Hi Ladies,
The joys… lots of ups and downs it seems for everyone.
i had my 4th and final Abraxane and Carboplatin at a reduced rate 80% and 90%. On Wednesday. Since coming home I haven’t moved from bed. Slept for most of it. Burning pains that come and go in my feet and legs have started, nausea despite Emend and ondansatron, not been for a ?despite Allbran.
Will be be in touch again when I feel like a human xxxx
Tonight I’m going out in a bright red wig !
Starfire hang on in there. It’s the last one. You can do this ??? Get aboard the raft and we will all look after you ?
Aliand I am strapped to the raft no worries.
please post a pic of the red wig! Have a good one x
Oh Jamesy, that’s pants! Glad you are home now ?
Aliand that looks awesome! And yeah, I won’t get a good week, maybe a good day each week if I’m lucky. However, I’m still getting a dicky tummy and no taste from the T I had over 2 weeks ago!
Well done on getting through your last chemo Rosie!!
Rest up Starfire, and well done ?
I managed to go to work today! It was nice to get out of the house and see all my work mates. Told my manager about the change in my treatment plan and that it will probably mean I’ll be off for the foreseeable future. They’re cool with that tho, it’s more me that will miss it ?
With my wig on after Look Good Feel Better session ?
Jamesy glad you got home.
Amy and Aliand looking good 
Starfire sorry your final round is proving another tough one - hope the SE lift soon
Rosie, glad you are on your way back to the land of the living. I feel like I should be feeling happy about the change as my life can get back to normal sooner but to be honest I feel a little odd about the whole change of plan mainly as my Onc spent so long explaining why I needed the rads 3 weeks ago so I’d kind of convinced myself I would have to do them even with the associated risks and now its not even an option. He said the team were really split on what should be recommended but in the end all agreed that hormone therapy and chemo should hopefully be enough (did not really appreciate the word hopefully but I have to trust the experts). I will only see the Oncologist one more time now at the end of May after chemo is complete so I’m not even seeing anyone before my last FEC, guess they think I should have no issues Its a bit like my safety blanket has been removed - if you know what I mean,
I’ve officially hit rock bottom today physically and emotionally. I’m fighting to grasp onto tiny fragments of positivity. My body feels used up, tired, almost crippled… something like a very old person who has led a full life…not 47. It hasn’t bothered me being bald and feeling ugly until today… I looked into the mirror and saw the face of someone I only recognised in a distant memory, a person before all this started just over 8 months ago. Even that person was tired and struggling with MD and grief of different kinds, what I am now is a something not a someone. My husband has become obsessed with cycling since my lump was discovered. He rides for an hour every night in the house whilst I lie in bed hoping for better days. He is constantly looking at a tablet or phone, connecting with anyone but me. I feel guilty for my daughter whose 5th year of life has been tinged with stress and worry, I feel guilty because I can’t look after her and be the Mummy I was before, with dreadlocks and full of love and always the best Mummy I could be. Now I can’t be the the best Mummy or wife that I can be because I feel so tired and scared and need all my energy just to carry on.
Lots of love to all xxx
Oh starfire 
Everything you are feeling is totally normal , we are not the people we were before and it sucks big time , I have days when I feel yes I’ve got this , then I have days when I wonder wtf did I do to deserve this , how am I ever going to have some kind of life ever again ? Who will ever want me again ? Am I destined to spend the rest of my life alone ? I think of my lovely husband and wonder what he would think or say if he could see me now , how would he cope ? How would we cope as a couple ? So many questions all the time , all we can do is take one day at a time , one moment at a time , this is one of the worst time in our lives ( I’ve had worse ) and it’s sometjing that we have to do , and we can do it , even if it feels like we can’t x
Take care my lovely you are and always will be a lovely mommy xxx we got this xxxx ???
Hang in there honey. Things will get better for you brave lady xx ?
Starfire how amazing that in the depths of despair you reach out to us. Having a bad day like this or even a bad week is ok. You don’t have to be brave or handle it well everyday so for now have a wallow. But you will get through this.
I found someone on twitter today and read her story on Instagram wigsforheroes. Look her up on Instagram she has shared a video diary of herself at breaking point. It’s very touching and an example of how anyone can hit rock bottom. But once you are there remember the only way is up. (In the words of Yazz !)
As for not being the best mummy, I know we all feel that. I’ve got kids sitting A levels and GCSE’s this year. I’m really fearful that my cancer will interfere with them not doing well. And my poor younger boy is spending hours in front of the x box instead of me taking him out to do things. I feel bad too. But I just hope he will look back and see how his Mum beat cancer then carried on being that great Mum again.
Your daughter is young and this will be a short memory because you are going to beat this and then create the most wonderful childhood for her. And when she grows up she will tell other people how amazing you are.
