Sorry if this sounds like a pity-fest. I was diagnosed at 40, 28 years ago with early breast cancer, triple negative. I had a lumpectomy, radiotherapy and chemo and gradually came to terms with it all. It was therefore a massive shock, on my recent 3 yearly mammo, to be told I had a further cancer in the same breast. This time it’s Grade 2 ER+ and HER-.
I had a single mastectomy and axillary exploration but all the lymph nodes had been taken out first time around so nothing to see, I guess. No radiotherapy as that breast had already been irradiated so I have been prescribed Anastrozole, following an ok Dexa scan. No chemo was recommended.
Now everything is healing up and I have had time to think the old anxiety is kicking in. Previously I had my lovely Mum and friends for support but my Mum is long gone and friends are keeping their distance. My husband has just been diagnosed with heart failure and last week, I had to have my beloved cat put to sleep as she had cancer. I really don’t think I can cope with it all and feel quite hopeless. I can’t see anything to look forward too, just more anxiety and loneliness. I know no one has the answers and I should be grateful for having all the years cancer free but just needed to put it all down. I’m tired of putting on a good face. My heart feels broken.
I’m so sorry @countrylady. As a 68 yo myself (diagnosed at 66) and who lost her partner and beloved mother in the space of a few months just 15 months before diagnosis, I can relate to much of your state of mind. I have only had the one cancer diagnosis but, like most of us, live with the fear of a recurrence daily, if only in the back of one’s mind, so have imagined what it would be like. The concatenation of serious, life-changing events does damage the spiritual and emotional wherewithal to deal with trauma. When we’re going through it, practicality and necessity drives us through but once there is nothing to do but think about it, trying to find a reason for it, and meaning to it, but finding there isn’t any, other than random bad luck, is crushing. You need to talk to people who understand and, from a dealing with the cancer diagnosis is concerned, you could talk to the Breast Cancer Now nurses on 0808 800 6000 or MacMillan/BUPA counseling on 0808 808 0000. Age UK offer telephone support for depression and anxiety for people of our age on 0800 678 1602. I know it can be difficult to proactively call one of these numbers but they do help many hundreds of people on a regular basis. They understand and genuinely want to help. Alternatively I would urge you to see your GP and explain how your feeling and he or she could refer you on to services that can help. Other ladies may have other useful ideas and recommendations and I hope they’ll be along to make them. I look back at the last few years of my life, particularly when I was caring for my mother who lived with dementia, followed by the cancer, I sometimes think I have a mild form of PTSD. If we don’t try to deal with it over this initial period, it can become ingrained and harder to move past. I strongly recommend that you seek out some help.
So sorry to hear…you’re on right platform to expose your problems. There’s help available @Tigress answer was thoroughly detailed. It’s good to talk, it changed my life
I was really annoyed when I got cancer again after 19 years first was grade 1 plus DCIS er+ and Her- second was different type but still ductal this time grade 2 with DCIS too. I also had an intramamary lymph node right next to it which was said to be metastatic ie full of cancer. I had no other lymph nodes in the breast or armpit so they must have disappeared at earlier surgery.
I find the whole thing weird but I had immediate diep surgery to reconstruct a fake breast after mastectomy with one cancer surgeon cutting my breast off while a plastic surgeon worked on my tum to take out a flap of skin with the blood vessels and reconnect these to the ones in the chest area so the new breast could go under the breast skin and look part of me (but with no nipple as nipples have lots of ducts in them which cancer surgeons don’t like)
Yes, it’s a real bummer. After many years, you put it on the back burner and then up it pops…again. You know it’s always a possibility but when it hits in reality…boom.
I didn’t bother with a reconstruction. There was so much scar tissue from the last op, I was a weird shape anyway so I’ve just gone flat on one side. It ain’t pretty but I can live with it, I suppose.
Sending lots of love and a massive hug to you. I’m glad you felt able to come here and let out your feelings. We all live with the possibility of recurrence, the anxiety lessening as the years go by, so completely understand the shock when it becomes real again with a second diagnosis, and the need to vent. You don’t have to put on a brave face here, we get what you’re going through. All the girls before have given sage advice, I just wanted to say I hear you and give you a hug xx
The surgeon used my skin which had been blasted with radiotherapy fifteen sessions in 2004 but had 19 years to recover a bit, or maybe get more wrinkly and old depending on how you look at it. Anyway they used the remaining skin. My original tumour was about half way up my bosom not far from my left armpit so when I had the lump taken out plus some DCIS round it, my nipple moved towards my armpit so I was never that happy with the quadrantectomy as they called it then. I was lured into having the diep by the surgeon who showed me a photo of a great result. I was slim, but still had a tum with enough fat in it to do the op. I thought they were using me as a practice target or maybe they took pity on a 5 ft 8" little old lady (me). It was 8 or 9 hours surgery with a microscope to help rejoin arteries etc. I have a very long scar from hip to hip and a repositioned tummy button that doesn’t really look real any more as it’s been shifted upwards.
