Hi everyone,
My mum has now got secondary breast cancer for the 9th year i think it is - it’s in her breast, bones, liver, lungs - the list goes on. She has now been told it’s flared up again (3 weeks ago) had one chemo session, hair fell out yesterday and pretty much there is no more that can be done. She was lucky enough to be blessed with a benifactor (family member) who paid for her treatment privately but due to the costs now being even more ridiculous there is pretty much no more that can be done.
I’m 26 and still living at home with mum (just me and her) and am finding it awful. She is losing weight like god knows what and her appetite is practically zero. I am trying to be strong for her but am struggling…fine face to face with her but then crumble when I go to bed or am on my own. We talk about it and what’s happening with palliative care etc - they have just started coming into play for as and when the time comes that she gets a lot worse and they have said that she could stay at home until the end which is great. I just need to find the strength from somewhere to keep it all together - during the day I have this shell of i’m fine and i put on a front but then crumble on my own. I’m petrified of losing her and ~I cannot think of my life without her. All of the things that a girl thinks of when she is younger - having children and getting married - mum being around for that. Now my thoughts turn to it probably not happening. I just don’t know what to do anymore and how to feel. I have superb friends around me who all say that they are here as and when I need them but i’m someone who doesn’t talk to many people and likes to deal with it on my own. As and when I feel i need to talk to them or to use their tissues to cry about it all then i will. I’m just struggling big time. It’s always been mum and me since I was 4 and so we have a very strong bond and relationship. I’m just scared and don’t know what to do anymore.
Sorry to anyone who is reading this as most of it probably doesn’t make sense. I just had to write it down and release.
Thanks for reading it and sorry if you are exhausted by it! I am! x
I am so sorry sweetheart, your post has brought tears to my eyes. You poor thing, how terribly sad. I can’t offer words of wisdom, but I can say that if you continue to come on here we will all try and give you as much support as we can.
Massive hugs.
SGL xxx
Hi tinkerbel 2008
I am sorry to read about you Mum. It sounds like you’re finding things pretty tough at the moment, which is understandable in the circumstances.
Can I suggest you give the BCC helpline a call and talk with one of our trained members of staff. Here you can share your feelings and they will offer you a listening ear and some emotional support.
The number to call is 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open weekdays 9 to 5pm and Saturdays 9 to 2pm.
Best wishes Sam, BCC Facilitator
gosh what a wonderful daughter you are. Being totally there for your mum and making it possible for her to stay at home. She sounds such a wonderful lady who has given you much through your life and no wonder you cannot face the thought of life without her.
I cannot imagine what you are going through. I totally understand about you not wanting to talk about it and wanting to deal with it on your own, so I hope just writint it all down here has helped.
some people do find ringing the helpline is good. Its annonymous, they dont know who you are, you can hang up if it gets too emotional and ring again later. Its a shame it does not operate in the wee small hours becaue I know that is when most people need support, but you will be surprised how many people on the forums are around at that time.
I dont want to see my friends at the moment, but i am keeping in touch by email, I dont want to shut them out, but i dont want them visiting for some reason, so i can understand where you are coming from there.
I am glad you felt that you could share it with us. Reading other peoples stories helps put my silly concerns into perspective.
There’s no need to apologise for your posting. It sounds like you have an amazing and special relationship with your Mum. I’ve not been through the same as you so can only imagine how terribly painful it is for you - and reading your posting has made me cry too.
I’m glad that you’re starting to get some support at home from a palliative care team. Don’t be afraid to contact them too if you need advice or more help etc.
It’s also okay not to be strong all the time. I understand you wanting to deal with things on your own but you might find the support and love from friends a bigger comfort than you think.
I’m sending you a big hug.
take care, Elinda xx
Tinkerbel, what a lovey avatar picture you’ve put up, you both look so happy together.
I can’t say anything practical, but wanted to send you a huge virtual hug. A relationship like you have with your mum is very special, and it’s so sad to see this horrible disease causing you both such pain.
I have to say though, it might not be such a problem for you to have a jolly good cry with your mum, it might even “give her permission” to let go with you and give her a release as I’m sure she’s trying very hard to be strong for you too. Sometimes shared tears can be cathartic.
