Now he's decided he doesn't love me anymore!

Hi

Sorry to bother you all really but I don’t know where else to scream at the moment. I was diagnosed with high grade extensive DCIS in Feb 07 and had a WLE in Feb followed by a mastectomy in March 07. I have been on tamoxifen since then and have had one further op on my reconstruction. I’m due to have a second mastectomy as I was high grade and further work on my reconstruction on 10th March. I’m 36 and have two children, my daughter is 5 years and my son is 18 months. Now I’ve done all my history, I’ll get to the point, my husband who I have been with since I was 18 years old has now announced that he is no longer in love with me and doesn’t know whether he is going to leave me or not. He has been unhappy he says for a long time and that it is nothing to do with the cancer. I feel I can’t talk to my family as they will be too emotional given what has happened in the last year. I don’t really know what to think and this may all seem a bit confusing but what is it about men?!

love Debs

There are no printable words to describe how wicked and selfish your husbands behaviour is.He obviously doesnt know what love is if his has died and he can tell you at this time in your life.As Shakespeare said ‘‘Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds’’.Can you find the strength not to wait for him to 'decide’whether he is leaving and suggest he go while you decide whether you want his continued presence?

Not all men are like this,its not because he’s a man its because he is a person who is struggling to make sense of what is happening but he is doing it at your expense and the childrens;that is what is so wrong.Good luck.horacexx

Hi debbie25

I am feel really sorry for you. i experienced the same problem last year. i was diagnosed with Dcis but only grade one, the tissue was removed and up to press everything has been ok (no further treatment needed) My husband also told me he didn’t love me’ he was in love with someone else, I fought to save my marriage and wouldn’t give up,i did suffer though, some of the things he said and did were totally out of character for the man i had been in love with for 15 yrs. I found out that while I was going through the emotion of the biopsy-waiting for results and surgery he was having the affair.We are now trying to make a go of it although the other B**CH
still works with him.

Now exactly 12 months on i have been for my annual mammogram and have calcification’s in my other breast and am awaiting a surgical biopsy. I keep thinking back to last year and the way he behaved with me, I thought he was one of these men who can’t deal with the possibility of serious illness ,he didn’t want to talk about it and seemed to carry on as if I wasn’t giong through any worry(I now know why he was behaving that way) On this occasion he seems more sensitive, listens when I want to talk.

You need to talk to your family, you can’t go through this alone and shouldn’t have to. as time goes on you will be a stronger person. I begged and pleaded with my husband but after a few weeks I became hard and when I called his bluff and told him to go it made him realise that he needed me. To have gone through what you have ( I can only imagine) proves you are a strong woman and if he can’t see this then you are worth better.

No-one can tell you what to do - how to feel and what the outcome will be but,I know you must feel devastated and don’t know how you can carry on. As for men well they will always be little boys I could say a lot more but the language would be to much.

Keep your chin up and don’t let him walk all over you.

Love
sammax

Dear Debbie, so sorry to hear of your husbands reaction…he’s either totally confused or really unfeeling. Only you know this guy. I have had surgery and am in the middle of chemo, but I am also a Mum and a Nanna. Can I suggest that you must tell your family if things get any worse? They will support you, and will want to provide emotional ‘safety’ for your children. I’m only saying what I would feel if it was my daughter going through the same thing. My husband of 22 years is a dear man, tolerant, patient and loving, but my cancer has produced all sorts of unexpected reactions in him. I have been shocked by moments of short-temper and real emotional distance. I think he’s really frightened, and sometimes ‘escaping’ must have appealed to him. Keep writing to us, it will help. Wish I could come over right now and give you a big hug and take the kids out somewhere fun!
hang in there, Lynette x

Debs,
Just read your post and my heart goes out to you.
Do you still love him?
You need to sit down and talk about your feelings and not just his.
Do you feel there is anything worth saving from your marriage?
Bloody men they have no understanding of what it is like to face this b…y. illness.
Lots of love and hugs.
Jugsy

Oh Debbie, I am so sorry. What a nightmare, on top of what you have already been through with two little ones and the energy and time they take, you must be absolutely drained, and wondering where your own happiness lies in this equation. It must be impossible to see, but it will come, please believe it will come.

What is it with men? I wish I knew - but sometimes, I think, some find it hard to feel they’re not the centre of the universe. I think they are just wired so differently, not really Venus-and-Mars but… it’s awfully hard at the best of times, and when your own emotional and physical reserves are stretched to the limit, you can’t always centre everything around them - nor should you need to.

I hope you can keep lines of communication open and this is a good place to scream…

(((( hugs ))))

Hi Debby

I feel for you so much, if you really can’t talk to your family could you talk to a macmillan nurse, i know sometimes it is easier to talk to someone outside the family because they are not emotionally involved as are family and friends, i really wish i could say something to help you god knows this is the last thing you need after all you’ve gone through…
Love to you and your family Mizzy XXX

Hi Debs

Well whatever strengths you might have ever seen in him I don’t think “timing” was one of them!