Seagulls
Hi lovely, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It must be really hard to deal with everything in your bag at the moment. You have done it once you can do it again!! We are here to chat if you need to rant, sound off or just for a chat. Xx
Yes sounds like a very difficult time indeed for you. If there is a plus side to all this it’s that ER+ breast cancers in us older ones (I was diagnosed aged 60) usually have a good prognosis (at least much better than the triple negative you had as a younger one so many years ago and survived!) Of course it’s not fun to through surgery all over again and make decisions about reconstruction etc. I also wish you best of luck with anastrazole. I’m lucky enough to tolerate Letrozole well and feel safe as long as I’m on it (my prescription is for 7 years).
Hello @countrylady, I just wanted to tell you that I empathise entirely. I was first diagnosed in 2005 aged just 45. My daughters were 14 and 9. Had lumpectomy, radiotherapy and 2 years Zoladex plus tam. V difficult hitting a forced menopause at 100mph and the anxiety of it all.
17 years later in 2022 I was diagnosed with another ER+ tumour in the same breast. Mastectomy, no rads like you and sentinel node had micromets but no further clearance…Had 9 removed in 2005. When I was diagnosed it was 3 months after my mums death and a week before my much loved uncle’s. I think your reaction is perfectly normal. What luck, eh? At least we’ve been through menopause now so the hormonal treatments aren’t as brutal but it’s still very difficult. Well, you’re not alone and Im sendinv a big hug xx
Dear Countrylady,
We have all been there and now we are here for you, with some excellent advice from our lovely ladies on this site I don’t feel there is anymore to add, except the biggest hug.
Wishing you health and happiness ahead.
Love Tili 
Thank you all for your kind messages. It helps to feel not quite so alone.
Country lady you’re definitely not alone, keep talking or ranting whatever gets you through the day , we are all sadly in a club no one wants to be a member, but remember we are warriors and we carry on regardless 
be kind to yourself, I’ve recently had counselling which is unheard of for me but it helped massively, the lady taught me meditation and mindfulness, I can honestly say it’s been lifesaving my life’s been incredibly stressful I could write a book (counselling said) but we are here and we fight on,
One foot in front of the other each day , I spoke to my surgeon and told him from diagnosis to appointments then treatment plan after discharge your told your fine go live your life , that’s the problem right there because there is a void and your mental health is affected to the point of ptsd , we have to find our new normal which is bloody devastating when your brain is feeling overwhelmed with life we are strong and we find a way it’s what we do so my lovely I send you lots of love hugs and very positive energy take care and please keep talking love Nikk’s xx
Your anxiety and feelings are completely understandable., as you know. Have you access to a counsellor? I tried it and although it can’t change what’s happening to you it could help you to cope. I found the sessions very helpful. It was a chance to be distressed and rage at a permitted time. It sounds as though your friends are perhaps unsure what to say or how to help. They might be afraid of saying the wrong thing so say nothing. I hope you get some relief soon.
@countrylady Hi 
sorry to see you are struggling and your not wrong to feel anxious and lonely as your the one walking through this maze. The good thing is you reached out I think all the ladies on this forum are amazing and so are you. I was diagnosed with DCIS in Octiber 2022 and eventually a masectomy in May 2023. I went through a turbulent 5 months from September 2023 to January 2024. I couldn’t sleep, my husband helped me to get washed and dressed. Thank God i am doing well now started a Knitter Knatter group at my local church. Just as you did before and went through it, you can do it again. There is a fight in you as all women on this forum. Im praying that you will find that inner strength to keep pressing ahead and enjoy your life. Try going to something you love to do, or try something new. You will be surprised how good it will make you feel. Sending hugs 
your way.
I had 19 years between my first and second diagnoses and my mum is still alive at 96 but she has dementia, heart pacemaker, new titanium hip after breaking the old one in 2022 (after my mastectomy/diep op) and is now on end of life care which seems to involve regular paracetamol and leaving the person alone most of the day. I go and visit and catch them out and tell them to give her some water and get her up and in the lounge. It’s £1670 a week but she’s got plenty of money fortunately…
Seagulls
Hello
I’m not sure how helpful I can be, but I have just retired as a rural vicar and as such have spent a lot of time sitting with people who are feeling hopeless and that life is pointless.
Often when I see the same people some time later, although they are still in the same place (physically) they have experienced kindness, support or friendship from, maybe, unexpected people or places and they have started to feel a glimmer of hope.
In my experience, hope is one of the greatest gifts we can receive.
I rang my brother this morning - he’s been diagnosed with dementia and must have threatened suicide a few months ago as the police broke in to his house and he’s had to have a new front door to replace it.
He was in a very good mood. He’d washed all his clothes - about a hundred items he thought, had put them to dry on his radiators all round the house and was very happy apart from not finding a walking group which he could get to without walking for miles…So he cheered me up a lot even though I worry about him too as he has no one except paid carers to look after him in London
Seagulls
I’m so sorry Seagulls. It’s hard not to worry about our family. I’m glad your brother is feeling a little better today. I have a friend with dementia and every day seems different.
Thank you all once again for your kind replies and support. It feels better knowing you aren’t alone or weird for having these feelings. I’ve tried to take a few positive steps. Although we don’t really feel like it we’ve booked a couple of days by the sea for a change of scene. I’ve also self referred to Macmillan next steps and hope to see someone shortly. Thank you again and best wishes to all of you going through tough times.