Ooo! JoC, how did you not smack the woman?!
The ideal response to that one is, “and I assume you’ve prepared your own children for the likelihood that you’ll be hit by a bus tomorrow as well?” (Note deliberate use of the word “likelihood” and not just “possibility”!)
I was too gobsmacked to do anything really just said well I’m planning on being around for a long time yet. Then went away thinking I can’t believe you just said that to me!
Double post
If anyone else tells me that I “look really well” (just finished 3 x FEC then 3 x TAX and spent the best past of the last 2 weeks hardly able to move) I am going to whip my wig off, rip open my shirt so they can see the lumpectomy scar, burst into tears and say “Yes, I am feeling really fantastic, can’t recommend it highly enough, almost like going on holiday to Santorini for 2 weeks”!
Oh, and if they are still smiling after that, I will vomit over them!
Grrrrrr
DaisyGirl xx
Atta girl, Daisy!
I had someone tell me I looked really well today, but I didn’t mind because I DO! I look knackered (and she acknowledged that) but I look well. She’s been great and has come out the other end, having been through the same crock of **it herself and finished Tam last year, so I know it was said in a spirit of solidarity.
The “you look really well” comment depends so much on context, and of course on how crap you happen to be feeling, there’s no single way to take it as a comment. (Does sometimes result in the other person having their ears burnt if I think they’re being patronising or condescending though, I’m not one to mince words. Other people, but not words…)
this one was from my husband!!
went out for a great meal in my favorite place to eat with our son who is visiting from denmark. good food, good wine, and my son works in cancr research so some good sensible comments.
then OH says " nice to see you back to normal, you have been such a misserable old cow since you found the lump that i have found you difficult to deal with"
sorry but this totally shocked me. I have not cried once since hearing the news or asked for special treatment and thought was handling it quite well. I just do not know what to say. ok when he suggested that he went away the day after i was expecting results i pulled a face and said i might need him here. and he needs to organise a big party in a couple of months time and i have said i would rather get the all clear before fixing a date, but i dont call that miserable i think it is realistic.
tonight i am on the floor. i cannot say anything to my children or friends because i work on total loyalty and am old fashioned enough not to run your husband down.
at least here nobody knows me so i feel it is acceptable to say something
Hello OAL,
(((((((((Please have the biggest virtual hug from me)))))))))
I’m so sorry your husband said that - it must have really, really hurt you. I just don’t know what to say to you, but I just hope he realises what’s he’s said, and apologises to you. I think I’d find it very hard to be “outwardly normal” with someone who’d just said that to me.
Top marks to you for your loyalty, but do take good care of yourself - I’m thinking of you! I’m usually awake in the night for at least a while, so pm me if you like, and I’ll reply asap.
You aren’t being miserable at all OAL - so please, please dont think you are. Also, I’ve read your lovely replies to others on here, so know you to be a really caring person.
Yes, it’s acceptable to say whatever you want on here, so go ahead and write whatever you need to. No, we dont know you in the real world OAL, but we know you on here, and we all care, so post as much as you need to, and we’re all here for you.
With much love!
Shelley xxxxx
Male tact, oldandlumpy.
I have a long story, but a few years ago reunited with my best friend from school. We were 7 when we played together and I moved away when I was 12. While I was nicely growing my lump, that he knew nothing about at the time, he was arranging to take me to London for my 40th for a theatre weekend. It turned out that things were going to far more different than he could imagine and bearing in mind that he lives 3000 miles from me, but a few months later we wandered through London with matching t shirts. Grumpy Cow, and Beastie. So untactfull, but so right :o)
YoungandFunky, I think he might not realise just what a cancer diagnosis means, and maybe a full and frank discussion is called for. Or it may be that he’s borrowed my bucket (without asking!) and is burying his head in the sand about the seriousness of it.
Probably best to have a talk when you are feeling calm and strong, and also feeling a bit positive towards him too so that you’re not tempted to just scream and yell and cry. I suggest you let him know, calmly, that what he said really upset you - you never know, he might have just been trying to be flippant and witty and hasn’t realised how completely flat his humour fell.
well we had another discussion before i went to bed out of earshot of my son, and i told him how hurtful i found his comments. Unfortunaely I got a few more “home truths” turns out I am selfish for restricting his visits to his grandchild when I know how much he loves him. I said Its only been just over a week since the op that i have asked him to stay at home. and asked him not to be away when my results come in.he said…etc etc etc
I am afraid I disgraced my self by saying “well count yourself lucky that you see him grow up, after next thursday we might find out that i am not so lucky” realy feel ashamed of myself. mine is a benign type that is non invasive and rarely kills, and without tempting fate, I feel good about the results and am sure they have got it and its the nice polite type that does not need any treatment and i will be on here friday saying goodbye to you all. so it was a very naughty thing to say. But it stopped the conversation dead.
this morning he appologised, said he should not have said that and he did not mean everything he had said, and could we draw a line under it The old me would have pounced on that and said, but what bits did you mean. But the new calm me that seems to have developed over the last few months just smiled and said, yes I was very hurt but lets draw a line.
