Dear all,
Today, I have had a terrible day. Argh! I really feel disgusted. After more than a year of being away from work due to a local recurrence of breast cancer, I have had to return to work when I don’t really feel capable. I struggle with everything. I do not want to see people or interact with colleagues; I simply don’t enjoy the frivolous chatter when I have been sick twice with cancer, and the world around us feels like it is falling apart.
It’s not that the manager—someone with whom I don’t have the greatest relationship—wasn’t supportive; she was and I have to say, that today, she won somehow my admiration. it’s just… the unfairness of having to return to work because, honestly, who can live on benefits? The persecution that vulnerable people experience at the hands of those who are supposed to protect us and seek the common good of society is inhumane.
When one colleague cheerfully walked through the door and genuinely smiled at me, saying, “I’m glad to see you,” I also, very genuinely, replied, “Well, I’m not.” What do people expect? When stories and narratives about cancer, illness, and mortality are silenced and sugar-coated—presented as some sort of individual heroic deed instead of an everyday human experience—the schizophrenic divorce from reality leads to these barely recognisable human exchanges.
I’ve not gone back to work yet for my first early cancer (been off 4 months) However I was in a similar situation last year, after having a seizure. People look at you different, they change topics when you walk in a room. They don’t know whether to ask or not ask about what you’ve been through. They assume if you’re back at work, all is well. And that’s from office friends - I’m lucky not to have any really bad colleagues.
Knowing that from last time, I’m not looking forward to going back to work in the new year. It’s cancer and although mine has been “removed” it doesn’t erase it from your mind. And you’ve had to deal with this twice…I can’t imagine how you’ve dealt with this, but know that everyone is here and some are in the same place as you, and will offer support if you need it.
Oh I so feel you @happynipple I was and still am in the same boat as you. The pointless conversations of how are you doing every week with my manager…we don’t have the greatest of relationship just to tick a box that they’ve been checking up on me during my phased return.
The feeling of being just the outsider looking in…the pointless chit chat on a teams group chat that I left and the crazy follow on that engulfed me in very heated dispute with a colleague of mine. The fact that my manager wanted to dismiss my complaint was the cherry on the top…I can’t describe how I feel some days about people’s ‘good intentions’ can be so hard to take on…because noone who hadn’t been through what we’ve been here on this forum to hell and back can pretend to understand…
You summed it up so well the schizophrenic divorce from reality…I can’t say it better!!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your post that made me feel that I am not the only one
Thanks to this forum we can vent out our anger anonymously and get the support and understanding that we need!!!
Persecution? How so? You seem to be describing a workplace where people are being pleasant and sociable. I can understand your distress at your personal situation but alienating those around you will make things worse for you. Try to remember that cancer must not define you - you are far more than the sum of a nasty disease and people are responding to you because they like and care for you. Also, it is a truism I’m afraid that because we are having a bad time, it doesn’t mean that everybody else in the world should be. I remember driving home from hospital in the middle of the night after my husband had just died and wondering how everyone could be sleeping when my world had collapsed. But thats the point - it was just my world.
You will come through this and life will be good again but try to look beyond cancer.
Dear Teddy,
I think you completely misunderstood the point of my post. Persecution? Yes, people with disabilities can hardly live on benefits. The application process is itself cumbersome, and the reforms to the welfare system have negatively impacted living conditions and increased inequality for disabled people. This is a link to a study by Scope on the disability price tag: Scope - Disability Price Tag 2023.
There are life-changing “events”—illnesses, accidents, and so on—and cancer is one of them. Yes, I am a cancer-shaped woman. Illness, suffering, and death are part of human life. They should not be hidden or censored, and I feel that by denying this fundamental experience of humanity, we are dehumanising ourselves.
Also, I am not looking at my own precious reconstructed belly button—at least, not all the time, although it is very nice. And yes, I reiterate that I cannot understand how “life goes on as normal” when the world around us is exploding: genocide in Palestine, civil war in Syria, Sudan, Ethiopia, Myanmar, and Ukraine. Nothing feels right about this, and I cannot ignore it and just continue “as normal,” whatever normal is.
Hi @happynipple, I hope today has been a better day than yesterday so far. I am sorry you’re having a difficult time on your return to work. I found some resources about people’s experiences as they return to work, which I hope you’ll find helpful.
If you feel that you’d like to chat to one of our team of breast care nurses, please remember we are here and always keen to talk things through, at your own pace. No question is too small, and I know that our nurses regularly answer questions about the challenges of returning to work.
I think I will leave things there as this is all too negative and dark for me. However, I cannot find any evidence of trying to hide cancer or censor it and have no idea what you are talking about. There are very many terrible things in the world about which most of us have genuine concerns. The fact that we don’t spend our time denying any source of happiness or goodwill does not indicate dehumanisation. Rather I think it shows bravery, strength of spirit and a concern for the quality of other peoples life if we try to show our bright side to the world. I wish you the best.
“A person who complains about any aspect of breast cancer treatment in public is often drowned out by a chorus of people, many of whom have never had cancer, accusing her of ingratitude, saying she is lucky, warning her that her bad attitude may kill her, reminding her she could be dead.”
