Hi babysteps and welcome to the flutterbys! We all have or are still going through the rubbish from DX and you have only just finished treatment ,I was like you at that stage a sort of ‘hit by a bus’ syndrome (it’s the only way I can describe it!) this is when your brain is catching up with all that your body has gone through.I was the same and as you have read through the previous posts you will know we all felt the same at different times and in different ways! We just wanted to be who we were before BC but have now realised we will be a different new us ,we are all adapting and changing to become the new us with whatever things we experience making us flutterbys still fragile ,still tippy toeing towards using our wings and we have days where we fall back or get hit by things some big some small but we all offer a hand to hold and lots of hugs when you need it.
As Lucy says give the line a ring and post on here 'cos someone will be along to offer the hand along with hugs, we laugh together, we cry together and just having this site has been a real lifeline for me! I find it feels so good when someone either has shared your experience or just offers a place to ‘unload’ . Have you seen your GP?I did and am now taking anti depressants which I never thought would happen but they have helped me it is important that you get some help from your doc too. I have never joined a forum before and really thought it wasn’t for me now I don’t know what I would do without my fellow flutterbys. I am sure another will be along to share a hand soon but meanwhile don’t feel alone 'cos you are not so I am sending firstly the hand to hold and a gentle hug to welcome you. Take care Em xxx
Hi to all the flutterbys will post later! xxx
Hi Babysteps
Welcome to this site…as you can see from reading everyone’s posts you really are not alone…we’ve all been there and know what you are going through. Just because you’ve finished your rads doesn’t mean to say that you should be feeling happy and glad. You have had a huge shock to your emotional well being and its no wonder you feel like you do at the moment, its normal to feel this way. This site has been a lifeline for me too and I too had never joined a forum before but soo glad I did.
We are all Flutterbies, changing from what we were to the new us, some days we feel fragile and others we spread our wings and fly…but we are here for each other…
So, I’m giving you my hand to hold and a Flutterby hug
Elsa XX
Hello babysteps such an appropriate name as we’ve all been trying to take them in one form or other…
When I first posted on here… and with much trepidation, thinking I was loosing the plot!! I didnt expect an answer but so needed to offload my fears and feelings, I could’nt believe the response!!
And the best part was knowing that I was’nt on my own, it also has been my lifeline in so many ways, not just for BC but for being human and the trials and tribulations that come along with that it also offered so much friendship and support.
What you are feeling is as we have all said “normal” tho the normal we so expected is much different… we’ve been down the black hole and it is sometimes so hard to get out, somewhere along the posts way back Ami said as much as the body needs to recover from the trauma of BC its sometimes the mind that needs time to heal… think I got that right Ami??? you know me, the brain runs away at times ha ha!!! But its so true the mind is an enormous part of recovery love and when the bodys not feeling quite right the head takes over and sends all sorts of rotten messages out… fear… doubt… what if’s!
I had exactly the same experience as you no lump to feel no no effects just a small dent in the skin that i’d ignored for over a year… but the blighter showed up on a scan after mammo showed changes, and I feel as if i’ve gone to hell and back since, so sweetie your not alone… after R/T I moped round the house for an age wondering why my get up and go went kaput… and my family saw such a change in me but understood that what i’d been through was going to affect me but would I believe it?? no way normally a very gregarious (is that spelt right) person I could’nt believe all the treatment although over was still flooring me… so depression is a big part of it all… its very sad we feel that as we’ve gone through enough without having to deal with that too, but I believe once we recognize it we are half way there to curing it…
BC is’nt just the blighter that lives within its what comes after and how the body copes with all the treatment… some are lucky but most girlies are affected by it all so WELCOME to our very exclusive club of Flutterby’s 
offload any time you feel the need as Emmy said someone will always reply lend a hand or give a hug xx
We are survivors and we will get there but after the long hard journey we are bound to change and as i’ve seen on here we gain empathy understanding and strength and most of all fellowship…
We flutter together and grow together from each and every experience!
