This is nothing to do with cancer as such, just need to have a rant so I’ll feel better!
My OH Ex-Wife who has a daughter with, called him the other day in a panic as she hasn’t paid her rent and the office that deals with rents has contacted her about it.
She hasn’t paid her rent because she spent it whilst on Holiday abroad.
She asked my OH to “lend” her £500 as she hasn’t got it.
What an absolute b****y cheeky cow. I could not BELIEVE that she was asking us to bail her out when I have CANCER and we’ve already said how much we’re struggling and she spent her rent money on holiday!!!
I can believe it really because she’s always been a selfish cow but recently she seems to have been a little bit more decent towards us and hasn’t made everything about her, but it seems to be creeping back in again.
Plus this “Lending” thing - we wouldn’t get it back, she’s totally predictable.
Then I felt annoyed as my OH said to me “what about £200” to me - I’m sorry, but her rent is NOT OUR PROBLEM, we have a little saved up for an emergency, OUR emergency not HERS.
He feels obilged because of his daughter, what if his ex gets thrown out of their house because she hasn’t paid her rent.
Well - she shouldn’t have spent her rent money on holiday the silly cow. I wouldn’t do something that irresponsible, ESPECIALLY if I had a child living with me full time.
It’s not like this is a one off either, she’s always wanting people to bail her out because she’s an idiot with money.
Anyway, I’ve told him he’s to tell her we can’t give her anything.
I felt like texting her and saying “are you serious??? You wanted £500 off us when I’m going through cancer treatment! Nice!” but I thought No, I’ll keep out of it again. But this just makes me soooo cross it really does.
Oh dear. I get the impression that your OH has “lent” her money in the past and it hasn’t been re-paid? This is a tricky one but in my opinion the more help you give someone, the more helpless they become! Boundaries need to be set and once set, never bend them or break them. Perhaps he could encourage her to go to citizens advice who maybe able to negotiate on her behalf with her landlord to pay the rent over a period of time to “catch up”.
Try not to let it get to you! Easier said than done I know.
I get so annoyed with her neediness. I think she’s one of these that’s never had to learn because someone always bails her out.
I suppose I also feel a bit jealous because nobody has EVER bailed me out, I’ve always had to deal with consequences of my actions so I learnt early on.
She reckons shes trying to get a crisis loan from the benefits office.
But why ask US for it? I assume noone else is mug enough to lend it to her - perhaps they’ve been burnt in the past too.
You know, if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn’t have the NERVE to ask her - it wouldn’t cross my mind. She’s not a friend, she’s not a relative.
What annoys me is that sometimes I think because she’s got his daughter that she thinks she has some claim on him.
Why would she want to risk the fact that everyone is getting on OK at the moment by pushing it?
I really really hope my OH doesn’t go against my wishes and do it anyway. He’s done that before and guess what, it backfired.
I said to him that we can’t trust her to pay us back and we can’t afford for that to happen, I’ve got rads coming up and we have to pay to get to hospital and back etc.
Sounds like she’s developed a habit of using emotional blackmail on your OH - using the implied threat that his daughter will suffer if she doesn’t get what she wants, without being so stupid as to actually say it aloud. Leaving poor you as piggy in the middle.
What a selfish cow! This kind of added stress is all you need with everything else you are dealing with. I am not surprised that you are angry.
I am sure it is difficult when there are children from previous relationships involved but your OH should be putting you first. It is unlikely she will be evicted unless she is very behind and it is a private landlord, but anyway it is NOT YOUR PROBLEM!
I would sit down with him and over a nice cup of tea/beer/glass of wine, just explain how hurt you would be if he bailed her out again, particularly at the moment.
Oh god yes she does and it really winds me up.
I’m definitely piggy in the middle, I think it’s worse because I’m a woman and I can SEE it better than my OH can.
I can give you an example of this - she got herself made homeless for the 3rd time by moving in with some bloke she’d known for a month and then it all going wrong and she was out on her ear. She put all her stuff into storage and left it there for 6 months.
She then asked my OH if he could pay for the storage costs as she was going to lose all her stuff, when he asked how much she said £1k - ?? He actually laughed at her and said “no chance” and she said “but all daughters stuff is in storage, most of her clothes, her toys, bedroom furniture”
He said No way in that instance.
THEN next time we had his daughter she said she was upset with us because she couldn’t have all her stuff because her Mum told her her Dad wouldn’t pay for the storage - and his daughter was really angry with US!!! I explained to her that it was her Mum that put that stuff in storage and had to pay for that, not US. But at 6 she didn’t understand that.
Daisygirl - I would be hurt, very. I feel for my OH too, he’s a nice decent bloke and he falls for her needy panics, that’s how he got involved with her in the first place! She had nowhere to go, he had a house, he said she could stay in his spare room til she sorted herself out, they ended up in a relationship.
