Agree it is bizzarre that despite cancer being so common, everyone seems so clueless as to what to say. It seems like people dont want to either talk or hear about it. And often sadly people who have cancer feel its easier to keep it a secret. which is awful really. Seems it’s now easier to be open about mental health issues , for so long taboo, than about cancer.
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Oh yes. The “you’re so strong you’ll win this battle.” When i got my diagnosis I told most people by WhatsApp. It gave me the chance to say “don’t phone me without messaging me first”) so we’re both prepared) and “I’m not doing the “fighting this battle” lark - cos if I “fail” is it because I didn’t “fight” hard enough? So
It gave people a bit of an idea how I was approaching. I’ve had the idea of “brave” which I jump on very quickly. And if anyone dared to comment on my breasts that would be a red line crossed!
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Yeah, that was my thinking. I guess there’s so much fear.
My hr team also asked me if there was any guidance. They told me that most people in this situation don’t work through treatment - which I understand. That also kinda hurt & made me doubt myself.
Clanger of today … colleague messaged me on WhatsApp. I complimented her on her picture. She did mine too and said she wouldn’t have known it was me… (she met me whilst in treatment.)
Felt like saying “yeah, that was me pre 5 months of chemo and stress, with long hair, freedom and looking forward to a future that didn’t involve hacking my t*t off, destroying my fertility and plans for 2025”.
Sigh…
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Welcome to the forum @adry1 x
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Well said @adry1 . Whether people know it or not that’s the logical conclusion as to what would happen if you’re not brave enough / positive enough / fight hard enough . An appalling insult to anyone that didn’t make it . Xx
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I was astonished at the stupid things people said to me. Some quite shocking. One lady just sad ‘is it aggressive’ …. My goodness!! Incredibly insensitive.
Just ignore them.
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Ouch!! I’m lucky in some ways as I work remotely so don’t have to deal with people too much! So far any interactions I’ve had (via email re my changing work availability) have only been met with “ok get well soon” or just no comment at all apart from “ok , I’ve changed your availability on the calendar”
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Hello everyone
Gawd r people stoopid. My family ( siblings, mom) were useless. I dealt with most of my BC on my own with my three fur babies. Only a few friends treat me as myself the rest I decided not to tell as I’m done with stupid people.
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lol…
Yup I feel your pain had a lumpectomy and am not 50% through EC chemotherapy with more to follow in October … and I am doing great !! However the know it alls on the street and my family are something else …I have been asked how long I have … am I terminal ? I should wear my wig all the time when out cos it upsets so and so …or I should have done the cold cap cos I would have looked better than Uncle Sylvesters double … errrr beeeeeep off dear of all the blooming nerve … and their all out favourites are horror stories grrrr Stay positive and find the funny side … my fav is to say I now have a multiple personality disorder I decide if I go out the door like Uncle Sylverster , in my wig like Penelope Pitstop or my head scarf like the Late Queen or my pirate scarf that gives me a whole Jack Sparrow look just lack the dreadlocks . If in doubt walk away it’s their problem not yours your mental health is WAY more important … good luck going forward one day at a time xx
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Hi I had a mastectomy about 6 weeks ago, people’a reaction has been a bit strange
First, very supportive but almost wanted me to have more further treatment than I was having, like wanting it to go further( no chemo, just radio and hormone therapy) Really felt like they wanted me to go that extra step…
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I’ve got to say that the vast majority of comments from friends, family and colleagues have been supportive and positive. However, there are 2 comments that have rung around in my head since early diagnosis (February this year) - one from a close friend whose sister sadly died from breast cancer. On visiting me at home, the first thing she said was ‘well this is probably a wake-up call to watch your sugar intake’!
The other comment came from a friend as I was saying to a group of friends how well I felt (post lumpectomy) - she chimed in to the group ‘oh, it hasn’t hit her yet’! That comment has caused me so much upset ever since as, when I’m feeling upbeat and positive (which I am most of the time regarding outlook) those words ring around my head and I’m wondering when ‘it’s going to hit’ me.
