agree, that once the results are in and you know exactly what the situation is everything is much easier to deal with. At least you are out of that dreaded waiting room