why do i look like this now, why did they not spot it after my first Cancer was took out, why why why. I told them it was growing so ~Why why why ha prob got less then 5 years to live now so WHY… had to get that off me chest so to speak ha… why
Hello jools4u
Sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time, can I suggest you telephone our free helpline on 0808 800 6000, line open again at 9.00 this morning.
best wishes
June, moderator
hi jools,
i am so sorry you are feeling so bad there’s nothing worse than feeling as though nobody is listening to you, you know your own body, then your life is full of what if’s but i know it is hard but once you start to talk and read what other people are going through hopefully you won’t feel so alone.
i have had cancer three times now and now it is definately incurable so i will just have to hope i get as much time as possible, i was 30yrs old the first time so i know what it feels like to be young with a young family too and the feelings of uncertainty this disease brings to your life but you just have to soldier on there’s nothing else for it. hope you feel better soon and keep talking it is good to get your feeling into perspective and get them of your chest.
love reneex
Hi Jools
you sound as though you are in a bad place right now - a place that a lot of us have been in. Please keep in touch so that we can try and help you out of that dark place. As Renee says, it is hard to feel you aren’t being listened to and so often we are right, because we know our own bodies. Many of us who have recurrences and secondaries have been in the position where we’ve had to fight the system in some way, including myself, so I promise you, there are lots of us to support you.
please keep in touch
much love, Monica xxx
Hi Jools, I remember it well. I was in my 30s and had been breasting feeding and found my original lump the size of a small pea. I knew it didn’t feel right and kept going back to the GP and was referred to the hospital. Mammograms showed up NOTHING and was told that all was ok. But I was not so sure and kept going back again and again…I began to think I was a hypercondriac.
A few years later when going to another GP about something totally unreated she suggested I go to get it checked out again. By this time the “pea” had disappeared, or so I thought, it had actually got bigger! An ultrasound showed I had a 5.5cm tumour! Horrible chemo followed to shrink the tumour, then a mastectomy and I was 39.
I had secondaries diagnosed in my bones 10 years ago and thought my life was at an end for the second time. BUT I am still here and I have just finished an 8 month course of chemo. Life has been hard. But it has been so precious too as I have been here to see my daughters grow up and enjoyed time with my husband.
I know you are in a scary place just now but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The scars do heal and fade. It is so sad that you have had to go through all this and I am so sorry for that… But the scars that cannot be seen are usually the ones that are harder to deal with. And that is where we come in coz we know what it is like. Please do scream and shout, cry and rage, and if you cannot sleep for worrying about the future come on to this site and you will see a few of us on the forum… even in the middle of the night! Love is being sent your way, love Val XX
Hi Jools
I hardly know what to say only I am so sorry. In the space of a week I was told I had breast cancer and would be having a full mastectomy to actually sorry you have secondaries in your bones so we wont be bothering with the surgery. I went through such a roller coaster of emotions but I look in the mirror and outwardly I am no different. Your picture shows the extent of what has happened to you and it must be so difficult for you. I am so sorry I wish I did know what to say that might help even a little.
Hope you can find some acceptance of where you are that might give you some calm
Julie x
Hi Jools, Can you let us know how you are feeling today. You sounded so upset and scared. We have been there and know what you are going through and REALLY want to know how you are today. It is hard but lots of us have felt what you are experiencing now. Thinking of you, love Val XX
Jools if you feel like getting in touch I would like to know how you are too
Julie
Hello Jools
I too am thinking about you and wondering how you are all doing xxx
Hi Jools
I can understand your anger. When I got home after my mx last year I screamed and shouted and called my surgeon all the names I could think of even though he is a lovely man.
Trust me; the scars fade. You will adapt. Life goes on. You will have happy times again.
Let all the anger come out - it is better than bottling it up.
Love and hugs
Maude xx
ps Please let us know how you are. We are all concerned about you. xx
Thank you all for your messages, i really did think no one would answer it, so while reading wot you all said i got all emotional and cried. I thank you all for that cos i feel much better now. x I tend to bottle things up, put on a face for family and friends but I really want to scream and shout while crying my eyes out.
