Well, I went to see the physcologist today and told her how I was feeling etc. etc. It went very well, as I didnt realise till today just angry I am about cancer.
Anyway, one of the things we talked about was the “keep positive” crap that everyone without cancer or a serious illness seems to think they can throw as us when we dare to have a day or maybe a few days of feeling worried or down. Her answer was this. Having Cancer is like a bereavement, and you go through the similar emotions, off sadness, worry, anger etc. and she said that to try and push the negative things to one side, is detrimental to getting better as what will happen is in the end the negative thoughts will explode and you will have to deal with them eventually, so its very important to give the negative thoughts there place in the healing process.
So next time anyone dares to tell me to be flipping positive I shall tell them the above!
think we all should do that !!x
Yes we all should!!! Thats the reason I posted it as I want everyone to see this so they tell the “keep positive” people where to stick there positivety where the sun doesnt shine!! lol
With you on that one, SGL. I KNOW I’m really angry about it, and the people who trot out platitudes at me are sometimes surprised by the heat of my responses.
What makes me laugh Choccie, is these same people, are the ones who moan when they have a cold, there cant wont start etc etc. but people with cancer are not supposed to get upset about anything and must remain positive at all times!
This is how I’ve coped with it: crying, shouting, etc when I need or want to. I did have to explain this to family because obviously it’s easier for them if you’re being ‘chipper’. I said it wouldn’t be natural if I just breezed thru’ it without a care in the world, that this would mean I hadn’t acknowledged the seriousness of it all.
I also warned them that if ANYONE dared say “oh! Last one today!!” on my final chemo I wouldn’t be responsible for my actions! I used the analogy of them having to go to the dentist every 3 weeks to have teeth removed without being made numb. I asked them to imagine the point where the dentist was practically on their chest pulling and yanking it out and then I pipe up with a smile on my face, “oh! It’s your last one!!”
It’s definitely the right way to approach it.
Yes I agree - when I was walking the dog with DH last night he was talking about the cancer and said that he thought I had been handling it really well on the whole, not letting it “get to me” too much. So I explained that when I do have periods when I seem down or moody this it is because the whole thing stinks, it has seriously disrupted our lives and plans, and although most of that is temporary some of the impacts will be much longer term - e.g follow ups, continued medication, career prospects, finances, insurance etc. Positivity won’t really help with any of that.
I am angry about cancer and its impacts at times, and I think it is right to be angry and fed up with the whole thing some of the time. Holding that all inside and not expressing it and so either dealing with it, or finding a way to move forward from it, is not healthy. However, I am not known for my patience and good temper, so this is my usual way of dealing with stuff. Usually once I have had a good rant I get over the anger and “find a solution mode” sets in - even if the solution in this case sometimes has to be acceptance that it can’t be changed.
Loving the dentist image SCACO - must remember that next time I meet some certain people locally!
I do try to keep upbeat at work & not dwell on it too much when i’m there but can get a bit down sometimes.Someone apparantely commented the other day & another girl stuck for me by saying that i was allowed to be down some of the time & i was very grateful to her for that. Some people do understand, but they are very few & far between.x
you must think possitive… do i really want those shoes… im possitive…yes
do you really want another top… im possitive …yes
another handbag ??? possitive yes
another bottle of perfum ?? … im possitive yesssssssssssss…
possitive thinking is fantastic if you do it possitivley xx angie
i hope you dont think me shallow… i did not get the shoes… hahah
i got sandles instead xxxxx
I think the comment about the reactions we have are similar to a bereavement are so accurate. I feel that I have had a ‘loss’. In a sense I have lost the life I had and the me I knew and am now having to get to know the new me and plan the new normality. Cancer, the treatment, the aftermath is with us to stay and as such has changed us and the dynamics of our family and friends. I kept a journal of my experience (40.000 words) and I found this very cathartic. What was more positive was that family and friends ‘bought’ my self published log and we made £400 for Breast Cancer Research. When they read it they were better able to understand the journey I had to take and how it impacted on me both physically and mentally and how it impacted on my family. Positivity is not always possible and we should not be expected to feel that at all times. I am grateful for the care and treatment I had but I would have preferred not to have gone there. I felt sad, afraid and all sorts of emotions were there and continue to be there intermittently. That is the new me and the new norm. Take care all, J.
haha Norberte sometimes I wish I had the guts to go with f off bit lol xx
I so agree with what you wrote Jaynek; I too kept a journal which was quite cathartic for me and really helped.
