My sleep doesn’t follow any pattern. I’ve tried preventing my self from kipping off during the day but that had no effect. Yesterday I dropped off twice during the afternoon/evening but had the best night in ages.
The emotions stuff is really worrying me - you say about missing your Mum.I lost both my parents over 20 years ago ( fairly normal ) but as well as losing my husband last year I lost my daughter when she was 18 ( 15 years ago ). A few days ago, when I was lost in Black Canyon, I found myself getting angry with them both posthumously for not being here to support me now - wonder what a shrink would make of that ?
They say HER2 at our unit as well. I guess it might just vary…
Storewoman - i guess it might well be quite common to think about the past more - i know i have been thinking of my childhood more during the last year…
Hiya girlies!
of for chemo in a sec so i thought id just pop by and say hi, and get the drinks in, ill be back l8r!
yeah having chemo to shrink lump to a more appropiate size for removal, but its being stubborn and not listening.
oh well, breeze in the stable, i no good at tying knots so can someone watch out for him pls!
hope your all doing kk today, Red xxx
You are so definitely “Worth It” Sal. 
What time is your appointment tomorrow? I’ll send an extra bundle of positive vibes your way.
See Theresa, that’s what comes of venturing into the secondaries threads! lol! Sounds like you’re on the right wavelength though - live now. It’s what we should all be doing, cancer or not.
Rosie, what’s a lymphoedema risk bracelet? The hypochondriac in me is jumping up and down going “gimme, gimme, gimme”.
Tumbleweed - a lot of money I would think. I like the name Black Canyon. Can I incorporate it?
Thanks for all your responses to my query so far. It’s really helpful.
Good Luck Red! Stay cool, drink loads. Blackjack’s making sure Breeze is fine. See you in the saloon. :0)
Red - hope it goes well this afternoon, how many more cycles are you due to have…?
Carole - you are meant to wear the bracelet on the side you had the op… it is to stop medical people using that arm for blood pressure readings, bloods, giving drips etc - especially if you are unconcious etc and can’t explain your medical history…
hi girls
Just to say Sal, I think I know how you feel, I didn’t have a lump either, so it was harder to believe anything was wrong, and going through the motions seemed to be for everybody else as well as myself…funny thing that…It still feels a bit surreal, like its happening to someone else…probably because, apart from the obvious, I feel quite well!!!
Good luck for tomorrow Sal…fingers crossed too!
Right…dust myself off,get back on my trusty steed…again! (I’ll make a good rider one day!!), and introduce myself to the beer and grits at the Old ones…yeeha!
Helen (Yorkie)x
Oh, so not to stop lymphodema then, like copper and rheumatism. Oh well, I’ll just have to keep massaging the arm. Thanks Theresa!
Heh, heh, I can feel a trick coming up to be played on Yorkie. Titter. Find all the left over grits and get The Old One to serve them up at dinner tonight. We can pretend to love them and eat them, and insist Yorkie has three helpings 'cos it’s a Storm Rider tradition. Chortle!
Afternoon all. Back from my 2nd lot of rads and much the same as yesturday, no probs, apart from machine tripped out and the mechanics had to come and flick a switch. Apparently its a regular thing. Oh and armpit area is really aching so keep massaging Carole.
Rosie, Sorry your results weren’t what you were hoping for but its good that now they can get on with treating you and we can steer you towards the other side of town.
Red hope all goes well for you today also.
Sal, im not going to be on tomorrow night. I’ve got the x factor tour, to go to but I will be hoping all night that you have had good results and will take a quick peek when I get home. The very best of luck to you.
As for emotions, I think I’m doing a lot better these days, by keeping myself busy. The anti depresants are probably helping too… lol I just keep telling myself… I’m alright now and if and when I’m not, I’ll worry about it then. The nights are a differant story altogether though. I did initially get some sleeping pills but all they did, was make me feel fuzzy through the day. I have found, I can sleep just as long, with a cup of hot chocolate made from milk at bed time. This usually see’s me through untill about 5am, when I wake for the bathroom (otherwise think I would sleep all night)then I tend to sleep very light untill about 7.30 because I can’t switch off from negative thoughts. so I go into melt down most a.m’s if I’m truthful.
My sleep went back pretty much to normal until now, although I did find if I was woken early for any reason (e.g. needing the loo or one of the kids or something) I’d then sometimes lie awake fretting. I went back to bed this morning and sort of dozed for a couple of hours, but now again I feel headachey and tired and the kids will be home in an hour so I can’t go to sleep.