I hope I have been some help BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF is our Motto and it says so much dont expect too much of yourself hon your still healing and dont beat yourself up if you cant face a situation, it does get better but listen to your body if it says no… believe it and find a warm snuggly pair of PJ’s and have some ME time… its allowed and is an order!!! xxxxx
Love and big hugs to all flutterbys wherever you are and whatever your doing… another long one sorry!!!
Vikki’s discharge has been defered… she is still not pain controlled and will be seeing the pain control team on monday bless her she has got so worked up about coming home and not telling the Nursing staff how much she still hurts… so had a word last night and they are keeping her in now till things improve, Feel so sad for her but I would have been on tenterhooks while she was home alone so maybe for the best 
Bless you all for being in the Flutterby Forum and just being there xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxhugsxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Crabbit having just read your post… sorry was off on a tangent writing to babysteps xx i’m sending a massive hug and a large spoon to see you through the next few weeks! oh my your having a bad time with the family bless you they are such a worry I do hope all turns out well for them and also Lewis is ok? ME time for you too hon xxxhugxx
Hi baby steps
Welcome to this thread. I can empathise with you about never thinking you would be doing something like this. I joined when I was at a really low ebb and had never posted on any site before so for me it was quite alien. I had gone through my treatment coping quite well and it was only after all of it and then a year of Herceptin that I was not picking up and couldn’t understand why. It’s almost as if after treatment you are giving yourself permission to flop and then start the road to recovery. Don’t feel silly, it seems to be quite normal. I only wish someone had told me what to expect…or perhaps they don’t like to put ideas into our heads? As for your family, they are on the outside looking in and really don’t know what to do to help. They are all supportive and are willing you to get better but they also must wonder why we can’t pick ourselves up afterwards and carry as before. It’s not like we have a broken leg and they can see it! You need time, time to get your head around it, which comes only after treatment finishes, I feel. It will all come together eventually. Don’t think too much about coping ahead or you’ll worry about what might never be. Take one day at a time and if something comes along and you can’t cope, say so, you are allowed to, you know. As lovely Emmy describes ’hit by a bus’ is so apt. When you feel rubbish, go with the flow, tomorrow is another day on that road to full recovery. You say hopefully we will all be survivors, well we already are, flutterby! You’ve got through it all, remember. Sending a hug. xx
Doz Hope you get to hear from Daniel soon to put your mind at rest a bit. Things new are daunting but he will no doubt settle in when he’s found a few mates. Pleased your eye has settled. Is there any follow up treatment? And yes, you must worry about Vikki coming home to be alone, I can see that.
Carolyn Thankyou for your support. I try to be supportive in return, as all us flutterbys are to one another. As I’m probably further ahead than most on here, I’m thankfully feeling not bad now so most of my posts don’t have much news about myself but I can at least hold a few hands and know I’ll get the support from you all if I need it, (such as my recent mammo) which is wonderful between us all. Also my life is quite boring!! Hope Lewis is not ill today. The ladies of your family must really worry about one another all having breast issues, quite disturbing for you all!
Lovely messages from you all for baby steps
Ami xx
Hi everyone, take a deep berath. and hope u all take time to read thisxxxx
Just to say iam alone in the house, and never come on here unless my HO or son are at home this is because iam dyslexic and have real trouble pen to paper have only been useing the computor for a few months ( i find useing the computor easyer than paper, which is odd) this also effects my spelling and have to look up the easyest words, i have soooo much i want to say, but it goes around and around in my head, when i have to relie on my HO and son nothing is personal, as i hold back ( iam crying now, cant see key board) its nice to come on here cuz you cant see me, dont really know me, and for me to write this down after sooooo many years of hideing, it gives me a sence of carm. i think this is the new me turning into a butterfly and letting the world know who i really am. what prompted me to do this, is the post from babysteps and the wonderful advice and love you gave, it just flows from you all, i feel sorry that i find it hard to write . i have a scared feeling in my tummy for letting this out,but this is me, the NEW ME worts an all. sorry there are no full stops and gaps and all the other bits that should be there, HAY WHAT THE HELL.wonder what else i should let go of. (this has taken ages to put together) this is the first time i have cryed since being told i had BC in 2011
happy days xxxxx yvonne
Hi Yvonne
Aaaaww! I feel really emotional for you, I have tears in my eyes for you. I think it must have taken great courage to come on here and say this! Spelling is absolutely nothing as long as you can get across what you want to say, and your post is so full of emotion and feeling! You have just taken a really big positive step and I really admire you for it, flutterby! After so many years of hiding I imagine it such as release, you feel really free? It doesn’t seem that you find it hard to write, you express yourself really well. I sometimes find it hard to get the right words in order to say what I want and wonder if I sound a bit abrupt and to the point sometimes, so we all have our worries and fears about communicating. Interpreting an emotion or the way you want a sentence to sound when it’s written I find is very hard to do. I want to rejoice on your behalf! Wooohooo!! The new you is out!! Look out everybody, they don’t know what delights they’re in for!
