Doggirl, Gillian, Em - yes I have had similar dark thoughts too (usually in the middle of the night!), so you are not alone. Sending hugs.
Rattles - only one more day to go for your doctor-free week!
I just tried to do 3 consecutive days in the office but had to comehome early due to one of those random bouts of tiredness after a meeting that lasted from 9am until 2:30 wth a 15 minute break. So its back to working from home tomorrow. I keep questioning whether the tiredness is caused by the chemo or whether its just tiredness and I am using the chemo as an excuse, if that makes sense…
good news I think I have managed to arrange the herceptin at home!
Squeakymouse xx
Has anyone else found that crying without nose-hair is not a pretty sight? I’ve always looked awful when I cry, but ruined a good blue t-shirt by getting snot everywhere!! I am sorry, but sometimes humour and pain go so closely together.
Doggirl, Gillian, sending you both big hugs. I think a good cry is really not something to be ashamed of, and I dont know how anyone could face cancer and not feel upset about it. I think the worst thing is that it takes away that assumption we all had before ‘cancer’ that we would have a long, long life. I have also met ladies with secondaries and it really brings home the fact that only a few of us will be able to claim we are ‘cured.’
I also think that chemo make so many physical demands of us that you just cant afford to ‘feel’ anything. Look at all the athletes that broke down in tears once over the finish-line.
Like Em, agree that really the only thing that helps is to be able to hold hands with others and know you are not alone. I certainly could not talk to family or friends about my fears. But I also believe we are so much stronger than we ever know. Thank g.d that I did not know what I would face when I had my surgery in Feb. Who wants a crystal ball?! If anyone told me what I would have to face I would never have believed I could cope- and at times it feels like I have not coped. Its been so, so hard. But even though I am blad, one-breasted, sometimes hobbling, mostly exhausted. I am standing. Its amazing. We are all still here! We am awed by how amazing we all are.
Squeaky mouse- if its one thing I have learned about chemo its that it makes you tired! Great that you have managed to arrange to have your herceptin at home. Take it easy when you can.
Well, I had to speak to my GP, but only about my sicknote so this does not count. Also made an appointment to get a mastectomy bra and prosthesis. Big step for me. And tomorrow I lobby my MP. I am really nervous so wish me luck.
Is anyone interested in meeting up at all?
lots of love, Rattles
Big hugs Doggirl,
I feel exactly the same. Ialways feel it more just after chemo when I am on my own a lot in bed and can’t sleep. I worry so much about it coming back, how I don’t think I could do it all again. i was just having a blub to my oh earlietoad out knowing how to move on and and get back to normal once this is alL over. How do you go througn a year like this and then go back to normal?
Sending big cuddles to everyone.
Xxxx
Rattles I totally agree with the no nasal hair crying. I seem to have reverted to a five year old with snot bubbles, or snubbles as they are now called in my house. Its an attractive treameant all round. NOT!!
I was wondering if any of the ladies from last year may be able to help us with positive steps to move forward. Any of them pop in.
On a positive note. My aunty had breat cancer about 6 years ago and is still all clear, also, so did my froends mum, so it does happen xxx
Thank you all for your comments. It’s so lovely to share. Snubbles all round here!! I wentout for a dog walk and met a lovely dog walking friend of mine. Was good to share and get it off my chest (albeit a slightly mishapend one ;-))
Glad to hear that Rads are easy compaired to chemo! I love the hose in the lift story too!
I agree that now the end of treatment is near I too have started thinking about it coming back and could I cope with another lot of chemo etc. I know some people have had to do this and I take my hat off to them (or at least I would if I had any hair).
I am moving house in a couple of weeks and it is a three storey house. In my head I had started planning how my OH and son could live there together quite well if anything happened to me, working out how my son could have the top floor with his own bathroom so he had some freedom and privacy! I daren’t tell my husband this as he would think it was the only reason I liked it so much!
It didn’t help matters when I went to log in tonight and accidentally hovered over the fund raising tab at the top and it said make a donation in your will!!!
Sometimes it helps to laugh and sometimes it helps to cry. Seem to be verging on both all the time just now.
