Cheryl, I had EXACTLY that situation when asked outright by a small child (a chatty little girl of about three in the pub garden, she was petting the dog at the time) and in reply to her “why don’t you have any hair?” question said EXACTLY what you said in almost exactly those words. Were you evesdropping somewhere? I even had the embarrassed mum apologising for her daughter’s question and I really didn’t mind. Lovely kid she was.
I am having a crap day today and put as much on my facebook status. This was what someone put!
“Good for you hunnie…but do please try and keep a positive attitude…It will help in your recovery…We love you just the same,moaning ,happy or sad…remember that…xx”
Answers on a postcard please!!! xx
Don’t think the postie would be allowed to deliver a postcard to you with my answer to that one writ large on the back! AAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH. Do you think this means we all got cancer to start with because we weren’t positive enough beforehand? Perhaps if we’d smiled 24/7 and always had a kind word and skipped through the meadows hand in hand with strangers, we would have never got breast cancer because we’d been too good and positive and upbeat? Uh oh, maybe by giving a negative response I have just set back my recovery…lmao…PURLEASE!
The ‘best’ well meaning comment I have had was about a week ago, and actually, it completely cheered me up, and gave me a good laugh at the same time, because of everyone else’s horrified reaction.
We have a lady who works in our local shop (scary mary), who is getting on in years and really quite blunt - I went in there the other day on my way into work, and she said ‘oh, I am so pleased to see you looking so well, because you really did look like crap for a few months’ (or words to that effect, I can’t remember exactly now). Sharp intakes of breath from all the other customers, and jubilation from me… thank god, someone has actually said I looked like crap going through chemo - because I was starting to worry that I’d actually always looked hideous but everyone had been too polite to say so… ‘don’t you look great?’ ‘Oh god, do I???’.
xx
I know trip. And fgs, what really got me was the be positive, it will help with your recovery!!! So along with surgery, rads, drugs and chemo, positivity is now a new treatment??? silly silly me, why on earth have I been putting myself through hell with my treatment, when a bit of positivity is going to cure me!!!
Still, it’s hard to remember to be positive when we’re so busy being brave and inspirational with beautifully shaped heads. Sigh. We’ll just have to try harder 
i have copied this from another thread. someones physcologist gave them a book to read with the following comment
“so many patients have told us that if they could magically go back to the point right before they got their cancer or other life-challenging disease, and erase what was to come, they would not”.
absolutely amazing. its the thread headed Straw Poll if you want to add your comments to that
And don’t forget we’re sooo lucky not to have to shave our legs.
Maybe we should get some t-shirts printed with suitable slogans.
How about " I would be positive if I didn’t feel like ****"
I suspect we have both spent more time than is really good for us with small children, primary teachers, classroom assistants and the like without actually being primary teachers ourselves, and have learned the lingo.
Cheryl
The thing about ‘being positive’ is that WE may try to be positive, not because it is a magic cure, but because it generally helps us get through all the embu99erance of cancer and treatment. And WE know that no one is positive all the way through and that we all have panics, meltdowns, crying jags and foul moods along the way.
But it’s very unhelpful when said by someone who doesn’t know the rest of it, however caring and thoughtful they are. It’s right up there with ‘everything is for the best’ in the chocolate teapot category of remarks.
Cheryl
I have challenged people on the “be positive” thing, and every person I have challenged has hopped about a bit, backpedalling and saying things like “Oh, I didn’t mean anything by it” or “well by that I mean strong, and you’re such a strong person” and that kind of thing.
As far as I’m concerned, the only bit of being positive about this whole experience is the positive test results, which I would have much preferred to be negative!
What I find very upsetting is that as soon as I’m not being brave, inspirational and positive most people stop getting in touch, and that’s just when I need support the most. As long as I’m okay they text, visit etc but not when I’m down (which I am at the mo and it’s really upsetting me.) When I go into work they say “we talk about you all the time.” Last time I said “Well I’d really like it if you would talk TO me as well!”