Big hug and ‘virtual bottle of bubbly’ coming your way!
Love Ami xx
Whew! You have moved me too! I just want to let you know how proud I am of my youngest son who is also dyxlexic he works with adults with learning difficulties as a team leader to a staff team and is very popular with his service users. He used to have no confidence in himself and when doing homework would have his dictionary to hand . So like you flutterby he now tells people and doesn’t hide it, I think you are pretty amazing and am looking forward to your postings. I will warn you we all cry easily so you aren’t alone in the tears (look at my posts) you are a very brave woman and that comes shining through in your post. Sending you a special hug , keep on posting and hopefully you will gain confidence enough to share our particular group’s madness!! ami lovely post aren’t we lucky to have such amazing people around us? Take care all Em xxxxx
oh yvonne!!! what a lovely post and big hugs!!(sorry, read this thread regulary and love it!)am just a lurker but had to wish all you fab flutterbyes lots of love!carry on posting yvonne, you gave me a lot to think about. thankyou. alex xxxx
hi everyone,
thank you all for listening to my desperate appeal, and for all the wonderful advice. it good to know im not the only one feeling so different from what i was. im 4 weeks today post R/T. it seems so long ago since i was lying in the radium room bare from the waist up with a man standing on either side of me (if i hadnt been so terrified , i’d have been thrilled!!!) i sometimes wonder if im going to wake up and find i’ve been dreaming. no such luck eh??? i always thought this was something that happened to other people, not me. thank you all for such kind words and suggestions, your kindness has made me cry but if i do that here at least i wont do it in front of my daughter, shes so protective of me right now. i must go to the doc for an antidepressant.id take anything now if it would make me feel better. thanks for listening, i dont have anybody outside of my family to confide in so this is a great help. my best friend is my sister who lives in USA and she had a mastectomy in september!she has just finished chemo,1 month ago. i cant talk to her---- im afraid im too depressed and dont want to drag her down with me.
to garden party-- please keep posting notes, who cares about the spelling. we all make mistakes, if it helps do it! thanks again.
you flutter away Yvonne - it’s you being here that’s important, not the spelling or full stops… we enjoy you being you (and flapping those wings)… keep going…this is not a test or an english class, its a group of damaged ladies trying to re-emerge… we’re all in it together hun… Good for you! Must have taken huge courage - we salute you! Jane
Hi babysteps
If you do need to talk things through with someone please remember you can ring the BCC helpline. Here you can share your feelings and concerns with someone who will offer you emotional support as well as practical information. The number is 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open today until 2pm and Monday to Friday 9 to 5pm.
Best wishes Sam, BCC Facilitator
Hello girlies, what a lot of lovely, moving messages.
Yvonne, you have nothing to apologise for. I am so glad that you feel able to post and write about all the poop that is going on. I know it will be time consuming for you which makes it all the more wonderful. Think you’ve had every one of us crying now.
Babysteps, you are expressing so many things that we are all probably nodding our heads at. What I’m finding is that I have some good weeks and beat myself up a little when I hit a bad week. Now, in all honesty, my bad weeks might have happened anyway, after all I am a hormonal being, but I think we are often very hard on ourselves because we know no matter how much we have a wee moan that we are bleeping lucky to have had the chance of treatment/ recovery. It’s almost as if we don’t have the right. Here everyone is lovely. No-ones fears are dismissed and everyone is allowed to express themselves. It’s wonderful so keep posting too.xx
Quick hello to Mummysboobs, Elsa and Jane whilst I’m on the go lol!
