Also…I do agree with the burying my head in the sand comment . …
But then I think, what use am I to anyone in this state?
I go to bed and think, pray for a realistic age to leave my son, what age can a boy cope with no one? My mum is terminally I’ll, who will look out for him? He’ll be too old to be in the system, but be left alone. I know I’m high risk, had cancer in lymph nodes, family history of cancer, how do you look at your little man and know you are probably going to leave them here alone in the next few years…
Well Lou I was just going to go into detail about a cracking pizza I had on Friday night, spicy beef, jalapeños etc, then your second post came up and I got waylaid ?, some may think my attitude is blasé, and that’s fine by me, but I can assure you it’s not, having lost my little sis to sbc 6 years ago next week I’m well aware of what could maybe happen, but I tend to think about what probably won’t happen, no one has the exact day we are going to leave this funny little planet, and obsessing and worrying about how, when and where it will be is a complete and utter waste of life, so I refuse to do it, as I’ve said many times before I really will probably end up croaking it with my husband driving, who’s to say what family and friends will go first, second, last!! We just don’t know, so try and chill a bit and read a book before sleep, have a large pizza, glass or 2 of vino and relax, ooh and I’m having lunch with the girls tomorrow so I’ll let you know what I had after ??? xxx Sam
Hey Sam!! 
Thanks so much! I’ve given myself a slap, put the brown bag for deep breathing in the bin! This has been my worst week! Keep getting completely panicked, think is coming to terms with it all in a weird way…
I’ve always been adament I won’t leave him, but I’m thankful I have him or there would be no reason to try or want to stay.
So time for bit of cheesy music “shake it off”…
Now what shall I plump up my bum with for tea later 
xxxxx
P.s. I hope you all drink too much and have some fun antics to share xxx
Roger that Lou! We’ll do our best!! 
???xxx
Hello Sunbeams, so good to read your posts, you pulled me up again - as you always do… off to the family history clinic tomorrow with my eldest daughter, such a stressful time. We are ready to get on with genetic testing now. Gonna take head out of sand and get the facts. PaulS - do come back, I miss your wise and kind words. Lou, how lucky your son is to have such a caring mamma and so sorry to hear that your own mum is terminally ill, that is just a crock of sh** as they say. Love to all of you, let’s keep on posting, Anna
Wow Paul’s that’s amazing fundraising!! I like the idea of it going to Macmillan and your local Maggies, it’s a great way of giving back!!
I’m off to bed now, oh to not feel so tired lol, so good to have you back where you belong!!! Lots of love to you all xxx Sam ???
Ah that’s better, you are back with us PaulS! So pleased! and champion fundraising by you and your mates, that is amazing.
Den - hope you are not too stressed about painful boob, glad you have an appointment soon. Let us know how you get on, what a worry.
Went with my daughter to family history clinic (she was referred by GP). It was an emotional appointment, but good to meet another consultant surgeon. Her message was that it’s very important to reduce stress levels and work on wellbeing. She’s not saying that stress CAUSES breast cancer, of course it doesn’t, but stress can compromise the immune system, and as PaulS says, this is not good. That’s an important message - we absolutely need to enjoy ourselves. Exercise, laugh, grow courgettes, eat delicious things, knit horrid blankets, see friends…anything that floats your boat and makes us happy. I need to get a gene test done, to see if I’m carrying anything nasty … am relly keen to get on with it now, hope my clinic refers me, it has to be done at a large centre, we are too small here. Anyone else doing the gene testing? We are all coming up to the one year mark. Aren’t we amazing?? Good luck everyone with upcoming appointments, mine’s in July. Lots of love, and great to see you back PaulS. XXXXX
I had gene testing done in December (thankfully no nasty genes for me) I had to be referred by my doctor and not the hospital which I thought was strange . I had already opted for a double mx so the results wouldn’t have changed my mind what op I was having. I felt I needed to know if I was a carrier as I have three daughters. Good luck with yours Anna xx
Oh PaulS, how cruel life can be. But as Pam says, please try not to take the ‘what if’ train… my heart goes out to you, you’ve had it so tough. That holiday is just what you need. You can stand still, take stock and do some serious pampering!
