Karen, big cyber hug coming your way.
I put my head in the sand and hide from the scarey bits cause I know I would just go into meltdown. I think we are all acutley aware of how this crap impacts on those that we love and not being in control to protect them. I wish I had the answer for you. I start my injections tomorrow and I’m not looking forward to the headaches. With your little chap maybe find something like a wig to brush or scarves to make, let him paint your toenails (messy but what the heck!!)
I wish I had the magic answer for you.
Be nice to yourself
love Kat xx
Hi All, Yes, afraid I’ve had a bit of a trip into the dark, dark woods as well (read the Benchland thread and you’ll understand).
Can’t believe how much of a rollercoaster this whole thing is - and if I can’t believe it after 5 years then there’s not much hope is there? Wednesday was good: good results and I was told I would get a clinic appointment this week, so I decided that I would be able to go to Scarborough with my friend and our small boys for a couple of days after all, and even thought that the family holiday might be on again. Thursday: was phoned and told to attend clinic on Friday, so decided to be very pro-active and ask whether chemo could be postoned for 3 weeks so I could really enjoy the holiday. Friday: was told that I had to start chemo asap and that the onc. wanted me to get the first cycle out of the way before his (yes, his) holiday. So came home resigned, but disappointed. Then Friday evening I was having a poke around the surgery site and the area which has been covered by dressings for the last six weeks and found another lump. So, in short, had a bit of a meltdown weekend. I’m due in at 0900 tomorrow for my PICC line, but am assuming they will want to look at the lump before they do anything, so really not sure what they will propose.
I agree how difficult it is with time scales, Karen. My friend came over this morning to bail me out and was talking about taking the boys to Scarborough next Easter and what fun we would have, yet all I can think of at the moment is how our summer holidays are being buggered up for the second time in 5 years and how much we have all got to get through before we even get to the end of the year. When I’m feeling more rational I keep thinking how I got through it last time and I will this time, and how my surgeon is actually more upbeat this time than he was last, but it doesn’t really help when you’re lost in those dark, dark woods.
I will now go away and eat the prawns which have just been presented to me.
Virtual hugs all around. Sorry for the gloom xx
Hi Karen I just came onto the website to have a rant and your post so made sense to me. I have tried being positive but I am feeling so sick and ill that I don’t have the energy and there seems to be nothing but negative scarey stories around at the moment. Had my 3rd Fec on Tuesday last and haven’t been further than downstairs since. Woke up at 2 oclocl with unbelievable heartburn and nausea plus bloated stomach and headache. Difficult to feel positive when you feel so ill. I do know exactly how you feel as the secondaries fear is so very real. It is almost as if what is the point!! Sorry this is not much of a comfort but I just wanted to reach out and say you are not alone and hopefully we will feel a bit more upbeat soon.
benedictus - my heart goes out to you at the worry of it all. I am sure the Oncs know what they are doing but it does not stop the fear. Hugs and positive vibes for you Jayneyxxx
Hi ladies, you all sound so down sending you all virtual hugs, I often feel like this too, can’t go there to much or I don’t know if I’d get out of bed. Karen it’s so hard with children and trying to explain mine are older but I still find myself hating this dx because of what it does to them more than what it does to me, I don’t have any answers expect we are all facing our demons and going through this horrible treatment for them, one day we will look back and be so glad we did this.
i was speaking to my bc n regarding negative stories and she said they are the only ones that make the news, they sell the newspapers. That’s true really they don’t go around listing everyone that’s out the other side, they like drama, so try and remember that , I’m a fine one to talk I know but it’s true.
benedictus, I have lumps where I’ve had 2 wles and ANC but been told tissues been moved around quite aggressively and developing scar tissue so fingers crossed its that, you’ve had dressing on for 6 weeks so its all new to you, hope all is ok, this disease changes all our plans is so depressing but a year from now you will have a fab holiday bookefind be fit in mind and body to rock and roll !! Chin up girls our August group rely on you to keep keep us going to, hope we can help you, have relaxed evenings all of you with any se’s resolving xx
Cycle 1 FEC-T, day 3
Good afternoon ladies. I’m so sorry everyone seems to be feeling really down this afternoon. I have no doubt that the durgs (or even drugs) play a major part in how we feel. I’ve not started the steriod jabs, so not looking forward to any of that judging by the above comments, but the steroids that I am taking orally are making me feel really good. Obviously it’s too soon for anything horrid to hit me, but I’m waiting, waiting, waiting. And that seems to be the thread running through this cr*p journey we’re all on. Waiting for dx, waiting for surgery, waiting for chemo, waiting for SEs.
The way I’m planning on dealing with this, famous last words, is today I feel fine and that’s good enough. Tomorrow if I feel cr*p, I will try and think to myself that the next day might be better. I shall try and live in the moment and not look too far ahead. I’m not making any plans for anything other than a couple of theatre trips already booked. My life is on hold, but I am lucky. I can do that. My step children are 18 and 21 respectively and live with their mother. My parents (both in 80s) live with us and their horizons have shrunk considerably in the last two years. So apart from them and my darling OH I don’t have to consider anyone else. Not really. And my friends totally understand. I do appreciate that so far I have been very lucky.
