Thanks Suzan. Got that one from NJ as use them frequently as fit and service always good. When it came it was just WRONG! So posted it back. I have just bought some normal bras and left them at hosp to have pockets sewn in them, then I’m going to alter them myself to make a loop that the clear straps fit too. Hope this works, I’ll let you know if it does.
Sorry this thread has been hijacked! Please feel free to return to the initial subject!
Irene
Whats ‘A sex life’?..!sorry!
iNDEED THIS IS ONE AREA THAT IS NEGLECTED AND A VERY IMPORTANT ONE i THINK AT THE VERY FIRST DIAGNOSIS YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD BE SPOKEN TO BY A CONSULTANT OR NURSE WHO HAS HAD THE SAME EXPERIANCE/DIAGNOSIS AND TAKEN ALONG LIKE AN EXPECTANT FATHER AND TOLD THIS IS IMPORTANT WE NEED LOVE AND CUDDLES IT TAKES ENERGY FOR SEX. MEN DO UNDERSTAND BUT DONT WANT TO DO BOARING HOUSEWORK OR LOOK AFTER KIDS IF THEY CAN GET OUT OF IT–iF A MAN HAS A HEADACHE HE IS ILL HE THINKS !!! give him lots of cuddles and all will be well !!!
How many of us thought about sex on the day we were diagnosed— i did because i had heard and discussed with ladies this very subject so i was able to talk to my wonderfull husband ,comunication is the key, understanding is the next step How many of us asked our consultant this very important question ? We do if we are having a hysterectomy ,and yet our breasts are our sex drivers we think Hormones are so important so we need to be educated and educate our husbands build on our love for one another and be happy nature will heal and when you are ready for intense relations seek out advice from the best sourse THE CONSULTANT—HE CARES
The more I think about this the more I realise I need professional help, perhaps a sex therapist, as I will def not make the first move, I can’t bare the thought of sex, not even with my husband of 31 yrs. I do think about him and his needs, but still can’t consider it, sex is so alien to me now.
Of course the lack of sex drive, poor self esteem and body image and dry vagina don’t help either, and when he behaves like a plonker, I find it harder and harder to forgive him and make the effort. Thats so selfish of me I know.
Irene
I too feel like you do about sex. I havent had recon yet and am not sure. My husband also of 31 years has been very caring and supportive throughout. But no one can understand the poor body image I have now. I hate my body basically. Things that didnt bother me before like being 3st overweight never worried me. Now they do. i have joined a gym. And am really trying to cut down. But it is very hard. Sometimes I wonder why I have gone through everything. Does anyone know if free sex counselling is available for cancer patients. The last time I went to a counsellor they were charging £40 for 50mins.
Hi Starfish,
I’ve put below for you the link to Macmillan’s site regarding sex counselling, you may find this useful.
Kind regards,
Jo, Facilitator
Although it is only a month since my reconstruction, I am already starting to worry about my sex life. I am thrilled with the job the plastic surgeon did, although the scars are still very new and I still have a lot of discomfit. With clothes on it looks really normal. I certainly didn’t expect to get my sex drive back so soon but I have and am now frustrated because my husband is the one with the problem. I have made it quite clear to him that I am looking forward to getting back in the sack but he says he is worried that he may hurt me.
The fact is he doesn’t make any kind of physical contact at all, no hugs or cuddles let alone sex!!
Am i just being impatient? Perhaps once the scars die down a bit more he might come round. I have put on a few pounds since getting the diagnosis and am far from my sexiest, but I cant shift any weight when I cant even exercise yet.
It seems most people posting on this subject have a problem with their libido…not their husbands. Any suggestions?
Mandy
Hi Mandy
As well as the support and advice you will receive from the other users you may find a couple of the BCC publications helpful. I have put for you below the links to these publications. You can either download these directly or order a free copy, which can be posted out to you.
In it together:
breastcancercare.org.uk/serv … ationId/15
Sexuality & intimacy:
breastcancercare.org.uk/serv … ationId/20
I hope you find them helpful.
