This is hard

Im new to here…but i really needed to talk to someone who wouldnt judge me for who and what i am, ive been with my partner for over a year now…however nobody knows, it has had to be a secret for all this time because of her family(kids)and ive been the ‘best friend’ and its been really hard, she got diagnosed with breast cancer in august and ive been with her for every single appointment she has ever had, im just considered as a good friend, however she is lying in hospital at the moment because she has got fluid on her lungs and everything and is on oxygen and the signs dont look very good because they have said that its not curable, i dont know if everyone who has their lungs drained need oxygen? i have so many questions but dont know how to ask them, im lost because im so scared of losing her because we are so close and yet nobody will understand how much i love her, im scared of wanting to ring and txt her when she has passed away but i wont get a reply, i dont know how to deal with any of this i really am struggling, we wanted to spend one more night together and we was going to but we cant now as she is in hospital…i dont think i will ever get that chance back and im completly broken hearted, what am i supposed to do? how do i cope??

Oh bubblez, i really feel for you and your partner. I don’t have any answers about how best to deal with the family issues, or about the cancer, but i will try and find someone on the site who knows more about secondary cancer and how treatment in the lungs goes, and i am positive that some of the ladies who have experience of dealing with the medical profession and family issues for lesbians will come on real soon and help you. But sending you lots and lots of hugs and support.


Hi bubblez,

You’ve come to the right place for some support, and I’m sure users will be along shortly to give you that support.

Could I suggest that you give the helpline here a ring and talk to one of the staff, they’re here to support both you and your partner at this time. The helpline is open again tomorrow at 9am (M-F 9-5 and Sat 9-2). Calls are free, 0808 800 6000.

I hope this helps. Take care
Jo, Facilitator

Bubblez I’m so sorry that you and your partner are in this horrible position. It’s really impossible to know what will happen without input from your partner’s doctors, but I do know that there are posters here who have had fluid on their lungs, and required drainage and oxygen, but have recovered enough to go home and fight another day. I hope one of them will be along shortly.

With the family issues, wouldn’t you be able to visit and sit with your partner as her “best friend”, or do you have to avoid her family altogether? I do hope you can spend some time together.

finty xx

Thankyou so much for your replies already, im glad i can just talk on here without feeling bad, i do sit with her as a friend, but thats all i will ever be, her family are lovely and are really nice to me, but because im a ‘friend’ i just have to pretend all the time, i just dont know how to deal with the fact that she will be gone and i wont have that company anymore, i cant even txt her in hospital to say i love her because if something happens then the family will get her phone and i know it wont be her wishes for them to know, its never been because she is embarrassed of me that we havent told anyone its purely because she thinks so much of her children and doesnt want to hurt them, and from the beginning its being ok, i just really am struggling to come to terms with everything :frowning:

Bubblez, no real advice but am sending a huge hug to you & please remember that however poorly & even when not said, your partner knows & will always know just how very much you love her :slight_smile: xxx

I hope so xx im scared she will forget, wish i could take it from her, nobody deserves to go through any of this horrible disease :frowning:

Hi bubblez, so sorry to hear about your partner being poorly, and how difficult a time you are having at the moment.

It is hard to choose the ‘right time’ to tell your family about your sexuality, let alone at this time.It just doesnt seem an option at all from what you said in your post.

How old are your partners children, I am only asking this because you know they may well already have some idea about you being a bit more than just their moms good friend, I may be wrong but older children, teenagers and young adults these days nearly always know a bit more that they let on they, dont you think?

As for your own feelings, well that is an almost impossible thing to deal with especially with all the secrecy going on, I think from what you have said, you need to be very strong, and try to be positive, you have to be her rock at the moment, I know that isnt of any help to you, but you have to do the right thing by her at the moment.

Do you have anyone i.e. family, or other friends you can confide in about this?

I dont know whether anything I have said is of any help to you, I
hope you can get some comfort and peace of mind for yourself from somewhere, we all need someone, what you need to remember are the happy times you have had together, and hold them dear to your heart, and give a thought that you arent really alone in all of this, there is always someone, somewhere out there experiencing this type of situation.