The cancer came back in the scar, got an op three weeks ago to remove the scar with 1cm margins above and below the scar, but its come back again, so in next tuesday for the scar to be removed again. If this does not work I have to get a ‘flap’ operation.
I am a bit fed up as this will be my fifth operation, (lumpectomy, lumpectomy, mastectomy, scar removal,next tuesday another scar removal)
I feel like i am in self distruct mode as I drink and smoke too much and it feels like I am on a roller coaster. I want to stop smoking and drinking but the roller coaster is going to fast and i cannot get off it. I want to be doing things that help my body heal it’s self, but i am struggling to do this x
Love Jools x
Oh Jules, I am so sorry to hear that you are having such an awful time just now. but I am so glad you have taken the time to get back to us. Do not fret about the fags and booze. If it helps you just now then use it. Everyone needs a prop at times like this. I have had the flap done myself but I hope your next scar removal will solve the problem with you. We all understand how you feel and want to share carrying this load with you. It sounded like you needed to have a good cry. Please keep posting on hear. We do not mind if you sceam and shout…we have all done it. Lots of cyber hugs coming your way, love Val xx
hello Jools
like Val (scottishlass) I hope you’ll ease up on yourself about smoking and drinking and also that you’ll feel less that you have to be strong for other people. Like you I’m one to bottle things up, but I’ve found, since my bc recurred (June this year) that I have started to cry more and let my family support me - and that’s helped us all.
Lots of us on here DO want to share this load and hope you’ll keep posting and letting those feelings out - we have been or are going through similar experiences and understand where you are right now.
take good care and be kind to yourself
love and hugs from me too
monica xx
Hi Jools
Good that you have managed to scream and shout a bit, it can only help. Try not to be so hard on yourself. When you are ready you will be able to make the changes you want to make until then dont beat yourself up about it you have enough to cope with as it is.
Julie x
god jools you have been through so many ops its not surprising you wanna scream and shout and ball your eyes out and you are very entitled to do so… think we all would be doing the same in your situation.
as for drinking and smoking… now isnt the ideal time to give them up… if they are helping then go with it… you have plenty of opportunity to give them up when you are on the mend.
julie also it must have been a terrible time for you too to have gone through so much in such a short space of time.
much love lulu xx
Thank you all for your kind words x
I get my results from my 5th surgery this Monday to see if the margins are ok, and on Tuesday the staples are due to come out, i got twice as many staples this time, there are about 40. They dont hurt so i am not bothered.
I am full of fluid again, i get this prob afer ever op,my Hospital Doc drained it off, it looked like pure blood this time x it is normally clearish fluid. Breast nurse looked shocked but i had the (dead)blood stained fluid (that wot doc said it was)drained off after the 4th op and doc said it was normal so i am not worried.
I just feel like I have a water bottle under my skin, every time i move it swishes around making funny noises. If i dont need any more op’s (find out monday) then doc will drain it all off. If i have to hve another op, doc wants the fluid in as it stops my skin healing to chest wall and makes operations easier.
I hope the fluid does not leak again x the last op it bust through and i had powder blue pj’s on and it looked like i had been stabbed.
Nowt is ever straight forward with me. xxx
Jools x
Hi Again Jools, I was wondering how you were getting on. Will have all fingers crossed for you on Monday. I hope that you will not have t have any more operations as FIVE is way too many. You sound a bit less stressed now…or are you just getting your head round it now. I sincerely hope you have good results from now on. Let us know how it goes next week will you? Love Val X
Dear Jools - I’m really hoping and praying for good reults for you tomorrow. Please let us know how you get on.
loads of love
M x
Hi everyone xxx the test results are clear, they could not see any cancer cells in the skin from my last op, yipee. Though they say they cannot say i am cancer free, it is still good news.
julie x
that is wonderful, hope you are relaxing and enjoying the festivities
monica xx