Emmy, you must be very proud of your son. I still hardour a desire to get back into adult basic ed, maybe voluntary after I retire, or special needs perhaps, but not as a FT job. Hope he goes far with it and helps many others.
Ami, bless you. Any more of that bubbly going. Maybe we should just have a bubbly party.
Doz, thank you. Lewis is fine though, just under the weather. My Aunt seems to be getting rapid and good treatment, much more thorough and rapid than I experienced so we have nothing not to feel negative about at the minute, but you do the ‘what if’s’ don’t you? I am glad they didn’t discharge Vikki too soon. Quite right they should have the pain under control first. Fingers crossed for improvement soon. You have had far too mcuh to worry about lately yourself!
Take care all, you are wonderful ladies. xxx
Hello flutterbys
what a lovely thread i have just read it through… i have posted on here occasionally usually when i am stressed or fed up, at the moment i am both!! I finished all my treatment in Jan this year nearly 2 years after diagnosis and after being super positive all the way through i am now on the floor with nothing else to give…reading your posts has given me encouragment and made me feel less alone… i think for me the reality of bc is setting in and i am trying so hard to be how i was but i can’t do it, it is a struggle… my gp is superb and has offered me antidepressants which i am thinking about (i suffered from depression 12 years ago and they worked wonders then) and i am waiting for an appointment for some counselling…
so thanks ladies and hugs to you all xx
Aw bless you I wanted to cry/empathize/hug/support all you new girlies for coming on here and letting it all go… and for being brave enough to be honest with us xxxxx
Spelling… who cares mines a bit dire at times too!!
Jane has summarised it brilliantly, its not a test as who can write the best it IS a group of damaged ladies who are finding their way through a long hard journey together, just telling it how it is!
you must keep posting and not hiding honey even if it just helps you to offload you have gained something I forget comma’s and full stops too but you know we can still read what we write… ( I just run out of breath when reading it
One of our Phsycologists at work once said Dyslexic people are very clever people behind the inability to form words… so read that and know you are special regardless to the spelling mistakes which really are’nt bad… use your spell check on the computer and no’one would ever know xxxhugxxx
Mummysboob WHY are you lurking come and join us more often xx
Babysteps I did laugh at your above the waist bareness description you naughty girl ha ha!!! Cry as much as you want it is allowed and necessary to be rid of the gremlins that appear now and then xxxx
Ami Jane and Em Where would we be without your wise words/support and advice, your simplicity to explain things the way they should be read leaves me feeling humble at times as you say them so well… I sit here sometimes with conversations running through my head knowing what I want to say but it never comes out the way I want it to be read… so I rabbit on and on ha ha!!! I suppose thats what makes us all unique in our own way so from this Dippy Doz I’m sending ALL my flutterby friends a massive hug and as much rabbiting as you can endure love you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxhugxxxxxxxxxxxx
PS Daniel is’nt going to Kandahar now they have decided as team leader he’s going south with his team YAAAY!!! xx
I think the last 3 post came up together morning girls xxx
Crabbit that is such positive news for your family bless you, you also have enough to contend with, without more stress… Bubbly oh yes please!!! xxxx
Fluffychick welcome hon and do go for your app, with councilling it is so helpful when you cant see the wood for the trees and gave me lots of positivity to think through.
