Ang31a I have sent you a PM.
I have been reading through these posts and my heart goes out to all of you with marriage problems. I can see something similar brewing for myself. I had tried to protect my husband becuase he does not cope very well with problems but it had the effect of him not grasping how I am feeling about it all.
We agreed my daughter (who trained as a nurse) would come to my appointments with me, partly because he would have to take unpaid leave to come with me, but mainly becuase my daughter would understand the medical side more. He has been getting progressively more hostile towards my daughter and was really horrible and unkind to her on the phone yesterday which was her birthday. We went out for lunch and then I went back with her to see my grandchildren after school. I didn’t get home till 5.30 and he was raving on the phone to her when I came in. He is her step father. Her own father died when she was 17 and he was really cruel and unkind about her father during his tirade. He had drunk a bottle of wine so that was a contributory factor I think. I want to go to my neices for Christmas but am worried he will be rude and objectionable as he can be sometimes. I must admit I hadn’t given a great deal of thought to how he is coping with all this now and maybe his outburst yesterday is an indicator.
Oh dear! it is all just too much to take on, first BC now all this.
Warm hugs to you all. Vicky XX
Vicky, wine makes my hubby so arrogant, I hate him drinking it, you will be fine, you have came through breast cancer, men tend to bury their heads in the sand, just sending you a hug
love
Carol xx
The saga continues… If you would have asked me yesterday if my OH and I would get back together I would have said defo, yes. Today it is probably no.
Things had improved a lot, he has visited me here and me him down at our house though less so. We have had a couple of blips but mostly we were getting on really well.
Tonight we had another major row. It started very innocently with me saying my brother had asked me for all the familys addresses as he has lost them. This isnt the first time he has done this and I said it was a nusiance as it takes hours to copy them out.
My OH then said I was being insensitive to his current situation as he is stressed out (his wife has BC). I tried saying that wasn’t the reason as he had lost them many times before, but OH just turned on me, and suddenly I was this evil, self centered bitch!
I was so angry that he couldn’t see my comments for what they were, and that he insulted me by suggesting I didn’t care or understand the strains my brother is under.
Has he forgotten I had breast cancer too so know how it feels? And that I am currently taking anti depressants because of the stress I am under?! But no, he turned it all around as he is too fond of doing.
I am so mixed up, and don’t know what to do next. He left my flat angry and drove back to our house. Should I let him back in here. I am tempted to tell him I want a complete break for a time, but xmas is coming and our kids were meant to come to my flat (as it has more space). I’m feeling trapped again. Advice would be welcome.
Thanks
Irene
dear irene,
although you will do what you want to do, i’m sure your kids are grown-up, so my advice to you is to have a complete break, concentrate on yourself, afterall you already have done the hardest thing when you moved out into a flat on your own, remember how hard it was to do this.
your oh can’t seem to give you any comfort even though you now live apart, he probably thinks the amount of time you see each other it is only a matter of time before you move back with him, but he made a wee mistake of letting you know a leapard doeasn’t change his spots and if you let him get away with this blip things will just get worse.
move on and make a better life for yourself and have some peace and calm back in your life.
you can be strong, show him the worm has turned.
lots of love
reneexx
I agree with Renee Irene, - it doesn’t work does it. We can all be on best behaviour for short periods of time, but it seems his view of you has not significantly changed. He needs counselling - you probably both do (who doesn’t?), because there certainly seems to be a lot of transference going on here.
Maybe at some stage you guys can be friends, but maybe not.
I’ve been reading through these posts: been a while since I was here much because - like lots of people - I wanted to redefine myself as healthy after rads finished and I’d worked my way back to energy. But the AH (rather than OH) has barely touched me since diagnosis and I’ve been walking on eggshells hoping he would get over my disgusting weakness for succumbing to a repulsive disease and things would return to quite a decent sort of marriage … and he’s left anyway.
I had a call-back for an abnormality on a mammogram check-up last week (fortunately false alarm) and a simply vile colonoscopy this week (complications due to ovary removal that might need surgical attention) and he wasn’t around for either and, quite frankly, both were easier to deal with without him. Effing useless if you ask me and I’m better off with only my sweet, tough, stroppy 18-year old son.
