ive been suffering from depression for what must be quite a while really my doc says that this has been the trigger to bring everything to the surface. last year i went through a few months of this when i found a lump, eventually had a lumpectomy which was benign thank god but now my time bomb has started again to haunt me. i feel that its a never ending battle with one thing or another as i had an ectopic pregnancy 3 years ago, (and i was sterilized at age 25) then a lump that took months to sort out, now its happening again. just one thing after another. i feel sad all the time. am i making any sense??? i just cant cope any more, this waiting seems endless and i have to try and sort out my head.
i.m treading water----------------just.
i too close the screen when anyone walks past. i hide my fear from my family as i dont want them to worry about me yet i feel fear from every pore. i have panic attacks, cant sleep, i am irritable, ok one minute, totally down the next. i dont understand myself and am scared of what i feel.
Does your GP know about the panic attacks Mel, I feel I have had good treatment for those and the depression! I am taking an anti depressant and a beta blocker, that means at least I can get out of the house. Maybe your family would rather worry about you than not know how you are feeling xxxxxxx Jilly
hi jilly,
i dont know if my doc knows that i still get panic attacks to be honest, they started last year. i only really now know what they are. i was in denial from my depression for along time until this happened. i am going to see a counselor next week … it just seems far away. everything seems to involve me waiting on something. i am trying to stay inside my tornado, i’m hanging on but its hard coz i feel sometimes that i am letting go. i cant burden people with my feelings, most women here are suffering sooooo much more than me. people usually come to me with their problems, i am usually the strong one.i have a husband and two sons who need me to be there for them. i need to be able to cope with this but its making me feel like i’m falling apart. i’ll probably be ok with no BC but what if???
Be careful with your counsellor Mel. I went to see one on the advice of my employers. Think it works for some people better than others. Mine delved into chilhood memories that I did not feel comfortable with. Only go where you feel comfortable going and you’ll be okay. I’m going to have to go to bed, but I’m here tomorrow. Know what you mean about usually being the strong one, that’s what women are for! You will not fall apart, I promise you. I’ll stick you back together again. Keep in touch, lots of hugs (((((((((((((((Jilly)))))))))))))))))))
thank you for being here for me jilly. xxx
still cant sleep. i feel really crap and scared. having a bad night tonight. help…
Hi Melanie…so sorry to hear that you are suffering so much during the waiting period. Have you called the clinic to see if they can put you down for a cancellation appointment? I think that where the waiting is causing such anxiety they would likely do what they can to try and alleviate the waiting. I do know now, that if I had to go back for another ultrasound/mammogram - I would definitely request one that was one of the first appts. of the day - as appts. prior to 1030 at our hospital seem to be sent down to u/s or mammo, whereas after that time, you need to book another appointment - and be put more in the waiting game like you are at the moment. You say you have to be there for your husband and your kids - but remember, before you can do that, you need to be there for YOU first. Can you discuss your feelings with your husband at all? Sometimes just sharing your fears can help tremendously - mine is aware, and though he hasn’t talked about it other than asking about results etc., he’s been tremendous around the house knowing that I really don’t have the patience right now with kid squabbles (I just about broke down when my 8 yr old yelled ‘I hate you’ at me the other day…) and he takes over. My 8 yr old will often do that during a temper tantrum and then come over with the biggest hugs afterwards, but I can’t stand when it happens normally - let alone when I’m anxious!
Please…for yourself…let him know your concerns if you can - it’s amazing how some of the unsaid words turned into actions that I know OH is doing for me make me feel so much better. It’ll also give you a good reason to get some you time, to go sit and relax or just to cry if you need to.
One thing I’ve always kept in the back of my mind that an old friend used to say…Superwoman is just a fictional character, and anybody thinking she can be her - is just setting themselves up for failure. We’re only human, our shoulders are only so big and we have feelings and we have needs - but if those around us don’t know what they are - it can make it that much harder on us.
Hoping that you’ve finally been able to get to sleep and that today’s a better day.
Hugs…
MommaJake
Hi Melanie, feel bad I abandoned you last night when you coudn’t sleep. Momma jake is right, you need to be there for YOU. I was accused during counselling of never asking for help. I am now. Have learned that my diagnosis isn’t all about me, it is badly affecting the people I love. Don’t keep it all inside, your family will probably feel better for sharing it with you. Never imagined for instance that I could share details with my 75 year old father. What a surprise I got, he’s right with me all the way. Love and hugs, Jilly
Hi Melanie, feeling a bit down myself tonight. Get my results tomorrow re node sampling etc. Am going to take a sleeping tablet and going to bed. Still will always be here for you though, be in touch tomorrow and you take very good care of yourself. ((((((((((((((Jilly)))))))))))))))))))))
Hi Jilly
Good luck for your results. Thinking of you Looby x
i want to say a huge thank you for all your support, i had a hard time last night letting myself get too upset about the possibilities i may face. its all too easy to fall into a black hole of information. i have deliberately NOT went online today so that i wouldn’t look at the internet as it makes me worse. so here i am just back from getting the shopping from Asda!, great way to distract me and tire me out!
