Three years ago today

Three years ago today

Three years ago today I was wishing that time would jump forwards so I could be where I am today, rather than where i was three years ago today. I was hoping that in three years, on 6th March 2013, I’d be feeling well, fit, happy and alive. I didn’t think I would be alive. I thought I’d be long gone, having died an agonising death, and not having seen my little boys grow up. Three years ago today, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and my world suddenly froze. I couldn’t envisage ever feeling like myself again, as I felt so different, so apart, so separate and so isolated, and so very far removed from the person in my head, and in my body, and in my heart who I had known so well for the last 36 years. Three years ago today, i learnt that I wasn’t invincible and that bad things could happen to me. I learnt what a panic attack feels like, I learnt a whole bunch of cancer terminology, I learnt that the medical side head tilt usually precedes bad news, and I learnt how to break my mum’s heart without even trying. Three years ago today I met an awesome surgeon who let me fall apart, hopefully saved my life and continues to gently poke fun at my ability to be terrified about the smallest thing whilst simultaneously quoting the most obscure research to prove a point. Three years ago today I realised that my life was now a before and an after, and I started to make plans in my head for my little boys’ futures if i was no longer around to care for them, and it was then, three years ago today, that I realised exactly how important my lovely husband was to me, how much I depended on him and how much I loved him. Three years ago today, I had never  had chemotherapy, or seen myself with no hair, and I didn’t understand that sometimes you could be so terrified and anxious that you just couldn’t physically chew and swallow food. I didn’t yet know the best way to tell people that I’d been diagnosed with primary breast cancer, and I didn’t realise that each time you told someone new you would be forced to deal with their emotion and shock and end up reassuring them, whilst inside you were numb. Three years ago today, I stepped into a totally different world. A world of being a patient, of being ill and dependant. I stepped into a world where I was given a glimpse of what it might be like to be old, of the soul sapping reality of losing your independence and aching all over, with a time clock ticking rapidly towards your final hours. I saw the thin line between life and death, the vulnerability of the lives we build up and how they can be dashed through in a single moment. I was shown the arrogance of believing that you can plan your life and expect things to work out as you had decreed. Today, three years later, I am glad I am not still living in that day, three years ago. I am now where I wanted to be on that day. This is the three years I wanted desperately to pass, and now, three years after that day, I am grateful. I am grateful to be here and well enough to write this. I am grateful to have had a first class medical team who have looked after me. I am grateful to have a fabulous, happy and healthy family, and to have a bunch of great friends. Three years since that day, I have made new friends I have met along the way, who have become an intrinsic thread in the pattern of my daily life. But, I have also lost friends who were not as lucky as I was. And it is for those friends that I am celebrating being here today, three years after that day. When I am raising a glass of something sparkling later today, I will remember all those ladies who didn’t get to mark their ‘three years ago today’ moments, and I will try to live each day well, using the lessons learnt from that day, three years ago today.  But, I will do my best to live those moments  in the vibrancy of this day, three years later, rather than in the shadow of that day, which is in the past, where it belongs, three years ago today. 

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Tors that it is beautiful, breathtaking, honest post. I am about six months ‘behind you’ having been dx on 23 August 2010, and I’m a full eleven years older than you. You capture so much of what I felt and what I experienced, and I am sure will touch many with your words.

I hope that today you and your little ones are able to celebrate life, and looks forward in more confident hope, albeit permanently chastened, as the spring carries the promise of new beginnings.

Thank you so much for sharing.

Hi Tors,
I am six months behind you and am moved by your post xx

Hello Tors, I am really moved by your post. As someone who has just been recently diagnosed I recognise some of those feelings, but you’ve made me feel less alone, less isolated and more hopeful so thank you very very much. I hope you enjoy celebrating with your family and friends and wish you many more anniversaries.

Very poignant, moving words, glass raised to you today ! xx

Tors - such beautiful words … I am crying as I type. Diagnosed December last year and with rads and tabs still to come, I realise I’ve still got a long way to go for my three years. I’m still at the beginning of my journey… taking those baby steps… but I’ll get there eventually.
Bless you for your posting - you’ve touched my heart xxx
Sending celebraTORy :slight_smile: super squishy hugs to you.
Lozza xx

What a lovely post Tors. So true,I couldn’t have put it better myself. I was also diagnosed 3yrs ago in March,just 3weeks after you and looking back I remember thinking that I’d never feel as good as I do now,ever again. I look at past photos that were taken of myself during treatment and I feel so sorry for this very sad, person looking back at me with a vacant look in her eyes. I don’t recognise her as being me and the only good thing to come out of this BC is that I’ve come to realise that I’m a much stronger person than I thought I was and proud of myself for it.
Thank-you for this post and I will raise a glass for you and everyone else tonight,who have reached this milestone.
Franca xxx

Said so honestly and beautifully… it will strike a chord with so many…
Maggie x

Thank you for this beautiful and eloquent post - and congratulations!

Wendy x

Beautiful words which have brought tears rolling down my cheeks , Im 41 , have a 6yr old & was dx in December & your feelings mirror mine , so pleased you have posted this as its lovely to read happy , positive ( hate that word lol ! ) posts , it just gives hope
Thank you Tors & best wishes for the milestones ahead
Karen x

Thank you Tors, from the bottom of my heart
MM xx

Thank you Tors for that beautiful post. I’m another one still at the beginning of this journey into the unknown and you have given me hope.


Thank you for this post Tors. It is a light at the end of the tunnel moment for me right now. I will raise a glass of ginger beer to you!

Tup x

Let’s all hope every lady/ or man on this site can take inspiration from your lovely post I know my wife has thank you.

Hi Tors.
What a beautiful post. You’ve certainly captured the way feel myself felt, 2 years ago TOMORROW!!
I never thought I’d reach 2 years and yet here I am on the eve of that day!!
just waiting for my mammogram results from last week. Fingers crossed?
Heres to many more years to come!!
Much love
Mandy xxxx

Beautiful and heartfelt,you’ve said it as I would like to but don’t have the vocabulary,I am a little way behind you,I was diagnosed Aug 3rd 2010,and so happy to be here today,even with the aching,painful joints,bless you,

Struggling to see through the tears to type. What a beautiful post, so eloquently put. Thank you.

Tors, so so beautifully written and honest. Thank you. x

HI Tors
What a lovely post. I remember you so well from 3 years ago when I was around just having had double Mx, primary stuff etc, and then I went my merry way about 2 years ago thinking cancer was behind me, and I’m back again, getting so much information and support from this forum for my recurrence. We come and go at different times according to whether cancer is number one worry at the top of our minds, or whether it has started to sink as other things take over! Funny old life. Thanks so much…
Maggy x