well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

As I was lying on my bed and groaning (quietly) in pain from docetaxel bone ache, my son came in the room. He looked really worried and I told him it was the chemo rather than anything else which was the problem. He said, ‘Mum, you’re so brave and you just always have been’. When your 22yr old son says you are brave, it has to taken in the spirit in which it is meant.So now I feel BRAVE!!!
Catherine xx

My hairdresser was talking about her mum’s treatment and said her mum wouldn’t be having a recon as she’s 46 and it’s not so important at her age. I didn’t inform her that I’m only 2 years younger than her mum - maybe it means I don’t look it ;0)

Hi ladythatlunch,
Your card reminded me of two cards I got when first diagnosed. They were both from the same person. One was pretty and said all the usual things, that was for the mantel piece. The other was to be hidden and read when I needed it. It contained many swear words and talked about courage, determination and beating the b@.+++** BC. It made me laugh and cry and did a great deal to cheer me up.
I saved my cards and counting them when I feel lonely makes me feel loved.
Regards
Chinook

Speaking of cards I wonder if I could ask people’s opinion…does anyone think this would be weird? My husband’s cousin was diagnosed a few years before me and she has just finished her 5 years of tamox. I wanted to send her a little card to say congratulations (or something) do you think that is a weird thing to be congratulated on??? I feel like it is a milestone that I would like to acknowledge in some way (and perhaps that non-BC folks might not realise what a milestone it is). We are not that close, we don’t live near them and only see them once a year or so at odd family gatherings. I just thought it’d be nice, but then again I don’t want her thinking what an odd thing to send a card for!(I am totally overthinking this I know!)

Hi sallieanniie
I personally think its a lovely idea!
I plan on celebrating mine in a big way if I’m lucky enough to get there ( still almost 4 years away! ) …I would definitely appreciate someone acknowledging the milestone
X

Thanks, queen of retail therapy! For some reason I got myself in a flap thinking it was a silly idea but you are right I should just do it! (I’ve got 4yrs to go too xx)

I think it that card is a great idea Sally Annie, and probably not many people who are not BC themselves would think of it. Whatever kind of treatment you have, getting to the end of it is a time of taking stock, and taking a deep breath in before trying to “move forward”.
And Notts gal I am stunned at anyone thinking that someone in their 40s
wouldn’t mind the loss of a breast. But be glad of the compliment!

This time 2 years ago it was the following, repeatedly:

You look so well (Well -what does that mean exactly?)
You are a real inspiration (To who?)
You are so brave (Brave? People who jump out of aeroplanes and go on talent shows are brave imho!)
You suit short hair (No i don’t and you know it!)
Oh your eye brows are back (Really, pity about the rest of me!)
It is only a breast (It might be to you, but to me it was part of my body and who i am!)
I can’t begin to imagine what you have been through (You are right, you can’t, so button it!)

Naz :slight_smile:

When me and my boyfriend invited his parents over for coffee at ours to tell them about my treatment, my MIL replied with a “ooh, don’t forget to bring some Coke with you then!” We had just told them for the first time I was getting chemo and her response was “oh, sip Coke afterwards and you’ll be fine”. Just OMG. I like positive thinking, avoiding drama and practical tips, but this? Pfffffff. I have tried to erase it from my mind. Until I found the perfect thread to let go of it! :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

I’ve had a classic one today on Facebook when I posted a photo of my latest hair “cut” …

“Wow… you look so different from when I last saw you at work…”

Everyone else was really supportive, if they were shocked they politely kept it to themselves!

Bless him, my OH responded with

" it is not very often that I post on here but I would like to say that after over 8 months, having 2 operations, 19 weeks of very harsh chemicals put in her body (6 large syringes x 6 times) and being ¾ of her way through radiation therapy – she is bound to look different! I’m just pleased that she looks 10 times better than she did 7 weeks ago (when she had her last chemo cycle)!"

I know anything on FB is fair game but I’m still smarting so going to release it now…thank you for listening!

Axx

Sallie annie, I think the card is a lovely idea. It would only be weird if she didn’t know about your diagnosis, so I assume she does.

Superfit, what a lovely thing from your wee boy. I can’t imagine my 25-yr-old coming out with anything like that at all.

Hi there,

My son said a very similar thing when he was going through a bad patch bout my cancer and I think he is struggling to find some come of direction in his life as many 19 year olds would.

He came over to hug me, out of the blue and I hugged him back as I would have done if he was a young boy, then he pulled away and turned away…the anguish I saw on his face was awful when he turned back and he just asked how I lived like this day after day?

I got up and Hugged him tight and said that he and Aisling were the reason and its was copeable as long as I could see them both enjoying life, I would be here. It was then he said How brave I was which made me humble and we sobbed together. It did us a great deal of good to acknowledge our feelings and what a huge compliment from him to say I was brave as both of them are in different ways as they are able to still enjoy life…thats the only guidence I have given them LOL

I got the most beautiful look from my XOH tonight, he’s been quite anxious over this past weeks with everything going wrong in the leg department. The look wasn’t of sympathy it was a look of understanding and luv, a look straight from our past. What a situation…

G night all, off to try and get some sleepies

Clare xxx

Annie, loved you OH’s response! (And glad you are feeling/looking better :))

Went to Sainsbury yesterday. I work in a primary school 5 mins form home. Saw about three mums and children from school. Mums all said I looked well (Look Good Feel Better make-up) and children stared blankly at me in my new disguise/headgear.I honestly think they didn’t recognise me to start with!!

How lovely Clare,

What a beautiful post! xx

Just have to add one to the pot:

I was talking to my sister the other night - first time we’ve talked since I was diagnosed (she lives overseas). We talked for quite a while about my diagnosis and treatment plan. Then I asked how she was doing.

‘Well, I’ve been having a lot of pain in my shoulder. I’ve had to have two cortisone injections in it. So I kind of know what you’re going through.’

Huh??? Good thing I love her. :slight_smile:

Clare, how beautiful. Thank you for sharing the experiences. Your son is quite obviously a feeling sort of guy, and it was lovely to read that your XOH is showing compassion and care too.

Their responses must be so warming and heartening, also Ash’s - she bless her shows feelings in a different way, always there to help when necessary.

You are blessed with love, but you are reaping what you’ve sown.

Libby x

From Mum: ‘Do you think that you are feeling like that (fatigued) because that’s what you are expecting to happen?’
Catherine

This wasn’t well-meaning - or was it meant to make me feel ‘normal’??

After 2 WLEs and further op for clearance on one side, I was told I was fit to go home the following day.
So I trotted off to the ward clerk (not the usual one) to arrange transport as previously agreed.
Clerk ‘It’s not a taxi service you know, this is elective surgery, it’s your responsibility to arrange your own transport when you choose to have surgery’
Cue rant (polite) and tears from me
NO I DIDN’T CHOOSE TO HAVE BREAST CANCER OR TO HAVE LIFE-SAVING SURGERY.

next day breast ward manager sorted it, apologised, and asked me if I would like to send in a letter of complaint - no just make sure that stupid c## doesn’t come near your patients ever again.

Oh dear, grumpy, that’s is most insensitive, I am sure the woman was duly disciplined.

I am on here after going to church yesterday where many people asked me “How ARE you” in that kind of pitying tone of voice - I can’t say “oh, fine thanks” can I?? Difficult to know what to say!

Catherine - Mums certainly do put their feet in their mouth sometimes don’t they?