Hi Karen and Debra
It’s awful when you are at a low as you can’t ever see yourself coming through this and then there’s the worry of the future. The big ‘what if…’. Try to fight 1 battle at a time. The 1 you are fighting now is reality and you are well into the process of kicking its butt! At the end of it you’ll start to get your life back and do nice things with your families ( and even enjoy food again!). The ‘what if…’ may never happen and will drain you of energy if you focus on that at the moment.
One thing that is helping me at the moment is research into what causes cancer and what I can do to prevent it coming back e.g. diet. It makes me feel more in control of my own future and less of a victim. There is a good website called ‘canceractive’ that tells you a bit more about this.
One piece of advice I will give, having seen my husband being diagnosed with MS and going through the fears and anxieties with him, followed by my diagnosis more recently, is talk to your husband. Major illnesses don’t just affect the person concerned, they affect the whole family and bottling things up can be worse for them as they are even more powerless to help you. It is upsetting for everyone but it is easier to get through with someone holding your hand.
Big hugs to both of you xx
Hi Angels,
A bit late but my 2 good things from yesterday - got back in my studio and made up a canvas for a commissioned painting, then one of my arty friends offered to send me a pressie of a pair of lovely ear rings she had made using the blue glass from a Bombay Sapphire bottle 
Today - morning coffee and lunch out - chemo again tomorrow so making the most of feeling ok today
I can recommend a very positive read covering things you might want to do yourself (in addition to any treatment) to live cancer free. The emphasis is on you having some control, and it focuses on diet, your environment and mental well being. It is called Anticancer - a new way of life by Dr David Servan-Schreiber - let me know what you think if you have read it or go on to read it.
Karen and Debra - hope that today is a better day for you both. It really does feel like a rollercoaster at times, and I hope it helps to share your feelings and find support here.
Also up for a get together.
Love to all, Carol xx
Hey Angels hugs to all of you who are suffering. I totally understand why you find it difficult to speak to children and husbands, I just get upset and mine don’t handle that well so it is easier not to discuss in detail with them and I am better to speak to others like all of you and new friends who are going through the same things as us. We all deal with this in our own way. Any time I mention I might not be here or I might get worse in future my husband will not discuss it does not want to hear it says it not going to happen and will not even talk about it.
Sorry to be a wee bit negative but I’m sure we have all had these thoughts.
Today I got my bloods and appt with onc to discuss rads I think, I’m going to ask about scans when all done to give me peace of mind prob know the answer already but worth asking I suppose.
On a lighter note good thing yesterday I had a lovely lunch with a new friend who is going through this with us home made bread and cakes lovely (hope she does not mind shop bought when she comes to me lol) Only other good thing I can think of is husband passed his test yesterday and is reauthorised for another 3 years at least he is working just now!
Love and hugs to all of you, have as good a day as you can take care. Lynn x
good morning angels
docetaxel day 8
i agree with all of you, i coulld sit down and cry sometimes, its taking over everyones life, not just us, its sad to watch all the heartaches - but - we’re all getting sorted, and in the great scheme of things its only a few months to get through, so today ive decided to not be a misery chops and get up off my jacksy instead of wallowing in self pity and side effects!! Actually, i did a bit of sewing and now i’m whacked again - but its the thought that counts isnt it?
karen - i know what you mean about not wanting to talk at the family, my OH is fed up with hearing me wittering on all the time, i think he just shuts off sometimes which drives me mad but i suppose thats his way. Thats why i like to be in here with you all, you listen and reply without fail.
so today is a new day, jog on with the recovery, back in the real world again, although a bit crappy, but making the best of it
my mission today is to drive to the shop and back without falling to sleep haha and return with a delicious cake or something.
Treat yourselves to some goodies, i think its the law!!
angie xx
Cycle 4 docetaxol day 6
Ive been reading your posts, it’s seems like a lot of us have it rock bottom at the moment. I spent most of yesterday in bed which is a first for me, the bone pain is awful, I’m taking paracetamol followed by ibuprofen every 2 hours. Plus some antihistamine tablets as I have a rash going all the way round my neck. I’ve just been in the bath which was wonderful, I just wish I had a body dryer like they have at theme parks in my bathroom, I can’t bare even getting dry. I think i know why we lose our hair during chemo.it’s cos you feel that bad and your hair would definitely look crap so it’s a blessing it falls out… One less thing to worry about. I actually went in morrisons yesterday with my bald head for a new thermometer… The dog had, had a chew of mine, I thought I had a temperature of 37.8 last night, anyway after a trip to local hospital and using there thermometer, I was fine.
ive just had my daughters school on the phone, she’s 15 and had gone in to school really worried I was going to die as I’d spent theday on the sofa, anyway, I will have a word with her tonight, iv just sent her a few text messages. It is hard on the rest of the family.
take care judy xxx
Fec 4 Day 15
Morning Angels,
Kim - Hope all went well yesterday.