i really really hope that your test results are negative Jilly, i will be thinking about you and sending you a big hug tomorrow xxxxxxxxx you made me feel better last night and i was so glad you were there. here i am getting all this support from you and you are going through so much too. i will definitely take your advice on board too about the counselor. i don’t really want to go but i know that I’d be best to at least give it a try. i will be here for you always, i am always up in the wee hours too so if you need to talk Jill I am here for you. xx
Mommajake, i want to give you a big big hug too for all your words of wisdom. i have and do get loads of support from all my family. i can talk to them to an extent about how i feel but i hold back a lot as i don’t want them worrying too much about me. sometimes too i get so depressed about it all that i don’t know myself how i feel. i have had a nice long cuddle though with mu OH, i know exactly what you mean that words themselves are not always necessary xxx
my thoughts are with you too, i have been thinking about you too over the last few days. i know that you are also waiting on your results. all fingers and toes crossed for you xxxxxxx
thank you Looby xx ((((((((((((((((((Mel))))))))))))))))))))
i don’t know what i would have done without this site with all of you amazing ladies out there. the support has been a lifesaver for me and has kept me from really cracking up mentally through all of this turmoil.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((BIG HUGS TO EVERYONE))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
That’s the great thing about sites like this Melanie - when it’s 2 am and you can’t sleep - you just know that there’s someone else on here who can lend an ear and a bit of support. Hubby did ask if I have my results yesterday - so it’s on his mnd too - but otherwise it’s the head in the sand effect as far as words go. Thank goodness actions are different! Hopefully it won’t be long before I have them.
I know what you mean about not wanting to worry the OH…but glad that he is supportive. Some men are just priceless aren’t they? and then there’s ‘ex husbands’…lol
Hope you have a good day today!
MJ xoxo
hi MJ, have you had your results back yet?
i.m trying to stay positive but its always difficult. i feel that i have to say i’,m fine when i,m not. made it through week one, now got another week to wait. my two sons being off on their school holidays helps as they are mostly around so i,m not on my own all day. they know i,m waiting on another test and i don’t want to worry them by sitting crying all day so i hide how i feel from them and close the internet if they walk in the room. OH is at work all day, so is my best friend, i am not at work at the moment as i cannot concentrate and my Doctor has signed me off for a few weeks with depression. night time is hardest for me as they are all asleep and i cant sleep at all.
Hi Mel, you are right, sometimes the early hours are the hardest time, I will definitely be logging in and we can all help each other through this. I don’t know how to feel at the moment. My tumour was grade 3 and in 2 lymph nodes. Going back in for re- excision next week and then starting chemo. The positives I got from the surgeon were good though. I’m glad you don’t have to face work while you are going through this. It must be so hard for you with the boys, but good company I bet. Has your GP prescribed anything to help you sleep? Love and hugs ((((((((((((Jilly)))))))))))))))))
Hi Melanie - no, I keep eagerly awaiting the mail or a phone call - to know one way or another is better than no idea! I did get a call from a lady the other day on my mobile - came up private number - but reception was very bad and we got cut off. So now just awaiting the mail. I have a friend who works in the unit, but of course, can’t ask her - though she would have access to the file! Ethically, it’d be wrong to put her in that position of asking her something I know she can’t do…so we wait! Glad you are enjoying time with the boys - mine are all still in school (3 youngest anyway) and two eldest have gone home to Canada for a visit and back on the 28th. None of the kids know anything about any testing though - middle son lost a friend in school to cancer a couple of years ago - so not going to even mention a thing to them. I don’t even come on here when they are home/awake in case they see the title of it by chance. Filling my days this week making Roman costumes for the three little guys - as they’ve been studying romans in history at school, and are having ‘Roman Day’ on Friday. Pta events tonight and tomorrow night at the high school…and then hubby is off of work for summer hols on Monday as his school breaks up on Friday.
For sleeping Melanie - one thing that I know always helps me nod off - and I have no idea why - think it goes back to pregnancy days - is a lovely fluffy pillow between my knees! Have no idea why, but I find it so much more comfortable and relaxing…I drift off alot better that way.
oh Jill, its so hard to try and pinpoint how you feel when everything just swirls in your head, i,m sorry to hear your results were positive but glad that your doc was encouraging with your treatment. i cant even begin to contemplate how you are feeling right now but what i do know is that we will get you through this. its ok on here to come on and have a rant, let out frustration, and your anxiety. it helps. xxxxxxxxxxxxx sending you a huge big hug and my love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
i don’t know how it’d have coped without it. we can say how we feel here without having to feel guilty about it, freedom to say whats on your mind without worrying our loved ones too much enables us to have a bit of a release. especially me when i find it practically impossible to ask for help and say to anyone how i really feel. i have never in my life felt this way before for this long.
iv’e gave up trying to sleep now as i just cant. maybe once i get my US on Thursday things will be better so i’m concentrating on getting to Thursday.
MJ, i hope you get your results soon and that its good news. as your OH is off on holiday soon get him to spoil you a bit coz u deserve it xxxxxx
i completely understand why you haven’t told your kids whats going on. i didn’t want to have them worrying about me but they were already suspicious coz i’ve been so down lately and they caught sight of this site a few times before i told them. so rather than them worrying about the unknown, i told them a couple of days before i went for my mammogram. they have been great, i know they must be worried though so i try and put a brave face on for their sake.
Hope you are sleeping peacefully Mel, I’m glad you told the boys. The unknown must be worse for them. Think all, including children are stronger than we think, love Jilly
Mel, hope you are okay love. Have taken a valium tonight as I didn’t sleep much last night. May not be up in the wee hours but I’m with you. Just really hoping for a night’s sleep. Take care, love Jilly xxxxx
feeling a bit low this morning, the waiting is driving me mad, i wish that i could just fast forward on my remote to Thursday. we shouldn’t have to wait this long. its detrimental to our health and well being. why is it that in some clinics is all done in one day and yet in others we have to wait weeks!!! its an eternity!