I did feel real anger that I had BC and that my previous cancer-free & happy life seemed to have gone for ever. I resented the loss of ‘control’ more than anything- once the whole ‘hospital thing’ took over.
I guess I displaced fear and distress by being angry - an emotion that wasn’t helped by the lack of empathy of some staff- especially nurses; some of them seemed to totally miss the point about the disruption & how the months of treatment just talk over your life,(as well as making you feel rubbish.)
I felt I was no longer me- I was becoming a person who was defined by BC
I am now 3 years post diagnosis & can report that it really does get better!
I feel really well (apart from the side effects of Arimidex!) and my cancer persona has disappeared- indeed I sometimes even feel bit resentful 'cos no-one ever mentions my health anymore- how contrary can you get!?
Angie you did make me laugh, thank you
Norberte, I agree that the f**k off option is excellent although I usually say it in my head cos I’m an angry coward!
when I was dx the first time I was incandescent and ‘divorced’ two of my sisters for being ignorant and selfish - their reactions embarrassed me. What I have found this time around I’m surrounded by love and good sense, so I must have learned some lessons in the intervening period
I’ve been seeing my psychologist because the loss of cognitive ability is so depressing and she says I’m in a useful stage- like a chrysalis, where I have to make my changes and work out who I am, what I can do next etc and its a lovely analogy, I wrote it down and keep it in my head.
Telling someone to think positive when they are losing a breast, having chemo, and/or facing a possibly life limiting illness is just rubbish. I think some people talk about positivity through naivety and silliness and others through ignorance and stupidity - you have to make your mind up who is who, forgive one lot ands explain the reality to them and kick the other lot into touch.
I’m also a journaller and looking at 14 years of stuff I’ve written makes me laugh and cry.
All we can do is take the good stuff in our lives and cherish it, and move away from the stuff thats unhelpful.
love to all xxx
Hi SGL your physcologist hit the nail on the head about the negative thoughts I tell my lot this all the time when I get thrown the ‘think positive’ Cr*p by handling the scarey stuff & dealing with it you ARE being positive … If we were like this because we had just lost a loved one would they dare say come on cheer up ? NO I truly believe it is like a grieving because we somehow ‘lost’ the life we once had before BC & we partly trying to hold onto it or get it back & its not going to happen so like grieving we are adjusting to let go but having the added burden of treatments & body bashing to top it, its a very strange road to aiming for the ‘new normal’ at the other side, just tell yourself your new normal will find you in time & you will get there
Hugs
Mekala x
hi ladies its me again… possitivly thinking… i think we should all try and have a possitive day …yesterday i had a very possitive one… found some adorable wedges … possitivly had to have them… we went out for a drink… and yes i got possitivley pissed… this morning i woke with a possitive hangover from hell… tonight im having a takeaway… because i can…tomorrow im going holiday shopping… and im possitive i will spent loads more than i should… does anyone else have any possitives ??? angie xx
Just to digress slightly, the other thing that really gets my goat, is when people say well done in relation to treatment … grrr!. For example, I have had a seroma for the last 18 months, and after more surgery it is finally beginning to reduce. At my last appointment a patronising BC Nurse said well done, and I couldn’t help saying, what for ? The thing is, I have no control over the seroma, and the fact it is now reducing has nothing to do with anything I have thought, said, or done, so why do I need to be congratulated ?. I felt like saying, stop the ruddy platitudes, and just get the so**ing thing sorted out!.