No sex, no marriage, no fun, no respect, what now?

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41

Hi there.

May I, as a bloke, put my 3 pennyworth in here.

My story is fairly simple. My wife and I got married just over 4 years ago. Within 8 weeks of getting married, she found a lump and, 3 months to the day after getting married she left hospital after having had a radical mastectomy. We had our first Christmas day together 2 days later.

Further Lymph node removal, Chemo and then Radiotherapy followed, and in the last 18 months she has had recon surgery for both the breast (plus another op to remove an infection) and nipple.

In all that time we have had sex twice. I dont think that either you ladies, any of the Cancer charities or the NHS realise just how much WE are affected by BC in you – to see that scar on the chest of the woman you love is probably the hardest thing in the world to cope with, and I still shudder (usually with tears) at the thought if it, even though it is long gone. The reasons for lack of sex? Well, first of all there was the recovery from the 2 operations, then the fact that my wife felt unwell during the Chemo and radiotherapy. Looking back I think the rot had set in by then.

I admit, I coped with things VERY badly. I did the usual male thing of retreating into my metaphorical cave every night after work.

However, I think that the NHS has coped with things even worse. I cannot ever recall being asked by anyone in the NHS how/if I was coping, or if I/WE would like to talk to anyone about things. As a result, feelings festered and the love has slowly drained away.

Oh, I`ve tried to read books and the like to help me get over it, but whilst there is plenty written for the actual patient, there is VERY little written for the partner (I think in one 250 page book there were 3 paragraphs aimed at the partner of BC patients, and that was more than most). Of course I was given the BCC booklet about how to cope – God what a patronising load of bullsh*t that publication that is; no wonder the author wont put their name to it.

So, at the moment, me and my wife are talking divorce next year. Oh, we still love each other, its just that we have grown apart and its a different type of love we share. I actually wonder if, at any point we had been offered counselling, things would be a whole lot different/better, and how many other couples are there out there who have gone (or will go through) the same thing all for the lack of somebody asking “How are you coping with your wife`s cancer, and would you like to talk to somebody about it, both with and without your wife?”

Please, dont badmouth or vilify us partners who cannot cope – blame the system for not letting us know that there may well be ways of coping.

Dont let the anger fester – ASK FOR HELP, even if you think you dont need it.

YOU DO!!!

Thank you.

Mark

42

Hi Mark.
It was so sad to read your post.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in May this year, it has been the most traumatic time of my life, all my family and friends have been wonderful and have all helped me to get through this, but l do remember thinking many times, what about my husband, he’s going through this as well! Sadly, everyone concentrates on the person who is ill and forget what an effect it can have on your partner and family. My husband and l always talked a lot, which l think helps, can’t you and your wife have a nice evening out and try and get a lot of stuff of your chest, you really need to talk about this and is it really too late to consider counselling?
My husband read your post but said he couldn’t understand some of your comments, he wonders why it upsets you to see your wifes scars, she is still the one you love. His comment on you saying you had only had sex twice was “twice, ask him what his secret is!” we laughed. I have to say, when we are going through all this, and my God cancer is a terrible thing to go through because it affects us mentally as well as physically, sex is the last thing on our minds, but with a loving partner it does return. What about a few kisses and cuddles first and let things take there course.
There are some great people on this website who will be happy to listen to you and help in any way. Please get in contact with them, l am sure it will help you. It will be so sad if you end up separating after your wife has gone through all this, and you,this has obviously been hard for you as well, this is the time to put things back to normal. You say you still love her, and l think you do, probably more than you admit, you have had the courage to write your thoughts down on here so you have made a start. Let us see if we can all help you along.Hugs to you both and l really hope we can help you through this. Barbara xxx

43

hi mark,

your post made me cry. i’m not sure what to write, mine and my husbands experience is on page 4 of this thread, i would say as a couple we have been to hell and back this year and the cause is my bc (he has reactive depression to my bc) i think we are finally coming thru’ but only as a result of extremely hard work… which is on going and we are both aware of how fragile our relationship is. this is after 19 years of marriage. our sex life is just beginning again… for me there truly was very little energy left over for that side of our marriage and then he was sick…

it seems to me that you and your wife hardly had time to put down the foundations needed in your relationship before this awful disease struck. what you both do in the future is your decision but something prompted you to post on here and just maybe there could be a glimour of hope somewhere. my OH has had counselling and every practical remedy going, that was for his depression… but my cancer and his depression are not seperate, they are intertwined as is our relationship.

you are right there is very little support out there for partners and this has come up before on here and maybe it is time we did something about it. however please know that there are many women on here who do understand the agony their partners are going thru… it was definately much harder to watch my man suffer than to go thru’ my treatment and i wish he had been prepared to talk at the time… opportunity was given to him.

something my mum always said keeps going thru’ my mind
‘don’t throw the baby out with the bath water!’ there was a reason why you chose this lovely, brave lady as your life partner, has that reason changed? is there a chance of a new beginning? which ever way you both go, i think you will still need to face what has happened thru’ some sort of counselling so that this experience doesn’t cloud either this relationship or any you have in the future.

be kind to yourself and keep sharing on here,

cyber hugs and tears,

lenny
xxxx

44

Hi Mark,

Thank you for making your points on here. It can feel a bit awkward posting in these forums when we have not ourselves had BC, but I do think there is a need for partners to support one-another.