Kind regards
Sam (BCC Facilitator)
This is so late in coming that you may not see it but Maz I wanted to say sorry about my comments re the fashion show people - it wasn’t aimed at people genuinely doing it for all the reasons you are - just a reflection of how bad I feel in myself I suppose - and how I never realised before this what a huge huge impact this surgery and disease have on you psychological - just saw the glossy face of it in the magazines - which is why partly I have found the reality so shocking and hard to deal with. Anyway I think its brilliant that you are getting up there and strutting your stuff - you go for it and I’ll be cheering!
On another note - since last posting - while my husband still doesn’t seem to feel like sex - and I am still struggling with that - we have had a couple of more productive conversations in which he broke down and admitted that he is so terrified of losing me that he feels he has to create a barrier around himself to protect himself - which explains the coldness and aggressivity to a large extent. It was a blow to me to hear that and to see him being vulnerable - albeit for only a couple of minutes. The whole issue of the partner feeling scared about letting go - about becoming too attached must be something that others go through too and I’m sorry I didn’t think about this before hand. Anyway - peace (non sexual but at least peace) has descended and I feel we’ve made a small step back to the road of communication…
Happy summer everyone
Hi Mandy
i think it is still early days and like Manou says a bit of a shock to our nearest and dearest. He is probably scared, angry and worried that this has come into your lives. I personally am single so not tried out this theory - but I reckon that if the “normal” you is still there and he has not too many hangups about the scars that you will manage (eventually) to tempt him out of this!Let’s face it you probably know what to do to turn him on…but he may be scared of hurting you? Sickness is not sexy and seeing your nearest and dearest in hospital is pretty shocking and emotionally tough for anyone. Seeing you happy and healthy will perhaps redress this? You sound like a great girl and I hope you get your man!
LoveJane x
Jane
Jane
Jane x
Hi All
I’m new to this thread and I feel quite alarmed at some of the postings. I am a 35yr old woman who had a mastectomy 18mths ago. Yes, only having one boob can be difficult and uncomfortable when lying on my side and buying low cut tops is a no no. During the chemo I was so unwell, sex was extinct, I do know that my partner did look at porn on websites but I was not threatened in anyway as he could have left me or went to prostitutes or passed on an STI when I was well again.
I now feel more sexier in a way that I have never felt before. I still manage to wear strapless tops with a very well boned bra to hold the prosthesis. I am very very fortunate to have a wonderful partner who I just married two weeks ago. Again my dress was strapless and no-one would have known that the right one was false. I get a flare up of lymphodema from time to time but we just add a lymphodema massage to part of our foreplay. Must admit through I am partial to getting the heels and stockings out for a bit of fun. I am now having fun going into sex shops and picking up a sexy costume which holds the prosthesis in place. The staff in some of these places are fantastic and I have a good laugh with them whilst getting an outfit. (We did have one instance where the prosthesis fell out the costume - but by that time wild horses couldn’t stop him so I thought what the hell go for it. It was great). Don’t get me wrong the first couple of times we had sex was scary and very emotional, I cried at the intensity of all the emotions, I do miss my boob but my life is worth far more than a perfect pair of boobs.
P.S Went to Paris for our honeymoon. One night we went to the Moulin Rouge - Even with one boob I still had more boobage than some of the dancers.
Lila
Hi everyone, hope you’re all well.
Hi Lila, glad to hear things are going so well for you, it’s always uplifting to hear a positive experience. Don’t think you should be too ‘alarmed’ about some of the comments on here though. As you have written, “I am very fortunate and have a wonderful partner who I just married two weeks ago”. Also, I think it’s fantastic that you managed to resume a sex life with just a couple of emotional times to start with - you were BOTH wanting this. So many women here would give anything to have a partner like that (or to be able, or be in the ‘same place’ as you), and share your posiive attitude, but as we all know, this is not the norm, some relationships can’t handle the trauma of BC. Some partners, as much as they try and want to, can’t ‘handle’ the effects of mastectomy (both partners). Like you, I would not be threatened by a partner looking at porn, however, for one of the ladies here, her husband was communicating with someone on the internet - slightly different! I am single so for me, future relationships will be a whole new challenge!