Big hugs to you both,
CM
x
Bigs hugs tinkerbel, I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through. You’re being so strong for your mum she is lucky to have a daughter like you to look after her. Keep talking on here you’ll find loads of support xx
hi tinkerbel … i am so sorry you are going through this bless you … wish i could magic it all away, i too lost my mom with cancer when i was 20 it was devastating,you seem so close and that is beautiful all i can say is you think you wont cope but you really will somehow we do , have you other family around you? just dont be too hard on yourself allow yourself to get upset and angry and ask for counselling too , i dont really talk to many people but it can help to get things off your chest, sending you lots of love to you both xxx
Ladies, you really are all amazing. I just decided last night to spill all my thoughts onto here - i posted the same thing in the ‘end of life’ section and also in the ‘friends and family’ section. Sometimes it’s just easier to write to people that don’t know you if you know what I mean.
Mum decided to shave her hair tonight (even though I had already cut the stragly bits off) because it was irritable so is now totally smooth. She suits it actually in a weird way!
Her friend suggested that she came and saw us this week but understandably mum said not to as it would be too upsetting to say goodbye. It seems quite final in some ways but then not in others - we don’t know how long she has but then again in some way it’s quite nice because you are not counting the days etc, you are just enjoying the time together. Like we went to the beach yesterday - I was mums chauffer and we just had a lovely day together. It was really nice.
Anyway, I just thought i’d say thank you very much for listening so to speak and for reading all my blurb. SEnding you all lots of wishes back - stay strong and we will fight this b*****d of a disease in one way or another. x Annabel x
Hi Annabel,
So sorry to hear your mum has detiorated must be so devastating for you. Sounds like you are being an amazing support to her and enjoying your time together.
Am thinking of you and praying for you both.
Sarah xxx
Hi Annabel,
Sorry that you and your mum are going through this, I can’t begin to imagine what you both are going through. Your picture is lovely and I echo what others have said that you have a fantastic relationship and this must make it all the more difficult for you both now.
I can understand your mum not wanting to see people and the upset ‘saying goodbye’ would cause.
I lost a very close cousin (aged 44 yrs) to cervical cancer 9 years ago (she was an only child and her mother had alzheimers so couldn’t rely on her) and she left behind 2 wonderful kids who were aged 14 and 16 at the time, it was a very difficult for them especially afterwards when their father went off the rails drinking, re-married and kicked them both out of the house (I don’t think he could stand them being a reminder of what he’d lost) the kids then came to live with me and my sister until we could get them sorted in a house of their own - the one thing that my cousin did as she couldn’t face the ‘goodbyes’ either was that she got a good friend to ‘video’ some goodbye messages to her closest friends and family and in particular for her kids - which was obviously traumatic for her at the time as she couldn’t do it face to face, but just as painful for us to see after she had gone, and we couldn’t watch it with the kids until 4 years after she had gone. I’m not sure if this is something which may help practically or not.
Make the most of the good time that you have left together, it is going to be a truly difficult time for you both and it sounds like your friends will be there for you and don’t be afraid to lean on them too, they may just pleasantly surprise you. You will always have the support from others on here too when you need it…
Sending you and your mum big hugs
Bev x
Hi Tinkerbel
I am so sorry for you and your mum. I am thinking of you but don’t really know what to say to help you through this except that as Sam says the BCC helpline were marvellous and extremely supportive when I needed to ring them recently.
Much love
Lynn x
Heck, not a good situation to be in. But not totally hopeless. Friend of mine was riddled with cancer and given a few weeks to live, struggling, lost weight, couldn’t eat etc etc. Seven months later she’s running a national gardening show and various committees and has been told to expect a good bit of life. She’d changed team. Not sure what the full situation is there, and of course everyone is different, but strange things can happen. Either way, talk to us, to the BCC team, to friends - anyone who can be extra support. Having lost both my parents many years ago, I know there’s life and love afterwards but it doesn’t feel like it at the time…
Hugs (virtual, if they help)
Ann x
Just to let you all know that Mum died on Friday 15th July 2011 in her sleep with me beside her. She had battled with cancer for 9 years on and off. She will no longer be in pain and at peace now. I know that she will be watching over me forever now and will always be with me no matter what I do or where I go.
xxx
Oh, i’m so very sorry to hear that, bless u. So glad for u that u were with her, i think u’ll take comfort from that. She will be with u wherever u go, she’ll always be watching over u, i’m a firm believer in that. U had a very special relationship & ur memories will help u through. Sending a virtual hug ur way, lots of love Heather x
so sorry to hear about your mum. Glad to hear that for both your sakes you were with her at the end. Its a wonderful picture there of you both, she sounds a wonderful person.
Thoughts and prayers are with you and you wider family and friends. Treasure those special memories
Fran
x
So sorry to hear your news, wishing you all the best for the future and I hope you can treasure the memories you have and gradually build yourself a new, very different but enjoyable life.
Ali
Im so sorry to hear this, yes she will always be with you
sending you much love
Mekala x
im so sorry xx