Where do I fit in?

:heart:you do fit in here, I know it’s not the same as being able to share experience with other men but hopefully all the responses you’ve had will show you that even if the ladies can’t relate specifically to your circumstances you can reach out and people here will reach out back with kindness and support, bcn and the threads and everyone here would never want anyone to feel alone or not heard :heart: everyones experience of bc is personal and although we all understand we can’t be where your head is at but we can listen and try and help when you reach out :heart: so please do, because as you’ve seen from responses forum members do care that you have felt isolated and don’t know where to fit in, you fit in here and hopefully as you’ve now seen ladies will not be holding back by responding even if their circumstances are different, knowing you’ve been heard and acknowledge will show you, you fit in here even in a mostly female forum, bcn is always here for everyone no matter what, male, female, gender fluid everyone :heart: because the shared experience of breast cancer no matter which type or stage is what binds us together and together we can keep fighting to get our voices heard with bcn so that they can get more trials and research and get the government to get more treatment options and getting screening age lowered so future generations have more options :heart::two_hearts::two_hearts::sparkles::sparkles:Shi xx


Good morning, apologies if I was ambiguous. I dont have Stage 4 but I do have her2 positive so treatment seems to be everything going! This was a huge shock as originally I was told it was pre-invasive DCIS and only a small surgery and 5 days of radiotherapy were all that was needed. I’ve read far too much about it but the prognosis is so much better than it was even 10 years ago. I hope you are doing better today. I love :heart: this group. Btw have you looked at the Penny Brohn website?



I’d have good money (i’m 50% Yorkshire & 50% Scottish) on the facebook lifestyle being the glossy view of the xmas celebrations and not mentioning any family squabbles!

Whilst its nice to share family time they are also capable of being a royal pain in the proverbial! I’m sure they never thought that the Facebook post would make you feel excluded, they probably thought that by sharing photos they were doing what they could to include you.

If you want to spend time with extended family then arranged something you enjoy and invite the kids.

For me my memory of xmas was a muddy walk with my dog, newly adopted. She found fox poo and rolled enthusiasticly in this (its the equivalent of a posh spa treatment if your a dog) she then managed to find and charge through every muddy puddle she could find.

On arrival home with a black, white and mud splattered and smelly dog it was bath time! The water turned black… then brush and blow dry before full xmas tea

I am now in doggie obedience classes to learn how to behave. :dog2::wink:


Well said Shi

My thoughts entirely, Breast cancer is Breast cancer, and your correct, nobody can understand how another person feels or experiences this awful disease , but by having it should create a human empathy that wants to be around people in the same boat …so to speak.

BCN are very good and I have huge admiration for them as an organisation.




Forgive me for misunderstanding, rereading your post I now realise. It still is though a lot to take in and absorb. And from it to go from your original diagnosis to your current state, must have been very distressing for you.

Please Take care of You



Hi @PHBF64, please don’t apologise for venting. :slightly_smiling_face:
The forums are for venting too, for sharing challenges and highs and lows, and everything in between. All vibes are welcome here. And your perspective of living with secondary breast cancer are hugely relevant and important.

We’re here if you ever need to put a proverbial ‘pen to paper’, even if it involves a keyboard :wink:
We are sending you a gentle hug from everyone on our forum team



I love the money saving analogy, Yorkshire and Scottish :rofl::rofl::rofl:
Plus reference to your pooch rolling in Fox Poo….gave me a scary flash back to a few back baby sitting my sister in laws West highland white, who whilst out for a pleasant stroll, shot off across the field and did like wise……now looking more like a darkened Terrier, and the Smell :cold_sweat::cold_sweat::cold_sweat::cold_sweat::cold_sweat: couldn’t get it out of the house for days, as we bathed the mutt, here before returning home white fluff and pristine……

Re my family …in particular my eldest son and his relationship with his in laws……
It’s always been the same. The DIL is a triplet, and they do everything in unison….so every Callander occasion is cause for all girls and now their collective 7 kids to partake in buffet type occasions and celebration, they all holiday together, so even asking to spend time with Grand children sends my son into meltdown as he just dies what he’s told…:disappointed_relieved:

As I said at times ignore it all, it impacts on my wife much more…

The making memories comment on Facebook truly hurt….beacuse now having stage 4, I don’t know how many memories are left to make….sat in on New Year’s Eve, drove that thought well and truly home…