Take care
A
hi all not posted for a while, but been keeping up. I had my Last chemo today. Been feeling muchlike lots of you this week, very emotional the other day, as well as having the same thoughts of whether I would have the strength to it over again if needed. I guess though it’s like when we have a baby and we say never again but then many do…
Thinking of the snot and no nose hair thing… I am a dancer and on the few occasions I,ve had the energy to dance with a guy, h
When he has spun me I haven’t been able to stop the snot just coming straight out and landing on him!!! got to say it made me laugh, and probably pay back for all the sweat I normally get hit with!!!
rattles. would love ameet up.
Ange x
Morning
Hope everyone is feeling a little better today. Yesterday I celebrated my 21st wedding anniversary,went out for a meal with husband, daughter & her boyfriend, taste buds had come back abit so managed to enjoy my meal. Today I’m going to my nieces wedding, the sun is shining so should be a good day. Will be seeing a lot of people I haven’t seen since having BC so abit nervous.
Hope you all have a good weekend
Take care
Gillian xx
Morning Ladies
Hope your all ok.Had my last chemo yesterday,picc line out and zoledex hormone injection omg that killed like some of you on here i’ve been feeling really low scared thinking i wont be around to watch my kids grow up every ache and pain and i panic have been having lower back pain for a week but have put it down to walking an hr every day i’m so scared that i’m going to die young hate these feelings but can’t seem to shift them i just wish i could feel normal again i can not believe what a hard journey it has been so far but think chemo has been horrible hope i never have to have it again.Also at my last appointement with onc understudy was told i would be having my ovaries removed only to be told tue by onc no way unless it comes back that i carry the gene.Hope you all have a fab weekend
lots of love and hugs
Becks
xxx
Hi Becks
I’m sorry to hear that you are having a pretty tough time at the moment. I’m sure the users of this site will be along to support you soon.
In the meantime maybe you would like to talk to a member of our helpline staff who are there to offer emotional support as well as practical information. The free phone number is 0808 800 600 and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9.00 to 5.00 and Saturday 10.00 to 2.00.
Best wishes Sam, BCC Facilitator
Big hugs to all the buddies,
I think we all feel the same fears about the future. Zumba, I misunderstood and thought you were having your ovaries out? Is this something you wanted? I am sure you are exhausted and you barely finish one thing and its on to the next.
I was so so low for the few days after we decided to stop chemo. Everyone thought I would be happy, but I wasn’t. It was one of those moments when all my fears about the futures seemed to come down to one decision. Right or wrong. I think what is helping me to feel better is the return of some sense of ‘normality’- actually being able to take my daughter to school, eat, and enjoy the sun. Like you zumba, every twinge and pain makes me feel very frightened.Don’t have anything to say to take the pain away, but that we are all going through this and we all understand each other does help.
Gillian - congratulations on your wedding anniversary.
Doggirl- cant remember if your son’s birthday was today or tomorrrow but hope he had a great day and you enjoyed it too.
Lots of love, Rattles x
mornin buddIes, Zumba hope you’re feelin a little better today, our journey is def a hard one emotionally as well as physically and our lives will all be changed by it. Im sure theback pain could be a SE I’ve had it with all my tax. but agree that every twinge will from now looked apon differently than pre BC.
Rattles glad you are havin some normality back. def makes you appreciate the small things more x
mornin buddIes, Zumba hope you’re feelin a little better today, our journey is def a hard one emotionally as well as physically and our lives will all be changed by it. Im sure theback pain could be a SE I’ve had it with all my tax. but agree that every twinge will from now looked apon differently than pre BC.
Rattles glad you are havin some normality back. def makes you appreciate the small things more x
Morning all
Back from hols last night, had a fab week in the hired camper van in the Peak District (mostly sunny, unlike home!). Downside is that I got an infection in my reconstructed breast, am on antibiotics but it’s still sore and weeping so I’m going to try and get it looked at by a breast care nurse today. OH has also been weeping, upset by my infection. At least we didn’t have to cut the holiday short.
Sounds like we’re all having similarly dark thoughts as we get to the end of our chemo (my last one is due on Weds, though I don’t know if they’ll delay it due to the infection). I wake up lots during the night at the moment with hot flushes, in my experience the early hours are the worst time for feeling pessimistic about things. Although it doesn’t help with the underlying uncertainty, I find that listening to a story on my ipod helps distract me and get me back to sleep.
I’d love to meet up, though I guess some buddies are tied up for a while having rads? I’m planning to go the breast cancer care younger women’s forum in Liverpool at the end of the month, which sounds really interesting.