Philomena - Up for a bash too. Needless to say can’t wait.
Lori - Really hope you feel better soon. On the home run sweetie. Hang on in there.
Angie - You too. Go get that burger with all the toppings then follow it up with the cake youv’e promised yourself.
Mamakaz & Debra - Praying that we all get through this. Hang on in there Angels. When you shut your eyes to sleep imagine us all meeting up cancer free, chatting, eating, drinking and dancing.
Mel A and CazP - Going to have a look at Anticancer and Canceractive. Thanks.
Three good things from yesterday. Went for tumor measure and they took ages to find it just a tiny 1.4cm around the marker. That’s over 3 quarter gone. Went for heart scan and the doc said all normal too.
Met a fellow BC patient friend and we went for a lovely lunch. She’s through the other side with hair growing back but undergoing radio therapy. She looked the picture of health and was really upbeat and lifted me no end.
Go to see oncologist tomorrow.
Take care of you. Have some sun if you can. Lv n Hugs Sandy. x
ECMF cycle 4 day6
Seems like we’re hitting a bit of a low point, angels. I’ve been reading, but after losing a couple of posts didn’t have the energy to do it all again- aaargh! I’ve spent last 3 days just about dragging myself from bed to sofa and back again, and had major weeping melt down on Monday. Absolutely exhausted and only getting 2-3 hrs sleep a night. Without sleep it’s easy to slip into a dark mood, so I’m knocking ths steroids on the head today, and just hope I can cope with the sickness!
So much said I can’t catch up, but here’s a few:
Angie- well done for even planning to leave the house- make it a big and extravagant cake and DON’T share it!
Philomena- I’m up for meeting up- nice to have something long term to aim for.
Sandy- so good to hear about the shrinking tumour 
Judy- My daughter is also 15, and I know she’s finding it all very difficult. Just the normal family routines falling apart are upsetting her. I try to tell her the practicalities, but nothing negative about the future. It’s hard to disguise being upset if I am, and I’m running out of places to hide! I did tell the school- spoke to head of year- as soon as I knew about chemo, just to keep them informed, and they’ve been great. Her head of year spoke to her briefly and gave her permission to leave lessons if she feels upset worried or just wants a chat, and go to see her. All her teachers were informed so that there would be no pressure or punishment if homework slips ( although she’s been great in this way). All very supportive without prying!! Hope your daughter feels better tonight 
It’s not always easy to talk to OH about it all- he’s working so hard at trying to keep all the balls in the air. Works long hours, managing teenagers, doing house stuff…I think the last thing he needs is me crying all over him- he gets it anyway !!!
Anyway, 2 good things:
yesterday my eldest came home from uni briefly for 2 days before going off to Greece and because I’m not at work I actually got to see him. hugs and very chatty about what he’s been up to- was great.
Sun is out- hoping to make it into garden today.
love to all
Mel xxx
Evening Angels,
So much to catch up on… Sorry to hear so many of you are suffering bad s/e, I think the tiredness makes us much more emotional.
Mel - glad you enjoyed some quality time with our eldest, such a tonic
Philomena - meet up sounds great, count me in
Judy - dog and thermometer you so make m chuckle. I still have a rash, take piriton but wake up with a red face in the morning. Hope your daughter is ok, sending you both big hugs
Carol - love the idea of earrings made fom the Bombay Sapphire bottle
Kim - belated birthday hope you had a fab day
Karen / Debra sending you both big hugs
Iam so tired today, managed to dance all through concert had to restrain the arm waving but Robbie was so worth it. On form as usual. Travelled back this afternoon so it was nice to have a couple of days away and the weather was good. Managed some retail therapy and a few cocktails so can’t be bad.
Apologies to anyone ive missed, ipad battery went as I was posting, wishing you all minimal s/e and big hugs xx
Hello Angels
Paclitaxol cycle 2 day 1 (already completed 4 cycles of AC)
The infusion today went without a hitch, arrived at 9am and left at 2pm. Have eaten a lovely bag of cadburys giant buttons and a salad (buttons first though!) and feel okay so far. My rash has been put down to being a SE and not a problem if it doesn’t cause a temp or me to feel ill - got to speak to ONC about it next Thursday if it comes back (well remains really as it has only faded rather than gone so far).
