Juliet hi …you refer to the mags under the bed …I have stood behind mine (unbeknown to him )when he is Skyping …he says he uses it for work !! not with the comments I saw he doesnt !!!
I have got to the point now where I dont even fancy him any more …and to be honest cant remember if I ever did as I have changed so much so just gonna get on with it xxx
Hi everyone. I’ve been away and out of touch for a bit. Reading back through all these posts - it is just amazing that the real story of life after BC is so completely different from the one promoted endlessly in the glossy magazines - before I got this - I’d flip through heart warming features of breast cancer survivors in ‘super charity fashion shows,’ starring Mrs Ultimate Survivor who simply ‘didn’t have time for breast cancer,’ so carried on as normal - and look at all these ‘lovely ladies’ before and aftered shining with their highlights and lipgloss. Is part of the problem this cavern between reality and the fiction that is consistently rammed down our throats every October? I understand that lots of this has provided invaluable funds for organisations such as this one - but where do we read about the anger, the grief, the loss of self, the damaged relationships that are the true face of life after breast cancer - at least for many of us…?
Reading the posts made me realise as well how angry our OHs are - and some of what you write - about everything ending in a row - not being able to broach subjects etc and about everything being turned round to become our fault - well I thought that was just me - and you’re right about the fact that it no longer seems worth not saying what we think and feel. What have we got to lose? And that they don’t like that - it changes the balance of things. I’ve suddenly realised that I’ve been doing this - and that is what is interpreted as me being aggressive - it’s just not being passive and scared about rocking the boat as I have been for the last 20 years.
The financial prisons this illness creates only make things worse. I am now desperate to find a way to increase my own earning potential -and I realise that I’m looking for a key to freedom - and maybe a better balance of power - whatever that means. I am quite sure that every single one of us is still attractive to someone - but not necessarily the one who has watched us grow and change and become our true selves - and that is just heartbreaking.
Anyway - thanks everyone for this incredibly reassuring thread and the opportunity to offload - and for giving me some real insight into things…
Hi all
I should be in bed,but I have my appointment tomorrow and feel a little anxious. My main concern is that I will let my barriers down and give the poor counsellor a mouthful…I have grown so used to feeling safe on here and the other site, to be able to be the real me, when none of us know eachother…somehow the anonimity makes me feel able to say it how is. I don’t want to walk in there and be all ‘yes, I’m fine,’ blah, blah,blah…but equally I must remember it is not her fault, not anyone’s really…I just hope that I don’t feel patronised…Well, we’ll have wait and see and I’ll let you know how I get on.
Reg…I too cry mostly at night, just after lights out, a kiss and I love you…
The saddest thing is, we really do love eachother…I just don’t love myself anymore.
Wish me luck!!
Scarlet.
Good luck Scarlet xxxxx
Manou …I will admit that I will be one of those BC survivors on the catwalk of the BCC fashion show in October…but only to prove to myself that I have the confidence to get up there in front of all those people and feel confident about myself and my body image and if this helps other sufferers then great I am proud to do it …It is going to be the hardest thing in the world to do for me but I am glad to be given the chance to do it …my OH and family will be there perhaps he may percieve me differently …who knows and maybe most of all I may see myself in a different light ! there is life after breast cancer certainly albeit not quite the same as before x
LOVE YA ALL
Maz
Hi ladies
Hi Scarlet, Good Luck for today, hope all goes well. You could always tell counsellor to come on here and read how it really is - for now at least :-). Having said that, I have to say that the sheer ‘in your face’ honesty here is one of the most poweful healing experiences I’ve had. I may be wrong but I think by being able to wallow a bit and spit venom if necessary (in this envorinment with friends who really understand) is surely a good way to begin (hopefully) retarting and feeling OK with a decent sex life without inhibitions or shame.
Hi Mazaroo. I’m so chuffed that you’re doing the show (even tho’ I don’t know you, from the way you write, I think this is one huge confidence boost and although I agree with Manou’s comments about the ‘highlights & lipgloss survivors’ hype, for you I think this is a perfect opportunity to stick a giant finger up at cancer!! I’d love to be able to get up there myself but would probably get thrown out after getting over excited and screaming something like “Hey cancer, f*ck yeeeeew!!” Sorry, just had a funny moment … you weren’t planning to do that were you? 