Hugs to everyone,
Alix xx
Morning buddies, Alix - hope you infection clears up soon and you’re not too sore. Rattles I would love to meet up - where would be a good central place for us all? Im going ino work tomorrow or the first time since May to discuss phased return after my op - I’m dreading it - will have to dig out my ‘work clothes’ and wig!!! Hope everyone is ok and has a good week, X
Hi All - Haven’t posted for a few days as I have been away since Thursday and just got back last night. Although I had a nice time I really wasn’t well enough to go anywhere and had times of being so tired I could just have cried! In fact I was at a service station last night and seriously thought about just sleeping in the car as I couldn’t contemplate driving another mile, and I didn’t want to get out to go to the loo as I had taken my wig off! I felt so damned vulnerable I couldn’t believe it. Harder to cope with when you are not at home too. My mouth has had me in agony for most of the week and the only thing I can drink is milk or milk shakes - which is all very nice but if that is all you drink all day it could be a bit fattening! Over a week since last chemo but still not feeling like rejoicing yet. It is really good to know that we are all feeling the same way though. I just want to be normal again!
Love to all
K M xx
Hi everyone , looks like we are all feeling a bit down , I dont have my last chemo until next wednesday, have suffered so much with this one that I’m not sure I want the last one , at the moment I am having a competition with the elephant man to see who looks worse , face and hands swollen , bright red and skin on face cracked and peeling , apparently its one of the side effects of the tax 
am now back on steroids every morning, but luckily bone pain has gone although cant put heels down as pain in them so tip toeing around , dont think I’m painting a very nice picture , would laugh but it hurts 
, hope everyone else is coping ok ,
love and hugs to everyone xxx
Hi Ladies,
Just wanted to let those of you who are nearly finished chemo that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you do start to feel better.
Em - good luck with your work meeting tomorrow, I am sure they will be very pleased to see you. Don’t do what I did last week and stay too long in meetings and get over-tired though!
I had my pre-op assessment for the anaesthetic today which went OK - even met up with a friend there who is having abdominal surgery this week (not cancer). I have pre-op appointment with the nurse on Thursday.
I had herceptin at home today - beats the round trip into hospital!
Squeakymouse xx
Nice to come on and catch up with you all.
Alix, sorry to hear about your infection. I hope you are not in too much discomfort. I agree. the nights are the worst and like you, I wake with hot flushes, and then later in the night, freezing.
Kitten-mad- sorry you were so tired. I am tired too. I also lived on milk - for months. Keep saying ‘It is over.’
Em- hope your visit to work goes okay. I am going back to work just after the half term. Fingers crossed. Got mixed feelings about it. I wasnt planning to wear my wig though?
I dont know where would be a central place? I cant remember where everyone lives. Cambridge? Cheltenham? Manchester? The Coast? (From memory???)
I went bra and prosthetic shopping today. What an experience. I nearly turned around when I saw the shop - all frosted glass and very much aimed at over 60’s (am really sorry to anyone over 60, there should be a greater choice), and so depressing to find myself ‘young.’ The silicone prosthesis, complete with nipple is seriously bizarre but at least it looked okay once in the bra, and some of the bras were pretty.
So, came home feeling pleased with myself but not meant to last… Some of you might remember daughter been ill on and off for last month. She has a seriously swollen neck. Saw GP today with my OH (I was bra shopping) and had an urgent blood test (OH not sure why!!). Oh my …, am half sure it is just about checking but got that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, again. Me and lumps will now always have a difficult relationship. Am trying not to panic and remind myself that not every illness is cancer or something sinister. At least she is eating tonight and her tmep has gone. Good job I am having some counselling!!
Where could we meet? I thought I might email Pixie from the April thread and see where they ae meeting? What do you think? As much as I want to meet, I would not deccribe myself as an events organiser so I thought I might steal some of her ideas?
Look forward to hearing from you all.
Big hugs.
Rattles
(PS For all the anxiety and aches and pains, it is so, so great to know I dont have to be blasted this week, next week, the week after). xxx
Rattles, so sorry your little girl is still poorly - try not to worry though, sounds like a viral infection, causing her glands to swell, which can be hard to shift sometimes. My son had something similar when he was little. Does she have a sore throat too? As for a meet up maybe somewhere like Birmingham or is that still too far for our northern/Scottish buds? Perhaps we can all say again where we are based and I’ll try and work out a middle point!! Add your location below and cut and paste and re- post. Night night buddies, x
Emylou- Cheltenham, glos.