Two good things today - I won on the lottery, unfortunately only £2.40 so me and my OH retired on it for about a minute this morning but then had to go back to work! 
Second is I’m 75% of the way through my chemo - whoohooo!
Sorry to hear some are suffering bad SE’s this cycle, hope you start to get over the worst and life gets back to some form of normality soon. If the sun gets out maybe it will perk everyone up a bit again.
I know what you mean about OH’s taking the hardwork on Mel, my OH works from home as much as he can just to be around if I need anything but also to save his travel time as its a good 1 1/4 hours commute for him each way so saving that means he can do longer hours without feeling so tired but also he can take a lunch hour instead of the long commute to go out with me if I’m up to it.
Angie - did you get to the shop and get a cake? If so did you eat it all on your own or were you willing to share? I did share the chocolate buttons with my OH…which made his day! Small things please my OH!
Judy - hope you’ve managed to talk to your daughter and given her some reassurance. It must be hard for young children to watch their parents suffering and not being able to really do anything to help.
Great news on the ‘shrinkage’ Sandy, hope that means surgery will be easier once you get that far. I did laugh at the dog eating the thermometer - its a bit like the dog eating my homework isn’t it!
Mel - my ONC told me to reduce my steroids by 1 per day if I was feeling okay and keep taking the anti-sickness tabs as the steroids do help with sickness but they aren’t the main thing for it. Good luck with the reduction and hope you are okay.
Hope everyone has a better night tonight and onwards and upwards tomorrow
Kate
x
FEC cycle 4 day 10
Evening Angels, just been catching up on all the posts and can see we are all hitting the wall to varying degrees. It is indeed a hard road to travel.
i thought I would share my experience with you all ( I will plead chemo brain after???).
I started my nurse training in 1977, before some of you were born, and it was only during my training that I had anything to do with breast cancer as I went on to specialise in kidney transplants and dialysis and then primary care (male). In those daye women with breast cancer had one of two treatments! Either a mastectomy or a radical mastectomy, and in my hospital everyone went on Tamoxifen, it was a new wonder drug. Pathology had no way of knowing what type of cancer you had or how aggressive it was. The surgery was more akin to butchery as there were no breast surgeons and most of the surgeons thought they were gods. The radiotherapy was hit and miss, chemotherapy was in the very early days. I can remember in 1980 actually making up the IVs myself with the mix sent up from pharmacy. Doctors were convinced that cancer was random and refused to believe it could be inherited!No mammograms or ultrasound , MRI, CT scan or PETT scans either.
My mother discover a lump in her breast in 1980 and went to her GP who told her to pull herself together and that she was imagining it! Fortunetly she was also a nurse in A&E and knew the surgeons and asked one of them if he would check her out. This was on a Tuesday, she was given a needle biopsy that day, confirmed as cancer the following day and had a radical mastectomy on the Friday followed by 5 years of Tamoxifen. My Mum survived to age 86, but many of her friends diagnosed at the same time did not.
Now Im not trying to give you my family history, but during those dark old days there were many people who fought tirelessly to bring breast cancer to the forefront of people awareness. People dedicated there lives to the care and treatment and research of this crap disease and now we are here in 2013 and can reap the benefit of all these people’s hard work.
we have a 14 day referral system, surgeons who care about how we look after treatment, oncologists streamlining out treatments to each individual. Breast care nurses who look after us, oncology nurses, chemo nurses, pharmacists, secretaries, admin staff, volunteers… So many people whose sole job is to get us through this crap journey as well as possible. Protocols are being reviewed all the time to ensure things get better. The giant drug companies invest billions in finding new forms of treatment to cure this awful disease, some people feel they charge far to much for there treatments but it costs one hell of a lot of money to develope these. My brother works for Canon in research and development in Oz and he is working on the world first soft tissue X-ray, which would be particularly helpful in the diagnosis of breast cancer ( and no more of the dreaded mammograms ).
so what I am really trying to say is we have one hell of a lot going for us, regardless of the crap diagnosis. One day at a time and one problem at a time. Things will get better and next year at our get together we will be able to laugh about this rubbish time we are going through.
we will get through this Angels xx
Well documented Philomena, my Aunt was diagnosed around the same time as your mum (she was 47, the same age I am now) but unfortunately didn’t survive as long, she died in 1991 after the breast cancer spread to her bones. Her treatment was no way as good and focussed as mine but that’s 30 years research and development. Luckily the last family get together was our wedding which we brought forward due to my OH’s ship sailing on the original date. If we hadn’t brought it forward by 2 months she wouldn’t have made it! Some things in life happen for a reason and that was one in mine.
