I know this thread is about annoying things people say, however well meaning, but three occasions spring to my mind, two of which were neither well meaning nor annoying, but just genuine, and the third of which was just plain upsetting.
my hair started to regrow while I was still having chemotherapy (Epi-CMF) and, with probably only a 1/4 inch of hair, during mid-summer, I felt comfortable going about without my scarf. A gentleman about the same age as me I was then (late 30s) overtook me and said ‘that hairstyle suits you’. I was a little embarrassed - I thought I’d reached an age where men didn’t show any interest in me any more - but said that it wasn’t by choice. He understood immediately and asked/said ‘Chemo?’ and when I said yes he just said that he was sorry to hear that but said again that the hair still suited me - and then he carried on walking ahead. It was all over in 2 or 3 minutes but its stuck with me 4 years later. It was lovely.
this is perhaps a little more dubious, but still made me grin at the time. I was in my car, with my scarf on and a ‘lad’, again, in his 30s, beeped his horn and when I looked over he beeped again and gave me a really big smile and a wink. It may have been that he thought I was just like him under my scarf - he was bald too - or that someone he knew had been or was going through chemotherapy - but my vanity likes to think that it was also because he thought I looked cool!
I was horrified when I woke up in the ward the next day and the woman opposite me told me that she thought I was over-dramatic when I came back from surgery the evening before, and that she was worried what sort of character she would have to share a ward with - she was also offended that I’d asked my partner to pull the curtains round the bed so that we could have some privacy, as if, in her words, I was ‘the Queen’s mother’. I had been a little upset when I was brought back from surgery - I didn’t expect to be wearing an oxygen mask - you can imagine how my mind was thinking - but I had just come out of a 5 hour operation, to remove several tumours, was unaware of my results and, yes, also wanted a bit of privacy to shed a few tears (for the family I was unlikely to ever be able to have, the fear of the cancer returning and dying before I even reached my 40th birthday).
Gosh, this was all over 3 years ago - you’d think I would have let go by now! Sadly, I’ve had a recurrence, so I shall be interested to hear what people say to me along the way this time!
Naz - I still remember something over 3 years ago that was probably the one time someone offended me.
I was sitting in the bank where I used to work waiting for a friend who still worked there. My hair was a couple of inches long and loads of people said it actually suited me (it used to be a mass of curls and quite long) but this old man sitting next to me said ‘Who’s cut your hair? It’s a bit short isn’t it?’. His wife appeared at that point and half-recognised me just as I was saying that I was very pleased with the length of it as I’d had chemo, lost it all and this was the regrowth.
Actually, I lie about the one time. When we discussing me not being able to get travel insurance just after my main treatment and because I have bone secondaries, my sis-in-law said she was surprised she could get insurance because she has asthma, which is far more serious than cancer - at least cancer can be cured. She used to work with drugs in a chemists too.
I have a good one. When I was in hospital in April following delayed bi-lat reconstruction, a work coleague made a very stupid remark. I was having a hard time because I was in a lot of pain, and the emotional side hit me very hard. I was feeling very sad and upset at what cancer had done to me.
I was posting on facebook (on my mobile) about how low I was feeling and how hard the op had been. Most of my friends were great and posted replies that were kind and considerate. This particular work mate stated that she was sorry it was so hard for me, and went on to say that it’s amazing that some people actually pay money to have what I’d had done. OMG if she’d been in the room I would have wanted to slap her! As if having reconstruction is anything like having a boob job!
a few people have commented to me that my hair will grow back in much better condition, are they trying to tell me that its in bad condition at the moment??
hows this one then … not sure it was even a well meaning remark…
I have a girl friend( well I thought she was) who I supported through a traumatic divorce in 2004. We have been on holiday together several times in the last few years.
Last week she suggested we go to Egypt on holiday next April- but here`s the punch: She thinks we should book a single place each on the trip in case I get a recurrence in the next few months.She doesn’t want her holiday plans to be upset!
Upset doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel.