Lenny’s story illustrates so well the need for support. (By the way, I think that is on page 3 rather than 4.) I think there is a very great danger for us that the stress of the situation, coupled with other stresses that may be an indirect consequence, can creep up on us without our realising it. By indirect consequences I mean such things as difficulties with work due to time demands and to difficulties in concentrating. (I have found this to be an issue for me and, even though I tend to handle stress OK, it has been difficult when coupled with the anxiety and sheer terror that is associated with the BC situation itself.)

I was drawn to some of the things BarbaraAnn’s husband said. I have considered myself fortunate to have been able to be a part of every stage of the whole thing, right from the moment we first suspected something was wrong. I first saw her wound at the same time she did and it was good that we were able to feel that loss together. Since then, it feels good to hold her scar and kiss her there simply because it is part of who she is now. I hope that makes her feel better about herself as well, and that is also a comfort. It is just part of the whole physical intimacy that is so wonderful. (She had her operation in mid-July.)

I can identify with some of your comments about the things that you are given to read. I bought a book that was written for husbands as it was recommended here in the forums, but I found I couldn’t read it because even in the first chapter I thought the things that the author admitted to having done were simply the actions of a prat. For example, having not been at his wife’s appointment, on hearing from his wife over the phone that she had been diagnosed with BC, then saying “I’ll be home at the usual time”! I don’t need a book to tell me that’s the wrong thing to do! We have to bear in mind, though, that some people do find those publications helpful. I guess we are all different.

I have also found it helpful to write a blog. Practically no-one else reads it, but it’s good to get my feelings down.

I do hope you and your wife are able to recover what you have lost. Lenny’s story seems to provide a lot of hope.

Perhaps we need to create something here to provide support to ourselves and other partners.

Best wishes,

J.

45

Hi Jansman.

What a lovely guy you are, your wife is lucky to have you and l am sure you feel you are lucky to have her.
Breast cancer is such an awful thing to cope with but with the love of a good husband we are able to fight it together.
I have never felt alone in all this becuase my husband Chris has always been there, at my side, all the way.

I hope your wife is coping well with her treatments and will soon be feeling back to some sort of normality.

Love to both of you,
Barbara xx

46

Hi all

Well it is nearly 2 weeks since I moved into my flat and I have been very busy. The flat was a bit grotty but in a nice place, so I negotiated a cheaper rent, and have been decorating and making it mine.

My OH had a breakdown when I left. He was behaving in a very odd way before, and I thought it was just anger, but I soon realised he simply couldn’t cope without me.

This came as a massive surprise, as he made me feel totally unloved and unwanted. It was a massive relief for me to move out but a terrible blow to him.

We have had a few meet ups since I left, and gradually we have both got a lot off our chests. We have frequently had communication problems in our marriage, not just since BC, but post BC I don’t think I was fully open with him. I did try occasionally, but after a few knock backs I stopped trying.

There was so much I never told him (but have now)and he kept saying ‘I didn’t know you felt like that, I’m sorry for not listening’. It was heartbreaking to see how he was suffering.

I still have my flat, and don’t intend rushing back to him, but I think we may have got over the biggest hurdle, and we may have a future, but sadly, it has to be on my terms, as I cannot live with him full time again because I do not think he can change enough.

We have remained friends and even went to a family party together at the weekend which totally confused everyone! Me being in my flat in my space has given me the confidence to stick to my guns and not be affraid of walking on broken glass, I feel liberated!

Good luck to Mark, my advice would be to try and meet on neutral ground and be totally honest about how you feel/felt and how to move forward. Our sex life dwindled just like yours, bit by bit with good reasons but the sex wasn’t the whole problem. Personally I feel that even if you don’t enjoy sex, most people enjoy the closeness of a hug, especially skin to skin, and this also helps a couple to bond. We, and it sounds like you too, have lost that bond and it will take time to re glue it!

Irene

47

I had been with my partner for 5 years and on the morning of the day I was to get the results of my biopsy he ended our relationship. I have not heard from him since. I will be going for surgery next week.

48

hy Crombi, mine is the same sort of story, I was with my partner for 12 years, we were engaged to be married. When I found out about my breast cancer I asked him to come over to my house to tell him, I did not think it fair to tell him on the phone. I told him what I suspected was going to happen to me. The very day I was to get my results he went to Tenerife to sort out the broken air con in one of his many apartments. I cannot forgive him for this. Your partner however may just need some time to sort himself out as it must be devastating news for him.
Crombie you take care of yourself, you need all your strength to get through this. I sympathise with you and hope you have family/friends who will support you at this awful moment of your life. I am thinking about you and good luck for next week.
Angela x

49

My husband told me that he no longer wanted to be with me. I couldnt believe it. I had no idea. I had just finnished 7 long months of cancer treatment, a masectomy lympth node removal, told I had an agressive cancer. Had the highest dose of chemo then radium now on tamaxofin. I had no idea, hes always told me he loves me, so I dont know any more, we did relate but wasnt much help. When I say ok im off he cries and says please dont go. All I wanted was to recouprate with the man I love, I really didnt need this and was soooooooooooo shocked by his words. We are trying but Im finding it very hard to trust his words.