You will see you are NOT alone we’ve all either been there (not nice) still there (scarey) and most of all still HERE in more ways than one it does get easier so you must’nt struggle on your own… were always here to sound off to! xxxxxxx
Doz, I LOVE your chatty posts! Don’t change! I went to go out yesterday morning and found the contents of my car strewn all over the place! No sign of break-in, but the old spare mobile had gone, along with the “parking money”. The satnav was out of the glove box, but still there, so I guess they were disturbed. When I rang the police they said that you could buy devices to over-ride central locking nowadays!!! I didn’t lose much (the phone was so old it was worth nothing) but it’s not a nice feeling that your car isn’t safe even when it’s locked! And we live in a private road with 3 houses and a block of flats! nowhere to run if they’d been caught. The dog, of course, was no use whatsoever! Sound asleep! Must go and to some pilates befor the day starts… Have a lovely day flutterbies, and welcome to new, emerging ones… Jane
Thank you flutterbys…
I need to know how to get over the fear?? I only experienced this feeling when I was first diagnosed then I pushed it to one side so I could be super positive and cope with the treatment…
As I sit here now I have an ache in my left booby have had it before and I am making it worse as I constantly prod and poke it… when does this go… I need to find my safe place again…along with my positivity…
Sorry to read about your car GIJane, what I think is unprintable!!!
Have a good day all dodging the showers…
Fluffy xxxx
I just read your post Jane how horrible! I have not thankfully had that happen though did have a whole car stolen about 18 years ago! It was a soft top and I had only had it 10 days! I must have looked a right nana wandering around the car park wondering if I dreamt where I had parked it so it must be elsewhere before the penny finally dropped! I don’t think it is the items it is the going into your private space that is upsetting! I didn’t know about devices that can override central locking? It’s quite worrying isn’t it? I had my card cloned a couple of weeks ago and that was upsetting though the bank were really good put the cash straight back into my account and sent a new card but that gave me the creeps, guess what they spent £283 of my money on??? HAIR PRODUCTS! Now that is taking the p–s! I told the woman from the bank that too!!!
I love that the dog slept through it but in a way I am glad 'cos you didn’t get to put yourself at any risk which you may have done if he had. Well flutterbys I am going to get dressed (how lazy am I?) and Doz it is the lovely everyday things you talk about that makes your posts lovely to read! I am living in the land of can’t be faffed right now and on a countdown to Thursday !! Last one oh my goodness how quick did that time go? Soooo looking forward to becoming to some kind of new me!
Hmmmmm! Wondering what colours our wings will be? I think mine will be blues, all shades of blue! Take care all and enjoy the rest of the weekend ,sending hugs to all Em xxxxx
Fluffy Chick I was just sending this when your post came through! Bless you, we all live with that awful whispering of doubt and it is hard to get past that ,but get past it you will. I had it explained as fear being a huge black hole when we are first diagnosed, it swallows everything nice up 'cos we are so focussed on this back hole you can’t get across it ,but life, family, whatever you have around you creeps back and does distract you so when you look back the hole gets smaller. Over time that hole shrinks it maybe never goes away but it shrinks to the point where like a crack in the pavement you do step over it and still acknowledge it but it doesn’t overwhelm you as it did in the beginning. I do hope that makes sense a very wise wonderful friend who has been through this explained it to me this way and I hope his words made sense to you as they did me, but as anyone here will tell you if you aren’t able to then do go see your GP or BCN they will have seen many people who feel the same. I am sending you a gentle hug as you sound quite fragile and I am sure all the flutterbys will come along with theirs too. Take care flutterby Em xxx
Hi all
Really wasnt my intention to make you all cry.
i have re read my post many times, over the weekend, cant belive that was me. my OH alwasys laughs and says when there is no grammer,
“Had all my teeth out and a new gas stove put in.” lol. My OH puts this forum up bfore he goes out incase i send a posting off, without him being here, which i never have before. Havent told him yet, as i have to get over this sence of failyer that i carry around with me,THATS THE NEXT ISSUE i will tackal.xxx
emmy; How wondreful your son being team leader in the learning field, i feel a sence of pride for him, as you must, wow! back in my day the teachers didnt bother, so i know he will make a huge differance to others xxx
GijaneH; Sorry about your car and contents, did they only pick on your car,very distressing. someone elses dog must of disturbed them,
and it was your dogs nite off,
Doz; Hope you havent run out of breath reading this post, as now they are not edited, tho i always liked useing commas, you could take a breath when u see one, i am really laughing now.
babysteps My best friend is my mum, i have 4 brothers so even tho she is my mum, she is also like a sister, we were going thr BC to gether, mum on her 5th year and me on my 1st year, mum got the all clear in july 11, she seems to think cuz i had chemo mine was worse than hers, so she didnt like talking about BC that much, so may be we should off load on here and take all advice going.xxxxxx
if i have said anything out of turn or offended anyone ill say sorry now cuz this has not be edited
bless you all yvonne xxxxxxx
Jane… It makes my blood boil when people invade our space/property its the worst feeling in the world knowing someone has rummaged through your things… little S**ds want to be on the receiving end themselves…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
This is such a long story so I will cut it short… hopefully!