Anyway thanks again

Avoid fox poo, at all costs……:face_vomiting::face_vomiting::face_vomiting:



Thank you Bernard

That truly does Matter

Kindest regards


Hi lovely, it was great to hear back from you.
How you feeling today?
I am originally from outside Manchester, but have lived in Oz for over twenty years.
Our distances are quite big, but its something i just got used to.
You seem to have to travel a bit too. 3 to 4 hospitals for treatment would send me dizzy.
I dont drive now as the pain meds i am on make me sleepy sometimes so i get a lift when needed for my hospital visits.
I have two teenagers. My daughter just got an atar score of 92.6 after finishing her HSC( high school certificate) equivalent to six form. She has applied to 5 universities so hopefully we will know soon which ones give her a placement. Sydney west is her preference for forensic science.
I know she is worried for me, but i am pushing her in a good way its her life to get on with and she cant miss this opportunity she has worked so hard for.
My goal is to see my son finish school, he has two and half more years till he finishes at 18.
My oncologist knows this is my goal and she said I am going to try my hardest to work with you to get there.
I am lucky i have a good medical team, behind me.
I have heard good things on targeted radiotherapy.
A gentleman who i met recently while having radiotherapy has been fighting a rare cancer for 15 years, He has stereotactic radiotherapy. I am not sure if thats the same or similar.
I am sure you would be worried if you need lung surgery. Hopefully it is just key hole. Its hard to know really.
I recently had an oophorectomy through key hole but was also told they might have to open me up. Fortunately they didn’t.
This targeted therapy seems the way to go though for you.
Could i ask, did you find a lump in your chest area?
I didn’t have anything no symptoms no lumps. I just went for my yearly mammogram and they found my lymph nodes swollen and after more tests, i was told i was stage 4.
It was so surreal, still is really. I have felt like i have been exsisting more than living.
But this year i am trying to be more productive. Its hard though with hospital visits which are constant. Us thrivers will be on treatment for ever. But onwards and upwards.
My children named my cancer Dorothy it was there way in coping with it all. So really shes part of the family.
My son always checks that we have had our meds for the day. It sounds daft but it has helped them.
Anyway i better sign off for now. Up early for chemotherapy. Keep strong :muscle:. Chat soon, take care 🩷


Hello Cherry38

What a small world I live in Oldham just outside of Manchester, and my wife has Cousins in Sidney….

I’m okay today thank you….i think the other night was a culmination of post Christmas/New year blues, Umpteen appointments, and just timing.

I hope your Daughter does well and becomes whatever she wants to become. That’s all we can ask for our children, your Son appears to have your back, re medicines …good to know,.

We have two adult Sons and two Grandchildren……

Life’s so busy most of the time we see them when they are free. It bothers my wife more than me, I just get on with my life.

I’ll know more re other options on Friday when I see the Oncologist again, hopefully the CT scan on Monday shows that the inflammation has diminished and the lung mets haven’t grown , at least then I might get back on Ricociclib, and have more time to plan if I want additional Radiotherapy or Surgery ….it all feels rushed……
Anyway thanks so much for listening to me whinge ….
It’s good to vent, better out of my head and on paper or :face_vomiting::face_vomiting:
Out into cyber space….at least I can then get up the day after and go again.

Have a g-day……

Take care of YOU




In 2019 I reported an inverted nipple, there was a small lump behind that

In 2023 I noticed breathlessness in January, by April I eventually got a chest X-ray. By June I was told the breast cancer had spread to my lungs.



Dude, I am sorry you have been made to feel this way. Reading your post is very upsetting. It does not matter who you are, breast cancer is breast cancer, don’t give a crap who you are. You suffer as much as anyone else. There are many of us who are here for you, especially for you guys, because it is such a rarity, not like you can just go down to the corner bar and have a talk with your buds. Nothing against them but they can’t relate. Please keep talking to us, we all need to support each other. God bless and good luck my friend.


This is Pat again. Just to add, maybe as a guy you can also give us different perspectives on things as women we do not see. So thank you.



I’ve been thinking of you whilst i’ve been out and about with the dog (Rosie).

The DIL obviously has a close bond with her siblings which i can understand. They have grown up doing everything together so to do something independently may seem strange. That i’d be curious to know if all the other SIL parents were excluded!

