Hi Doz hope all went well and you aren’t feeling too down. Been thinking about you. I have a son in Australia and I know its not like Afghanistan I miss him loads. So I can empathise a bit with you.I hope you continue to be strong and you know all of us butterflies are here for you love and hugs jmr x
p.s someone remarked today how much my hair had grown and how shiny it was so sea kelp must be working x
Thank you all for making me realise it is ok to feel as I am feeling a year after diagnosis, then surgery, chemo and rads. I was beginning to think I was cracking up as tears are so near the surface some days even tho I have finished my treatment and just had my first clear mammogram. Instead of feeling great I feel lost. People keep saying stuff like - i bet you live each day to the full now etc …- but honestly i cant say that i do, i have ok days but also desperate ones when i cant seem to make sense of who i am. Certainly not the same person as before bc but struggling to find who i am and what i want. So unsure of myself too and feeling vulnerable…
Hi Sinaed
Bless you of course your not cracking up as we,ve all found out on this forum, your now in a very exclusive butterfly club and we will emerge from this crazy journey into beautiful ladies once again!!
I have seen some of the ladies on here blossom after getting it all out in the open and telling it just how it is…the tears are very normal just read some if the previous posts xx
It is hard to find some normalicy as we are all finding out but it really helps to know that we are all on the same journey and all feel the same helplessness and vulnerabilty at times.
I,m a little behind you I,ve got my yearly check up in a week and i,m cr****ng myself, we are all the same hon so welcome with open arms there are some amazing ladies on here that will get you through the bad times with such ease… as I found out bless them all xxxx
Jmr and flutterbys 
My sons leaving party was an amazing night and I HELD IT TOGETHER!!! woo hoo… It felt wrong enjoying ourselves under the circumstances but family and friends made it such a special night, I did say to him halfway thro the night i,m not really celebrating you going away please dont think i,ll not miss you!!! He responded with the biggest hug and the tears were half an inch away but I HELD IT TOGETHER I,ve just spent the last couple of days shopping with him for summer clothes and helping to sort things out before he heads off next week
He flies out the day I have my yearly check up… VERY BAD TIMING 
But i,m sure the day will be a mixture of emotions in more ways than one!!!
My love to you all and for all the kind thoughts your precious… each and everyone of you Big xxxxxxxxxxxxHUGSxxxxxxxxxxxxx Doz
Hi Sinaed
Yes, a big welcome to the Butterfly Club! I found it felt strange after treatment had finished. When I was ready to leave hospital after my last Herceptin I remember saying to the Matron how odd it felt to be leaving - a kind of “What now!” She said she’d heard that before, so we are not on our own. It seems to take time to adjust and yes there certainly is a feeling of trying to make sense of who you are. I seem to have less confidence now, for some reason, than when I was having treatment. Maybe we were soldiering on, actually doing something and being positive!
Well - now it’s your time to fly, butterfly, with us here, so a big welcome and a hug.
Hi Doz
So glad you had a terrific night! You’ve been in my thoughts often. Well done for holding it together. I don’t know if I’d have done half as good as you! I can soon well up! Lovely that you went shopping together too.
Byee flutterbys, sleep well. Ami xx
Hi Ami
You are right about wondering who we are?? I guess thats why so many relate to this post bless you all…
I look back and just felt I was being carried along with the treatment/journey its almost as if we have just accepted the path we are on as we have no choice and somewhere down the line we loose ourselves a bit/lot!!!
Its also the effects of the treatment… that again we dont really have a choice in, and along with the emotions flying all over and the sweats and by far the biggest issue is having been given the shocking news we all dread, our uninvited guest!!!
It has to effect us and C is a constant reminder that its touched us
its there when we wake its there when we feel off, its there every living moment and during the night when the sleep Gremlins play with our heads… so not feeling ourselves anymore is a reaction to this damned awful journey… On saying that we are all the same non of us are actually cracking up… Well not yet anyway, ha ha!!!
My serious head just appeared ssoorrry!!!
But it all makes sense I suppose its just that we take some time adjusting, and getting ourselves to accept what we cant change!!
My sweats are getting me down at the moment so I wont get started on that subject i,ll just say…
WOMEN DONT HAVE HOT FLUSHES… THEY HAVE POWER SURGES!!!
and that will be my saying for today when the evil little buggers get the better of me
Love to you all ALWAYZ xxxxxxxxxxxx((hugs))xxxxxxxxxxxx Doz
welcome Sinaed I have been so much better since I came on this site even just reading how others are feeling and coping really helps to get things a little more in perspective.
Hi Doz glad party was great and I am sure you will continue to hold it together.
