New lump, scared

Hi Everyone

I have to admit I am feeling quilty about posting when I am scared like this as most of the time I try to stay away and get on with my life as much as possible without letting it revolve around cancer, even though that it pretty hard most days.

So, fear drives me back here. I am at the end of the 6 cycles of Tax / Gem I was set, I have a meeting with my Onc tomorrow night and was maybe going to get a chemo break, and in the last few days a lump has appeared on my chest just to the right of my breastbone.

I am so so scared that it’s a new tumour, although it is really hard and not at all mobile, it was very painful yesterday when I was having my chemo and I pointed it out to my BCN, she didn’t look reassuring when she felt it. It is also visible on my chest. I seem to remember that there was a bony lump there anyway, which was revealed when my Mx took all the tissue away.

I was pretty happy thinking this was holding it all in check, and things were doing ok, but now I am in tears and scared so bad that it’s continuing to spread and this treatment has not really worked.


Oh Nikki

So sorry to read your post. I hope that the new lump is nothing and your onc can put your mind at rest tomorrow. No doubt you are in a mess, I would be too.

Just wanted you to know that will be thinking of you tomorrow and hope that you get some good news.

Love and hugs

Hi Nikki,

Sorry to hear you’re feeling down at the minute. If you need a good listening ear, give the helpline a call before you go for your appointment tomorrow and have a chat with the staff here, they’re here to support you through this. Lines open at 9am until 5pm (Mon to Fri) and sat 9am - 2pm, calls are free. 0808 800 6000

Kind regards,
Jo, Facilitator

Thanks Dawn, I am usually so tough, but right now I just can’t stop crying. I hate this disease and what it is doing to me, and what it does to others. Wish they could find a way to stop it for us all.

I don’t want to lose my independance, I don’t want to feel ill, I don’t want to hurt, but mostly I don’t want to die. I am so worried about my Mum, how it will tear her apart, and my OH, who will bounce back eventually I know, but I am going to hurt people and hate that.


Thanks Jo, doubt anyone could make any sense of me through the blubbering right now, but I will bear it in mind.


good luck nikki for tomorrow, it,s a worring time for you, thinkin of you

Hi Nikki,
just to say I will be thinking of you tomorrow really hope itis nothing sinister.
Try not to let your mind go to that dark place we all visit. Hope you get some sleep tonight.
Love Debsxxx

Hi Nikki

Just thinking of you and knowing a bit how you might be feeling because your fears so echo mine right now with visible tumours reminding me they are there.

Will fingers cross for you tomorrow…

Jane x

Hi Nikki,

I’m sorry to hear you are so worried and scared and I hope that things will be OK for you tomorrow. I have been wondering how you are as I remember you’ve been on gemcitabine too. I get my scan results tomorrow and I have to say, I very much doubt it has done much for me either. I hope I am wrong but…

So I’ll be thinking of you when I go into that little consulting room. Take care Nikki.


Will be thinking of you both today, Nikki and Jenny. Fingers crossed - but if it is the bad news you both suspect, really hope that your oncs have a good “next plan” to put forward. I’m off to see the liver surgeon this afternoon to see whether the next plan for me is a possibility at all.

Big hug to both of you Kay x

Hi Nikki,

my heart goes out to you. I really hope you get some good news tomorrow. Liza x

Hi Nikki,

my heart goes out to you. I really hope you get some good news. Liza x

Hi Nicky, Jenny and Kay,
Wondering how you got on today? At least the waiting will be over, and I really hope you all got the news you wanted.

hi everyone, posting this from my mobile in bed, been hell of a day and the peg is starting to cause pain so popped some painkillers and swimming away on them right now.

Onc can’t really give answer, thinks tumour behind pushing through breastbone, but can’t say for sure. So scan next Tues, more waiting… Thank you all for your support, made me cry to see ur posts, with gratitude and for all of us going through this. I hope good results came in for those of you getting them today.

Thanks to all of you. Will post news when know more.


Hi Nikki,

I was thinking of you while I was in the little room (sat waiting for absolutely ages…)

My scan shows stable for now, so more gem. for me to look forward to.

You will doubtless have swum far away - and back again - by the time you read this.

Take care,


Hi Nikki sorry you have more waiting to do- very hard - wishing you well…so glad your’re stable, Jenny

Hi Everyone. thanks for your support.

Jenny, so glad you are stable, keep it up ok!!

Had scan today, get results next week, hate the waiting. Was supposed to have day 8 Gem today, but the lab contacted my clinic last week to tell them that they ‘might’ have used a chemo drug (for lymphoma) instead of the base to mix my Tax last week and therefore I may have had 3 drugs by mistake. Great huh.

So my clinic got the box back out and ready for them to collect to analyse the contents and see if this did happen, when did they pick it up, bloody yesterday and it will take a couple of days to get a result. Nett result, my chemo cannot go ahead.

I am mad as hell, not because there may have been an error in my drugs (although that’s not great) but because there seems no urgency to find and and resolve, leaving me without my chemo dose today. This isn’t putting some files in the wrong cabinet, it’s screwing around with my life… arghhh

So, lots of waiting basically.

Hope you are all as well as can be right now.


Poor you Nikki. So sorry you’re having a horrible time.
What a horrible disease it is. Hope they get your chemo sorted out.
take care

Hi Nikki,
what a cock up, please complain I had a situation like that a few months ago the nurse was not happy with the tax she said it had too many bubbles in it so after 3 people checked it they had to make up more.
Hope you are feeling better we have enough to contend with without incompetence. Plus the stupid pillocks could have killed you.
Love Debsxxx

Hi Nikki

Can’t believe the casual attitude of the health ‘professesionals’ dealing with your chemo (well actually I can because i’ve experienced it myself). The NHS are like the politians, happy to give a poor service with no sense of responsibility.

I hope you get good news from your scan.