I with you all on the reality front - I still keep thinking this isn’t really happening. With having such a gap between surgery and chemo I went back to feeling well (and everybody kept saying how well I looked) and “normal” so it was easy to convince myself it was all over. Even today - I’ve been out for a pub lunch with a friend (just mineral water for me though!) and it was just like a normal day when we both have a day off work. Although quite what do I expect? For the most part life just is normal, the world hasn’t stopped turning because we got ill so we have to roll along with it for the most part. I’d hate to make my whole life for the next few months be all about having BC and I’m going to try really hard not to do that.
Sal - I’ve made it up with my mum again today. For the most part we do get on well (in small doses though, to be fair) and I do love her and appreciate what she’s doing for me. I think she was stressed herself yesterday and dealing with it by prattling and just not reading my signals that I wanted to be quiet. I’m always like that (my dad was the same) so you’d think she’d get it by now lol! I do know to appreciate her though and mostly we get on quite well - my dad died suddenly on my 30th birthday and I miss him every day.
I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow when you get your results. I hope you’re just going along Jane’s route and will be out the other side of this mess within the next couple of months. Oh HOW I wish!!! I did get cold after surgery, yes, I was sitting under a fleece throw on the sofa for a good while. I’m cold again now the chemo has started.
Angel - you’re a brave girl straying into the secondary threads. I’ve wandered in there before now and given myself sleepless nights. Deal with what is, not what might never be is my philosophy.
Jane - glad the rads are going ok. Each one done is one less to the end. Shame most of the rest of us are going to take so long to get to where you are, so you can be in charge of party planning for when we all make it to the other side!
A lymphodema risk bracelet - I’ve thought about getting some sort of medical id bracelet actually, to say that and also that I have a port that can be used. I know it seems like pre-empting disaster, but IF any of us do end up in an accident or anything we don’t want medics unwittingly doing things with the “wrong” arm. Particularly those of us with left side issues because it’s usually the left side medics go for with taking bloods etc.
Right - I’m off to enjoy the last 40 mins of free time before the hoards descend. Laters 
Just re-read the sub-plot going on about revisiting the past, and realised as it might explain something weird that’s only started happening my op.
I keep having very vivid dreams about people and events from years ago! eg - I was having a good old row with someone at a committe meeting - which actually took place back in 1989. I’m expecting the classic ‘sitting an exam I have not revised for’ to pop up soon.
Perhaps it is a side-effect of the anaesthetics?
Rosie
I hadn’t thought about it, but now I do, yes I’ve been finding myself back in the past. Not so much in dreams - well I’m not sleeping so what dreams could I have, lol - but I’ll be pottering about during the day and a memory will surface, people I haven’t thought about for decades. Very strange.
I’ve had the sitting the exam one, but I was sitting exams last year, so I’m not surprised there.
Results at 9:30am tomorrow Carole, although having been to the clinic so many times already, I know they don’t work to an accurate time frame! I’ve just had a bit of a wobble about it. Funny how the bad guys creep up on you from behind and ambush you unexpectedly. I’ve been pretty confident about the whole thing recently, give or take a few minor thoughts, but now I’m getting nervous. Think I’ll have to take something to help me sleep tonight. I too have massive dark circles Gen, despite getting so much sleep last night. I don’t know why I’m not sleeping at times, as I’m really not worrying about things like I was. I’m just … awake.
I know what you mean about relationships Carole. Personally, I find my Dad really hard work! Maybe I think about mother/daughter relationships with rose tinted glasses, because my Mum’s not been around for so long and my daughter and I are really close.
I think you have it in your mind that if you’ve got cancer, you must be ill. But we’re not. So it does seem unreal. And I’m with you on the too much information is a bad thing, Gen.
Hey hey hey,I’m here,at last,post op and feeling a bit sore and knackered. All i can say is I love the n.h.s., well at the moment…maybe i’m stll a bit delirious. The hospital i was in was lovely and clean,the staff were fantastic and the food was great too,3 courses each lunch and dinner of homecooked yumminess. What made it even better was my fellow bedmates,jumping pre op with paper pants on our heads and not realising we were flashing at the golfers on the course next to the hospital were just a few of the highlights ! Thanks to you all for your messages of support and will get back to you all once I’ve had a big sleep and some homemade chicken soup.Big hugs and positive thoughts to you all.
Sandra x
Hey girls who’s raided the grits bin?never mind you are so welcome I love to give you what you like best so will cook up a big helping for each of you tomorrow:)
The Old Onexx
Hi sandra,
It’s great to hear from you, and sounds like your experience was a pretty ok one…as far as they go…! You seem well on your way to recovery. Don’t try to do too much too soon though!!Hey girl bet you gave those golfers a real thrill!!!
Hey Sal, here are some good vibes for tomorrow,>>>>>>>> know some of what you must be feeling, can only say try and chill tonight if possible.