I have got other things on my mind at the moment as op nearly due (had pre-op assess today)so the BC is at the back of my mind. No doubt when its all over I will start having silly thoughts again.The hot flushes drive me mad as well and as my hubby feels the cold it makes life a bit awkward as I don’t want him to get hypothermia ha ha. Take care all you butterflies and keep those chin up love and hugs jmr xxxxx
Hi Jmr
I hope you are ok it must be hard knowing your back for another procedure with all that you,ve been through, I do hope this one will be over and done with asap hon… forget the BC for now and just try not to worry you,ve come so far and are one of our pretty butterflies hon so we,ll be there right beside you in thought xxxx
I know what you mean about hypothermia… Vikki my daughter says she,s already suffering it she turns the heating up I turn it down she turns it back up I open the patio doors she puts the fire on I stand outside… its chaos!! so glad she works till 9.30pm so I can chill in peace…
in your own words chin up and stay positive you will be fine and remember too how far you came on this journey… good days bad days maybe but still here love and well and truly a gem xxxx
Love and hugs all round xxxxhugxxxx
We will al be thinking of you Jmr and yes Doz as ever your words of wisdom ring true us butterflies will be here! Funny thing is you are all having your POWER SURGES and I have really bad chills! Heating on full belt,snuggly DG and furry warm throw just about gets me warm! come next week as SE fall off I then get hot!! Poor hubby just puts up with it all, he now just wears his t-shirt in house and knows he will feel it when he goes out!!! Tummy just starting to settle down and not so bothersome but it does seem to be lasting a little longer as time goes on a bit like a mini chemo I get better then it starts all over again! Never mind another one of the curves that bloody cancer chucks at you!I did laugh at your description Doz sounds like the magic roundabout in your house!! Lots of love and hugs to all Em xxxxx
Hi Jmr
It really can’t be easy for you having another operation, just when you should be beginning to pick up from BC. Just hope everything went well with your pre op assesment today. How long are you likely to be in hospital? You do realise you will be leaving us here all alone!!! We don’t like it when one of us is missing!!! Still, if positive thoughts works then you should certainly be OK 'cause we send plenty out on here, flutterby.
About you getting hot. If you’re hot in bed, I think you can buy a double duvet lighter on one side than the other.
Hugs all round to everyone, Ami xx
Ha ha ha!!!
The duvet sounds brill… If I was normal Ami!!!
I need one that is one half thick the other half non existant so when my body central heating switch’s to over load I can roll to the other side where the non existant bit is!!! then vice versa, not only do I play merry go round in the lounge it frequents my bedroom too I get sick of it then at some point the loo starts calling my name and I need the hot side again… Good fun NOT!!!
Hope your feeling ok Jmr your in our thoughts flutterby and as Ami says hope your not going to be long before your back with us we,ll miss you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Em I should send my daughter to live with you she,d be in heaven in a warm room and I can happily play scrooge with the heating
Love and hugs to you all xxxxxxx((HUGS))xxxxxxx
Hi girls hopefully only in hospital for a couple of days but have to take it easy for a while so will be living in my P.Js . will still be in touch as need you thoughts and posts to help me along Have a good day flutterbys jmr xxxx
p.s duvet idea sounds great but tend to blow hot and cold so duvet is off and on all night ha ha xx
Hi Jmr good luck with the hospital sending you flutterby hugs! nothing wrong with PJ’s they have become my best friends! That duvet sounds interesting and the thought of Doz playing magic roundabout makes me smile! I tell people my thermostat is broken! Yep the house is like a hot house but can’t cope any other way at the moment so looking forward to getting sorted and hopefully be some kind of normal!
Well flutterbys I am off to have my shower then PJ’s and DG!!! Oh I love them! Got reflexology tomorrow (bliss) and pneumonia jab oh joy! Still better to be safe than sorry goodnight all Em xxxxxxx
Hi Jmr
Ooooooh good girl PJ’s now thats my kinda girl
Make sure they are snuggly, warm and comfortable as we,ll crtainly keep you busy writing bless ya!!
Finally found out why my knee is playing up so bad, i,ve torn the antrial cruciat ligament and the reason its been hard to diagnose is because its torn right near the knee cap and fluid/swelling has hindered prognosis… Also very nice hospital physio added my age!!!
B*****D as if i,ve not had that one rubbed in enough!!!
Oh well should start to see improvement soon, hopefully, if my age AAAAARGH is,nt in the way
He said swimmimg was good but to avoid breast stroke eeeeeek! better not tell him that I cant do any other… or the 30/40 lengths i,ve been pushing myself to do… it is only a small pool might I add so dont go thinking i,m training for the age concern Olympics ha ha!!!
6 days to go for my yearly check up OMG!! wish it was all over and done with, so I am right there with you Jmr on the waiting its the hardest part and once you,ve had what weve all been through its hard to sit and wait… xxxx
Well girls i,ve been good today and done hardly anything, tut tut!! i,m getting an expert on antique prices and house prices in the country… how sad is that!!!