I was happily married way back when, then when I lost both my parents, we went on holiday to France to stay with some friends and while we were away we were burgled…the ******** were in and out of our home for 4 days before a neighbour became suspicious? We were at the end of a cul.de.sac detatched and set back behind trees, so understandable I guess! The Police rang my husbands co,. so we were informed and came home to find the whole house ransacked… leather suite was slashed drawers emptied all electrical equipment gone, the childrens motoX bikes had gone, my car had been vandalised with nitromorse, the garage had been almost emptied, and the ********* had urinated on all the beds! But the worst thing was all my parents belongings that I had brought to our house after their deaths, jewellery watch’s money etc had all gone!
I cant begin to tell you how it felt… in the conservatory the police had found cans of petrol, so I imagine a fire was planned to rid the house of evidence??
The Police had 5 DC’s on the case for weeks and eventually arrested 16 youths 3 of which were at my sons school and one a supposed friend… all under 17! One was a known drug abuser (the eldest) the Crown prosecution threw the case out as they were mostly under age and the eldest one’s father came out of the woodwork and told the police they were away at the time!!! Yet he was seen wearing my sons crash helmet! long story sorry!!
In the proceding months we were threatened over the phone by this lads father, our cars were nitromorsed again and after weeks of harrassment we had camera’s put all around the house by the Police and a panic button put into 3 rooms, all calls were intercepted… the children 11 and 13 at the time were escorted to school for months by a plain clothes police woman as they had been getting threats via a friend of one of the lads! and we had a policeman call every night (who has now become a very close friend in his retirement) we eventually caught the eldest of the gang on camera writing a threat on the garage window and he was then arrested and charged but the remaining 15 were too young to charge and were put on the young offenders list!!!
Small justice for what turned out to be the end of our life as a family and we were divorced 1 year later…
Daniel and Vikki have never really got over this and will carry it around somewhere in their minds for a long long time… as will my ex husband and myself… tho history now it has shaped our lives on a very different path to what we had once planned!
We have had apopolgies from some of the lads as they have grown older… but i’ll never find it in my heart to forgive them for destroying what was at the time a very happy family… now i’m crying… where did that come from???
I guess you never really get over it… no matter where life takes us!
It did aspire that one of the boys had told the Police when first arrested that we could afford to buy anything we wanted… and we had spoilt our children how sad is that!!!
So jane i’m sorry you have been a victim too xxx
Fluffychick… i’m still here the fear as Em says and we have all learnt becomes less and has been for all of us part and parcel of BC All the doubts the what if’s will lessen as time goes by and the hole does shrink honestly, its still early days honey with only finishing treatment this yr… you need to keep focusing on the positive and try not to bury your thoughts as they do come up and bite at the most inopportune times…were always here to talk back to you and so are the BC nurses for when a little niggle becomes too big to understand or reason with, its happened to all of us in some form or other and we become obssessed with any ache or pain, always thinking its BC all over again bless you, I’m sure what you are feeling is the aftereffects of treatment and it can go on for quite some time, my boob still aches now and then after a yr of finishing treatment and have been told this is “normal” in a much earlier post I wrote about R/T and how it does damage cells, so we will feel some effects, but honestly it does lessen xxxxx
Well I think I could write a book on my life and the events that have taken place so sorry girlies its another chapter and if you skip it your forgiven flutterbys
my love hugs spoons and hand holding for Em this week and much more to go round if anyone needs them chapter 2 anytime your in need of a sleeping pill… just log on here ha ha!!! xxxxxhugsxxxx