Hey there Steel, I thought the grits were fantastic, really crunchy and earthy tasting, sorry Old one, think I ate more than my fair share!!!
Helen (Yorkie)x
sandra! welcome home and take it easy…sal - thinking of you tomorrow too…mary x
Good news so far on the rad then Jane. Long may it continue! Have fun tomorrow night.
I think the not sleeping bit for me is a background stress level. I haven’t actually cried properly at all since diagnosis. Yes, 3 or 4 tears rolled down the cheeks a handful of times, yes I have had a couple of really low periods, but I haven’t had meltdown. Which would be fine if I was gaily skipping along going la de da de dah, I haven’t a care in the world about this, everything is peachy. I think my inner me wants to scream and kick and rage, and me out here is saying, Don’t be an idiot, hold it together, it’s not the end of the world. In other words, I haven’t fully accepted this is happening and therefore haven’t fully integrated it into my life perspective so I can just get on with my life, as you were correctly saying we should do Gen. Hmmmm. I think I’m going to take some time the next few days and sit down, stare in the mirror, and try and pull the two parts together. Might not meltdown, but I might bring it into a focus and release the tension. How I wish I could meditate, but I just fall asleep. HEY! Wait a minute, there’s an idea!
I bet you’re quite like your Dad, Sal. Me and my Dad just couldn’t see eye to eye, and with a bit of retrospective perspective I now see it’s because we were actually very alike in a lot of ways, and he couldn’t handle a female version of himself. Nowt as strange as folk!
Excellent progress Sandra! So glad it went well. Rest up, relax, you totally deserve to put your feet up. :0)
Ooooooo, you hit us hard Old One. The Storm Riders laugh and slap Yorkie on the back for an initiation well met! Now she gets to bury the grits bin before the Old One gets to it!
How you doing Martina?
Gen?
Sal, saying it again, good luck for tomorrow. We’ll be with you.
Signing out early to go beat my head with the frying pan till I render my self unconscious. Pleeaase let me sleep.
good luck with the sleeping Carole, i know what you mean bout split personality, really had that last time.
Blackjack, hope Breeze behaved himself, ill pop by and see him in the morn
Sandra, welcome back girl! sounds like you were well looked after.
Hey old one, grandson is so sweet! congrats to all, and hope “mum” is doing well too.
Sal, be thinking of you tommorrow, positive thoughts coming your way
Rosie womble, i have heard bout the anesthetic causing vivid flashbacks, mum and a few others had it, ive never had one so shall look forward to that one hehe
chemo was ok today, but blew up at onc lady :O, just wanted to get in and have my needle put in, really bad veins and stress = 4 tries today, but i got a cuppa and bikkie! not feeling so stressed as i know what to expect i suppose and nowhere near as bad as last time, so doing good so far!
lump hasnt changed at all and onc blames me smoking. im trying to quit!!! cant take any meds that arnt english and buyable in a pharmacy so lingzhi capsules are out 
bum. so gonna pop to doc and annoy him for patches tomorow, dont think OH deserves lack of nicotine Nik as well as chemo Nik!!!
hehe, chins well and truly up, gaffa tape is brill!!!
water is the tipple of the day, oh and having cuppa as Cyclophoshmide (apologies for spelling!) went in, things dont taste of dishwater so i can eat chocolate!!! YEAH!!!
hope your all doing kk, thanks guys! Nikki xxx
The frying pan worked. I’m keeping that next to my bed for the duration.
Oooh, Colin Farrell. Just thought I’d throw that in to start the day. Delicious dreaming. Love that frying pan.
Hold the Zen moment Sal.
Lol. I think we named you well Nicky! Glad the chemo went ok in the end. Keep trying with that smoking thing. Leaving it in the desert is definitely a good thing to do, although I reckon the taz in you might get a little more ornery than usual for a while!
Morning…
Sal - fingers crossed for you today. {{{HUGS}}}
Red - glad that getting the needle in yesterday wasn’t so bad - good luck with the smoking.
Carole - good to hear that you managed to get some sleep. I am the same i still havn’t cried properly, as i mentioned before i discovered the problem with the breast the day before my mums’s funeral. The weird thing is i still havn’t cried for my mum either… At the time i was in shock when she died (even though she had been ill the previous week or so) and at the time was being “strong” as i didn’t want to cry in front of my son. I even told myself at the time i could cry when i went back to the midlands for the funeral. In the event i got off the train, had a shower, discovered my breast and went into surreal mode over that.
So i still havn’t cried for mum or me… The weird thing is when my dad died in 1990 i cried buckets, when my aunt died only 5 months before mum i cried buckets and usually i am the sort of soppy idiot who cried at sad commercials… But now i just never cry…