I have a “friend” I have known for years who said she would be a support to me anytime I needed her. She lives quite far away and we dont see each other often and communicate via email and texts.
On friday I text her asking her if she had had a nice week of work. She sent a huge text back talking about her week off what she had done, how relaxed and chilled she felt etc. Not a single mention of how are you doing. I text back thats nice, I am glad you are feelin relaxed, I am feeling a bit stressed out due to the cancer business. No reply.
On sunday I text her and said are you getting my messages, her reply was yes, but she didnt like the way I had text her expecting for support and when I didnt get it chasing her to give it!!! She also then said I dont know what to say to you, as I am not going through it, but I dont really know what you hope to achieve but putting me under such pressure to give you support!! All I had done was sent a text and would have been quite happy with a “sorry to hear things are not good this week, hope things improve soon”. But she felt that was PRESSURE. I sent her a text back telling her I was sorry to have bothered her and I would let her be.
I am hurt/angry that she could behave that way. My family who have seen the texts said it was cold and heartless and just to ignore her from now on.
Just wondered what others thought about this, and has anyone else encountered that kind of response.
One advantage of cancer is that it really sorts out your true friends!
A couple of friends really behaved differently to how I expected and let me down, other friends really came to the fore and we consolidated relationships.
You don’t need her, IF you have cancer, you need the ones who will pop in with meals, offer to do errands or simply come round and cheer you up. Ditch her and the time-consuming electronic communication.
Oh dear SGL, I hope she never finds herself with a serious condition needing support from her friends…
It is unbeleivable, especially as she had already offered support to you, for her to then run a mile when you needed her. I personally would not waste any more time on her, and would stick to talking to people that really do care.
However, unfortunately there are an awful lot of people out there who simply are unable to face up to cancer when people who are supposed to be close to them are suffering, and this can be taken to extremes - my MIL always refused to have cancer mentioned in the house when FIL had bowel cancer, and she refused to visit him in hospital, pretending nothing had happened when he came home! I don’t think this kind of head in the sand approach would excuse your “friend” though.
Big hugs to you and good luck for your results tomorrow.
Poor you. It’s always under difficult circumstances that you realise who your friends are.
However, I strongly believe that you can file friends under different categories. I have some friends who I rely on for a giggle and a good night out and others I confide in and rely on - but only that fit in both camps!!
I hope you have some other friends who you are able to rely on. I’d concentrate on yourself and forget about her for now.
Thing is - if she ever has to face anything as horrid as this I bet you’ll be there for her like a shot!!!
Unfortunately, I think we’ve all discovered things about some of our friends (and family members too) that has come as a bit of a shock. Sometimes people really DON’T know what to say and how to deal with it in their own heads, so either avoid you completely or ignore any mention of the difficulties you’re going through if they do speak to you. On the other hand, some who you didn’t think of as particularly close or good friends really come up trumps and give you a really good surprise with how helpful and supportive they turn out to be.
Sadly, you seem to have discovered a friend who’s in the first category, and that always comes as a bit of a shock. I bet you can relate times when you’ve helped her out and been someone for her to lean on, but this time she hasn’t returned the favour. That’s the thing about friendships though, they’re not always the same on both sides. I have several friends who I have supported through their personal problems and difficulties but who have just not been there for me when I’ve had problems, but there have been others who have been. I’ve just had to reassess the friendship and accept that if I’m going to keep them as friends, it’ll be a bit one-sided. And that’s fine, I just won’t lean on them as the friendship isn’t strong enough for that. Sad, but that’s how life is. And I have to admit I have (inadvertently) sometimes not been there for friends so I’ve been on the other side of the equation too, which also saddens me - I think that made me sadder, in fact.
I think your family are probably right that it’s not a positive experience being in contact with her at the moment, but that might change in the future. I don’t think the friendship will ever be the “Best Friends Forever” thing that we would like to hope for, but it could still be a friendship of sorts, if you’re ok with that.
Thanks Guys for yor replies, I did start to question myself and wonder if it was infact my fault, and did I infact expect too much.
I am the kinda of friend who will put herself out for others, and be there when and where they need me at any time day or night, but saying that, this has really really tought me a few of lifes lessons, and yes while I will be there as always for people who genuinely deserve it, I will not be there for fair weather friends who have treated me with such coldness and selfish behaviour.
Luckily I have a wonderful hubby, family, amazing sister and alot of brilliant friends who have been amazing, but there are a couple who really have shown there true colours, but there are a couple who I was friends with before, but not close who have stepped up to the mark and been fantastic.
This really is a time when u find at who yr true friends are…She isnt 1…Iv had the same sort of problem i was told i just needed2get on with it and stop talkin about it…Thats y i signed up here…As i dont want 2mention it 2friends as they just dont understand.Xsarahx
I have just sent her this, not sure if it was a good idea or not, but I dont normally say how I feel, but for once felt I wanted too!
“I would prefer if you don’t text me after tommorrows appontment as I really dont need part time friends who think giving support to a friend with cancer is pressure. Your text yesterday was cold and cruel and I certainly did not deserve it. There are some advantages to having cancer, and one is finding out who your true friends are! We both obviously have different ideas on what friendship is”
Not sure if it was the right thing to do sending her that, but boy it feels good to have done it!!
Thanks sarah, I never usually tell people how I fell and end up really wound up inside, but boy it feels great because she knows exactly how much she has upset me. xx
hi everybody
dont give her another thought, i have a ‘friend’ who, whilst i was having my treatment never even picked up the phone to ask me if i was ok or needed anything,
our children go to the same school, and we only live 10 minutes drive away from each other, she doesnt work, and doesnt do much with her time during the day either,
honestly you dont need people who can only think about themselves and how they are feeling.
concentrate on yourself and put all your energy into yourself, dont waste what you may need on someone who simply isnt worth it
lots of love and very best wishes, hope everything turns out well liz xxx
Hi sgl, you were just right. I’m not suffering myself but am finding it really difficult dealing with my mums bc. Had a tough week last week and sent a message to my uni friends letting of steam. The girls live everywhere from Rome to limerick and by god it feels good to have them. One of them who I haven’t spoke to in months drove five hour to meet and spend the weekend with me. Some one tto get drunk and cry with. You don’t always speak to your friends from one month to the next but you certinly find out who they are when your in need xxxx
SGL, I like your style! Being specific, your text was honest and to the point without being insulting or putting her down. There’s no need to sling insults around and you didn’t - dignified, I would say. This whole thing isn’t about scoring points and your message wasn’t trying to, so very well put. So often when someone says something I find I’m at a loss to think of a suitable reply but you seem to have managed it. Well done. I’m glad you feel better for letting her know how you feel, it’s very liberating, isn’t it!