He is not a bad man, he is just not one of these touchy feely sensative types, a bit old school. I know that, and I know I cannot change it…just last night was a bit too much.
Popped out for a quick visit to a newly opened local pub last night to check it out, but unfortunately ran straight in to local drunk who insisted on holding my hand and telling me how “brave”, “strong” and “beautiful without any hair” I am repeatedly (as drunks do). Tried telling him that bravery involves a choice, but of course he was too far gone for any rational discussion. Couldn’t wait to get out of there!
Oldand lumpy
I wanted to say to you; I have seen many of your posts on these forums, offering peace of mind, informative facts, reassurance and mostly great empathy. You are a lovely lady and I suspect that your husband knows exactly how precious you are. However, when under pressure, as he is too, we all revert to the old survival instincts, which for many, are keeping going with normal habits (like seeing grandchildren), and not shaking too many walls at the same time.
I have a few people in my life with enormous emotional intelligence (my 11 year old daughter being one), and when she, you, or someone who we are used to being emotionally strong gets upset or angry, even slightly demanding it really shakes the rest of us up as it seems to be worse than a regular person. Does that make sense?
Anyway, my point is that you have the right to ask your husband to support you, and whatever else it takes to get you both through this. IMHO you did the right thing by telling him how you feel, and you need to keep that going, instead of hiding it away, and that way he will adapt to the fact this is a life-changing experience for him as well as you. As you say, he is not a bad man, just one that doesn’t know the new rules.
Take care of yourself. Xxxxxx
DH just told me that as I went out to the car last night the idiot said to him “what will you do if it turns out for the worst for Sue?” DH said he will buy a yacht with the insurance money - as he said there was no point in trying to have a sensible discussion!
goodness what a lovely thing to say. and what you say about him reacting is right.
thankyou
Hi oal, Poor you having to put up with that. My husband has been really supportive and I like you have hopefully the non invasive cancer. Not back to driving yet and missing looking after my grandchildren but hoping to be fit enough when their mum goes back to work in August after her maternity leave. Thankfully my husband supports me in this and drives me over to see the kids, I am so sorry that you dont get this from your husband. Maybe we need a site like this for Husbands, partners etc. to share their feelings?!
i have had some pretty close calls to giving someone a smack lol , i popped into work on tues before meeting with onc at hospital to arrange treatment dates ( 17 rads ) the BOSS in our 2 bit work your socks off for 6 pounds an hour kitchen asked me - Do you know when you are coming back ? i nearly fell over . i hadnt even had my treatment dates and replied i could not give her answers i do not have nor will until recovered after rads , was then met with - well my father in law had rads on his neck and he sailed through , i swear i dont know how i kept it together , ignorance truly is bliss , then another well meaning friend tells me she so understands the soreness in my armpit ( 4 nodes removed , 5" scar and feeling like being stung by wasps as nerves shift ) as she had a boil removed from hers , a F.....G BOIL !oh my goodness i wanted to boil her head and serve it to the kids on a plate complete with apple stuffed into ones gob !! i must admit my humour got the better of me when i got home and calmed down and she is now the butt of many a joke in our household xx
Oh Trish, you made me laugh with your F…G BOIL !!
OAL hope your OH now realises that this is all a very scary process whatever the prognosis and treatment plan, and that you need his support through it. Doesn’t matter how strong we are in normal life - this is outside of our normal experience and we need someone to just be there for us 
Hope that things improve from now onwards for you xx
Trish - yes a BOIL!! - don’t know how you restrained yourself, but your reaction definately made me smile!
A short sharp “Ummm Hellllllloooooo, Cancer!” might have surficed. I’ve had people telling me they “Know how I feel” when I say I’m exhausted… a few have had the retort “no, you really don’t know what exhausted is until you’ve had cancer treatment, trust me” and then asked them if they would lie in bed, doing NOTHING for 2 hours trying to motivate themselves to just get out of bed and go downstairs and nothing else.
Or if they’ve had to give themselves motivational speeches for most of the day JUST to empty the dishwasher which is a 2 min job.
I think a lot of people who know me would be shocked if they could see my energy levels because normally I’m superwoman, only a few have had glimpses really… my best mate said she’s never seen me like this, no get up and go and normallly I buzz about hyperactive. I’ve said its not depression it’s sheer utter exhaustion.
OAL, sometimes other halves “get it” pretty quickly, sometimes they need to have the bare, bald, ugly truth shoved right in front of their faces before they do. Your free and frank conversation has forced him to realise the seriousness of the situation but at the same time has cleared the air so you can both get on with life with the consideration that is needed. It’s a shame you needed to be quite so blunt but sometimes it’s necessary, and I’m sure you’ll both be happier that you’ve cleared the air and got some truths out in the open.
Trish, A BOIL???!!! I’m speechless!