It’s such a worrying time. I start chemo on Monday and have told by 15 yr old and 18yr old. They’ve been great but it’s been very difficult to keep it together. I’ve chosen not to tell anyone outside of immediate family until I get going on my treatment
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Thank you x
It’s hard telling kids but since I told them and they had a few tears , they seem ok .
We’ve been away since Thursday visiting family which is a nice distraction
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Yes , it’s weird … I feel like I still don’t have all the answers as now I need another biopsy and the agonising wait for those results too - all the while I just want them to get this cancer out !
We always go to a festival for my birthday so I’ve that to look forward to x
Thank you x
I’ve a second biopsy (mammogram guided ) needs … so then it’s a wait for the results of that too
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The letter from my consultant seems to indicate they are planning mastectomy first but until all the results are back I don’t know x
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There’s no law that says you have to tell people other than family - this is your journey and no one else’s x
Wishing you all the best for chemo starting , it’s frightening I know but you are now attacking this unwelcome guest and hopefully serving it it’s notice very soon !
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Hi @jenni123
Welcome to the forum. As has already been said, it’s up to you who and if you tell people. It’s your diagnosis it’s your decision.
Depending where you live, where you may work and if you loose your hair ( wigs, scarves and hats can hide so much) it may get out there.
A friend of a family member heard that I’d had the ‘Big C’ and they live miles away. Very old term, I had cancer! I used to teach at a couple of local schools and have told some people, not anyone who I think knows their family, but they found out. It wasn’t a secret but it’s surprising how things spread!
There are a few links I thought might be helpful navigating BCN and the monthly chemo starters if you wish to join with other lovely people going through treatment at the same time.
- Website: You can register for our services. Or find our publications, more information and support or how to volunteer. It’s all here.
- Helpline: 0808 800 6000 (Mon-Fri 9am-4pm; Sat 9am-1pm). Speak to our trained helpline team. No questions are too big or too small.
- Ask Our Nurses: You can message our nurses here on the forum, or confidentially. Whatever you prefer.
- Someone Like Me: Will match you with a trained volunteer who’s had a similar experience to you. They’ll be a phone call or email away to answer your questions, offer support, or simply listen. Call on 0800 138 6551 or contact our email volunteers
- Younger Women Together: For people 45 and under. You can choose the support that suits you: online, one day or 2 day residential events. Find an event.
- Moving Forward: Finishing treatment can be hard, and it can be difficult to move forward with your life. You can access our support online or face-to-face. Our online information hub and Moving Forward journal provide extra ideas and information. Courses run over 2 weeks, with 2 3.5hr sessions. Or trained facilitators and volunteers are there to help. Find a course near you.
- Publications: Download and order publications. You can read online or order your copy for free. From managing menopausal symptoms, hormone treatment or triple negative breast cancer, our information is here for you.
- BECCA: Our free app is your pocket companion to primary breast cancer.
- Speaker Live: sessions are on every month. They focus on the topics that matter to you, lead by expert speakers from across the UK. You can register for one of our webinars, and watch it live, or as a recording. We also have Facebook and Instagram Live sessions run by our clinical team on a huge range of topics. You can find them all on YouTube
- Secondary breast cancer is full of uncertainties. But you can count onLiving with Secondary Breast Cancer to be there for you, no matter what. You’ll be able to talk, listen and learn with people who understand the challenges that secondary breast cancer brings. Our groups are open to people with a secondary diagnosis. Monthly sessions, facilitated by a therapist, are held in a variety of locations across the UK and online. Find a group. And if you are 45 or under? Our Younger Women with Secondaries Together events provide information and support
- LiveChat: Open to people with a secondary diagnosis. A private chat room where you can talk to others in a similar situation.
- Access Fund – all our events are free, but if you need help getting there or accessing our services, let us know. Email us at accessfund@breastcancernow.org or call 0345 077 1893.
Take care we are all here for you 
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I’ve just found out my cancer is Er and Pr- HER2+ so my consultant said I can remain on a low dose of hrt until they get the results from surgery … which is a relief as I’ve felt terrible coming off it…
They are still waiting for the results of a third biopsy on a third lot of calcifications and I’ll get those next week with hopefully a plan going forward .
I’m assuming it will mean chemo after surgery but I won’t find out until next week
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Hi, I just saw your post. I’m new here and finding my way. I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer on Thursday last week. I am beside myself. I’m 46 with three children and I cannot stop crying. I’m trying to find positives but I was taken aback when they said stage 3 and I just can’t seem to handle it. I just wanted to message cause I know how you feel as a mum xo
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I’m so sorry, Sam. We all know the horror of first getting diagnosed. Do you have any questions or anything else we can help you with? If it’s a comfort to know this, you’re in the midst of the worst part of the process. Once a plan is in place you get a much needed sense of control back and with that a little bit of peace.
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@arty1 I’m pleased you have some information and a plan. I like you had more biopsies so waited longer. The results didn’t change the plan for me.
@sam3 I’m so sorry to hear of your diagnosis, your feelings are understandable. This forum is so supportive. See my previous post for lots of links on the website. We will be with you through your treatment.
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Thank you so much. I have so many questions but I’m afraid to ask some of them. I guess I’m scared that stage three is super bad. I’m also scared that the scans will say worse. I have cried all day, I can’t contain it. I’m just so scared of not being with my three children, they need me xo
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I’m so sorry - your feelings are completely normal , my consultant wrote in my post appointment letter … that I was upset by the diagnosis … I thought how bizarre … of course I’m upset !