Hi Jane. Being a single bod myself and idetifying with so much of what you say, I wondered how far down the line you are and if you’ve found yourself able to be comfortable around people who you find attractive. I’ve so far told 2 x partners (the only 2 I keep in touch with) about my op and I have to say it’s gone really well. One’s a bit squeamish but it doesnt matter as I’m never going to be physical with him again. The other’s been an absolute diamond, genuinely interested, offering help (without patronising). When he looks at me, there’s not a scrap of pity in his eyes, just the same admiration that’s always been there (how the hell did I let him get away?!).I think this backs up your comment about people who have known you or been in your life for a long time and knew the real you ‘before’ - although I appreciate that this hasn’t been the case for everyone here. Of course, I’m nowhere near meeting a new partner yet and certainly wouldn’t take the risk without the fab new nipple that I’m going to possess, but once that’s in place, who knows!
Oops, rambing on again, just so passionate about this subject!
Beautiful day here. Lots of love to everyone. Cathy x
Hey All
Good luck Scarlett xx! Maz, well done, if it helps, just do it! And Manou, Reg, Juliet - I hear you. Cathy, I have not really kept in touch with exes - my last love is with someone and he was very embarrassed by the news that i was “unwell”. He has avoided seeing me and that is okay because it all ending badly between us. I have had a few dates - one with a guy who liked me before diagnosis but I think he was thinking breast cancer Kylie-stylee, not chemo pallor and m-op. I thought I would be casual sort of explaining it to him (third date). I remember the words - I waited till he asked when chemo ended as I was due a cycle a few days after and then said “So there’s only two more cycles to go and then hopefully back to see the surgeon for some cosmetic work”. He said “What cosmetic work?” I said “Just tidying up my reconstruction”. He was calm at the time and just said “Oh, I’m sorry”. Then after a few minutes he went to the toilet and did not come back. I called a waiter who said he had paid the bill and left. Last I saw or heard from him until a few days later when I got flowers saying “Sorry - I can’t deal with that”.
Other guy i dated; it was going well and we were in a clinch after a lovely evening - he reaches up and touches the recon - pulls back horrified - this is almost funny and says “God, what is that?” presumably because it is very hard. So I told him and he looked like I had admitted torturing puppies. End of.
I do get asked out but I just do not know where all these men are who desire women just as much post bc! I am sick of silly platitudes about it all and thank God for you girls! My “real” friends just do not understand and tell me such b******t about how lovely I am and how no-one would know. I read something the other day on another bc site where they had an expert psych Q&A about sex and she said most sex takes place in the dark under bed clothes - I reckon that is just how out of touch “experts” are with real people’s sex lives.
Good luck all
Jane x
Hello all, and diepcat, love your rants, feel free!
Just thought I’d mention something amusing on this theme: on American breastcancer.org, as well as the usual on keeping our clothes on, letting him enter from the rear for fear of offending his sensibilities, and permission from them to masturbate, they also say “a prosthesis feels just like a breast under clothes” - I had to email them and say how ridiculous that was, I told them my husband would no more fondle a milk jug than a prosthesis and even if he did, it would be a private matter for him because I certainly wouldn’t know about it.
Dear God.
love, sno x
Actually that’s the site i was talking about. I think the advice is really poor and I think fails to grasp what sex between two people is supposed to be about. I could no more have sex where I have to hide myself in shame than I could torture puppies. I emailed them too.
Sno - my recon is not pleasureable when touched, for me or the hand touching it, in fact I ususally don’t know it has been touched and have bruised it on occasion without realisisng - makes you wonder what they think anyone is getting out of groping a falsey or a recon.
.
Maybe I just lived a sheltered life???
Cathy that would be good wouldnt it !!! Dont think I can carry on like that as my family and boss will be there …its £150 ticket so I will have to behave myself!! mental pic tho pmsl !!!
Good morning ladies (and any men looking for tips on recons …:-))
OK Mazaroo, I’ll settle for wishing you well on the catwalk lol! Like your flowers by the way. Must put a piccy up there myself rather than the egg balancing on upturned brekkie bowl!
