I thought I’d start a new post as the one I was contributing to has changed somewhat, and it was about sex after recon and I have’nt had a recon, but needed to off load about my bad marriage and sex life since BC, so here goes with the follow up.
I am nearly 3 yrs post diagnosis, have had mast, aixillary lymph nodes removed, rads, arimidex now tamoxifen. My sex life and general life with my OH has slowly deteriorated in those 3 yrs.
Yesterday we returned from our holiday of a lifetime. It was a good holiday (first ever with no sex). I tried on 2 seperate occasions to seduce OH, wore sexy underwear etc etc. Both times he huffed and puffed saying it was too hot and we could try later. Later came, no effort at all on his part. I don’t even want sex, I have no drive or desire since the op and tamoxifen did their dirty deeds on me. But I tried really hard for him, and to have some normality in our lives.
So I gathered from this that he really doesn’t fancy me the same as he did as he used to have a very active sex drive.
We had a couple of minor disagreements then one bloody great big one. No shouting or raised voices, but he said a lot of nasty things which seems to be his way these days. It was pretty rough and as usual, it was down to me to get civil behaviour back on track in order not to make the hol a disaster.
Then on our return I got news that my sister who has been ill for several months, had deteriorated and was in the hospice. So we drove there straight from the airport, saw her, she was so bad I didn’t think I would see her again as we live long way from her. I was right she died this am.
It took a couple of hours to sink in, and he was pretty nice, gave me a hug without being told too, but then thats it. This afternoon he started the nasty crap again and I just don’t think I can forgive him anymore. If he can do that today of all days. And believe me, I did nothing to provoke this other than ask him if he had used the knife I had had (he had brought some veg in from the garden).
That’s it. He started saying ‘why don’t I look properly, it’s there are you blind, is this you going crazy again?’ But you should have heard the tone. I was shocked, just couldn’t understand where this all came from. Boy he must really hate me, I know for sure he finds me unatractive and irritating as he often ignores me, or pulls a face or hufs. Honestly it’s like living with the enemy.
He also said he wanted to visit his brother over the weekend (the 2 days he said himself he needed to recover from the jet lag before work on mon). He lives 3 hrs away. I said could he come here for a change given that we have done so much travelling and driving and both have jet lag, not to mention the loss of a loved one. I thought this was reasonable, he said, well I’m going, you do what you want. Which I assume means stay here, I don’t want to spend anymore time with you.
So now I’ve off loaded what do I do? We had a trial separation last year in Sept but I came back. Things are actually much worse now than they were then. I am at a loss to know what to do.
I have mentioned Relate in the past but he just won’t give it a go, and to be honest, I just don’t want to fight anymore, I’m totally wiped out.
Thanks for listening