I met my boyfriend shortly after my first BC diagnosis in 2022. He stood by me through my second (and more serious) diagnosis and was with me through surgery, chemo and lots of complications. I’m still on Herceptin treatment for another 6 months and due to start hormone treatment very soon.
My boyfriend is in the army. He was recently promoted and has been moved nearly 2 hours away. Because of the move, and his work being all encompassing recently I haven’t seen him for 7 weeks. We had a big chat last night and decided it wasn’t going to work.
To add to it, I’m self employed and while I worked throughout my treatment, my industry is suffering and I just can’t find contracts to take on. As soon as I felt able after treatment I’ve been applying for contracts and not been successful. I’ve recently started applying for full time jobs (even though I don’t think I’ll cope) but I haven’t got through to interview in any yet. I’ve worked for nearly 30 years and work is really important to me.
In the last year I feel I’ve lost my identity with my cancer treatment, I’ve now lost my purpose with very little work and this week have lost my soul mate.
I’m struggling so much. I’m seeing the cancer counsellor at hospital but it isn’t helping. She can’t magic up a new body, a new job or my partner.
Where can I go from here? It seriously feels like I have no life and no reason to live.
I’m so sorry. Life does tend to chuck a lot of rubbish at us at once doesn’t it.
I don’t have any pearls of wisdom, other than to say life sucks sometimes and to offer you a virtual hub.
I guess we just have to hope that life will get better and to hang on for those better days.
I empathise on the work front. It becomes so much of our identity and over the last few weeks coming to terms with what’s happening with me, I’ve had to let go of it. And that’s been painful. You will find something, I’m sure and hopefully will look back on this point from a place of strength.
And big birthday years always feel a bit like a reset for the next decade -so should, by rights, be good! I was diagnosed a week before my 60th birthday this year, so that felt like a slap in the face - and then some. I have had a crap couple of years and like you, I was looking on it as a chance to plan ahead.
Just be kind to yourself - and maybe speak to your doctor about how you are feeling. I really hope things start to turn around for you before too long. xx
I’m sending you virtual hugs and lots of strength. You are going through such a difficult time, and having more things thrown at you must be so hard for you. I just wanted to let you know that you are stronger than you think, and this is just temporary and things will improve. I had times during my treatment when I felt no one cared and I hit rock bottom. I look back now and see things so differently. . I am sure you already have lots of information on services, but MIND are very good and have a helpline and also talking therapies is really good too. You are not alone xx
Sending you a big hug . Sometimes life throws a ridiculous amount of at you in a short space of time and it can feel totally overwhelming . I had 2 cancer diagnoses in 18 months followed by the diagnosis of an ultra rare disease - you just think “ are you kidding me” don’t you ?? !!
Lots of support here - you are not alone we are a virtual support network .
Re work and money - Macmillan have money and work advisors who may be able to point you in the direction of some additional help and support Self-employment and cancer | Understanding your choices | Macmillan Cancer Support
Thank you. People keep telling me I’m should be proud of what I’ve achieved. But it doesn’t feel like that. It feels pretty pointless when things keep going wrong.
I’ll look at Mind tomorrow. I can’t get an appointment with my GP but I’ll try again and again.
Thank you xx
Thank you for the reply Jill.
I’ve spoken to MacMillan. Because I am continuing to work, albeit only about one day a week, I don’t qualify for any financial help. I’ve just got to keep on trying. If I was to close my business I could qualify but I would feel like that was a backwards step right now. At least one day a week I have something to do. I’m not earning nearly enough but it is something. Thank you for your support and advice. I’ll definitely be sticking around xx
So sorry that you are going through so much all at once if I was you I think I would be hiding under my duvet . It sounds like you have had a pretty horrible time with the breast cancer let alone any of the other stuff . I hope that the counseling will help you to process all of that - it takes some getting your head around. It’s obviously going to take time for you to come to terms with losing your boyfriend and that will have knocked you back psychologically . There was a point in my life when I felt like I didn’t have time to recover from one disaster before another one happened like a boxer that just keeps taking punches to the head . Counselling helped me but it wasn’t an instant fix - I think the suggestions from the other responders are worth trying - it sounds like you may need more help than you are currently receiving . Sometimes you have to resign yourself to knowing that just now it’s absolutely crap but that things will get better in time .
I’m lucky in that I’ve done mindfulness and Yoga for some time and both have helped me I also love cold water swimming which does give me a bit of a high but I know that not everyone can do it or wants to .
I would have suggested speaking to MacMillan re finances but I see you’ve tried that.
I do understand how you feel re work and your identity , as well as the financial considerations I’ve had 2 spells of long term sickness in 3 years and it affected my self - esteem .I’ve realized that when you are feeling lost it helps to have a routine and I’m wondering if while your business is slow you might be able to do some voluntary work a couple of hours a week ? The first spell of my long term sickness was due to a problem with my eyesight and I thought at one point I wasn’t going to be able to go back to my job as an NHS Nurse and was considering volunteering at our local sight loss centre .