There are still some doctors/consultants that don’t understand how to ‘treat’ people as humans with feelings rather than a number, my first breast surgeon was one of them but there are many others who are brilliant, I have 3 now, breast surgeon I moved to, cosmetic consultant and ONC who I know are doing the right thing for me through all this and I hope that after I leave treatment this year I don’t have to meet 2 of them ever again. The cosmetic surgeon (best looking of all 3!) I will see for further surgery and I’m sure he will make me look as good as possible - maybe even better than before if I’m lucky!
Kate
x
Philomena - Thankyou!
When times get rough it is so easy to lose sight of the positives and you have summed this up perfectly.
I found it ironic to be diagnosed and have my body filled with cyto-toxic material as in my previous job I was part of a clinical trials team and we used to prepare, pack and ship this material all over the world in tremendous quantities. Thing is I never for one moment expected to be taking it myself but we are certainly blessed due to all the hard work in research & development (which I am proud to have played my tiny little bitty part in) that these drugs are available to us.
I think we have a fantastic network of women on this site who like you have managed to say the right thing at a time when so many of us need just a little bit extra encouragement.
I sincerely hope that one day we can all meet up it would be such a shame not to meet you all!!
My two good things today…managed to get out of house, OH took me out for my first proper meal this week and feel like I am turning a corner with the SE’s!!!
Hope others have had a good day too.
Love Lori x
i.hello angels, i am katiepops angiepops daughter, i try to keep up with all your posts i like to know whats going on , I am 23 so abit of a difference to those of you with daughters that are 15 but i just wanted to give you an insight into how all this makes me feel as a daughter watching a mother go through it. i want to know everything thats happening maybe becuase im so far away ( i live in england, mum in scotland) it makes me feel useless to be honest, ive never minded mum being so far away until now. i wish i could be round the corner so i could be there every step of the way, if i could i would have liked to have been there on the good days and the bad, i wud rather mum ring me up crying , being fed up and scared than for ger to go it alone, mums oh isnt so good with situations like this so must be hard to maybe feel you cant talk to people i hope she does tell me the truth and not hide things, but then agen im quite nosey e.g always checkin up on her posts on here! your all doing fantasticallly well, and the bad days are expected and understandable, just look at what your all dealing with! who in the world could go threw all this without a few bad days? its all worth goin threw to get u all better, i hope you dont mind but i want to join in with the 2 good things , mine is losing 1 and a half pound at slimming world this week and i bought some of them cooling packs for lunch bags for wen me and freddie my son travel up to scotland to meet mum, ur all such brave women im sure all ur familys are proud xxxx
heres a little song i wrote,
you mite want to sing it note for note,
dont worry, be happy
Katiepops - are you going to be able to pack a few burgers from the market near you that your mum was craving? Are you living in Yorkshire still? Hope you manage to glean some good info on your mum from here, she has a great sense of humour and makes us all smile and laugh regularly so I’m sure she’ll get through the bads days and back onto some good ones soon - at least they’ll be good when you get there whatever happens chemo wise!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and song!
Kate
x
hi kate i live in nottinghamshire never lived in yorkkshire but went quite abot to visot nana, im gettin on a coach on a monday night, arriving inverness on the tuesday, mums at hospital on the tuesday in inverness so im gunna meet her in the maggie center ( cnt wait looks amazing) and when shes done im buyin her a macdonalds and were gunna pig out, then back on coach up to mums and day after shes got chemo so ill be there for the next cycle, i no we will have a good time reguardless of the chemo looking forward to it and the macdonalds
Katie, sounds like a great plan, although MacDonalds burgers are not my thing, I prefer homemade ones but as long as your mum enjoys it that’s the main thing. The Maggies centre sounds lovely, my nearest is in London so I haven’t ventured there yet but might do between chemo and rads.
Hope the journey isn’t too hard, sounds like a long time to be on the bus, especially with a small child!
Kate
x
16 hr 45 min me and freddie poppy will have a mint time xxx
Loved your post philomina puts things into perspective had a great meeting with onc today put my mind at rest for a while x
so thats what happens when you go to sleep - daughter pops in! 