Rachel:
“Maybe we should get some t-shirts printed with suitable slogans”
How about, “Imagine you have just been diagnosed with cancer. You have a 50-50% chance of being here next year. You’re having chemo; your hair, eyebrows,eyelashes and nails have all fallen off. You can’t eat due to mouth ulcers and if you did, you’d puke it all up. Your libido has disappeared along with your other half.
Welcome to my world.
NOW stop telling me that I have to stay f***ing positive”.
Good idea Ninja. They’d need to be oversized t shirts to fit all that on but then we’re all looking so well because of weight gain that wouldn’t be a problem.
I saw a lady at local hosp with a cap saying F*** cancer. Could wear that with the t shirt!
Rachel x
Those slogan T-shirt sites have endless garments with ‘eff’ cancer on them. And a few other ones like, “yes, they’re fake, my real ones tried to kill me”
Harp, I could have written your post this morning, but instead I have been on facebook ranting away, which probably isnt a good thing!
I had my surgery on friday, and have basically crumbled. This is my third surgery for cancer, and mentally after the other two I was fine, but this time I have gone into meltdown, cant stop crying and have actually told people how I am feeling. One of my friends who I have known since I was four, is usually good, if not busy alot, but the last week, she was supposed to see me tuesday night, but had to cancel due to something important (I understood) she said she would call me the next night, she didnt call. I rang her in the end, her hubby said she would call me the next night, she didnt call. She did send a couple of texts after op saying she would come and see me and she would call. I text her Sunday telling her I needed her and I was crumbling, nothing, no reply. I sent her a couple of others, in the end on Monday telling her how I felt, nothing. Another friend text and said I am sorry you keep crying, I hope they can sort out your pain!!! I said its not pain I am crying from its mental stuff, I am in a terrible state and cant stop crying, guess what no reply. WTF why are people so selfish and uncaring. Am I expecting too much?
Hello stargazerlily,
So sorry to hear how you’re feeling and you’re not gettting the support from your friends. If you need a good listening ear and some extra support, do please give the helpline here a ring, they’re here to help you through this. Lines are open now, 0808 800 6000, free calls.
Take care,
Jo, Facilitator
Hi SGL,
You are NOT expecting too much from your friends especially not those who you think of as close friends! I have been through exactly the same thing with mine and sad to say those I wanted to turn to in some of my darkest moments were just not there for me when I needed them. I still feel very bitter about it because I was there for each of them during some pretty horrible stuff, not cancer but all the same stuff that would challenge most people and where were they when I just wanted someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on?
This sort of thing really hurts and in a way it is one of the worst side effects of cancer - you really do find out who your mates are.
I can’t offer much else to help except to say that you are not alone and send you a big ((((((((((((hug)))))))))).
Jo’s suggestion about the helpline is also a good one - they were great when I needed them.
Nymeria x
Hi Stargazerlily,
I’m feeling just like you at the moment. I just can’t stop crying and all I really need is a hug from someone other than my lovely kids. I am a single mum so no OH to cry to and have to be so strong for my girls as they are at a difficult time (eldest doing GCSEs) I feel like ditching most of my “friends” because they are just not there for me when I need them. I know they’re busy-I wish I was!! On the upside I do have one friend who rang when she saw my Facebook status and she is fab. She takes me to all my chemo sessions and comes round at least once a week despite the fact she is busy, has 3 kids one of whom is downs’syndrome. Also had some flowers today off a uni friend who lives miles away but really does care. But most people are just selfish I think. It’s just upsetting because, like you, I have helped them through difficult times in the past. I rang the centre at local hospital today and arranged to talk to a counsellor because I think I need to let it all out and then I might feel better. I feel weak having to do that but I need to talk to someone and my friends are just not there. Sending you a big hug from me and hoping we all feel much better very soon. Love Rachel x
You know what they say - if you want something done, ask a busy person!