Me feel guilty!!! NOOOOO!! Well yes actually - it hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday!! Tax Bill arrived and cant pay it (prob have to sell car) = guilt. Went out with daughter nd not enough energy to take son out = guilt. Trying to loose a bit of weight as I know it will keep me healthier longer but its not happening = guilt.
So - I am def on the ‘guilty bench’ at the moment - with one cheek on the ‘waiting for scan results’ bench (which is very spikey!!) and leaning against the ‘sobbing hystericaly bench’. Not sure it is possible to be on three - but im trying!! The snowdrops all around are making is bareable!
Straight to the sobbing hysterically bench. I managed to cry in front of my oncologist today when he said that I needed both chemo & rads. I’d sort of talked myself out of having chemo again as last time I had it as a precaution rather than a necessity but this time he said having chemo would reduce the likelihood of return within 10 years from 20% to 10% and this is a considerable improvement so I have to say yes. I got all emotional though because I have issues at work with my manager and I was hoping it would be RADS & then back to work after a few weeks rather than a few months. I couldn’t face ringing him today so have put it off until tomorrow and think I will just go straight to his boss to get some support for me over the coming months.
It’s a different regime for me this time FEC-T (as opposed to the E -CMF that I had last time). Glad I never chucked the hats, scarves or wig from last time! He said there’s a very high chance I’ll be infertiel this time (treatment never pushed me through a menopause last time so I have this to add to the SE’s this time) and of course I had been toying with the idead of trying for a baby this year as I’m childless.
One foot on the guilty bench as I know my outlook is far better than many and I dont have secondaries so I’m pretty lucky really. I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself. Means I won’t be playing with my band for a while plus will be bald for my friend’s wedding in June. On the brightside I’ll bloody enjoy Xmas this year as it will all be behind me.
Emotional day really…and then I got the e mail to say my song didn’t make it to the final 4 in the competition…ho hum…not my day today. Tomorrow will be better.
Oh Twinky, how poo {{hug}}, I’m sorry it wasn’t what you hoped for but it sounds as if those odds make it a given that chemo is definitely the way to go.
Don’t you dare feel guilty for not being sick enough *rollseyes*!! I don’t think anyone in your position would consider themselves lucky - you are what you are and should never feel guilty for that :/.
I hope work are supportive, at least financially if nothing else! I’m so sorry about the fertility issues, that’s pants :(, but I guess the important issue is to get you treated and sorted ASAP!
Thinking of you & sending as many {{hugs}} as I can find.
I shall be fine, was just a lot to take in a day that’s all plus I just have huge issues with my boss. I will be ringing his boss tomorrow to look for the support I need and leave him to deal with the fact that one of his man managers has no people skills. How dare he be making me upset & worried about work when I need to concentrate on getting rid of this disease (that’s the spirit…old Twinky returning…getting off the sobbing bench and wobbling to the fat b*****ds bench).
This site is really a godsend for information, support & just plain letting off steam!
Hugs to evryone (in a very huggy mood tonight). Hubby is now on antibiotics so hope to see an improvement there shortly too!
Twinky, hugs to you from this bench, wherever it is. Really not sure which one I’m on at all today, but it’s close to a loo. On anti-bs for a UTI so drinking lots of water and running to loo.
So sorry you didn’t get the news you wanted. I’ve replaced the soggy mountain of tissues on the crazy sobbing lady bench with a fresh supply, so if you want to have a blub, help yourself or use RevCat’s posh lace-trimmed hankies.
You tell 'em kiddo!! I hate it when bosses are unsupportive, even though I’m experiencing the same my end!! I’m not sure how to handle mine, but may speak to one of the GPs when I’m back.
You wobble right over and I’ll move my enormous ar*e over and make room for you ;-)!
You’re right, this site is luffly, I’ve had a poo day (very good friend of mine lost her dog suddenly last night ), but I can always find a smile on here!
Special hugs to you Twinky, you are right regarding your job, your health comes first and feeling guilty over work is bad news, get yourself over to the “f*****g furious” bench, sometimes it’s good to be angry!
Mythos you too, remember and stay on the boingy stuff (roaming alligators).
I ended up on the “really tired” bench today, slept for about 4 hours this afternoon! Tomorrow will be a better day xx
Twinky, so sorry you’ve had such an utterly pants day, and you too Mythos…
All alligator traps baited so hopefully everyone will keep safe.
Wish I could make it right but I can’t, so I’ll just top up the hanky supplies, spoon supplies (several extra large thwacking ladles over there -----> for use on unsupportive work colleagues) and check all the life belts are in place… that and send you all some e-hugs.
Hopefully tomorrow will feel just a little bit better…
Bless you Revcat, what would we do without you? I just need a good sleep. Over tired & emotional today. Tomorrow will be better especially when I’ve got over my big hurdle of speaking to work.
Ah, so it was you, katyc. Wondered who it was snoring beside me. Curled up on my sofa with my hood up and a blanket over me. Toasty, and a very useful hour spent in the land of nod. That might well see me in the up all nighters club tonight, but so what.
I’ve just spotted another bench that I’m going to be heading to. It seems to appear at the end of really rubbish days, it’s the “it’ll be a bit better in the morning” bench. Unfortunately there’s another one right beside it that fell out of the pantomime, the oh no it isn’t! bench. So be careful you don’t sleepwalk.
Hi everyone. I have just discovered bench land. Need to get up to date on all the seating available.
