Thank you for this. I am always up for a debate…!!!
I totally understand where are you coming from and am awfully sorry about your friend .
My husband was diagnosed with MS a year after my BC diagnosis and is declining very quickly, relying on me for every day things…puting his socks, opening packets, etc. he is now using a wheelchair and his mobility is very limited…so I have to stay positive there is no other way about it…I need to keep a face for my children and be strong for them…
But at least on here I can be myself and vent out my anger…yes, I can be angry and it’s okay…life is not fair and yes, I am not giving up but it can be so hard sometimes to stay positive…but on here I can find understanding and sympathy that I cannot find anywhere else…
I completely agree with @teddy271. I also have metastatic breast cancer, TNBC in my case. I feel it is important to get the best out of the days I have now because I don’t know how long I will remain in my current stable state. I also feel there can be a form of censorship on here, I once got called out for upsetting someone by mentioning that it’s possible to become metastatic without lymph node involvement, because I did.
Hoping everyone is ok, whatever their views on this.
I feel for @happynipple who’s posted on here to express what they have been going through and how they feel, has resulted in some opinionated posts. All posts should be done without judgement. Everyone lives their life how they want to and should not be criticised by others.
In life before our breast cancer diagnosis we were all different and had different priorities. If you are anything like me that changed the day of my diagnosis. Some of us will be curable, others treatable until it is not. How we all deal with this is also going to be different. Not everyone has a positive outlook on life. ( glass half full v glass half empty)
I think in life we shouldn’t judge others telling them that their way is wrong, everyone has to do what is right for them. We only know a snapshot of everyone’s story from their posts. This is a supportive forum.
I lost my Mum and brother just before my diagnosis and had to deal with the estate and selling the family home while having chemotherapy. I got through chemo with a day at a time attitude and now a year after finishing I’m not sure I’ve moved on from that yet. I’m having ongoing issues from my surgery and treatment and took redundancy from work on August as I can’t teach and give my best.
Lots of people ask how I am and some days I ‘mask’ and say it’s ok, other days they get a full blown moan. I regularly meet with others who have had a cancer diagnosis and most agreed it’s ok to be not ok.
@happynipple i totally get what you are saying. I’m sorry you feel you have been forced back to work. The benefits system can be hard work but you can claim Employment and Support Allowance(ESA) and Personal Independence Allowance (PIP). Many hospitals have MacMillan and Maggie’s benefits advisor and can also get help by phone. Citizens Advice can also help.
I hope you are having a better day today and know that I’m thinking of you.
Phew, and I was thinking it’s just me re the ‘censorship.’ That’s actually not quite the right word, it’s more that there’s a sort of unspoken agreement that those who feel overwhelmed by their diagnosis and down on life in general are seen as worthy of overwhelming support; whereas those advocating a more ‘up and at em’ way of life are criticised. The other week I had somebody claiming that my views had caused her to relapse which, as far as I’m concerned is a rather unpleasant way of being passive aggressive.
Of course the truth is that all the different ways of dealing with cancer are valid and each person endeavours to find the best way forward for their particular set of circumstances. I only comment when it is obvious that the person opting out of life because of cancer is miserable. Surely it is reasonable in such instances to recommend that person try a different approach?
I am curious what message board posts are if not opinionated? The common thread is cancer which we are all trying to deal with in a myriad of different ways. I don’t often get offended in this modern world that preaches kindness yet condemns views outside of the mainstream. In that context I think the condemnatory way in which you use the word opinionated inappropriate and borderline offensive. Surely all views are valid - not just the PC ones
I go on many different breast cancer sites. This one is fantastic for support and love whatever you are feeling. It is not fantastic for facts and sometimes when they are given the response can be a little antagonistic. But as far as a “mask” goes, if you don’t find that helpful that’s okay! For me, I have found that my “mask” has eventually become my true face and for that I’m grateful.
I did use the word opinionated as I feel some of the posts are judging others. This is a supportive forum for people to freely share how they feel and get others to support them. I was in no way condemning anyone or any post, I was explaining that everyone feels different and that should be considered.
Some of the posts lately are a little unsettling, I totally agree with you, we are all here for each other in this site, so many lovely people, offering support and love to everyone.
Wishing everyone a very happy Christmas with a positive outcome ahead.
Thank you all for the comments on this thread, especially to Mun, Naughty, Sal1, and the rest of you. @Teddy, I also think the way you replied was very antagonistic and judgmental, as though you felt personally attacked by my views. I’m fine with that; we are not children, and getting upset about other people’s posts is as fine with me as it should be with you, too, Teddy.