From his perspective it’s very difficult to tell whether he is having a knee-jerk reaction to the prospect of potenitally losing you or he just wants to escape from the situation - for whatever reason.

As everyone else has said this is clearly the last thing you need at the moment. This is hardly a time for you to sit down and analyse your feelings for him either with everything else on your plate.

I can understand you not wanting to talk with your family for the following reason … if it all works out well in the end (which I hope it does) then you may not want them to know. If you are not worried about this one then just tell them - you might be surprised at what they say.

Having said all of that I think that the most important things are the following :

  • you need to look after yourself and if he’s not going to be helping as much as you expected then you are going to need help from elsewhere and family are the most likely choice
  • however it goes you will get through it and you never know what is round the corner - life is funny-peculiar sometimes - what starts off as a disaster can often lead to another door opening - you just might not know that yet

It’s probably best to take one day at a time and make sure that you are getting all the physical help that you can get so that you can rest as much as you need to. You absolutely have to look after your health - the only person who is going to do that at the end of the day is you.

At least you’ve got all of us - we will always be here for you and help you through it the best we can.

Sending you a massive cyberhug >>>>>>>>>>

Lots of love
FizBix xxx

Dear Debbie

How awful, cant imagine going through all this without my husband as he is the one I totally tell everything to and treatment really is quite testing on even the better relationships.

I do so hope he gets his act together, but if not and he really isnt going to be there totally to support you and the kids in your hour of need is he worth having around causing more worry and strife. At this time you and your kids are most important, not him, is his sudden burst of feelings genuine or is he running sh*t scared as unable to handle it all.

If you cant talk to your family, and I totally know that feeling, how about mates, BCN or even GP, my GP was fantastic when I went through some low points and was totally freaked by Onc and surgeons I think they are more used to listening and far more intouch.

Good luck if thats the right word but in what is right for you and your kids. Remember they will be more happy if you are.

Take care, Debbie x

Hi Debs

So sorry to read your post. If you can’t speak to your family could you speak to someone else for example a Relate counsellor? It’s easy for him to say he’s been unhappy for a long time, why hasn’t he done something about it? You may find your family are very helpful and whilst it may be difficult to tell them you will then get the support that you need and not feel isolated.

I don’t know whether this is helpful or not but you have to do what is right for you.

Take care love
Cassiexx

Hi everyone

Thank you so much for your kindness!!! I’ve taken on board everything you have all said and last night had a good old moan to a female friend of mine about it all and her advice was pretty much the same as all of you. I don’t know how I feel about my husband now - we haven’t really talked since as he seems to be throwing himself into his work - he’s there now and goes back almost every evening when the kids are in bed. When ever I try and talk to him about what has happened he says that he ‘can’t go there anymore and that he has moved on’, but it’s not as easy for us is it?! When I asked him about having a second mastectomy he said it was up to me and wouldn’t talk about it at all - now the op is looming on the horizon I wonder how he will react. My head is telling me to ask him to leave - as you have said I have enough to deal with without him causing more problems - but to be honest I wouldn’t know where to start in doing this and worry about the affect this would have on the children.

Thank you so much again for all your help and take care everyone

Love

Debs x

Hi Debbi,
Really feel for you just now - what a lot you have to cope with. Your hubby sounds incredibly selfish or maybee he just can’t get his head around your diagnosis. if it was me i’de put up with things for now, get the operation out of the way and see how you feel in a few months time. You all need time to adjust to the situation and the children need a bit of stability - I’de reaccess the situation when you feel stronger and then if he hasn’t bucked up his ideas give him his marching orders! You are stronger than you think.
cheers
caroline

Really glad to hear from you Debbie, been looking for some news that you were ok for the past three days! Can only agree with Caroline, dont choose right now to make the split. He has to carry on with practical support until you get through this, even if he cannot give you emotional support. To be honest it sounds like he’s having the notorious mid-life crisis, you were togehter a long time before the children came along, and then your diagnosis…NOT making excuses for him, just trying to help you come to terms with what might be happening. You are probably far stronger than him; doesnt fit the romantic image of the big strong arms around delicate little female, but that is reality for most of us!
Hope you can hang on to the beleif there’s a silver lining to this cloud, and glad you have a friend nearby to talk to as well as us.
With much love, Lynette

Hi Lynette & Caroline

Thanks for your replies, I think your right and the best thing is to stick it out at the moment. I go in for my pre-op on Tuesday and then the big op the following monday, when I mentioned it to him last night he said that I had to concentrate in building my self up for the op now, I did think about saying then why have you knocked me down so far with what he has said but thought better of if. My grandfather is also not doing too well at the moment, he’s 95 bless him and has had a really fit and healthy life but seems to be going down hill very quickly at them moment so that is focusing my attention at the moment as well as sorting out for the children whilst I am in hospital. My mum is coming back from Scotland on Thursday so she can help out with the children. I don’t really know how to tell my 5 year old that I am going into hospital - last time I told her that mummy had a bad bit that the doctor had to take away, she has been so brave through all of this and hopefully as she is at school now that will fill her time while I’m away.

Thanks Again and take care!

love & hugs

Debs x

Hi Debbie

Hope all goes ok with your op. I can’t believe how much pain and turmoil you must be in not only with your health problems but also with your husband and your grandfather.

Everyone will be thinking of you.

Many hugs

xxx Sue

Hi Debbie,

I am new to this site and just reading through everything. I can’t add to the great advice everyone has given you re your husband and marriage apart from to tell you that it is perfectly ok to be completely selfish right now - your practical needs are the most important thing to get you through the next stage of treatment, surgery etc. I just wanted to say that my son was 6 when I was diagnosed and has found the whole thing really stressful - but involving him as much as possible, and trying to explain what was going on in age appropriate words has really helped. They have such incredible imaginations at that age that seeing things as they are helps them not to feel scared so I have taken my children to the hospital - shown them exactly what happens and drawn pictures to explain things. I found that my drawing a sort of ‘time line’ of what was going to happen and when, and crossing things off as I did them really reassured them that there would be an end to the process. Anyway - I am wishing you loads of luck for the op and I know that when it you are ready you will find the strenth to deal with what is happening with your husband…

Love Mary x

Good luck Debbie, with everything…My son (29) was far more upset by the surgery/ chemo than my grandson(5) and granddaughter (3). They just seemed to take each thing as it came, and tried to be careful of my sore bits…

We will all be thinking of you on monday (( x )) big squeeze!

Hi Debbie

A long time ago, my son had cancer as a baby. He is now a strapping 16 year old but having a major crisis like that really showed up the flaws in personalities. Some people are terrifed of illness and the though of facing death. My husband’s parents for example, never spoke to us or visited throughout my son’s illness. I couldn’t believe that his grandparents could be so heartless, to abandon their little grandson and their son at this dreadful time. I hated them thoroughly for this and could only bear to talk to them many years later. Last year, I had a massive argument with my mother in law and all this came out. She explained that far from not caring, she couldn’t cope with seeing us so distressed so chose to back off. it was a cowardly decision and one she regrets, but what I am trying to say is that people react so differently. A crisis like cancer will highlight cracks in relationships and brings everything to a head that was probably just below the surface before. Perhaps your husband’s reaction to your illness is shown him in his true colours of someone who avoids serious problems, especially as he says he doesn’t know whether he wants to stay or not. Staying with someone who isn’t sure whether he wants to be there will drag you down. He needs to make up his mind or you should make it up for him. I am so sure that you will be a much stronger person having gone through what you have done and will cope whatever happens.

Hi

Thought I’d let you know that I am back after having my mastectomy, I came out of hospital on Wednesday night and feel like I’ve been driven over by a bus still at times but the pain killers are working! I’m pleased with what I have seen so far, my recostruction from last times looks great and I’m hoping that the other side will as well when its all pumped up. Unfortunately things are still not good at home, my husband stayed at work the night before my op until the early hours of the morning (of course he says that he had to in order to put food on the table), it was such a lonely night as the children had gone to my parents as I had to be at the hos by 7.30 am. He came to see me in hos but to be honest it felt so false, it felt so forced like he had to appear the good caring husband but really had very little to say to me. Since I have been home, he hasn’t been very helpful infact he even sat and watched the F1 today while I was hoovering up around him - still with my drain in. We had a massive row today in which the usual came up about us splitting up, but by the end of it I thought we had got somewhere but just this evening I went to give him a kiss and he backed off and said he didn’t want to give me the wrong idea. I feel so sad that my life seems to have come to this and can’t help feeling that it all seems to have been a terrible waste. My mum and dad are starting to get the feeling that something is wrong and are being very supportive so I’m just trying to spend lots of time with them at the moment, Mum is moving in with us next week to help out with the children so he will probably spend most of his time at work - maybe thats not such a bad thing. On a happier note my dear grandfather is happily settled in his new nursing home and is doing much better now that he has full time care - looking forward to going and seeing him as soon as I get rid of this awful drain.

Take care everyone

Love & Hugs

Debs x

Dear Debs - What a truly rotten time you are having right now, I am so glad that you have your parents and that your mum is going to stay with you for a while. All that matters right now is that you give yourself time to get yourself over your op. What a mess with your husband - I bet you feel you just don’t have the emotional energy to deal with it all at the moment. Debs, what on EARTH were you doing HOOVERING after your op and with a drain still in!!! Some things - caring for the children, have to be done. Some don’t. Can’t believe your husband could have sat there and watched you do that. Don’t worry about the housework right now - it will still be there tomorrow. Even if you’re not getting emotional support from your husband, surely he can help you with that sort of thing. Glad your grandfather is settled, that must be one less worry. Good luck Debs, keep letting us know how you are getting on, there will be lots of us thinking of you - take good care of yourself, you must put yourself first right now. Love and the biggest of hugs. Sarah x