Which is lovely for me but I really wish I could pass my sense of acceptance on to everyone who’s dealing with so much worse than I am. I keep thinking this is the calm before the s**t storm hits, and possibly it is. And so we’re back to waiting again.
I have the biggest pile of ironing I’ve ever seen waiting for my attention. Luckily the steroids will mean that I can probably zip right through it,so I’ better crack on.
Really I don’t feel that anything I’ve said will help anyone, but for those having their first session in the next few days, the anticipation was worse than event. Your chemo nurse will answer any questions you may have and will make you feel as good as you can about what’s happening to you. Fear of the unknown is so debilitating. But once you’ve done the first one you will know what to expect next time. Having the PICC line made it so easy for me, so if they haven’t offered it to you, it may be worth asking if you can have one for the next round.
Sorry, war and bl**y peace again. Blame it on the fact that I can type 100 wpm! Hope all who are in a dark place emerge into the light tomorrow.
Sorry chezapp just seen your question. Steriod injections haven’t started yet. Tuesday. So watch for the grrrr posts thereafter. xx
Hi ladies, after 1st EC tues, felt ok wed, since then have felt so sick everyday, really getting to me now, have been sleepin in the day too, so totally out of it, thought I would feel better by now
Just when you thought she’d finished … I’m also going to take advantage of some psychiatric help which my hospital offers cancer patients. Just because I think I’m coping OK doesn’t mean I am. See you tomorrow. Sweet dreams and minimal SEs to all. Good luck to everyone starting next week. Have I already said this? Blame it on the steroids! xx
Karen I feel exactly the same. Im not even over this one yet and Im already worried sick that it will come back and no matter what I do I wont be able to stop it. I beg God every night not to take me and to let me see my two babies grow up.
6 weeks ago I had what I perceived to be the perfect life, decent fella, 2 beautiful boys and my health. I felt blessed and then from nowhere this came along and I no longer can think about growing old with my husband and watching my kids go to uni etc.
I want to just go somewhere and scream and throw things and ask why
Hi ladies, I haven’t posted on here much but I had ec 11 days ago and have literally had every side effect imaginable 
I am hoping that by the time I have my next cycle I will be able to take medicine and things to avoid this all happening again. i didn’t get on with the cold cap so I’m expecting my hair to fall out any day now - anyone know when this usually starts to happen?
Thanks.
I think I could use some counselling too, really lost it with the family today. My 16 year old daughter has had anorexia since 13 and I put my life on hold to support her, as any mother would. Have also financially supported my family as the main bread winner forever. Now I’ve got BC - they say the right things but actually do nothing. Daughter still self obsessed and throwing histrionics constantly, husband still enjoying life of Riley. Is it selfish to wonder at what point exactly are they going to make a sacrifice anywhere on the scale of mine (and you ladies). Oh I feel bad even saying this out loud as I do love them but I feel, I suppose resentment ? They are just carrying on as normal. Anyone else’s family relations suffering? Xxx
Tash I just want to give you a big hug. Your hubby is probably burying his head in sand like most fellas but I bet when you arent there he does his crying. He will think he has to stay stoic for you.
Lottie with EC hair loss is meant to be two to three weeks after you start it
Thanks chez. I know he so wants to help, but saying you want to help and actually getting off your bum and doing something to help are different aren’t they. I guess I’m just “unreasonable pre chemo psycho bitch” right now
lottie hows your cystitis?
xxx
Hi to all of you, Just wanted to pop over from Amazing August to send you big hugs and Loving thoughts to you all, am aware you are all really suffering tonight and I know we haven’t reached this stage yet but know you will be supporting us when it is our turn, it sounds ghastly for you all and to you too Tasha for what you are currently going through and don’t blame you for ranting currently. Please if I can do anything for any of you, please let me know, am here for you all xx
We’re all going through it so i feel bad ranting; wondered if anyone else was as irritable with their friends and family or any tips for staying calm?! X
Hi Tasha, it’s slowly improving. Those tablets arrived today so I am starting them too. Thanks again for the recommendation xx
this is all so unfair, its breaking my heart reading all the shit going on in peoples lives, why is life so cruel xxxx
Julie a question Ive just put on the August post why does S**t happen to good people???
THink am being well and truly tested by the big Guy. Well enough is enough come on now give us all a bloody break!
So wish I had a mega bloody magic wand! So sorry to hear the pain and stress coming through today, these feelings WILL pass, chez, tash your both going thru such emotions at moment anger is natural, things that we usually allow to pass over our heads are growing into mountains. Stop trying to be superwomen, and just for now be bloody selfish if you have to, I’m afraid my poor OH went thru absolute hell and to be honest I haven’t been a very nice person to be around the last couple of months, but I am trying now to be a bit more amicable, it isn’t fair, we don’t deserve this, it didn’t “choose” us , and yes it is going to test us, we have to get that mind set that it WILL NOT BLOODY BEAT US , God I get so angry to hear the pain some of you are going through X
thanks Lynda x
I feel just the same Chezzap. I’m in my twenties and feel like life has been put on hold. I’m getting married early next year - never imagined getting married in a wig and at the moment I can’t even imagine having the strength to walk down the aisle