Keep talking about it if it helps post on here and have a rant, cry, laugh and anything else it takes to keep you sane.

Sending you a much deserved hug, be there for her. She wont ever forget.

Liz xxxxxxx

Bubblez, so so sorry to hear your really difficult situation - I wonder how your partner is this afternoon. There is SO much to say - my partner is a lesbian Onc working in a department with plenty of lesbian nurses so maybe that is also true where your partner is in hosp - and maybe if you spoke to just one person there they would understand and help you?
I am terribly terribly sorry to say that I don;t have time to write the long and detalied post I’d like to for you know -( my partner’s mum’s b’day today) but hope its enough to say that I really hope you know you are not alone - I shall be on tomorrow morning first thing and will post more - but also PM me if you like …hang in girl,
very best wishes Nicola

I’m so sorry you are in such a horrible situation. I have had lung secondaries for 4 years, and although have not had fluid drained, have needed oxygen as I recovered from surgery. It is very common to need it whilst you are in hospital after a procedure. I know the doctors have said that your partners cancer isn’t curable but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not treatable. I hope you can get some more answers from her team so that at least you know what you are dealing with.
I will be thinking about you and send my love,

Thankyou everyone xx her children are 19 14 and 13, just wish i could express how much she means to me infront of everyone, only one of my friends know and he lives in belgium, i just feel all numb inside and know that at some point i will be kicked out for the family which is understandable, ive seen her tonight and her breathing is much better, however she is on a morphine drip so is out of it, morphine drips arent a good sign are they? I miss her so much already not having txts and phonecalls and the only thing that keeps me going is the fact i will see her in hospital tomorrow but one day that wont be the case :frowning: im sorry to here about your lung secondaries :frowning: how do you cope? Thanks everyone for sparing their time xxx

Hi Bubblez, I bumped up some threads for you on lung secondaries and fluid (pleural effusion) in the hope that they might give you some answers. Sorry that you find yourself feeling so alone but good that a chance that you can see your OH tomorrow. Thinking about you x

Morning bubblez, hope your partner had a restful night. You are in a such tricky place cos of your need to respect your partner’s decision not to come out and yet you need some help and support as her OH. I’m still wondering if its posssible for you to make the real situation clear to one of the nurses (asking for it to be kept secret from anyone outside the health profession)- you will then be given more respect/care etc and yet you won’t breach your partner’s confidentiality to her family.
The other thing that comes to mind is - is it impossible to spend some time together alone - again the nurses could maybe help. Many years ago I used to work with young lads who had AIDS and we used to try to let the partners in for time alone without the mums and dads…nurses are very adept at dealing with all sorts of family dynamics.
But none of this helps with your grief. I am so sorry that you will be feeling it, and the reality is, it is harder when its an unacknowledgged relationship. Apart from your friend in Belgium is there someone else you can tell, or can you get professional help - maybe try asking the helpline about grief counselling near where you live? we also have a lesbian helpline where I live so perhaps you have similar?
wishing you lots of good wishes, Nicola

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Thanks for your messages, got told today she has got days to live, my heart is broken i want to go with her, i need her in my life she was the only thing that kept me going, i feel so low right now, this isnt fair

oh bubblez, it isnt fair your right,

be there for her its all you can do, you will get through this, you have to, be strong, try to find someone you can talk to, anyone, you need to voice to someone how you are feeling.

I will be thinking of you both…

Sending you much love, Liz.

Bubblez, I can’t say anything that will help, but please know that my thoughts are with you and your partner at this horrible time. I hope you can both have a bit of time together.


Bubblez, so sorry to hear your news - I guess its what you dreaded but hadn’t quite been told yet eh? I hope you can find some time, even a tiny bit of time to say goodbye to your partner alone. And if you can, have a think about who is going to be there for you after she has died, those first few days, maybe it would be good to have someone along side you?
thinking of you, Nicola

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I had quite a bit of time alone with her today, i kinda said bye, but im so not ready to let her go, the thought of her not being here makes me feel sick, i cant carry on without her and i really dont want too, she said our phrase to me today ‘always and forever’ how i wish this was true, i really cant do this :cry: