I know, my BCN said it was ‘like a bereavement’ you are having to mourn the you that you used to be, if that makes sense. I think that your ‘post cancer shock’ sums it up too. People don’t realise the toll it takes on you emotionally and mentally. You spend so much time and effort being normal and trying to protect everyone else and it sometimes too hard to do. Actually, I hadn’t realised how much of a toll it was taking on me either!
Lots of cyber hugs to you, take care of yourself and get those teenagers to make you a cup of tea. Mine have all left home so it is just the tow of us until uni holidays, then I open my laundry again!
Do look after yourself and give yourself a break.
Best wishes x
Hi all
It’s been interesting following this thread. My next hurdle is going to be returning to work after 5 1/2 months off, and from what you all have said, insensitive comments are likely to be the biggest problem with that. I can imagine the “subtle” sideways looks, i.e. has she had a breast removed, but heaven knows what else will come my way. Input from those who have been through the return to work process would be very welcome.
Sarah x
The comment about it being like a bereavement and mourning for your former life is so true. I guess all this posting on here is helping us to get to the ‘acceptance’ stage when we feel we are ok with the new life. I’m not there yet mind you. It sounds like we’re all in the ‘post cancer shock’ state (great term) and trying to work it all out.
I tentatively went along to my local bc support group last week, feeling a bit of a fraud with my 2 breasts and my own hair, but they were warm and lovely and welcoming. Miscally, xwelcomex and Sarah it might help you too - especially xwelcomex as you sound isolated both physically and personally at the moment. Is your OH back soon? I don’t know about you, but when my ex OH was away for a long time (years ago now)I really missed being touched and hugged. A support group might help you find people who will give a real, not cyber, hug if you need one. The group I went to also have an aromatherapy massage therapist there every month and anyone can have a short (15 mins ish) massage. I had one and it was lovely even though I had to lie on my side as my breast is still too sore for me to lie on my tum. Xwelcomex it sounds like you need some gentle affection showing to you - and a bc support group might help. I’d give you a hug if I could!
Another thing that has helped me to start regaining some sense of control over my body and my life is to change what I eat. I am at the very top of the ‘overweight’ BMI for my height so am keen to lose weight, but more importantly to give my body the best chance to get back energy and resilience, and the bc the least chance of returning. I’ve started reading up on what’s good to eat or avoid for cancer patients (a minefield of a subject!) and am eating even more healthily than I was. It is one way of helping me to get through this - it might help some of you too? And it’s good to know that a glass of red wine is actually good for you!
I think you should go making dramatic changes if you have an opportunity to. Put you and your health and happiness first ( a bit of a change as a mum, I know - mine are 25 and 26) and see what you really feel like doing.
Miscally - good luck with the tablets. You may not get any or only mild side effects. It’s not letting people down, it’s part of trying different ways to heal yourself.
Sarah - can you go back to work on a phased return? (You must!) I started back 2 weeks ago and will be doing less hours up to the Christmas holiday, I have weekly review with my Head, and also reduced workload. From January I will be expected to work full time hours and a ‘normal’ workload, which I feel I will be able to manage. It’s important that you and your manager and HR negotiate a return to work that you feel is right for you. I’ve not had any negative comments or sideways looks but I have had lots of positive comments; ‘How lovely to see you back’, ‘We missed you’ and that sort of thing. I even got flowers and a card from one of my schools! So it might not be so bad.
Good luck everyone and thank as ever for your support.
Susie.
xx
Thanks for the link. Lots of interesting reading there!
It’s a shame there are no support groups near you. Do keep coming on here for a moan.
Went out yesterday for a walk with friends which was lovely, and in the evening tried a bit of dancing which was fun. Today I’m feeling very flat. Must have overdone it I suppose. It’s frustrating that enjoyable things are tiring. I’ll have to take up knitting or cross stitch I think, but they won’t help with getting a healthy body!
Let us know what you do at the Penny Brohn centre and how you get on won’t you?
Take care,
Susie.
xx
Hi ladies,
I hope you don’t mind me posting but i have just read all of your posts… I am probably a year ahead of you all. I was diagnosed in June 09, had a quadrandectomy 3/11 lymph nodes affected. Had chemo Sept & rads in February.
I was able to work througout my treatment, my employers were fantastic, they allowed me to halve my hours & work flexi time. My job is quite demanding and i believed this helped me keep my sanity at the time as I didnt ever have the chance to think of myself whilst at work which was wonderful. However, last Xmas I hit an all time low & went to the Dr’s as I felt i was in a big black hole, he prescribed me Citalopram a mild anti-depressant.
I ust wanted to say to all of you wonderful ladies,things will improve for you all in time, as each month passes it does become easier. I made the decision to be as positive as I could, I may only live for the next 2 years but then again I could live another 42, but what I do know is that I am going to savour every single moment of every single day and I can honestly tell you all that life has never been so good. Of course it’s never going to be the same as before diagnosis but we can make it better and richer in other ways.
This site is absolutely fantastic, having each other is the best tonic ever as we can all totally understand what each other is going through.
I so wanted to reassure you all as other women reassured me in my time of need; and no doubt, in time you will also do the same for others.
I promise you things will get better in time!
Big hugs & good health to all of you wonderful ladies.
Stella X
PS I’m sorry if this comes across in a negative way at all.
This is a great thread, so positive and supportive. Thank you everyone.
I am taking the tablets and generally just feel a little disconnected and nauseous at times but so far so good.
One day at a time and we will get through this, my last rads today!
Best wishes to you all x
HI
so glad i found this post, i thought i was insane!!! I saw the specialist on Thurs and he has discharged me until March… I cried all the way home from the hospital much to my OH utter amazement. I tried to explain that it must be relief, happiness and worry (that im out on my own) all mixed up in one but to be honest I couldnt explain it myself!! so pleased that im “normal!!”
Hi Sussexgirl and all
I too am an SEN teacher. I am an advisory teacher and visit lots of schools in Sussex. I stil find that I am very tired and as you say, much more emotional than I was before. The team I work with are going through a reorganisation in our education authority and applying for our own jobs, with interviews soon. We find out if we have a job or are redundant the last week of term which is the week before Christmas! Great timing!
I think we all need to be kind to ourselves, I am only just accepting that I need to pace myself and not rush around so much. It is so nice to hear that others feel the same, I expected to just ‘get over it’ and carry on as before and was hugely surprised when I struggled.
Happiness to all
Jackie
Thanks stellam for your positive comments. It’s good to hear from someone further down the line and know that it will all get better.
Jackie - your work situation sounds horribly stressful. Have you finished treatment or is it still continuing? I’m in East Sussex and we’ve heard what’s happening ‘over the border’. Very best of luck with it all - the timing is a bit poor for you to say the least. You sound as if you’re at a similar stage to me in terms of accepting we have to pace ourselves and not rush around. Do take care.
To everyone - best of luck with the next part of treatment and recovery. I love coming on here and reading all your comments and all the sharing of feelings and experiences - it’s such a supportive group, thanks.
Take care
Susie x
hello again ladies, i am so glad i started this thread, i really did think i was alone and and slowly going mad, well i thought i would update you on my progress. i have been on my new medication Aromasin for 5 weeks now, and whoop whoop the constant bursting in to tears has eased… not stopped completeley but its much better, i have started back to work on a phased return, just doing 2 mornings a week and i will be reviewed again after christmas. its a bit of normality away from the hell of the BC diagnosis and all the treatment. my tiredness is still pretty lousy .but now when i feel washed out i go 2 bed and sleep it off. instad of trying to be wonder woman,i no longer care if the washing gets done or the windows get cleaned…looking at it logically i can always do it tomorrow. and there is always the chippy if i dont feel like cooking, i have not put on any more weight thank goodness ,but i have not lost any either… that no longer upsets me like it did, i have packed away all the things that i kept trying 2 squeeze into whats the point of getting upset over it… they dont fit stop trying… so they are all neatley packed away with my BC box. the BC box containes every letter appointment card, leaflet. totally everything i have recieved since my diagnosis, i even kept every car parking ticket i had when i was going for my rads. i felt i needed to put it all in a box to store away safely, just so i can take everything out and look at then when i am sad and feeling sorry for myself…when i look at the contents of the box i realise, just how lucky i am …i faced the demon, it took its toll on me both physically and mentally. totally wiped the floor with me. but as a good friend said… i have knocked the wall down i just need to clear the rubble… and ladies with my shovel in my hand i am doing just that … thank you all again for all your support xxx
can I bump this up please, finished rads 2 months ago, wake up feeling tired, painful joints (especially elbow, wrists, neck, lower back, ankles), breathlessness, sore gums (and need 2 fillings now), low appetite, feel out of control/in limbo land as mammogram not due until next summer, which seems forever.
Is anyone else experiencing side effects after rads?
Have had blood tests to rule out anything else but have come back clear, so what is wrong with me???
Also, can anyone recommend supplements/pain relief for the joint pain.
I am definitely going back to GP in the New Year, she has been very good and mentioned Counselling and possibly anti-depressants but feel such a fraud as I only had 2 lumpectomies and rads so should count myself lucky!
Any posts would be appreciated
Lorraine xxx
Hi Lorraine
Don’t ever feel a fraud, you’ve been through a terrible shock - both to your physical and mental well being. It must be doubly difficult at the moment with the pressure to be ‘happy at xmas’.
This is the most difficult time of your treatment, and things will improve. I felt completely lost a few months ago, and couldn’t stop crying for weeks - the lovely ladies on here were a great help to me then & will be to you too.
I got through it with the help of a counsellor, who was great, & the helpline on the forum is great too - they don’t mind if you cry down the phone to them! Don’t be afraid to ask for help
thinking of you
Hello everyone.
This thread is amazing. I feel as if I’m part of a big club of women who are experiencing similar things and helping each other by writing about it and swapping stories. But even though I know I’m not alone, today i feel it. I feel as if I’m the only person in the world who feels as bad as i do, and i know how self-indulgent that sounds too.
Was diagnosed in August with ILC following routine mammogram. Had a WLE in Sept, followed by 3 weeks of rads which ended just over 3 weeks ago. Was started on Tamoxifen but have been taken off it for a while as I had quite a severe reaction. Waiting for this to be reviewed. Prognosis is very good and I am relieved and thankful for this, but at the moment I feel terrible. And even though this is apparently “normal” it’s rubbish. Like a lot of you, i never expected it to be this hard.
One of the things that i find most difficult are the ups and downs of my moods and my energy. I guess i expected naively that once treatment was finished i might feel a bit tired, but gradually each day i would feel better, and i didn’t expect to feel anything but relieved. But my energy and moods swing madly within the course of a day, nevermind from one day to the next, my appetite is hit and miss and i’m sleeping badly. I’m so sick of it. One minute i feel anxious, then depressed, and then some of the time ok.
I feel as if I’m doing all the right things, but today none of them are working, which is why i’m banging this message out. I’m trying to be positive, go out for walks and do nice things – but sometimes even the nice things are hard work. I’m swigging Rescue Remedy by the bucketful, dousing myself in lavender oil, having shiatsu and hypnotherapy, listening to relaxation and wellbeing podcasts, taking Beta Blockers and the occasional tranquiliser when things are really bad, and my GP has lined up some CBT sessions for me. But sometimes even the drugs don’t help! I’m considering anti-depressants (some SSRI’s apparently also help with hot flushes which i’m having lots of), but i’m worried that the side effects might make me feel even worse. Everything seems to have a down side.
And I’m angry. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND KICK THE S**T OUT OF SOMETHING. Does/did anyone else feel angry?