Thoughtless and unnecessary things to say.
To be honest though, I like hearing of positive stories from others and I don’t mind folk saying how brave I am (I’m not - just following the doctors orders 
). And it’s usually me saying to others that I’m not going to waste life worrying too much about what might happen further down the line - it might not. And none of us know one minute to the next what challenge or blessing will come our way.
Of course I have my darker moments (days!) - but overall I don’t want others (outside my wonderful family) to see me that way. It is a hard thing for everyone to deal with and I don’t expect others to know the exact right thing to say - because I don’t think it exists in a situation where there are so many differentials/unknowns. Just having friends supporting is great. I’ll forgive them the odd faux pas in what they say.
Professional health care staff? That’s a different story - they have a far higher level of accountability for comments they make - I would be feeding back to the department head if I’d had some of the comments some of you did. 
Wishing you all well x
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Those comments … yep i’ve had everyone of them also said to me. Lost for words so I just smile & nod but inside … seething.
One thing we are lucky for though is to be able to share our feelings without judgement in these forums.
One day at a time 
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Love this @canarycat
It’s really difficult because some do not know what to say and then say something that leaves you speechless. For me it the ‘ you’re so brave, courageous, don’t know what I’d do in your place”. I’m not brave, courageous and I didn’t know what to do. People become like rabbits caught in headlights and say things without thinking. Some comments though are somewhat crass. I just smile and hope I would not have said something similar. This is a huge journey that we all learn to somehow navigate as we go along and those around us also do. Sending much love to everyone and so grateful for this forum 
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Welcome to the forum @nana57
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I was lucky I think as nobody said anything to me like some of the appalling comments I’ve read on here that have been made by HCPs . As an HCP myself it makes me angry - but I’m also hoping that I never said anything to make someone’s awful day even worse . The odds are that I will have done at some point over the last 40 years - but some of the comments I’ve read on this thread made by HCPs are incredibly ignorant /crass and I’ve been quite shocked by some of them and saddened as well .
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Hi, gosh, I’m amazed at some of these comments and ones others have written.
I’ve done a lot of thinking about this. I think about what I would say to people who told me they have breast cancer, and also I have realised there is a huge chasm between being the sympathetic one and the who actually has it.
I was diagnosed a year ago with Triple Negative grade 3 bc when I was 72 years old. It was found by chance as I have a lung condition and had been sent for a lung scan and it showed on that. The breast clinic called me to go for an appointment. Two friends said to me ‘don’t worry, it’ll be ok’ I will never say this to anyone. How do they know? As it happened it wasn’t ok and they did apologise. I was told so many times how ‘lucky ‘ I am, but believe me, I don’t feel lucky. I’ve also been told about so and so who has had it worse.and many people have said ‘oh I know someone who had it and they’re fine now’, which doesn’t help because every type of bc is different and every case is different.
I have also discovered that I have the BRCA 1 gene mutation, meaning I’m very likely to get bc again and also ovarian cancer. I’ve had tremendous pressure from the medical profession to have everything removed which at my age and with my other illnesses is not something I want to do. I have found the doctors rather unhelpful in this respect.
The worst thing that has been said to me was by my sister in law. She had lymphoma 10 years ago and had a lot of chemo and is so far is ok. Talking to her about my fears of the bc returning and the TNC being very aggressive, her reaction was that I’m being negative, whereas I feel that am being realistic. She actually said to me ‘well I hope you’ve got all your affairs in order then. ‘That was the worst thing anyone has said to me.
Good luck to you and hope you encounter some kinder responses.
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Anyone else heard “i can’t even imagine” 56799346678 times?
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I found I had to play my cancer down as friends burst into tears and then I’m trying to pick them up and say it’s ok it’s only little! Shame it’s still lumpectomy radiation etc for stage 1 lobular cancer. The investigation was the worst!
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