Firstly…I am so very sorry to hear about your sister.
About your inadequate man…The word I want to use would probably not be tolerated in here, but hey ‘fkcu’ him, he is a drain on you. If he’s got problems with either you, his sex drive, his anger, his hissy fits…it’s his problem, he either gets himself sorted or takes a hike. No-one is worth THAT much grief.
Yes there are those amongst us who think you should grin and bear it. Sing a happy song, keep a cheery chin up…Go for councilling, blah blah
But not me my love, Oh no, once a man blots his copybook with me…he’s dumped!
Ive been single for almost 2 years ('no wonder’I hear you say ha ha). Well yes…it might be odd that Ive never married or had kids. Bottom line Ive never met anyone good enough. No point taking second best just to conform.
I too have had rejection and the feeling of being inadequate, but that was a long long time ago. Now would never NEVER have a man treat me with anything but the upmost of respect.
To be honest if I never meet a man again in my life, it will be no great disappointment.
Society makes us believe that ‘there is something wrong with us’ if we are not in some form of relationship, TOSH !!!
As for ‘giving the man a medal of honor’…I know where I’d shove it.
Ok rant over, seriously doll…get rid. Get your life back…take time to get to know yourself again…you may be pleasantly surprised.
Thankyou so much for your support. I am still here, not sure why, we still haven’t discussed stuff after the row from hell, def the worst yet.
He didn’t hold back, and is soooo bitter and angry. Apparently I am an awful person who is totally self centred.
I am very unsure what to do. I am very angry, with BC, life and him. BC has changed me that is for sure, I am far less tolerant, this I have to agree with.
Regarding his sex drive. I think he just doesn’t fancy me any more. Also, he is prob fed up of being put off when he has tried in the past. I find it very hard to get aroused full stop. Add to that his awful negative attitude towards me, who wants sex with a tyrant?
I am very mixed up. I still have love for him, he can be delightful, but mostly he isn’t.
I did ask him to leave as I work nr home and he could get a flat nr his work. He said I was bullying him (yet again?!)and he refused, saying he wasn’t going to get pushed out of his own home, even though he agreed we should split (first time ever he has said this).
I’m affraid money is an issue. Wish it wasn’t but it is. If I leave again I will not be going back. So have to be absolutly sure I am doing the right thing.
Will be looking at the flats available tomorrow. I’m going, it’s all pointless. He won’t move out even though our house is nr my work and far from his. He agrees it’s over.
The sad thing is he has been having counselling for the past 8 mths. Only told me tonight. When I asked him why he didn’t tell me he said it was none of my business. I was so shocked, 1 that he had gone (I’d been trying to get him to go for yrs), and 2, that he felt so strongly that he felt it was nothing to do with me.
I have had counselling myself, I believe it can be good and I hope it helps. But I can’t help thinking that his attitude towards me has changed markedly in that time and not sure it has helped ‘us’. He still refuses to go to relate, and is now telling me I need to go (alone to my own cousellor).
Maybe I do, but I don’t see the point in us going seperately when it’s our marriage that is causing me my main problems. BC is a walk in the park compared to living with him.
Just seen your latest on this Irene.Have been thinking of you and wondering how you were doing.Good on you making this decision. It isn’t an easy road but you will get through it. I had no idea how I was going to survive (emotionally or financially)when my husband walked out last year but I have and although it’s not easy and I still have my bad days I do ultimately feel a lot happier and more liberated than I have in years so I really hope you do too.
Be true to yourself and things will work out I’m sure given time.
Sending positivity and strength.
Take care,
Anne x
irene i know you dont feel that going to relate would help to go alone… however in 2001 i went by myself as my ex didnt think there was a problem… probably because he was quite happy having affairs and that wasnt a problem to him just to me… unsurprisingly!
any way my counsellor really helped me come to terms with the fact my marriage was over and how to make plans for my future and do things in life that mattered to me…
since then as a single mum i retrained as a nurse and a midwife and got distinctions for both my degrees… i have my dream job working in young peoples sexual health, i run the biggest UK student nurse website and collaborate on textbooks for nursing students and have had breast cancer twice.
