No sex, no marriage, no fun, no respect, what now?

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I thought I’d start a new post as the one I was contributing to has changed somewhat, and it was about sex after recon and I have’nt had a recon, but needed to off load about my bad marriage and sex life since BC, so here goes with the follow up.

I am nearly 3 yrs post diagnosis, have had mast, aixillary lymph nodes removed, rads, arimidex now tamoxifen. My sex life and general life with my OH has slowly deteriorated in those 3 yrs.

Yesterday we returned from our holiday of a lifetime. It was a good holiday (first ever with no sex). I tried on 2 seperate occasions to seduce OH, wore sexy underwear etc etc. Both times he huffed and puffed saying it was too hot and we could try later. Later came, no effort at all on his part. I don’t even want sex, I have no drive or desire since the op and tamoxifen did their dirty deeds on me. But I tried really hard for him, and to have some normality in our lives.

So I gathered from this that he really doesn’t fancy me the same as he did as he used to have a very active sex drive.

We had a couple of minor disagreements then one bloody great big one. No shouting or raised voices, but he said a lot of nasty things which seems to be his way these days. It was pretty rough and as usual, it was down to me to get civil behaviour back on track in order not to make the hol a disaster.

Then on our return I got news that my sister who has been ill for several months, had deteriorated and was in the hospice. So we drove there straight from the airport, saw her, she was so bad I didn’t think I would see her again as we live long way from her. I was right she died this am.

It took a couple of hours to sink in, and he was pretty nice, gave me a hug without being told too, but then thats it. This afternoon he started the nasty crap again and I just don’t think I can forgive him anymore. If he can do that today of all days. And believe me, I did nothing to provoke this other than ask him if he had used the knife I had had (he had brought some veg in from the garden).

That’s it. He started saying ‘why don’t I look properly, it’s there are you blind, is this you going crazy again?’ But you should have heard the tone. I was shocked, just couldn’t understand where this all came from. Boy he must really hate me, I know for sure he finds me unatractive and irritating as he often ignores me, or pulls a face or hufs. Honestly it’s like living with the enemy.

He also said he wanted to visit his brother over the weekend (the 2 days he said himself he needed to recover from the jet lag before work on mon). He lives 3 hrs away. I said could he come here for a change given that we have done so much travelling and driving and both have jet lag, not to mention the loss of a loved one. I thought this was reasonable, he said, well I’m going, you do what you want. Which I assume means stay here, I don’t want to spend anymore time with you.

So now I’ve off loaded what do I do? We had a trial separation last year in Sept but I came back. Things are actually much worse now than they were then. I am at a loss to know what to do.

I have mentioned Relate in the past but he just won’t give it a go, and to be honest, I just don’t want to fight anymore, I’m totally wiped out.

Thanks for listening

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irene i dont really have much advice hunny but just wanted to send you a great big cyberhug ((((HUGZ))))

your OH sounds like a bit of a pig tbh! you would think he would have tried his best to be understanding especially at this time of loss… and im very sorry to hear about your sister…

maybe its time for you to have another trial separation… or even go to relate on your own… he doesnt need to go.

just tell him you are going when and where and see if he makes the effort if he comes then you know he still wants try and make things work and if not you know where you stand… i had a terrible time with my ex and found my marriage counsellor of great help not just with my marriage but with lots of aspects of my life… she really gave me my life back and empowered me to do the things i wanted for me… and i did!

thinking of you

lulu xxx

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Hi Irene

I remember when you left him last time, how elated you sounded that you had managed to break away. I am no marriage counsellor and am the last person to give anyone advice on relationships and how to make them work. I am aware that some people live in a volatile relationship which seems to others like a nightmare, but are happy, deep down and can’t live without each other. But you need to ask yourself are you really happy or are you staying with him because you don’t know what else to do for the best? In this day and age, staying with someone who is constantly horrible to you and makes you so unhappy, out of a sense of duty or for the family’s sake or even because of financial reasons, is, in my opinion, a lame excuse and a waste of a life.

All the best

Cathy
x

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Irene

I’m sorry to read of your marital stress, not bliss. What an a**e he sounds - dump the chump. I don’t know how you go about this, change the locks while he’s away, put a suitcase with his clothes in at the front door and don’t let him in. I’m sure 101 other suggestions will be forthcoming.

You’ve got through this for so long and so often this maybe it is time to knock it on the head and stop looking for the good in him that isn’t there for you.

I see in another thread that he works in a hospice - unbelievable!!!

Maybe what he sees day-to-day just frightens him and he takes it out on you but that is really no excuse and he should admit that and explain it and mend his ways but you know he’ll never change.