I think it’s just Braca they look for, but I may be wrong. Wish the clinic would get back to me. But as we all know, the gene-linked Bc only make up a tiny proportion of cases.It’s all such a mystery still, totally random. Beautiful sunshine here, have been meaning to get out and about in it but have watched tv all afternoon instead. Like other Sunbeams, I am very, very knackered and get pooped by the smallest thing. Don’t think it’s sinister, just the joys of being in my fifties. Just thinking about paulS and Sam exercising makes me exhausted. But it is the end of term, and I alwaus grind to a halt at this time of year, falling asleep on the sofa every evening. Stay positive Beams, hope you are making lovely summer plans. Anna 
Hello Sunbeams, good to hear that you’re back at work Pam, good on you!. I found it v tough at first, but was v proud of myself. Glad the boob is OK Den, but pain from scarring is horrible. I’ve got it too, and I have to say that boob is really rather a ‘work in progress’ awaiting the magic skills of a plastic surgeon…
Beaming all of you happy vibes, hope everyone’s doing just fine. Love Anna
Hi Pam, I’m so sorry to head about the lump. Is it the same breast or the other one? At my review yesterday I was told that lumps are common as it can be fluid or scar tissue but I do know you will worry until you see the surgeon and get it checked. Here they get us back 12 months after surgery, and mine was last July and August, so that’s 12 months for me. I found a lump at the top of my arm but it is apparently fluid build up because the breast has no lymph nodes and not draining in the same way it used to. Ironically I felt it because I was doing the massage they suggested to help avoid lymphodema. This is so hard isn’t it. Keep in touch and let us know what happens at your appointment. Warmest regards. P xx
Hello Beams, hope you are all well. Den - I’ve got pain in my mx scarring, and am awaiting the magic touch of a plastic surgeon - but not until next summer. Pam - another lump? cysty one? that is horrible for you, hope appointment goes OK to get it checked out. PaulS - I’m totally knackered too. Always am at this time of year! Have been pottering at the allotment and falling asleep whenever I sit down for long enough! . I was diagnosed 2nd July, and my check up is the week after. I think they’ll be mammo-ing the remaining boob, and apart from that, I don’t know what they will be doing. I’ve been a rigt baby about examining it, I seem to have developed a real aversion to touching it, which isn’t very helpful and quite bonkers. It’s going to be a heatwave next week apparently, enjoy the weekend, love Anna 
Hey Den - plastic surgeon will remove the temporary implant and swap for a permanent one. Hope he’ll make a new ‘pocket’ for it too, as my muscle is v short and the temp boob (also known as the butternut) sits very high. It’s all a bit bunched up too. Can’t stay as it is. As luck would have it, I’ve also got to have a whopping great lipoma taken off my tummy too. Apparently they can turn cancerous, so off it comes. Our family is plagued with them! Love Anna
Hello Beams, hope you are all doing well, enjoying the fabulous weather and getting on with nice, normal stuff. Haven’t got any news to tell, but thought I’d check in to say hi, and wish you all well. One year since all this sh** started … can you believe it?
Bestest wishes, Anna
Den and Pam - let us know how you get on. What s worry for you! BUT lady I went through this with found new lumps and it was not the cancer back - one was scar tissue and the other a cyst. Keep on the right track if you can. P xx
Good luck Den and Pam, thinking of you… waiting for results is so stressful, sending you lots of love, Anna
Lovely. We are stronger than we think . Px
Phew Pam, what a relief! Hope your results are good Den …all of us must be heading off to our 1-year check ups. For me, that’s a mammo on the remaining breast but I don’t know what else. I agree, one never knows until the actual appointment! Ditto getting on much better with Tamoxifen, no more hot flushes at night, last night being the exception, after 3/4 bottle of rose wine. Good luck everyone, hope all’s well, love Anna.
So pleased to hear scans are all fine. Char - will we try to meet for coffee? P xx