Sorry (quick rant!) but I must say I am just a little bit sick of hearing people say, “boobs aren’t everything” or “You’re more than a pair of boobs”. It’s not that simple. Why should we be made to feel guilty if we enjoy/enjoyed our breasts, the wonderful sensations they can have and the erotic effects they have/have had on our partners? Why must we now ‘dismiss’ them and just ‘accept’ that they don’t matter anymore? For some of us breasts DO matter! OK, some women don’t enjoy their breasts and cope with this much more readily and of course, we’re all grateful for surviving. I am fortunate in that I have had recon and am reasonably happy with it although it doesn’t feel ‘quite there’ as I dont have a nipple but I consider myself lucky as the psychological effect is not as great for me as if I had nothing there. I take my hat off and admire anyone who wears a prostesis and ‘gets on with it’. I couldn’t cope with that, (although there are things in life that I would breeze through that someone else may not - we’re all differemt), so I’ve tried to stay as close to ‘me’ as possible. That doesn’t mean I only think of me as breasts, it means, I want to remain ‘me’, with as little tampering as possible! It’s tough enough for women to have to undergo all the BC treatmens, let alone cope with the breast issues and these do need working through. No one wants to be stuck in negativity. I don’t care what anyone says, if you have an excellent relationship with your partner, of course it will be easier!
Of course there is a hell of a lot more to me than my boobs but I love them, ‘tampered’ or not!
Sorry everyone, this is far too long. Lots of love to all. xx
Well done Lila!
you seem to have the same attitude as me re the dressing up and making you feel sexy - it does wonders doesnt it and our other halves certainly react to it. I am glad I am not the only one!
And well done Manou68 - its a step in the right direction and I hope things continue to improve - keep talking it through - you will get there in the end I am sure.
Clarabelle x
Hi All
Lila, welcome! I am glad you and your man have found a way through this and that you seem so tuned in to each other’s needs. The trouble is we are all at different stages, Diep and I are single, Maz, Manou, Irene, Sno and most of the other regulars have been wed for years, some even decades! So, that makes a huge difference to how we approach the issue of resuming sex. Diep and i need to find willing partners first of all:-)
The truth is that a loving, willing partner who still wants you and builds your confidence is a great start. The fact that you have not felt threatened by his using porn implies that you are very secure in the relationship and your overall ability to attract your man! I have had messages from women who are in deep grief, saying they are feeling jealous and hurt that they have lost the power to attract the man they love whilst porn does the trick. One woman said her OH could only make love to her if he got warmed up by porn, and then turned her back to him…That has to hurt.
Frilly lingerie, stockings, whatever are all good if they build your confidence and make sex enjoyable. The problem is most of us do not feel acceptable without clothes and so the lingerie etc is reall a mask and therein lies the problem, What most of us are mourning is the loss of intimacy, feeling free in the company of a lover and being comfortable in one’s skin.
All that said, i agree with Clara, that in a committed relationship you have a head start in that you can talk things through, if the communication is good. Also, Mandy, Manou - Clara is a bit further on than you guys. She has been reconstructed and I am fascinated by her new nipple thread - so as we look more normal we may feel less vulnerable and more relaxed when viewed! I hope so anyway. I don’t want to be a nun.
Love
Aunty Jane x
Hi, I’ve not made a contribution to this thread until now but I have been dipping in and out of it periodically, if only to reassure myself that I’m not alone. I don’t have much of a contribution to make now either - I just wanted to say, though, that I agreed with everything that you had said, Diep, in your third para - it didn’t read as a rant to me - but that may have been because I agreed with you. I had a mastectomy and immediate reconstruction and although I have now had the nipple created and tatooed I still mourn the loss of my breast - for all the reasons that you mention. However, I also feel guilty that I’m not as grateful as I apparently should be since, as people have frequently told me, I was lucky to have had the opportunity to have had an immediate reconstruction in the first place when the procedure was just not available to other women several years ago. While I know everything is relative, I, of course, don’t feel lucky at all. Now I am ranting!