Your sons are unfortunately being typical blokes by not wanting to talk to you about your health and i’m not sure how you get past that.

Have you spoken to the DIL to explain the fact that time is precious and you want to spend time with your grand children so they have fond memories of you.

Not sure if you all live close together, ages, gender or interests but there must be something you could suggest even if its a trip to the cinema, pub for sunday lunch…

I’ll be passing Oldam soon on my way to Manchester airport. Do you fancy dog sitting?


Hello Patsrn

It’s funny you should use the pub/bar scenario, it doesn’t work at all, I can clear a pub in 5 mins. …It’s a complete conversation stopper. Now other cancers get a little bit if air time, but not Breast Cancer, most friends I had evaporated, one guy I’d known for 30 years crossed the road to avoid talking to me…

All that I’ve got used too , and yes at times I get down, but not often anymore. The new one is “How can you get Breast Cancer in your Lung”……I’ve sort of stopped explaining now,

Your right there are differences in terms of side effects due to gender, ie….i have hot sweats on and off all day, and mood swings , and I’m not on the change but I feel that way…lol

My 1st mastectomy scar still causes me issues from 2019, they say it’s because men have lest breast tissue but more muscles in that area,
Due to Covid I had 5 x 3 sessions instead of 15sessions
So it was done over one week instead of three……
It’s practically nuked my chest wall muscles, I’ve been on physio. For 12 months. ( it was paused for 5 months Beacause of a huge heamatoma……

They won’t remove it, “just live with it was a doctors advice “



Funny how when things get screwed up you just get kicked to the curb, huh?

1 Like

Hello Yorkshire-Tyke

So the DIL is very close with her sisters, and sadly the partners of the other two sisters have no relationship anymore with their parents . My DIL doesn’t like my wife , she’s never said it outright but states things clearly like “I’m his mother” referring to her son, our grandson when we say stuff like “ oh don’t be so harsh on him” she picks on our grandson, and our granddaughter her Princess can do no wrong….sigh :smiling_face_with_tear:

It’s started when they first got together, all three sisters got a boyfriend at the same time, then had a child, then a cat, then second child, then a dog, then the dogs were sold ( to much hard work) .

As for talking to the DIL, it would never happen, she’d sulk for a month and make our son’s life a living misery.

Your right re both Sons, I can’t force them to talk about my health, and maybe I should just stop fretting . I worry because should anything happen to me, will they help there mum? She’s aired here opinion that in later life they will stick her in a home.

Re asking them to do stuff with us, My nephew is 40 at the end of January, they get on well with him ….ive said we’ve been invited to surprise birthday party for him, DIL, said I’ve got no holiday because it’s all been booked for other holidays ( with her family)
Son said he can’t go on own because she’s working that weekend.
Other Son is off to watch Peter Kay
Family’s ye can’t pick ‘em, :cry:



Oh dear,

All i’ll say is there is nowt as queer as folk, and the DIL is raising a prima donna and will suffer for that in time.

Her behaviour does sound selfish and regarding you wife, it will be her choice (provided she remains mentally capable) as to when is the right time to go into care and to choose where she goes!

Spend you ungrateful childrens inheritance by doing what YOU enjoy with you wife.


I know something of how you are feeling. I went through the same the other day. Lonely, tearful, cross, etc etc and then a caterer came in. Not my usual carer. A stand in because one other was sick. Well that lady was just a person God sent in specially to me to remind me I was not alone and that I was loved. She had no idea of my circumstances before she came but God knew and that lady brought a smile to my face, love to my heart and a desire to fight another day. I thank God for people like that.
I pray you too will know the love and peace of God. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you when you are alone. He will.
I am still going through treatment and it is extremely tough but there are ones worse than me so it is one day at a time.



I’m really glad the stand in carer made you feel loved, my wife is a carer. I also worked in Social care for 27 years……anyone can be a career but sadly not everyone cares.

If you met a special carer you truly have been blessed. I hope she sees you again and brings you more comfort.
I don’t attend church myself that doesn’t mean that I don’t have any belief as I do. I believe I’ve already been blessed, in so many ways . I’m alive today that’s a blessing.

I have dark days, but like you I know there are people a lot worse off than me…

Thank you for your message

Take care of you