I,ve got a weekend away with some girlfriends in Edinburgh on 26th so i,m nurturing the knee so it,ll hold out for that… well thats my excuse for being lazy…
Keep your chin up Jmr were all here for you flutterby
Love and hugs xxx(HUGS)xxx
thanks Emmy Doz and the rest of the flutterbyes I know you will all be there to keep my spirits up. doesn’t sound very nice what is wrong with your knee isn’t it like the footballers injury.I hope it gets better with exercise and you don’t need any intervention as thats the last thing youu need just hope you can get round Edinburgh okay.I love the place both my daughter and my son used to live ther and we used to go regularly have fun. Personally Doz I don’t think our age has to do with anything after all as my daughter says its just a number so keep thinking young even though bits are starting to sag in the wrong places ha ha.I am dreading not being able to exercise for 6 weeks but hope to get out walking after 2 weeks. Just got my weight sorted so don’t want to be putting it back on Take care everyone big hugs jmr xxx
Hi everyone
No wonder your knee hurts Doz! Must be really painful but at least you know what the damage is. I suppose the best thing is to rest it as much as you can? Edinburgh is a really nice place and what a great thing to do to take your mind off things after getting your yearly check-up over with.
Emmy - I’ve just posted on the Herceptin thread and funnily enough was wondering earlier today if you’re having muga scans, if so what are your percentage results? Also, wondering if you’re coping with work, due to its effects? I found I lacked stamina as the sessions progressed although that was prpbably due to my percentage level dropping.
Fond thoughts Ami xx
Hi flutterbys…
The sleep gremlins are in my bedroom SOB!!!
Went to bed at 10.30 and after 2 hrs decided to get up and have a peek on here with a cuppa…
My knee is feeling better after having started ultra sound treatment and massages, it will take time and yes footballers do suffer with it often Jmr tho I dont get paid as much as they do ha ha ha!!!
Hope your all ok and sleeping better than me!!!
I,m really looking forward to Edinburgh hav.nt been for years so even if the pace is slow I will enjoy it i,m sure.
Nite nite flutterbys Cuppa seems to have done the trick
xxxxxxxxxxxhugzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!
Oh Doz you have to take the tablets lovely, no good not sleeping how on earth are you going to have any energy for your weekend??? I know how awful that is it does your head in doesn’t it? ami yes I am on my ‘H’ no 10 just and so far muga scans are holding up, I don’t ask for my results too scared just want to have this over with! Yes I get very tired sometimes I feel like my body is something I drag along!! I know I have put on weight but this is almost as if someone fills my body with sand!!! I do get an upset tummy and it is taking longer to settle each treatment but I have IBS along with a wheat intolerance so every time I have treatment my poor tum cops it! I am back to work but only two mornings a week and that is so tiring! I feel really pathetic! but am going for an extra morning in Dec and looking at more after xmas if I can get myself motivated! I am more bothered about the memory thing, it has become an issue with me I remember the most odd things but everyday stuff like a simple word just goes and I stand there like a gaping fish trying hard to remember what the word is!!! I was bad enough before but so much worse now it is quite scary!!I hope yours was kinder to you!
Doz try to get some decent rest or you will have the men in white coats after you, eerrr! I think they may be here for me first!!! much love to all the flutterbys out there Em xxx
Aw Em and Ami
Bless ya I dread to think how i,d be handling things if I was still on treatment I went for a drink with my badminton partner last night… only a couple but maybe thats why I could,nt sleep?? only had 2!! but we spent the night trying to remember names of people who were in films we,d seen… Absolutely useless!!! one name led to another actor then so on and so on and in the end we were trying to remember around 5 different actors or their sons… my friend was even worse as he just kept adding films that they,d been in then could,nt remember who they were in it with!!! A young lad came to the rescue he had a phone with google on and everyone in the pub was in fits of laughter over us! The name that started it all off was Christopher Walken… I don,t even like him!!!in the end we had all names but it does worry me too, silly things I do remember but others just leave me tongue tied!!! and yes gawping like a fish out of water! It is scarey.
I did sleep in the end and didnt wake up till 10.00 so had a good rest and I had no.one home last night Vikki stayed with her brother I WONT CRY!!! so I didnt feel guilty at sleeping in
Have a good weekend flutterbys and big hugs on the way XXXHUGSXXX
Diox Enjoy Edinburgh you will love it. Not that as an exiled Scot am I biased. You need a big break and lots of relaxation . How is your lovely son? Often think about him I hope these boys realise how proud we all are of them?
I had my last taxing yesterday… Nearly there with all of you!!!
Big Hug and cuddle
Cackles
Hi Cackles
My son is almost packed now He,s had a couple of nights out over the past few days work, friends etc so hav,nt seen much of him!
But we have the pleasure of his company tomorrow night as we (me and daughter) are cooking christmas dinner for us all… a bit early I know but he asked and with helping my daughter on xmas day at the restaurant we probably wont bother with another… at least not a fully blown one!
Aw that means your a fully fledged Butterfly Well done and keep posting hon hope your feeling ok?
I broke one of my back teeth last night The full corner just broke off eeek!! while munching on my tea… there was nothing hard so God knows how that happened???
Must admit over the past few months my teeth have been a bit sensitive… I know letrozole causes a dry mouth as i,ve suffered with it from day one so not sure what its doing to my teeth, if anything?? (Dont want falses yet)
So first thing in morning it,ll be dentist for me hope I can enjoy my xmas dinner
Love and hugs to all you flutterbys xxxxxxxxhugsxxxxxxx