― Anne Boyer, The Undying
“Disease is never neutral. Treatment never not ideological. Mortality never without its politics.”
― Anne Boyer, The Undying
It can be a really nasty world out there and what makes things even more difficult to cope with is the way people are treating you…I remember worrying what people are going to say about losing my hair and had to put my wig on which I absolutely hated…I actually loved my bald head but society is not acceptable if you don’t look certain way or don’t behave in certain way or don’t say things in a certain way…so yes you are absolutely right saying that cancer shouldn’t define us but unfortunately the world around us is doing so every minute of every day…
Why do I need to look happy if I am having a rubbish day? So that everyone around me feels okay…to make everyone around me not feel awkward seeing me bald. Why do I have to always think what everyone feels…we are allowed to feel however we want and noone can tell me you should feel that or this…
I am grateful we live in a world where we (mostly) don’t need to shy away from the fact we have cancer. It wasn’t like that a generation or so back, when the word cancer couldn’t even be uttered. We do all have to find our own way through it. Like you, I cope by putting my best face forward. I am sorry you have received some flak for your comments, I don’t think you are being unkind.
Of course you don’t need to look happy to please others when you are having a bad day. No one can predict the future but I hope it feels better for you soon.
First of all, I’m so sorry. Your feelings are indeed valid and understandable. I think we all get it. Unfortunately though the vast majority of the world won’t and furthermore, don’t care. And to try and force the issue will make your life more difficult than it already is. But this site is indeed the place to express what you feel regardless of what it is. I hope it helps. But in your life in the “meatworld” if you can, I would recommend putting on what my friends and I call “the mask”. Playing the game will make your life easier because then people will want to be around you. And if people want to be around you they usually will also want to help. But I don’t blame you for feeling awful about everything around us. It’s not an easy world and life sucks sometimes quite a bit. I hope you feel better soon.
What Teddy said wasn’t unkind in my opinion. She obviously knows pain and suffering also. She was giving her perspective and encouraging someone to perhaps try and change how they look at the world can be a kind act also.
I will say I never worried about what people thought about me while having cancer. And no one said anything to me when I refused to wear a bra that would hide my flat chest, or walked around with my male pattern baldness look or wanted to wear my pajamas outside while I worked because they were comfortable. I think society is mostly accepting of our true weaknesses if we are accepting. And the ones that aren’t usually have enough sense to shut up at least to our faces. And I will say that no one can know life will be good again. None of us can predict the future. But I truly believe if you want it to be good again, reach out your hand and ask for help if you need it in order to make it good again, and then work towards that goal like it’s your job, it will be.
Hi @Kay0987 I am glad that you never worried about people’s opinion. This how it should be as we don’t live our lives to pay another tax to public opinion!!!
But pretending and putting a mask on is not for me…I also don’t want to be surrounded by fake people with good intentions…playing the game is something I try to escape by all means…I do not want to live my life like I am in a movie and have a role to play. I want to be my authentic self without pretending to be someone I am not. It’s too hard to be an actor in real life and I don’t to spend my life by playing a role so that I am surrounded by fake people who have my best interests at heart…it’s just not who I am…
Thanks for your comments. BCF is an excellent forum but it does sometimes have a habit of attacking those who try to offer constructive advice rather than saccharine sympathy. I’ve had a tough run since 2020 with advanced BC and now a brain tumour so of course I understand the pain and anger and even despair. But I have never let cancer define me and live my life positively with much enjoyment.
The thing is, cancer isn’t a free pass to negativity. Given that we are surely all contributing to this forum to provide support to others. both practical and emotional we must recognise that people will respond in kind. Of course there’s nothing wrong with telling your workmates you are having an absolutely PARC day but when people reach out to us it is churlish not to respond. Worse, you run the risk of getting negativity back
Putting one’s best foot forward is what makes the world go round - and is nothing to do with pretence or denial or avoiding global issues
Hi @teddy271 I am sorry to hear about your tough journey it must be so hard for you and losing your husband too…
But when you are saying ‘saccharine sympathy’ is just not right…nobody here on this forum sugar coats the truth…
The way you started your reply to @happynipple is was so antagonistic it’s just wasn’t in anyway constructive to me…more so saying that the cancer doesn’t give a free pass to negativity - this is 100% true…I agree with you but the way you are saying it sounds like everyone else but only you knows that…
I was the biggest pessimist before my cancer diagnosis and it changed me for the better…I am a totally different person now and always try to look at the bigger picture and stay positive not only for my family, especially my kids but for myself too…and this something I am very proud of…but you can’t impose your advice in such a way… Everybody has the right to feel how they want to feel and we are here to support each other not to put others down…
Well you sound wonderfully positive which is great. Saccharine sweet is just a phrase - no offence implied. But thats the problem, everybody takes offence at anything they don’t agree with whereas I see debate as stimulating. Kindness and sympathy necessarily underpin every response on this site but I will always advocate positivity as it works wonders for the patient who will usually get back in droves what they put out. I have a dear friend in the grip of Motor Neurone Disease and she told me early on how she never wants anyone to visit her unless they truly enjoy her company. Yes there are tears but she tries to make the atmosphere convivial and we have fun which makes her feel so much better and is easy on friends and relatives