Like Jane, I don’t want to be a nun (and I understand your predicament, i.e. the difficulty in finding a partner in the first place, difficult at the best of times anyway) but I think that I do need to feel more comfortable in my body before I am able to enjoy sex again.
Sorry to have said nothing at all - but thank you for listening.
naz
Hi Everyone
Do you not think that some men cannot handle the whole sex issue as the feel that they have seen their partners go through so much suffering that they may be afraid to hurt them. It seems almost the same reaction that some men have after watching their partners give birth. The whole process completely shocks them. My previous partner was like that especially after having an emergency section which left me with a ten inch scar. Needless to say we split up and I had to learn to love myself, scar and all.
Now I have a mastectomy scar to add to the equation, people often ask me about recon. We are going to speak to the plastics about it but my surgeon is doubtful that it will be successful due to the type of skin that I have. I tend to scar really badly and end up with thick keloid scarring. We will see what the experts have to say. But in all honesty if they say it cannot be done I won’t be too upset.
Lila
Hi everyone
Naz - thank you for your words - and you did say ‘something’, it helps others who feel the same to know they’re not alone, then ‘issues’ can start to be dealt and hopefully, with support and friendship, the healing gets stronger.
Another thing you said - a subject close to both Jane’s and my heart right now is the nipple recon & tattooing! I know this isn’t the appropriate thread to do this on but I’m just itching to pick your brains on that one!! I’m due to get silicone fakes made in 2 weeks (I’ll compare notes with you on that one Clarabelle!) as not allowed recon until next year.
Lila - guess men are strange things, and you sure have a ‘good thing’, long may it last! 
Some can’t handle BC because they’re shallow, others genuinely can’t cope, much as they may truly want to. If you’re a woman who’s unlucky enough to receive the wrong kind of reaction, the blow takes some getting over.
Clarabelle - you’re not alone and believe me, although I’ve certainly written my fair share of ‘how it is at the moment’ but that won’t be how it always is and good things will come. I am, and I know Jane is, very much working for a successful outcome, good relationship, spooky as we’ll have to start from scratch, but we WILL get there! And I’m all for ‘dressing up’ for a bit of fun, but for me it must be ‘fun’ and not because I ‘have to’ and that’s the issue I’m working on.
Lots of love to everyone. Cathy xx
Do you think that as a woman, how would we handle it if our OH’s were have their testicles removed due to cancer and go through all the treatment?
I think men also have the same hang ups about their crown jewels as we have about our boobs. How would we react?
Hi Lily, that’s an interesting point and a few male friends have thown that one at me. Although it’s a comparison of sorts, I always remind them that their testicles are not ‘on show’ 24/7 like our breast shape is - whether clothed or not. No-one’s going to ‘point and stare’ at them! Even in a swimming pool, testicles can’t be easily seen like breasts can - we just can’t hide them! Also, I’ve never come across a woman who’s said they’ve really loved their mens’ testicles or commented on how sexy they were They just don’t hold the same erotic status as breasts (we don’t have a page 3 for testicles, lol!) I certainly couldn’t give a damn whether a man has big/small/minus one testicles and if he ‘lost’ them due to illness, it wouldn’t matter one iota, as long as he was OK and I would do my upmost make sure he was OK. I’d never love him any less. Men may have an issue with theirs but women certainly don’t seem to. A better comparison for me would be if, say, a man had a concave chest, far more ‘noticable’. It’s strange, scars/wounds etc on a man seem to make him more appealng whilst for a woman, this doesn’t happen. Sad but true.
Lots of love. Cathy x