it was really hard at the start but i feel really proud of what iv achieved and hope you can look back and be proud of yourself too.
lulu, you really are an admiration, you look so happy in your photo as well. i can’t really add anymore to irene’s unfortunate circumstance as i think the advice has been great so far.
irene way to go, you have made the best decision.
love reneexx
just read this thread and wanted to say how amazing you are for surviving this far, it is good to hear you sounding more positive now you feel you have made a decision. i also wanted to say that many of things you describe remind me of what has happened in the last 9 months or so with my husband. he is a gorgeous and caring man who supported me and our 2 boys incredibly during my treatment for bc last year. however at the end of last year/beginning of this things changed and a lot of what you have said happened between us… he was mean, angry, uncaring and everything was my fault… i was the most self centred person he knew… sound familiar?
here is where our stories differ, as awful as he was he continued to share…sort of, he went to the dr and was diagnosed with reactive depression ( to my bc ) he went on medication and went for counselling… it was a dark time and very lonely but he is getting better, in fact only yesterday he told me that he is so glad he didn’t do anything stupid regarding us and happy that he is still here. i totally relate to ‘bc was a walk in the park compared to this…’
i’ve shared this not to say you should stick it out, i wouldn’t presume to tell you one way or another but as a means of a possible explanation. if he is in a deep depression, what you need to remember is that all the nasty things he says are filtered by his illness. doesn’t make them right and he is so out of order not telling you about the counselling and what it is for. i just want you to know that none of it is your fault, you have not caused this.that you are still the lovely, attractive, special woman you’ve always been and don’t let him or his words or actions make you feel any less of yourself.
of course i could be so wrong about the cause of his behaviour and either way if he is not going to change or make any effort, that is what you need to respond to and base the decisions you make about the future on… not the cause.
i hope you get all the support you need as you follow thru’ your decision, not only on here but also in ‘non cyberland’
Just thought I would let you all know how I am getting on, and thank you for your common sense advice.
It’s been a hard few weeks, but I am leaving for sure. I have a flat but don’t get keys till 1st oct. I know it is the right thing to do. I am still at home but sleeping in spare room and we are getting on well but I am committed and have paid the deposit so it is actually going to happen.
No net at home as got a techy fault so not on here as often but trying to get it fixed asap, I am lost without it and keeping in touch.
Just thought I would let you all know how I am getting on, and thank you for your common sense advice.
It’s been a hard few weeks, but I am leaving for sure. I have a flat but don’t get keys till 1st oct. I know it is the right thing to do. I am still at home but sleeping in spare room and we are getting on well but I am committed and have paid the deposit so it is actually going to happen.
No net at home as got a techy fault so not on here as often but trying to get it fixed asap, I am lost without it and keeping in touch.
good to hear from you irene and glad you are gettingyour life sorted out, you will know a big difference once you have moved into your flat, at least you will know where you stand.
good luck with everything
reneexx
Only 6 more sleeps! Started packing and buying essentials, it’s going to be quite costly as I need even basics like a mop bucket! But I am resorceful and practical so it’s just the shortage of cash that will hold me back from making MY new home a lovely one. Can’t wait.
Irene,
Great to hear you are looking forward to the new start.A real home is one where you are happy and safe.I am sure you will makes yours a lovely haven.You have been through so much,I wish you much happiness in the future…you deserve it!
Love
Dot
xxx
I am looking forward and mostly I am sure the decision was the right one, though OH is very sad and it is hard to see him so unhappy. So far managed to distance myself from this most days, but had a couple of rough ones. So staying with a friend tonight and moving tomorrow.
Still no net at old house and wont have at new flat to start with, so may not be back on for a while. Thankyou all for your wonderful support, it has made the move easier, as I have been assured that my expectations are not too high, and that his treatment of me has been poor to say the least.
you will be in my thoughts over the next few days… weeks. you are a strong, beautiful woman and i hope this new beginning is good for you and you are at peace and living the life you deserve,
Hi Irene, Just to say we will be thinking about you when you move into your new flat tomorrow. No matter what has happened in the past this is bound to be a day filled with emotion. But here’s wishing you lots of strength to get through the difficult day…and hopfully it will be a new start of a better time in your life. Take care. Love Val