50

It is terrible to hear the stories here of lack of support, and selfish partners, and partners who cannot cope. But as someone else has said where is the support for our partners. My husband has been brilliant, but has mentioned on quite a few occasions that there has been no support for him within the NHS, and that is true. Certainly it’s something that is worthwhile campaigning for - perhaps BCC could put it on their list. To be honest I’m not at all sure of how i would have coped if the roles had been reversed, Not nearly as well is suspect.

I wish the very best to all you women who are not only having to cope with this disease but are also having to cope with heartbreak of a different kind as well.

my love and best wishes to you

51

I agree with you Celeste. I do wish my now ex- husband had had outlets for his fears and feelings of helplessness and it is exceptionally hard for partners and males particularly find it hard to express feelings of weakness and being out of control.
Unfortunately he turned his fear into blaming me and trying to punish me for it all but I do understand that this was out of fear but that doesn’t take the hurt away. Support for partners does need to be addressed and perhaps in different ways than those of female sufferers as men cope with things in different ways.

52

I’ve just dropped in on this thread but I hope nobody minds my commenting. Mark, I was very impressed by your candour and hope you can use this forum to air your feelings in the future. That you can be so honest with yourself is very refreshing, I hope that honesty helps you sort something good out for the future of both of you. Irene, you sound as if you are well on the way to a much better outcome of whatever sort! Phew! Best wishes to all. x

53

crombi, just thinking about you, hope all is well and the op went according to plan. good luck and take care. Ang x

54

Had lump removed on Wed awaiting results now…feeling quite spaced out don’t know if it’s the painkillers or just the reaction to the chain of events.

Thanks to everyone for their support, it is soooooooo appreciated.

Crombiexx

55

Crombie, maybe it is still too close to my marriage break-up for me to be totally impartial, but I just wanted to say I think your partners reaction is totally unforgivable. He is a coward. I’m affraid I would’nt believe he just needs time to sort himself out as someone said. This is a sign of weakness on his part. Would you have done the same if he had been diagnosed? I doubt it, as in my opinion, women are definately the stronger sex.

I hope you are ok and getting support from others in his place. If you think there may be a future with this man, my advice would be to contact him sooner rather than later, and tell him exactly how you feel about your relationship and his abandonment, and get to the bottom of it before it eats away at you, and things become much tougher in the future.

But most importantly, you now need to look after you.

Please feel free to PM me if you want a chat.

Regards

Irene

56

Irene & Angi thank you so much for your responses.

I have milled this around and around in my head trying to come up with an explanation. At first, I gave him the benefit of the doubt telling myself that he was frightened and just ran.

It is nearly a month now since that fateful day and I’ve heard nothing from him. The relationship obviously wasn’t what I thought it was. It does hurt and just can’t comprehend how cruel he was. (Remember he did all this on the morning of the day I got my results, so he hadn’t (and still doesn’t have) any idea what the results were).

Would I have done the same if he had been diagnosed?..absolutely not!!!

There is no future with him I realise this and there will be no going back. I suppose I must be thankful he did it now so I can concentrate fully on myself whatever the future holds for me.

I am very fortunate to have great friends who are supportive and totally there for me I don’t know what I would have done without them.

Regards,
Crombie

57

Crombie, just to say my heart goes out to you. I must admit I’ve had moments when I’ve been afraid of how this bloody disease will impact on my relationship with my hubby. When I told him last night about what you’re going through he said, “Well just think how lucky you are that that isn’t going to happen to us.” And I now realise that I am very lucky indeed. Unfortunately we can’t control other people’s behaviour: however, you can be safe in the knowledge that you are a wonderful, loving person deserving of someone better than this “man” you had, and one day you will meet that person. In the mean time, focus on you and getting better and leave the past behind. Time for a new start!

Caro xx

58

Crombie

What a brilliant person you are, so together and coping on your own (with friends as support) You have absolutly made the right decision. He is history, and you can fully concentrate on you, something us ladies in a relationship with men rearly do!

Good luck for a bright and happy future!

Love and hugs

Irene XXX

59

Dear All,

Just to let you know that I received my results yesterday and it was papillomatosis. I just have to go back in 6 months time.

May I take this opportunity to thank everyone who responded to my post and for their support it was much appreciated. I wish you all the very best and my heart is with you all.

Regards,
Crombiex

60

Hi Crombie
I think I am glad to hear your news that it was papillomatosis and you say you JUST have to go back in 6 months, does that mean no more treatment? If you dont mind me asking what is this?
Angela x