Wel I think I shal try out CMs new bench as it got to be a bit better tomorrow. I have just prised myself off the rickety and uncomfortable whiney stool. It’s not even a proper bench which I was glad about because we don’t want to linger there too long.
X Sarah
Welcome Sarah *wave*, I’m a relative newbie myself so someone wiser will be along to explain the bench ‘system’ to you soon no doubt!!
Is there an ‘Oh my god l’m so tired I could cry’ bench or did I sleepwalk last night onto the ‘oh no it isn’t’ bench??!!
Been awake since 2.30 (went to bed at 11.00 but read for about 45 mins). I’ve got hosp appointment today, which is only for a wound check up, nothing nasty, nothing painful and yet I’m really anxious about it *dunno*?!
Benchland, you can have any bench/sofa you want, there are some old favourites, “f*****g furious”, “reinforced fat b******s”, “teary”, “crazy sobbing lady” and of course the “guilty” bench.
Benchland can be a place for adventure, schooldays, caves, lakes etc, basically it can be any place you want it to be. There is homebaking, spoons and hankies in abundance.
You have introduced “the whiny stool”, we have not had any stools before so if the “guilty” bench reaches capacity, we will now be able to sit on a hard stool, feet up because of the alligators, ouchy!
I’m still sitting on the “can’t be bothered” bench but am getting up soon to move to the “I’m getting on my own nerves” bench.
Chocciemuffin, I had no idea you were beside me, hope the snoring wasn’t too bad, I also grind my teeth, I have placed an order for ear plugs xx
Thanks for the welcome peeps. I sat on the crazy sobbing lady bench yesterday and have now sidled onto the can’t be bothered bench with katytc.
I am coming home from the seaside today and feel that time has been wasted feeling glum. However I shall ignore the guilty bench and focus on an appt free week, except for the dressings nurse
I’m joining you on the can’t be bothered bench today, I’m so full of cold (I promise I won’t sneeze and splutter on you!).
There was no sign of it yesterday morning, I must have caught it from the going- to- the- dentist- and- having -a -filling bench. When I get the energy, I’m going to fling that bench into the crocodile infested lake, and then we’ll have more room for the ‘it’ll be better in the morning bench’. xxx
Welcome new benchland people… here, have a lovely extra soft lacy hanky to wipe away those tears so you can get off those soggy benches and on to to others that are more comfy. Hopefully you will soon feel up to exploring this magical place…
See that big lake… chuck in your guilt where the alligators will gobble it up. Please take heed of the ‘no fishing’ and ‘no swimming’ signs, but if you do slip in, there are loads of life belts attached to long, strong ropes and you will soon be rescued.
You will notice that we have installed multi-coloured boingy stuff round the benches - this is a safety feature for people who try bungee jumping off the benches, which can have rather unpleasant results. We have also banned all tubes of superglue after someone (no names, no pack drill) got her derriere fixed too firmly to one of the benches.
Please don’t fall into the alligator pits, they are clearly marked! But if you see an alligator remember - they won’t go on the boingy stuff and they can be fed alarm clocks. (You could also sing ‘row row row your boat’, second verse to them if you liked…)
There are various places where you pick up energy spoons, I’m sure you’ll find them as you explore. And of course scrummy treats that are calorie and alcohol free so utterly devoid of guilt.
Hope you are soon back on the ‘I can do this’ bench which is spacious and relatively comfy.
Big welcome to the new girls,
RevCat my grandaughter loves row, row, your boat so am a dab hand at singing, doing all the actions and screaming! For those that can’t remember it’s
row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream
merrily, merrily, merrily
life is but a dream
The infamous 2nd verse particularly relevant to BENCHLAND
row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream
if you see an alligator (crocodile)
don’t forget to scream
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH
Am away to play the spoons and sing at the same time xx
Special hugs for queenie.
I am currently perched with one bum cheek on the guilty bench & the other on the crazy sobbing lady bench :-(.
I went to hospital today to get my dressings changed. After 2 1/2 hr wait to see the BCN, she took my dressings off, my steristrips off and my skin off :-o!! It’s soooo sore I can’t tell you.
When I saw my boob, I could have sobbed :'(, it looks awful. I had the breast reduction done because my ‘good’ boob was about 4-5cms lower than my cancer one and was about 1-2 cup sizes bigger. At the moment, my newly operated on boob looks square shaped, is about 3cms higher than my cancer boob and I’m now wondering why the chuffin heck I’ve put myself through the surgery?!
My surgeon wasn’t in clinic today, but my BCN asked one of the other surgeons to see me as I was so upset. He said it was normal and would take time to ‘settle’.
Patience is a virtue I guess but at the moment I’m not a happy bunny.
P.S. feeling v guilty for whinging about non-essential surgery :/, I’m pathetic I know & should be grateful but I’m too tired & drained at the moment!
Oh Mythos, what an horrendous ordeal. It WAS essential surgery. You didn’t just have it done on a whim. It is likely to be swollen at the moment and will settle. It’s just the shock. Can you see the ‘it will be better in the morning’ bench in the distance? I shall save a particularly comfy spot for you.
The alligators have been gazing in my general direction but I have bungy jumped over to the ‘it will be better in the morning’ saving a spot for Mythos. The crazy sobbing lady bench nearly had an inmate this afternoon but I dodged it cunningly. Row row row your boat…
), but I can always find a smile on here!
x