However, it’s been a help to realise that my own husband’s increasing gloom and beastliness over the past 2 years since original diagnosis is not unique - though perhaps all of us might prefer to think it wasn’t just disease related? Or not? I dunno. I threw him out (asked him to leave) last weekend after he told me at a party 2 weeks ago that he wanted to separate. I wanted him to find the balls to say that he was leaving because he didn’t want a cancerous millstone around his neck or, at least, that he thought I was an aggressive bitch - but he burbles pathetically on about his unhappiness and his own fear of death due to his parents’ early deaths … I dunno what else. Loada crap if you ask me - he has the 50s itch and a sicko wife and he wants greener pastures so out comes the bs.
Well I’m not putting up with that. Out he goes with the rest of the garbage and I’ll deal with the heartbreak after I have taken him for everything I can squeeze out of him. Including our 18-year old son. And I don’t give a good g**d*mn about about not poisoning the kids’ minds against their fathers. If the guy is pathetic a-hole, make sure the kids know it - they can make up their own minds when they hear the other side of the story, if the git has the guts and commitment to them to be around to tell it. Oh, let me tell you - RAGE is the way to go until settled in a new life with the space to grieve. I’ll cry then, when I’ve dealt with the logistics. I’m looking forward to it. I even practice a bit times like now - but I WILL NOT GIVE WAY TO IT. We’ve all gone through so much - to give way to some cretinous little git wanting a whole perfect spouse instead of what he contracted to ‘in sickness and in health’? In yer dreams. Off with the old and on with the new!
Way ta go Mrs!! Let it all out… Ho Ho been there, done that…got the lop sided t-shirt… You just said it so well and with utter conviction… I wish you well in your quest, as like everything else, these things are never easy but I have a feeling your gonna be just fine.
Best wishes
Fiona xxx
Irene,
Although I can’t provide any insight on your decision.
There is one observation I would like to make. Your thoughts/feeling, etc are yours and you are entitled to them.
Your other half is not “entitled” to change them or criticize them just because he doesn’t like them. A nicer person might have said something like, “I understand you are quite busy now, can I help in any way?”
Is he of a controlling nature?
good god emelle you said it so well, wish i could express myself on paper like that, though i am quite good at face to face and never let my oh have the last word.
they have to know their place ha ha!
reneexx
I wish you well Emelle, its not going to be easy but it sound like you have the spirit to see you thru it. Go girl!!
Hello to all my lovely BC friends. I haven’t been on here for ages, and wanted to let you all know how I am getting on, and to give a glimmer of hope to those with similar problems to the ones I have had.
Just before xmas I had a breakdown. It happened in work. I wont bore you with detail, surfice to say a colleague said the wrong thing at the wrong time and I flipped. Needed help and got it from my new GP.
He diagnosed that I was suffering from depression. I have been on anti depressants now for a few weeks and I feel like my old self. Like before BC. The anger has gone, and boy was I angry.
My OH kept telling me I was, which made me angry!!! It is an amazing turn around. I am lucid, rational, caring and thoughtful. I was horrendous. Mind you, he was no angel and managed things badly too, but I can see so clearly now.
I was hard (had to be as had no support), and became very self centered (had to be as was living alone in our marriage).
We have reconcilled. We discuss problems in a civalised manner, don’t argue, I don’t take things personally, he is no longer on edge.
There is light at the end of our tunnel. It’s been a bloody long tunnel, but hope is at the end of it.
I urge you all to consider the deep rooted affect this illness has on all of us and our partners, and don’t rule out professional help.
Good luck to you all.
Irene
Hi Irene
just wanted to say it was lovely to read your post tonight and see how well everything’s going and wanted to say well done.
I’ve been “following” you just didn’t have anything useful to add or suggestions to help with.
I’m sure it’s been very hard and emotional but I’m so glad your sense of self has faught (spelling?) all the way and you seem to be coming through ok…
Thanks for posting and love and luck for the future.
Katie x x x
Irene how wonderful to hear your news - and a huge well done on acknowledging you had a problem and dealing with it. I have only recently learned after many years that marriage problems are not always what they seem, and often the people most closely involved have the most difficulty in seeing the wood for the trees. You have made me think about my own behaviour which isn’t always what it should be.
Good luck xxxx