However, he doesn’t seem to worry about MY financial panics, so I’ll admit that I feel pushed to one side sometimes because she has the power with having a child with him. It feels worse now because we can’t have kids together ourselves, that I feel even more seneitive to that power she has in comparison to me. It’s primoridal I admit and illogical but there you have it, it takes guts to admit to it.
I know he feels trapped in the middle himself between trying to do whats right for his daughter, which means bailing out his ex, and not upsetting me in the process. But I’m afraid that I feel that I should come first, I’ve been with him 10 years.
I’ve been compromising as hell whilst I’ve had treatment too, looking after his daughter during the week whilst he’s at work and she’s at work.
My OH does whatever he can for an easy life when it comes to his ex and I think he thinks its easier to give in to her and upset me to be honest, because I’m not an unreasonable screaming harpy who’ll make him look bad in front of his daughter.
However, if he goes against my wishes this time there will be hell to pay because I really can’t keep my gob shut this time.
DG - I said to him last night that I really don’t feel we should help her out as I dont think she’ll pay us back, it’ll totally ruin how well everyone is getting on at the moment and that shes got to learn her own lessons. He said he agreed with me but he looked awkward and I know it’s because he doesn’t want his daughter to lose her own home, no doubt his EX would tell her that we woudln’t lend her money too.
I said to him that its not easy to evict people anyway, it can take forever.
Just sorry your having to have to go through this now ESP with bc she shld no better what is it with oh and exs that just can’t see it u bail her out u be doing again and again u need him to be firm they won’t throw a 6 yr old out my niece was in sim pos I hope it get sorted with out y expense big hug
Thanks Laura - their daughter is now 12 years old BTW but even so, his ex needs to sort her own problems out, shes in the 30’s for goodness sake.
I’ve said to my OH before that if you keep bailing her out, she’ll keep asking and it’ll never end, she needs to stop thinking of him in that way. We’re not babysitters for when she wants to go out and we’re not a bank.
The problem is, of course, he says no, his ex blame shifts to their daughter who thinks the sun shines out of her Mums backside, despite her constantly letting her down - she excuses her Mum all the time and she believes that everything that happens to her Mum is someone elses fault because that’s what she’s been fed by her.
It’s very hard work to listen to.
She once said to me that we should have given her Mum money for a deposit for a house because we’re “rich” - I said “where do you get the idea that we’re rich from?? We’re not rich, just because we can pay our bills and have the odd treat does not make us RICH” and she said “Well you have more money than my Mum does, she said so”
???! ARGHHHHH!!!
Kids sorry I know it’s not funny but u have to laugh at them sometimes it’s v hard for you stuck in the middle us ladys need to moan she lucky she got u to help out I wish I had someone to help me out whilst also having chemo with all y se you had to deal with what wld she have done if u were working unf until he stands up to her it will never stop I know u have to help y kids out but there is a limit I’m always here if u wanna moan xx
EK
Me and my OH were just talking about this sort of thing the other day, people messing up in whatever and then expecting someone elde to bail em out!! and I remembered I heard something on the radio… not related but the principle is the same… If an alcoholic falls off the wagon and throws up everywhere makes a mess wrecks the place?? passes out?? whatever etc; put them in the recovery position and let them clean up there own mess in the morning!!! or they will never learn… tell her if she gets evicted you will take the daughter in until she finds somewhere else and gets settled!!! you have a responsibilty to the child NOT her!!!
Oh yes sometimes it can be funny but sometimes it’s also incredibly sad and hard to bite your lip. She said at one point that her Mum and boyf split up because he was “making her drink”. I said to my stepdaughter that noone can MAKE you do anything you don’t WANT to do. Oh and look, still drinking, still having wild parties and her boyf is nowhere to be seen.
She is very lucky I’ve helped out with childcare, I thought seeing as we were all getting on OK at the moment that I’d do the decent thing and help out, but give an inch take a mile.
The woman makes it very very hard to keep on being decent with her.
I have utterly hated her in the past because of her behaviour and we’re all only just mending this in the past year, after 9 years of difficulty.
My OH does need to be tough with his ex, it’s always been a problem. She has been the one major problem in our relationship, he has no idea how close I’ve come to calling it a day purely because I’ve been so sick of having her in our lives causing arguments and stress. I have no problem whatsoever with his daughter, it’s her MOTHER that’s the problem, always has been.
I can’t make my OH stand up to her though, believe me I’ve tried.
He doesn’t do it in the right way - they end up screaming at each other, he’s not a naturally assertive person, that’s why. I’ve stood up to her in a controlled way and assertive way and she’s caved immediately, I’ve even had apologies out of her which he never has.
I can out-argue anyone I employ Super-Nanny tactics to speak to his ex, because she is like dealing with a difficult child
I’m feeling better for a good old grumble. I’m sure my mates are sick of hearing it all from the past. Things have been so much better in the last year.