I felt like I’d been punched in the chest when my consultant said I had cancer at the initial appointment… after she said cancer , everything else sounded like white noise . At my results appointment I knew I was getting a confirmed cancer diagnosis and I burst into tears when she said I needed more biopsies as I panicked that all this extra time was holding things up …. The strange thing is … it’s only 4 weeks on Friday since my referal appointment……
Everything seems to move slowly during the information gathering stage … every day feels hellish … the intrusive thoughts take over your head and it’s hard to function ……. Throw in coming off hrt into the mix and it’s no wonder you feel so distraught …
As mums we always put our children first and a diagnosis like this feels terrifying … we worry if we will see our children grow up … get married … this is all normal …combined with the guilt of our children seeing us go through treatment … maybe not able to do as much as we’d hoped with them
. I’ve cried many tears of worry and frustration …
My children are managing ok with my diagnosis at the moment and we’ve nicknamed my left boob the naughty nork and while I’ve been honest with my children , esp my 14 year old daughter about the fact that I’m upset and angry that I may need a mastectomy . I’ve also tried to talk about it in a way that won’t frighten them by explaining that if I have to lose a boob , this needs to be done and I’ll be perfectly fine without it .
Cancer has dominated my family recently but I remind them that their 75 year old grandmother lives with stage 4 lymphoma and is well and enjoying life .
Have you been assigned a breast care nurse ? I’ve found the ones at my hospital are fantastic … I call if I have a query and they are so kind and encourage me to be honest about how I’m feeling at the moment .
I can recommend the BCN helpline too , I called when I was first told I might have cancer and the nurse I spoke to was amazing at reassuring me .
Please don’t panic about it being in the nodes , I was told it’s the first place BC tends to travel as the lymph nodes are so close to the breast tissue … it doesn’t mean it’s gone any further though . Your team will be putting the appropriate treatment together for you , remember BC has so many amazing treatment pathways now - despite my own fear , I have several friends still very much alive and well after having breast cancer years ago and I know at least one had it in her nodes , she’s still here 11 years later …
Don’t Google … you will terrify yourself to death … a lot of the information is outdated , stay on the forum and get up to date info . Macmillan forum is also excellent .
Sending you lots of love , a cancer diagnosis is something none of us wants or expects and it can feel like you are in some strange parallel universe x
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I don’t get the treatment plan until next Tuesday but it might change now the HER2 is back as my breast care nurse said they haven’t had the MDT meeting yet but I was told mastectomy if latest biopsy showed multifocal, its frustrating waiting for the extra biopsies isn’t it 
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Breast cancer can be cured at all stages but 4. But even stage 4 can be treated so well that some women are now living with it as a chronic disease instead of a death sentence. Stage 3 isn’t optimal but them breast cancer isn’t either. It’s just a stage and will determine what kind of treatment you will go through but treatment is a great equalizer. There are many stage 3 people who are cured never to see breast cancer again. There is no reason to think you won’t be one of them
As far as questions to ask, a few things you’ll want to know is what kind of breast cancer you have (there are four main types) and then where it originated from (lobular versus IDC). Another thing is grade perhaps along with how many nodes they think are involved. None of this is definitive at the moment since your pathology result after surgery will be the final word but knowing what they suspect is helpful just to know what kind of treatment you may need. And as far as your kids, it’s tough but I think all of us mothers on this site have been thrilled with their resilience. If explained well in ways that are age appropriate kids just adjust. Mine were 14 and 16 when I was diagnosed and we tackled it as a family. I stayed cheerful around them, hopeful, and gave them ways in which to help me so that they felt some semblance of control. And they just did great. It truly has simply been a blip in their lives that they no longer think about. Now do I think about it? Of course. It will never be a blip for me. But I do feel good most days, live a very active lifestyle and quite frankly don’t look like I’ve ever had a double mastectomy much less chemo. I’m just a little over two years at this point and living my life. One day you’ll be there, too. Just hang on.
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Thank you so very much for your reassurance. The scans are playing awfully on my mind. I’m trying to take it a bit at a time. I’m guilty of being a worrier at the best of times so this has just been completely overload. Feeling completely lost and just want to hide xo
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Sam, don’t be shy about asking for help during this time period. The day I was diagnosed I asked my doctor for a prescription of xanax. I just wanted one bottle so if it got too much I’d have a recourse. She had absolutely no issues with prescribing it. I think I may have taken three pills out of the bottle but I still keep it for a “just in case” scenario. Nobody take a cancer diagnosis comfortably and doctors understand that.
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I sam i just wanted to reach out to you.
My mums friend was stage 3 she had a 9cm breast lump with lots of nodes.
That was during covid. And she is fab now and cancer free.
Stay positive. I know its easily said than done.
Im 33 and got diagnosed in june and i know how scared you feel. Please know you are not alone and there is light at end of that tunnel… even if it is stage 3!
I had my second round of chemo last week and its very doable, im also a mum to a 2 year old. Sending love x
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What a lovely read! Your message is so uplifting.
Im 33 and got diagnosed in June, got a 2 year old girl to think about.
Had my second chemo last week, having 6 rounds in total as mine is HER2 POS
There is light at end of that tunnel and im looking forward to getting where you are!
It is going quite quickly to be honest… glad! X
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Yes, I feel like my whole world has been tipped on its head. I know the kids are worried. I’m trying to be quiet ‘matter of fact’ and upbeat around them but inside I’m absolutely crumbling. Thank you so much for your advice.
Back for another biopsy tomorrow so I won’t get much more info at this point. I wish I could start treatment today, the waiting is a worry xo
Oh my, thank you so much- I love to hear these positive stories. I’m clinging to them!! I hope your treatment continues to go well 
lots of love xo
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