Snow White - not surprised about the American BC leaflet but incensed (here we go!) about the prosthesis bit. A lady at work pulled hers out on me and plopped it in my hand and believe me, the thing weighed a flippin’ ton! Yes it looked fabulous in clothes but I’d like to see whoever wrote this leaflet (assuming female), having a passionate clinch while wearing one of these in, say, this senario … ‘they kiss passionately etc, & frantically tear off each others’ clothes and then’ … the prosthesis drops out and gives him a dead foot (and a dead something else!!), umm, very passionate! *note - I apologise uneservedly to any ladies (or gents) who do manage, especially in new relationships (er, could you write a lealet?!) - no offence intended* x
Jane, thanks for your reply re dating. Talk about ‘beautifully illustrated’. I’ve had so much ‘advice’ from women and BCN(!) about how to begin dating with a recon, ie, ‘Well, if he’s worth it, he’ll be fine with it’ or ‘Oh, you may meet a few (a few!!) men who’ll react badly but you’ll soon find one who’s OK’. Well, 2 points. Firstly, in defence of men, it would take an absolute stud to ‘carry on performing’ as if nothing had happened, so then we have to tell/warn them - and risk the crushing reactions you’ve had, if we tell them early on (and how many of those can you take until you’re so deflated and robbed of confidence that you give up). Secondly, we could leave it until he knows us better, and we’ve started to develop feelings for him and then really risk getting our hearts broken (and possibly break his if he genuinely can’t handle it (oops, pun!)). Sure, he may stick around for the right reasons and become ‘the one’, if so, then bingo!
Of course, it’s no easier for women in long term situations although, thankfully, some have partners who can easily accept the changes the BC brings. But how many have to face the loss of formerly loving attentive husbands who suddenly find them unattractive - especially when society/media keep throwing perfect bouncy breasts at men every minute and some men really believe that they’re all real and that it’s the woman’s fault if hers fail to make the grade!!
Having said all this, I still won’t give up …!
Lots of love to all. Cathy x
All the dating advice I got was complete rubbish and based on the man seeing my true worth despite my deficiency. The restaurant guy was a really nice man - he is not some selfish so and so and he was genuinely upset at not being able to accept me, warts and all. But i revolt him and that’s the simple truth; i didn’t revolt him before the m-op and recon, but i do now.
And it is a dilemma, whether single or partnered about when and how much do we reveal and risk the hurt.
And I am jealous of all the lovely girls with their own pair - i can not bear to see other women’s naked boobs, so I am a prude. also do think that the advice we get about sharing erotica or porn, lingerie reinforces the idea that we are not enough without additional stimuli for the man. Love to all xxx
Love to all
Well Jane, for what it’s worth, you have my wholehearted admiration and respect. Why? Because you had the guts to try … & you’ve helped me to believe that one day I will too. I hope you don’t give up. Thank you x
Hope today’s going well for everyone - sunny here! xxx’s to all. Cathy x
Wow! such a lot has been said on this thread whilst I have been away - (1 week in the sun, got back yesterday and had a fab time).
Lots of you have commented on my post re wearing sexy underwear and keeping the top on but many of you seem to have taken it the wrong way - I did not mean that I hide or cover up my scar/recon but wear sexy underwear to make me feel good about myself and ‘normal’ again and for me it works. In the first few weeeks after my mastectomy I fully understood that my hubby may not want to see my scar during love making and I was uncomfortable with showing it but when we discussed this we both agreed that it was not an issue for us and we were glad to resume our love life to how it was pre BC. In fact it is better than ever because having breast cancer has made us both realise how fragile life is and that either one of us could be taken from the other at short notice so we now enjoy each other more and treat each day as if it were our last.
I think our OH’s struggle with it all more than we do - they too grieve for our lost breast, they are upset we have had to go through this and feel helpless and at a loss of what to do for the best - they cant do right for doing wrong and so withdraw. It is not their fault yet I think we sometimes take out our despair and anger on them which is unfair. My hubby wanted sex but didnt think I would with one breast, and vice versa - I didnt think he would want sex with a one breasted woman but we were both wrong and if we hadnt been open and honest with each other I do think we could have slipped into the position a lot of you are now in. However, I do think I had to make the bigger effort to show him that I was still the same woman underneath with the same needs and desires and by making the effort to look good and dress up a little as I did before diagnosis, made me feel good too. How many of us used to enjoy making the effort for our other halves but no longer do?