I guess i just want to be normal again and get my life back. Has anyone found the “off switch” or the magic pill or potion, cos that’s what I feel I need, cos the rest is such hard work. I can’t remember what i enjoy, I can’t remember what I used to do, or how I used to be. I feel isolated and lonely, even though I’ve got a great partner, friends and support. But we are the ones who have to do this, aren’t we and sometimes it’s hard.
God I’ve gone on, but just couldn’t keep it to myself.
On a practical note, there is so much stuff on the internet like relaxation tapes, guided meditation and the rest. Can anyone recommend any?
And how are you all getting on? Stellam posted a really positive update a year down the line for her, which was good to read. Angiem started the thread back in October – how are things with you now?
Thank you for listening. Denisthemenace.
Hi denisthemenace,
You are definitely not alone in these thoughts and feelings, feel free to ramble on, that’s what this forum is for after all. I think its so hard to move on, you just want someone to say ‘ok, your better now, you’ll never see me again, don’t worry about bc, your cured!’, now wouldn’t that be nice, instead of the constant worry of what if …
I too have a good prognosis, only a 4% chance of recurrance, great, I only had a very small risk of getting bc in the first place, but I did, so I’ll probably worry about every little lump, bump, spot etc…
Can’t help you on the relaxation tapes, my boys would probably drown them out with their ‘tunes’, but I can be a good listener if you need anyone to talk to. Please seek help if you feel you need it, there’s no shame in needing meds to help you feel better.
thinking of you, keep in touch, writing down your thoughts sometime helps
x
Hi denisthemenace,
I know exactly how you feel. I was diagnosed in September, had mastectomy and reconstruction about two weeks later. After my treatment was over it was as if I was hit by this awful wave of emotion and depression. I cried for weeks and felt totally overwhelmed by everything. My consultant and BC nurse were very understanding and GP helped out with referral for counselling. (I saw a Macmillan Nurse - although they are not called that any more- and he was fantastic.) It is now just over 3 months since my surgery and I am starting to feel like myself again, although I still have days when the tears are close to the surface. I often feel as if I am walking along a really narrow precipice and the slightest thing will send me over the edge into tears and emotion. But it is definitely getting better.
I have been prescribed anti-depressants, but I haven’t taken any yet as I don’t like the look of the side effects. But I have made such a lot of progress in the last week or two that I am going to see how I get on without.
You are doing all the right things - relaxation, talking to people, doing things for yourself, having something to look forward to. Do you have a very low-fat diet? It was suggested to me that a very low fat diet is sometimes linked with low mood - so I have tried some full-fat yoghurts etc. I’m prepared to try anything to lift me out of my ‘low mood’. I found some guided meditations on itunes - only about 79p. Well worth a try. I also started writing down my feelings in a diary and that really helped me to focus my thoughts, although at times it was a bit self-pitying and over-emotional!
Just remember what I have been told - that these feelings are completely normal. You have been through a lot and your mind needs time to heal as well as your body. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to recover. You WILL start to enjoy things again and you WILL start to feel more like yourself.
I wish I could wave a magic wand or flick a switch to make you feel better but I know that you will start to feel better in time, however you may feel at the moment. There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how long and dark the tunnel may seem at the moment.
x
Thanks for replies ladies. It helped to get it off my chest and put it out there. Susib, your reply about how things have improved for you gradually was especially good to read. I’m not on a low fat diet, in fact probably a bit too much the other way. And if anyone found and read my diary I would probably be locked up, but it helps me to get it out.
I had a hypnotherapy session this morning, which is usually very calming, but today all i did was cry, as I learned yesterday that a friend’s husband has just died - from cancer, what else!
My hypnotherapy guy reckons I’m trying too hard to try to make myself feel better and I need to let go a bit. His homework is to have a “cancer-free week”. I’ve tried everything else so I’ll give “not trying” a try! Signing off now for the next week.
Thanks again. Denisthemenace.