Think about what brought you together in the first place all those years ago. Do those things still hold true? Do some of them? Has it irreconcilably broken down?

Going to Relate may be a good idea just to analyse things clearly with another mind looking in from outside. Even go on your own. Either way your life has to change with his input or without it. Your time is precious, you’ve just lost your sister, another change to adjust to, maybe this is the time for a broader change in your life. If you cannot leave or get rid then you’ll end un two chronically unhappy individuals licing under the same roof for financial reasons - could you bear that? It is the best you can hope for, for now anyway? You need and deserve better and forget about what he needs, you have haad showdowns, and his, emotions yet he continues to be a complete pr**k.

I haven’t got the answers any more than anyone else has but look after No 1 - and that is YOU by the way. Your life is unhappy so try and change it. Do you work? Can you do voluntary work to get out and mingle with people who need you and will value you, get on your own feet and move away mentally and eventually physically? It’s tough and more easily said than done, I know.

Keep us posted, we’re all behind you and wish you the very best. Would it help to attend one of the meetups (dunno where you live) for a bit of moral support?

Best wishes
D

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Hi Irene

Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear about your sister, especially on top of all this. You don’t need or deserve this and by the sounds of things, you have given this more than one ‘fair shot’ and sacrificed your own happiness one time too many while trying to put things right.

I totally agree with Dahlia about thinking back to when you first got together. I think that’s really useful, to run through all the things that made him ‘can’t live without’ (and maybe look at what it was about you that made him not able to be without you - although it sounds like you’ve been doing that bit already!) and if you can’t think of anything that remains ‘cant be without’ about him, you’ve probably arrived at your answer. Not sure how I feel about Relate so I wont pontificate but, and I know it sounds a cliche, but ‘better off alone than constantly unhappy’. OK, ‘alone’ is not always a piece of cake at first (having said that, some find relief quickly like ‘having a weight taken off their shoulders’), but the constant cr*p you’re experiencing at the moment is just plain destructive and unacceptable. My sister left a marriage which had been financially secure and now has hardly anything + 3 kids - although it’s tough managing all that, she’s far happier and has found a new parter, (3 kids & all), so it can work out. Whatever happens, you really do have to put yourself first.

I really think (and this is just my opinion) that if he doesn’t even respond to you trying your best to seduce him and give him what ‘he’ needs, (god, that must have been so f****** crushing for you, I felt upset just reading it), then I would have serious concerns about anything else being ‘fixable’. Of course, there are other things apart from sex that ‘he’ needs but if that basic affection and intimacy isn’t there and you’re getting ‘huffed & puffed’ at when you make an effort (how ******* DARE he!, He could at least have had the decency to feign a headache or something!), then he’s of little or no support to you and your needs.

I’ll stop now and leave someone else some space as I don’t really think I can add anymore and it’ll only turn into a rant! Just wanted to add some support of which I know you’ll have loads. These ladies here really are the best; they don’t clock off at 5pm or weekends, and we all care! It’s about time someone cared for you outside of here too.

Lots of love to you and everyone. Cathy xx

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Hi Irene, I’m really sorry to hear about your sister. It sounds as though your husband is not making any effort atall to support you or even meet you half way, and you have tried so hard. I remember when you separated last time, and at least you felt you had some control.
Whatever you decide, remember that your Liverpool friends are here for you.
Love nicky

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I am so sorry for your loss Irene. It is so difficult to lose a loved one.
It is also the time that we hope to be able to rely on the support of those closest to us.
It feels like a betrayal when that support is not there, for whatever reason. Well it is a betrayal!
Try not to do anything too rash at the moment. I know you have struggled for a long time, but you are in shock and are grieving.
Maybe a bit of time is what you need!

However, you need to ask yourself some harsh questions.
Will you ever forgive him for this?
Is the hurt too much to be able to salvage anything?
Do you still love him?
How does he really feel about you and will you ever find out?

I am not an expert but have been through something similar.
Sometimes the way we feel about ourselves colours things.
I really feel for you Irene and wish there was something I could do or say to make it better.

Julie

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Dear Irene

A few years before I had my mastectomy my husband stopped making any advances towards me (he had a very high sex drive before this). At the same time he stopped being affectionate towards me or giving me compliments. I assumed it was something to do with me - I had put on weight etc etc. Because he wasn’t being affectionate towards me I stopped being affectionate with him so it became a vicious circle. Finally I blew up and told him if he didn’t want me then he should go and give me the chance to meet someone who did want me. He then admitted he still loved me and wanted to be with me but he had lost his sex drive. If only he had told me this sooner then we wouldn’t have had all that heartache! He went to the doctors and had some tests but it was put down to his age, stress at work etc.

Since my mastectomy we don’t have sex very often but we hold hands, kiss and cuddle (yuck - I hear you all say!) and I don’t beat myself up thinking he doesn’t fancy me.

What I am trying to say is perhaps your husband has lost his sex drive, it is nothing to do with him not fancying you, but he can’t admit it so he starts being horrible to you and so it goes on … You did say he “huffed and puffed” trying to have sex - that sounds quite familiar.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I am so sorry to hear about your sister.

Love
Maude xx

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Hi Irene

Please accept our sincere condolences on the death of your sister.

This must be a very difficult time for you dealing with your loss and the reaction of your husband.

Please remember that our helpline team are on hand to talk if you feel it may help. They can offer support and information but more importantly just a listening ear if you feel you are able to talk about your feelings and concerns.

The number is 0808 800 6000. The are open until 2pm today and then re-open at 9am on Monday.

Kind regards.

Louise
Facilitator

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Dear Irene

I can’t begin to know how hard it is for you, I’ve read previous posts and from what I’ve seen it’s all been a one way street, with you doing all the work. From past experience I know this dosnt work after a while you have nothing left to give.
On top of this any half decant person would want to be with you when you’ve suffered such a terrible loss.

I don’t have any answers, but as others have said see a councilor if for no other reason to help you get your head straight and strong enough to make a decision based on “what you need and what’s best for you”.
Having to go through all this along with the after effects of treatment which I am coming to liken more and more to post traumatic stress is something noone should have to suffer.

You need someone to give you love and respect and he most certainly isnt even scrapping the bottom of the barrel in that respect.

I’m single but have 2 ‘physical activaties’ buddies as I call them, we have no ties no nothing and I fully expected them to both run for the hills they have given me no commitment like your OH has to you. Yet they have been so supportive and kind, one I fully expected to run as his mum had C last year and it hit him hard but no way even if I’m not interested in sex he just wants to be there incase I need anything. Infact even before I found out I had bc last year the only time we argued was because when it came to sex I felt it should be a 2 way street instead of him always putting me first! So not all men are selfish b****ds and personally I think you need to find one who is worthy of you because you obviously have a lot of love to give and at the moment I think it may be wasted on someone who does not deserve you.

No matter what you do it wont be easy but think there are a lot of folks here who will help in any way we can

Take care
g

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Irene -

So sorry for your loss and I am thinking of you.

I remember when you guys tried the slpit and how you were - I think breaking up is hard to do and especially at a time like this. You have got lots of good advice and differing perspectives from all the women on here. I think what Maude says is interesting and wonder if maybe emotionally he is worn out - he works in a hospice as I recall - friend who was a hospice nurse became very depressed and it ruined her family life. She changed to a general hospital where peopleactually sometimes go home well ad she is a new woman.

I am just realising that if we are not happy after all this treatment then what was it for? It takes lots of energy and courage to change things in my experience but hoping you find enough of both to make choices that improve your life.

You have been through lots

Sending love

Jane xx

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Hi Irene

So sorry that your holiday was not what you had hoped for - how terribly disappointed you must feel - and that things got worse when you came back. So sorry to hear about your sister.

I think the others have summed things up well and put forward many helpful suggestions.

It’s difficult, sometimes, I think to get inside mens’ heads - they do not articulate or recognise problems in the way that women do.

It does sound as tho’ you need some time to yourself, if only to recharge your batteries before deciding on your next step, whatever that may be.

X

S

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Hi Irene …I am devastated for you … when we chatted in Liverpool last year our lives with our OH were so similar …mine has been a bit more civil to me still no sex but whatevea …we are both making an effort due to our daughters wedding in few weeks time as I dont want any rows or moods or scenes to spoil it …he knows if he does this then that will deffo be the END .!!!
yu know that I am always here for you whenever you are down xxxxxx
So sorry for your terrble loss …love to you xxxxxx Maz xxx

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Dear Irene,you and I are at about the same stage in our bc trials[dx Oct 2006] and I have followed your posts over the years.I too remember how hard it was for you to make the break last time and how it was compassion on your part that let him back in.You really dont need this man love or the stress he causes you.I think that kicking him out while he is at his brother’s is a good idea-ring and tell him after you have changed the locks.
I am so very sorry for the death of your sister and his behaviour towards you since has been callous,not loving and caring at all.
My OH and I don’t seem to want sex at all and havent for a few years now but fortunately we have a close,loving relationship.Because the lack of sex drive is mutual that is fine[he is 73]but your case is different.Try to call it a day love,move on from him and give yourself a chance of happiness.
Whatever you do,my love and thoughts are with you.
Valxx

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Dear Irene,

I am sorry to hear things have gone so badly, sorry to hear about your sister, and shocked at how he treated you on that day! If I ever were to behave in that way, I just hope someone would be there to beat some sense into me!

Despite what I sometimes see people write, having a male mind is absolutely no excuse for the way he has treated you. Your husband should be doing everything in his power to support you in these hard times and if he doesn’t do that, then he just doesn’t deserve you.

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Hi Irene, sorry to read about your sister and even more sorry to hear of the lack of support from your husband. I can understand the hurt as my (please note) ex-husband gave me no support whatsoever when my dad died. Won’t dwell on circumstances but I ended up in a grotty council flat in an area few wanted to be in, but at night when I came home and locked the door I didn’t need to worry what mood he would be in or what he thought. It took a while to get confidence back but I did and have never looked back.
I never wanted to be in a relationship ever again, but I met someone who like me did not want any commitment and here we are ten years down the line having been married for eight.
Irene, don’t let anyone bring you down. You deserve better.
Hope one way or another you get things sorted out and will look out for any of your posts. X

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Sorry, back again. What I should have added is that I have become a much stronger person despite being dx with bc in May and the crap that goes with it.

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Hi Irene,
So sorry to hear what an incredibly tough time you’re going through and that for whatever reason you’re not getting the love and support you deserve and need.
I resonated with a lot of what you wrote. My ex-husband started behaving awfully and coming out with similar nasty,hurtful comments after I was diagnosed with secondaries last year and he ended up walking out on me less than 3 months later whilst I was on chemo and then put me through the most acrimonious divorce. It was hideous but I got through it andI actually feel that fear just ate him up and he was unable to see “me” anymore but just saw the cancer and so couldn’t be nice to me anymore as he just wanted something to blame.He just kept saying that all we had ahead was pain and suffering and yet I had been keeping well through chemo and was still working and leading a relatively normal life. I couldn’t understand how he seemed to change overnight after he’d been so supportive before but I think he just gave up hope.
However, you as I did deserve and need strength,love and support right now and so you need to work out if he really can give you this and if you want to work through it or if enough’s enough and you call it a day. My ex refused all offers of counselling,mediation etc. and was downright cruel which was out of character but it made me see that actually for me although it’s been really tough I am a lot happier on my own now. If you’d have told me a year ago I would be feeling so well and happy with all this on my shoulders I wouldn’t have believed you so I want to give you courage to do what’s best for you and only you can answer that. I have amazing friends and neighbours and can ask for help from many different sources when I need it. I can cry when I want to without upsetting anyone and can enjoy living in the moment which is what I’m learning to do.
Thinking of you and look after yourself.
Anne xx

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Hi Irene,

I don’t know whether you changed the locks or walked out or found some way of communicating.

The problem here is one of communication, he is not talking to so you can only ‘guess at’ the problem - those guesses are too your detriment - he doesn’t fancy me, finds me unattractive etc. Actually you don’t know what the problem is, and maybe he doesn’t either. What is clear is that you guys need help. You cannoy change him, but you can change your response to him, - so if he won’t go to counselling with you, then irene go by yourself. At least it will give you a chance to think in a supportive environment - which is a lot more than you are gettting at home at the moment.

This is terrible hard for you - but you know that the site is here to give you help and support, although it’s not the same, at least it’s something.

Take care

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Hi Irene,

First off, I am so sorry for the loss of your sister, and on top of everything you are already going through. Please accept my condolences.

As far as the issues you mentioned with your husband, I am shocked at the ILL advice given. Just because your husband is obviously having some issues, does not mean A) he is a bad person, or B) deserves being bashed. He is a man, who almost lost his wife. Put yourself in his position. By the sounds of your post, you are just as angry as him, and believe me it comes across. Anger doesn’t come out of “thin air.”

The best advice that I was ever given was: if you want more affection, GIVE MORE, if you want less fighting, FIGHT LESS, if you want to be loved, LOVE FIRST!!! Obviously you have to renew your love for yourself. Your body, mind, and spirit have changed. That’s inevitable after cancer. Once you are at peace with yourself, the peace will follow you.

I also agree with one of the previous posts about maybe your husband losing his sex drive. That is a blow to a man’s ego, and not something they like to talk about. If that’s true, he no doubt feels like LESS of a man, just like you feel like LESS of a woman, and those attitudes (even if you don’t say a word) come across LOUD AND CLEAR.

Have you tried any alternative therapies for the stress, anger, that YOU are experiencing? Yoga, EFT, Relexology - anything to help you restore your love, acceptance, and forgiveness of yourself.

Trust me…your husband will follow your lead!

Your husband has been through hell too. He deserves a medal of honor just as you do. Just my 2 cents for what it’s worth.

Jenny