Cling on to the raft we’ve got you xx
Thankyou for sharing starfire. I’m not sure if it helps but I too have had these exact feelings this week. This has been my lowest to date, and I feel like an empty shell of the person I was 8 mths ago. Even looking back at old photos made me sad because those happy times feel like a distant memory.
I will admit this week I sought help from the Macmillan helpline, as I found myself waking up weds and Thurs actually frightened of the day ahead. I was waking in the night willing the night time calm to last that little bit longer which scared me a lot. Even found myself laying in bed for half an hour contemplating exactly how badly I needed to wee and if I actually had the energy to go.
Having said all that, today (day 6) I feel something is lifting again. I still feel broken, exhausted with my thrush filled mouth and my skinny pasty body, but i think ive turned a bit of a corner - as will you my lovely lady.
It’s frightening how chemo can take you to the depths of despair…but we can get through it. We have to get through it. It’s tough to see our babies become stressed through our treatment…but we have to fight on for them. This is only temporary…its f€k¥&g hard as hell and a living nightmare at times but it’s temporary…life will resume soon xxx
Hi Starfire, I hope everyone’s messages have helped and that you are feeling better today. I also have a 5 year old daughter and have at times worried about how all this might affect her. But it is such a short time compared to the rest of their lives, and at 5 they don’t really understand the full implications of what’s happening (unless you explained that to her?), which I think is a small blessing.
I hope you get through this awful time soon and then that will be you done with chemo - keep that in mind, you’re almost there!! xx
Hi ladies. Can I ask a question 're neuropathy? Just the last couple of days I have noticed a very mild very slightly numb feeling in the soles of my feet and some tingling in the tips of my fingers. It’s not painful, but I guess I’m a bit concerned. having read some of your previous posts in wondering if it might be the start of something. So I guess 1) should I see how it goes and speak to my Onc when I see him a week Wednesday? 2) should I call my Onc tomorrow and discuss?
Thank you ladies for your support. I’m still drowning today but with the aid of bright pink arm bands x
CT just to echo what starfire has said let the team know as soon as possible they don’t like taking risks wth neuropathy its the reason I’ve had to go back to FEC as the risk is lower - take care xxx
My beautiful, amazing ???brilliant January swimmers and raft ladies For you all, it’s about this time in the journey you can start to feel like you’ve lost you, please remember it’s only when you catch sight of yourself in the mirror you don’t see you, but you are still you, still strong, still amazing, still brilliant mums, daughters, sisters, cousins, partners. I don’t know if it’ll help but try and put your makeup on everyday, it does help you to still glimpse you in the mirror and my ???ladies you are nearly there, you too glamour puss aliand, loved that wig and story you made me ???and Amy, that wig looks blooming fantastic ???just to let you know I’ve purchased a wind machine to blow that raft to the shore and get you all safely onto the golden beach where a nice ??will be waiting ??
Shi xx
Starfire ? im finished treatment now back in January went through surgery chemo and rads my chemo journey was full of problems 3 hospital stays allergic to dox then into Abraxane, your post made me really emotional wanted to reach out and tell you i was once where you are atm, i remember that day well when i didn’t feel like me anymore, please stay positive you are stronger than you will ever know, im 47 too and remember thinking that day, i can’t take this anymore who are you looking back at me? but im now on the other side of it all i cannot begin to tell you all in fact, how much different you look and feel, i now have curly thick hair still short but very much there, no more swollen chemo face etched with the emotional and physical pain of it alll, my brows and lashes are back and i look like me again but a wiser stronger version, my new healthy diet makes me feel good and im getting plenty of exercise now in form of walking and most importantly im beginning to smile and laugh again it has been a tough and difficult time time as you all will know BUT you will begin to feel again like you, sooner than you might think stay strong all of you and Starfire sending you ? keep it up ladies ???
Just to add you are all doing really well sending you all my best wishes x
Ladies , I know we’re all feeling really really down at the moment , but I thought I’d pass on a bit of a tip , there is a site called wig bank , they sell new and used wigs , I’ve jist had a new one delivered it’s fron Rene of Paris , brand new I’m box , £30 , I now have 3 . This one is so much like my normal hair and colour I popped it straight on and it lightened my mood straight away , other than my scars and Hickman it looked like me looking back through the mirror and gave me a positive vibe for today x
Shocked, let’s get those Wonder Woman pants pulled up and any seaweed that’s dragging your pants down out the way, hop up on the raft so extract the seaweed for a few days, nip into jamsey a wig bank and treat yourself to new wig, I think you should all treat yourselves to another wig, think I was on about my 8th purchase of a wig by this point in the ???that we had in October. Can you see your Sunbed’s on the ? you should be able to make them out, me, starfire, mishy (my beautiful friend who looked after us Oct ladies too) are putting them out and the umbrellas up ready for you and starfire trying them all out for size ???Shi xx