However, I have a few points to make:
I firmly stand by what I posted and how I expressed it.
I don’t believe cancer patients should be pushed to feel positive, happy, or anything else. The anger, the uncertainty (or certainty) of the future, the fear, and the grief are all part of the process of coming to terms with our own vulnerability and mortality. In fact, personal attitudes have no impact on the outcome of any illness, whether it’s cancer, diabetes, or even irritable bowel syndrome. Sorry to break the news like this and not “sugar-coat” it.
I have had a double mastectomy and don’t wear prostheses now, but I won’t deny that women are socialised in a certain way and that the scrutiny our bodies endure exists and isn’t going to disappear by magic.
This forum is a place for us to get support and connect. We have cancer in common, but just as there are different types and subtypes of the disease, there are also many different people here, with differing opinions and sensitivities, including those who may feel “more overwhelmed” and those who feel less so, if that’s possible. It is very important to be mindful and give each other space.
Thought you might like to know the message I have just received from the Community. Apparently my posts are: Inappropriate, abusive, hateful, offensive and unkind. All this without a shred of evidence. This is SO not the site for me.
I’m really sorry that you have a bad time. I was and I am opposite than you when thinking about work. On my primary breast cancer I was working all the time (only short sick line after mastectomy). Also now, when dealing with recurrence I’m working, during chemotherapy and radiotherapy. My team is very supportive, of course they were asking how I’m feeling etc., but all in good way. I was/am happy to have silly conversations and be able to forget, even for few hours, about cancer. It’s not easy to deal with our disease but IMO staying at home and be sorry for ourselves not helping at all. Please give yourself chance to “normal” life, believe me you will feel better and stronger.
Wishing you all the best x
Following my diagnosis in July and mastectomy in August, i couldnt wait to be back at work for a sense of normality in my life. After 3 days at home i asked my partner to drive me there and back.
It has taken till early october to feel able to drive safely and having that independance taken away for those short weeks were the hardest for me.
My colleagues know and have been supportive but not overly fussy and that works for me.
I know i look different, my breasts are gone. My red hair has turned white and i know that looking this way should cause me pain.
It doesnt, im alive.
From the day i was told this crappy news to the 13 trips to hospital, then the operation that followed, i decided i wasnt going to let this get me mentally.
To me that means doing what i have always done. One of those things is pulling up my big girl pants and facing people at work and everywhere else.
Whats my other option? To sit on the sofa feeling sorry for myself…
We are the same people as we always were.
Giving up and hiding away isnt an option for positive mental health.
I felt the same way when I went back to work too soon. I needed the money since I knew the medical bills would be piling up. I work in retail and never go out without my mask. After the millionth (not really but…) customer asked me why I was wearing a mask I started saying, “I’m in treatment.” That worked for a while. Once the holidays came, the questions kept coming. I changed my response to, " I have cancer and I really don’t want to catch any viruses going around." That has helped. Usually, they look kind of shocked and then very sad with an “I’ll pray for you” thrown in. People aren’t entitled to share my cancer with me unless I invite them to. And now I invite you to share my last day of radiation with me.
Love this photo @homebabe ! Congratulations on your last radiotherapy session How fantastic to be finished it for Christmas. Hope your side effects are manageable this week. The end of my treatment seems very far away at present, but it’s encouraging to see others reaching that milestone.
Hi @happynipple how are you feeling this week? I’ve just stumbled on this thread and don’t want to get involved in any awkward debates, but I hope you’re finding the practical and emotional support you need.
I think someone said above that attitude makes no difference to the outcome of any illness. This may be true and I have no randomized controlled trials to quote one way or the other. I do know from personal experience, however, that my attitude to my circumstances definitely affects my own experience of them. So I do try to look for the positives where I can, but I also know this isn’t always possible and sometimes we just need to feel our feelings.
Thinking of you and I hope you have a better week this week x
I’m with you with the masks. I wore one while having chemotherapy and before having bc with working in education as I caught every bug being an asthmatic.
I agree you shouldn’t have to tell people why you are masking, it’s a personal choice. Although there are so many out there coughing and sneezing and not covering their nose or mouth, no wonder there is so much flu. I always think ‘have we learnt nothing from the Covid 19 pandemic?’
Congratulations on finishing your radiotherapy, I love the fact the team have made a reindeer on the machine.
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How fantastic to be finished it for Christmas. Hope your side effects are manageable this week. The end of my treatment seems very far away at present, but it’s encouraging to see others reaching that milestone.