Needless to say Egypt is not on the agenda for nest year.
A so-called friend who’d been told I was ill about 10 months ago finally got in touch tonight because he wanted my help on something. When he rang he asked about what had been wrong with me. I told him the dx and that I’d had surgery, chemo, rads and ongoing herceptin. He asked “but was it a serious form of cancer?” I said “what do you mean?” He said “well you haven’t had to have bits of you lopped off, have you?” I said I had had one breast removed. He couldn’t put the phone down quick enough and said after that he didn’t need to ask my help on whatever it was. So now I feel even more like a deformed freak, not fit for normal people’s company.
Wow Notts that one takes the biscuit!!!
I’m sure this has been said by others & I’ve said elsewhere but one girl keeps banging on about how amazing my hair is now - I dyed it dark purple & have it stuck up - well why not I thought - It’s the exact opposite of my old long blonde hair. She said - “Oh I wish I had the guts to have my hair like that” - yeah like I chose for it to be so short - I am just making the best of a bad job I think. Oh well at least she talks to me I suppose!!!
I was coming our of the metro centre the other day wearing my wig which I hate with a passion.
A lady walked passed me at the entrance. She didn’t wear hers that day she had some growth on top but not on sides. Just like me. I was very proud to see her bearing all well done to you. Xxx
Had to book private transport to go to the hospital for Mx. Taxi arrived, he knew where he was going and then said to me " are you going in for a rest?" I think my face said it all!!!
Its amazing how many people when I tell them I’m having reconstruction of one breast and the other one uplifted to match who say “Oh it’s not all bad then” or “At least you get a boob job out of it”
Well maybe but I would rather not have had a mastectomy and months of chemotherapy in order to get new boobs. I was quite happy with the old slightly saggy ones thanks. And besides, they’re not gonna end up being too fantastic seeing as one will have no nipple and probably be a different colour. I know they mean well but if only thought about it, its not such a bonus!
2nd laugh of the day, on day of hospital admission, OH had to stay in a hotel as hossie was in a different town, I explained to man on desk that only OH staying and I was going into hospital, " why, what you having done then?" was his comment. I nearly told him “Mx” that would have put him off the lunch he was eating at the time!!!
Following on from Keepthefaith’s last but one post on this string - you have hit the nail on the head about whats bugging me at the moment - well eversince I saw the oncologist and got my potential survival stats. Or should I say potential death cos that is the scary thing.
Up until now I have gone along with the “well they’ve caught it early so you’ve just got to do whatever they tell you and this time next year everything will be back to normal/ you will back climbing the fells/ you can go on holiday” but now I don’t know what to say - should I play along with the “caught it early” myth or should I point out that it wasn’t caught early - I’m too young for routine mammogram - and in fact in 10 years time for women with my lifestyle, my cancer, my age, my treatment plan etc there is a one in ten chance that I will be dead?
Am I better kidding everybody including myself? Don’t get me wrong - I know there are people out there with secondaries facing really tough news and I’ve just got primary breast cancer and it may stay like that. Only my OH knows my stats should I start telling other people - or just toughen up?
Oh Sue, that is such a tricky one! I have pretty awful survival stats too and in the end the one person I didn’t tell was my mum as I know she would panic. If someone asks and I think they are genuinely sympathetic and not likely to say something stupid, I tell the truth - ‘my survival stats are not the best but don’t give up on me just yet!’
Yes that’s the stats I’ve been told as well, but look at it the other way there is a 90% chance we will be here in 10 years time. I don’t know about telling other people - I guess it depends if they ask, and if you want to tell them. If people say that to me I just say “well, no they haven’t actually” and then that’s there problem for saying something so crass! But you don’t need to toughen up! It’s all really scary and you / we are allowed to be scared for goodness sake!
I think Nymeria has got it right - what a wise woman you are!
And also the other thing they say is “well, of all the cancers to get, breast cancer’s a good one, it’s very treatable” - does that make you feel any better? NO!!!