Sending love xx
I cant offer any words of wisdom or make this pain go away, but i just wanted to reach out and say, you arent alone. Your life is worth living and you will get through this battle and come out the other side. Unfortunately the toughest of soliders seem to get the biggest battles.
I completely sympathise with you on the job front. I feel like im turning inside out with boredom most days due to not working. Giving up work was the hardest part of this journey for me as I knew how much it would impact my mental health. Have you thought about volunteering if you can? Ive looked into it and waiting to hear back from a couple of places. If not, find a good box set on TV, start a new hobby to keep your mind busy or try a new skill. I used to eye roll when people said these things to me but it does help a lot! Keep reminding yourself that this is just temporary, things will get better and life will move on.
You can always private message me if you want just for a chat, like many others, I am free all the time !
Hi
It seems never-ending doesn’t it but i bet in-between there are moments when there is hope and for now maybe thats enough for now?
You have had so much to cope with and its no wonder youre all at sea
Unpick your worries and anxieties and just focus on one for now
Take up pilates, yoga or dancing or download some mindfulness apps and practice it daily
If money is the biggest mountain brrak it down again and think how you might change that by reaching out to peers , your network, business / breakfast clubs past contracts, linkedin, recruiters and job clubs
Update your CV, ask past contracts for testimonials, share them
Think how you can best market yourself and look for flexibility in whatever you go for next
It might be time for extra or different counselling so talk to MacMillan, your GP, your breast nurse, nurses on here , Maggies, local support group, Mind, samaritans or if you have PMI try them too
Whatever the next day, or week ahead holds know that you are doing it one step at a time and that all your family, friends and us are right here and you’ve got this
It’s all rather pants isn’t it? Actually reaching out on here is a good thing and means you’re not quite in a such a bad place as you thought. That’s because you recognise you’re not ‘you’ at the moment and you’re looking for help to get you back on the right path.
Can you book GP appointments via an app? I found out I can do this with my surgery. It means yet another NHS app. Never simple is it? Life changing! I can get appointments most times I need one.
Maggie’s is another place to consider if you have one near you.
If you feel well enough, always say yes to any invites (so long as they’re legal!). A bit of exercise (even a walk round the block) gets the endomorphs flowing which helps. When you are doing those things, try to solely concentrate on them. Focus like mad on even the mundane. Who’d thought dusting can be facinating! It gets rid of the chatter in your head.
Others have mentioned volunteering. Can you volunteer your skills? That’s what I do. I was in PR and do stuff for a local sports team.
I’ve had to do some of the above recently as my husband died. So I’ve had the what’s the point? What am I meant to do? How am I meant to cope? questions racing round my head. What I’ve suggested works for me - then exercise always did. Big mistake listening to my music on my phone just a week after he passed mind!
Hi, finally worked out how to reply!
Life throws a curve ball at you, & you aren’t sure how/what to catch or just drop it & run. That’s Life unfortunately. As someone new here I’ve noticed it looks like there’s a lot of support for you. Again I would go back to your GP and have a chat
Oh Spanna, this is all complete pants and I am so sorry for you. Very little wisdom to impart, I’m afraid, other than the time-honoured, this too will pass. Because it will. You WILL get through this. I can tell from your email that you are strong and rational and tell things like they are without a hint of self-pity. That takes guts and strength which you clearly have. Carry on with the counselling; I know there’s not a lot they can do on the practical front but it does allow you to get your feelings out.
Life will pick up. Quite apart from cancer I’ve had a basinful of troubles over the past ten years but I can honestly say that I am now happier and more well-adjusted than I’ve ever been. Allow yourself to feel rubbish (who wouldn’t with what you’re coping with?) and just fight on through. There are thousands of people on this website willing you on and routing for you and we don’t even know you.
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I really appreciate it. It’s great to know that you’re all here.
Cancer is not easy and its effects are ongoing. I’ve been back to the one stop today to check out my lunch which I was convinced were harbouring something. All is good and that’s the first bit of good news I’ve had in months. The nurse wasn’t the best - checking my history and saying “you had the mastectomy and tummy tuck, didn’t you?”. No it was mastectomy and diep. In no way was it a tummy tuck. I was astonished at her language.
It’s been a very low time. I’ve suffered depression on and off since I was a teenager, and this period has been up there with the worst of them.
Hopefully with no sinister things going with my lymph, things are on the turn and I’ll be laughing this time next week.
The diagnosis and treatment for Her2 positive breast cancer is itself overwhelming and tough . But the added stresses of work , still recovering and now heartbreak are added stresses , they’d be difficult ti manage ordinarily .
I have really suffered with anxiety and depression I retired a year before my diagnosis , I lost friends of 30 years ( all my fault) and I have felt at times I couldn’t carry on …but I have through support of family and friends, counselling , I started on antidepressants I’m trying to be mindful and I’ve noticed since I have finished my treatment completely I’m slowly starting to feel stronger …. Keep going you have come so far
at you in a short space of time and it can feel totally overwhelming . I had 2 cancer diagnoses in 18 months followed by the diagnosis of an ultra rare disease - you just think “ are you kidding me” don’t you ?? !!
!
makes me ashamed to be a medical professional when I hear stuff like that 