Hi everyone
Hi Clarabelle, so glad you’ve had a lovely week away. Just a quick line re the ‘wearing undies’ posts. Personally I was referring to the twee leaflets and advice from the ‘professionals’ about returning to sex life after recon and being made to feel that we ought to cover ourselves and modify things now that we’re ‘imperfect’. They don’t even touch on the more gritty issues that single and partnered women have to face. I think the way you’ve managed to work it out with your OH (& have an OH that wants it back too) is fantastic, extremely encouraging, and goes to prove Jane’s comment about hope for people who have good loving relationships with partners who knew the ‘before BC’ partner and still want to. I agree that OH’s suffer too and it’s a 2-way thing. Unfortunately, though, there are too many OH’s who back away and don’t want to put it right, leaving their partners feeling desolate. Definately not knocking you (wouldn’t dare - I’m new here! :-)), just the sometimes patronising advice from ‘professionals’ who really haven’t been there.
Lots of love. Cathy x
There have been so many good points raised on here, but Clarabell has certainly summed up my own personal situation. Looking back, nearly 3 yrs, just after my op I asked my other half to look at my scar, he refused, all be it politly and kindly, he simple felt squeemish. Knowing what I know now, I should have insisted. It was 2 mths before he would look and by then it was very hard for me to show it. It was all so uncomfortable emotionally, that I think that was the starting point to the deterioration of our relationship.
If pushed he says it doesn’t bother him what I look like, but sadly he he does nothing to make me feel this at any other time, and sex is excruciatingly painfully embarrasing with the man I have been married to for 31 yrs, who used to rip my clothes off and get so excited by the thought of what was under my skirt, bra etc. Now it’s dead and lifeless, noone can tell me thats nothing to do with losing a boob.
It’s too much of a coincidence that the sex life stopped after the boob was removed.
I was playing a Billy Bragg cd in the car today and these lines struck a nerve with me…
“I thought about her eyes
and the curve of her breasts
and the point where their bodies meet…”
…at least I have two eyes, albeit sad ones at the moment.
Irene …so sad and true … I could be reading about myself as you know we have met and spoken about this !
I have resigned myself to the fact that this is it ! I am sick of being unhappy …frustrated .you name it I want my life back with or without a breast !! so I am sure as hell gonna try and find it xxx
And Lisa I think we all have sad eyes on here so we will just help each other xxx
Clarabelle
Happy for you that things are going so well and that you don’t seem to have lost any “normality”.
I fear, know, it would take much much more than sexy underwear to make me feel better or even good about myself. Window dressing and when the dressing is removed there nothing worth seeing or touching. As a friend once remarked “I have nothing under my t-shirt”. Nice underwear will not make a jot of difference to how I feel about my body and to be honest it would probably make it worse because it would be a SHAM, good and proper. I buy whatever covers me and that is usually plain ugly molded bras that are too big but cover the evidence, the bl**dy scars which show how I have paid the price which I think wasn’t worth paying - see also thread “I don’t feel glad they found it”.
As I remarked before it would take someone with a fettish to prefer touching an implant over touching the “real thing” and my implant forms part of a very poor reCON. Recently a surgeon described it as " a dog’s breakfast - I’m trying to be kind".
If I were single I just wouldn’t consider dating. Jane’s experience must have been crushing and if it ceases to crush you then you’ve become hardened and cease to care which is where I am I suppose. I wouldn’t go on the dating scene and “compete” because I no longer qualify to take part in the “competition” and to some extent it IS a competition because you hope that someone will choose you rather than someone else don’t you?
I’m not so sure being married is any better because, as said earlier in this thread, we feel under a certain pressure to please and I can no longer please and, in fact, have no aspiration to be pleased either so without libido I feel guilty - not about not wishing to be pleased - about not wishing to please him, about not really caring a jot any more about this “stuff”.
Reg.
I am going on holiday soon and have been looking for a bra with clear straps. The choice is so limiting. Firstly I am a 42C and most don’t go that big. The ones that do either look like old lady style, very full cups, or have a plunging front exposing scar and making prosthesis not fit correctly.
It may be a minor thing in the big scheme of things, but I am so fed up about this. Just one more thing to get me depressed.
In some ways I am dreading the enforced 2 weeks of contact in a hot climate when in truth I would like to sleep naked, but know I will not do so as won’t want OH to see me in that state. I just hate my body with it’s Tamoxifen fueled rolls of fat and one boob.
Irene
hi irene, nicola jane do a nice one with clear straps also goes halter or criss cross as well, in black white or a nude colour, I am pretty sure it goes up to a 42c cup you can visit themn on line.I know what you mean though not a lot of choice best wishes suzan