In fact if this all kicks off again I’ll call her myself and ask her why she wants to spoil all the progress we’ve all made over the past year, again to remind her as before, that we are not jumped up babysitters, or a bank. That we are there for their daughter ONLY, to see her when she wants to see us and our lives are none of each others business unless it’s affecting their daughter. To keep out of it all.
J - absolutely spot on. That’s the only way people learn. Their daughter is the same though, never taking responsibility and having tonnes of excuses, she sounds just like her Mum when she’s done something wrong. I’ve told her again and again that people make mistakes, it happens, but you learn from them and move on and also you apologise to anyone you’ve upset along the way.
We actually did take their daughter in, she got herself made homeless (again, this has happened 3 times btw) and my OH got really angry about it and said he wasn’t having his daughter sleeping on random peoples sofas/floors again so we would take her in. Her Mum objected something chronic but he put his foot down and she caved. She was living with us for 4 months and really missed her Mum. Oh and her Mum broke loads of arrangements for her to spend time with her - acted like a deadbeat dad. I found this very ironic seeing as she makes herself out to be mother superior.
Poor child was really upset about being away from her Mum, she didn’t work so she was used to her being there all the time.
She’s not turn up when she said she would, be really late with no phone call and her mobile turned off etc and we’d have to deal with a wailing child as a result.
Good point though, think I’ll say to my OH that when he calls her to say that we can’t help her out but that if the worst does come to the worst and she does lose her house then we’ll happily take their daughter back in to live with us until she’s sorted and she can store her daughters stuff at ours too
My partner’s ex is similar, though thank goodness nowhere near as bad as your OH’s ex. The kids live with my OH not with her. She constantly makes out that she has no money, and no holiday time from work so she can’t have them over the summer. Know why? Because she’s used up all her holiday days on herself, and has spent all her money on herself. When they were younger, the kids used to ask their dad to buy the birthday presents for all the parties they went to, “because mummy doesn’t have any money”, but the kids have both got a lot wiser towards her and spend time with her out of a sense of duty rather than anything else, because she never does anything with them. She picks them up on alternate Saturday mornings and brings them back on Sunday, often doesn’t even give them lunch. She used to pick them up on Friday straight after work and bring them back on Sunday evenings fed and ready for bed, but that’s gone by the board, and when they’re there they just play on the computer so they find it really boring.
I completely agree with the last suggestion. IF she gets into serious trouble with the rent, let the daughter (to whom he does have some loyalty) come and live with you. Sounds like you look after her fairly often in any case.
Keep strong, remind your OH that YOU AND HIS DAUGHTER are the people he owes loyalty to, NOT HER. She has absolutely no claim on his time, effort, affection OR MONEY! so he should leave her to sort out her own mess.
It is such a difficult situation and I do feel for you both, we have friends who were in a similar position, they got through it but it was a rocky road, the ex-wife was a complete dragon and made their life a misery! And a word of warning, the oldest daughter (who is now in her 20’s) has just racked up £13k of debt and guess who is paying it off!
Love to you both and I hope he makes the right decision for the two of you and not the old bag!
CM - you’re ace as always
What is so irritating is that it’s all her own doing, she gets herself in these positions and it’s NOTHING TO DO WITH US.
I’ve kind of said that to him before about his loyalty is to me and his daughter. He says that what happens with his Ex affects his daughter that’s the problem, but as I’ve said, she’s never going to learn anyway so why rescue her.
Also, his daughter will in time see her for what she is, but at the moment at 12, despite seeing things she doesn’t like, she’ll defend her Mum to the hilt and I feel very angry as does OH that his ex gets all the adoration and we don’t, though we’ve been better “parent” figures in respect of acting like adults, but then I guess we’re boring.
The worry is that his daughter sees this attitude off her Mum and is starting to replicate it.
Ah, it’s hard being a step parent, always in the middle.
THe amount of times where I’ve had his EX telling me that I’m nothing to do with anything and I’ve had to point out that when it comes to buying stuff, paying for things, sorting things out, looking after her, picking her up, dropping her off THEN I’m a stepparent, but when it comes to having an opinion I’m not allowed.
Perhaps change the thread title to “Sorry I need a BIG Rant”! LOL.
Carry on, unload, it seems to be making you feel a bit better that there are other people out there who understand, even if they can’t do anything practical about it.
Ha ha ha, I was just thinking “little rant” - how’s about a colossal monumental rantfest? Ha ha. Noone has ever affected me more than that bl**dy woman!
DG - Yes, I’ve thought as much about what’ll happen when shes older. It’s hard to have much effect on her when she’s got such a destructive influence around her that she idolises.
We try our best to have a positive impact on her when she’s with us.
Going to be a nightmare isn’t it.
I employ Super-Nanny tactics to speak to his ex, because she is like dealing with a difficult child 
