Well some of the things i read on here are unbelievable, good job we all have each other ! Shar xx
“good job we all have each other !”
Too flipping true, I don’t know what I would do without all you lovely BCC folks!
Nymeria xx
Mezzomamma, your friend’s question “do you feel as well as you look?” is one of the nicest things I have ever heard! What a lovely way to give someone a compliment whilst acknowledging that they may not be feeling great - and giving them an opening to tell you that if they wish to.
Like many posters I have felt frustrated when people have told me I look good, feeling like either they are lying to try and make me feel better, or even in some cases as if they are implying “you can’t be THAT sick then!” Also I hate it when people ask how you are but you can tell they just want to hear “fine thanks!”, and they get that glazed look in their eyes if you start to tell them how you really are, because they don’t actually want to hear it. (yes, manager, I am talking about you…!!)
My response to “you look well” (and I do, mostly) is, “Yes, If I wasn’t having chemo I’d be back at work by now. This is a good week - next week’ll be ghastly” or some such! I’ve also had the “do you feel as well as you look” question - and I didn’t appreciate it as special, so thank you! It was!
The trouble is I do look well (largely due to extra stone in weight) so people just assume I feel well. My best friends realise though and are fab. My boss (best friend) came yesterday and made lunch for me and the girls, mowed my lawn and brought flowers. She also spent the day just chatting and making me laugh. There aren’t many people out there like that, but I really treasure the few there are. All the others can do a running jump!!!
Rachel x
I know what u mean Harp, people say these things thinking they are giving us a boost but it doesnt always help especially when they say my hair will grow back soon, be thicker, well it was thick enough before - and that it be in a bob by christmas - but i have friends who i am glad they say i look rough if i do, i hate it when someone says i look well when i look a total nightmare - its insulting!!! glad u have ur good friends, it helps so much, my have been thru hell and back with me no matter what and we have our share of non cancer talk days which i truly need, just to be me again. Shar xxx
Possibly being controversial here, but i really don’t mind being told i look well - because i do. I’ve looked well throughout the whole thing, ignoring the odd days of sickness and tiredness, but then again i didn’t go out then. People always say it in amazement, which actually makes me giggle. I also explain that actually, because the cancer is/was ‘only’ in my breast and not anywhere ‘vital’ that would affect my health - I am well, its the medicine that’s knocking me about.
Saying that, i’ve always worked at ‘looking well’ as i didn’t want the sympathetic glances.
Which has made me remember something my OH said.
I had terrible trouble with those WBC jabs, absolute pain all over. I was on my way to hosp to have my bloods tested to see if i could drop them and he said, “I don’t think you should wear your wig or make-up today because no-one takes you seriously about the pain because you look so well!”
Short-shrift followed and i left (limping, sore and tired) in full make-up and high heels. My theory being that THIS at least could NOT be taken away by bl**dy BC.
Stay calm I so agree with you.
I dress up now much more than I used to bother before the BC started. It gives you a boost.
Feel sorry for the OH though. I get togged up to go to work and look good all day in the office. Then when get home can’t wait to rip off the wig and get changed into scruffs. Result - the husband never sees me looking decent…
He’s very understanding but I hate the feeling that home is second best.
Going back to the thread and the annoying things people say:
“Being bald is really liberating”. Excuse me, what kind of feminist planet are you on???
Lots of love to all.
Lin
oh cripes where to start:
your head is shaped like grandads, did you know that…well meaning cousin
ive sent you a bc survivor book, hope you enjoy the read, and it explains any words you’re not sure on (cowbag)…well meaning know it all cousins wife…(returned the favour as she was dx with cervical last year…have had an apology for it now)
you’re so positive
you’re looking well
oh, so are you cured now
at least you dont have to buy shampoo anymore
at least you dont have to faff around doing your hair anymore
oh, so youre going to have a boob job done (hmm cos i chose it naturally)
you’re so brave, i don’t know what I would do if it were me (gee thanks, ill have it so you dont have to shall I)
ive done race for life in your honour this year (go boil your head)
do you want to do the moon walk in london next year as youve had bc, i think it would be good for you and I want to do it because youve been poorly…if you want to do it, go do it, but dont drag me into it
oh, we’ve done a collection for you (what for, my tombstone, who are you people)
snide little…that wig looks awful, not like hair at all, what do you think (two women who thought that obviously my hearing was gone as well…so whipped wig off and said…there hows that for you ladies does that make you feel better)
best comment was from a delivery guy, forgot to put my hair on…opened the door and got…‘holy crap, didnt realise love, erm erm, still youve got pretty eyes’ made me smile that one did.
At a checkout minus hair cos i couldnt be bothered…and got, oh did you do that for charity…erm nope, its cos im having chemo…oh, maybe you shouldve done it for charity instead…was a very blonde girl on the checkout
you cant be tired, you’ve done nothing but sleep for the last 3 days…hmm there might just be a reason for it
oh, now youve had your surgery, why arent you wearing any low cut tops to show off your boobs…cos i didnt before and i aint going to start now
ahhh, itll grow back im sure it will, im going to get my hair cut next week, not as extreme as yours, but will you come with me…hmmm shaving my head after chemo wasnt really a haircut choice…and boooger off
Buttons, I have laughed and cried in equal measure at your post, particularly your responses. Really loved the bit about whipping your wig off in front of the snidey ladies!
Buttons-I laughed and cried at your post too.
Here’s one for you to laugh at.
Went riding today with my girls and decided to wear my wig under riding hat so it looked more normal. It did…until I took the hat off at the end and the wig came off too and fell on the floor. My girls tried not to laugh and ended up collapsing in giggles with me, and the riding instructor just said “keep your hair on!” I wasn’t embarassed it was just so funny.
The thing I hate the most isn’t verbal, it’s the sypmpathetic voice and the sympathetic look, always from the least genuinely caring people on the planet,(or in my village). I call her weasel woman, because that’s what she looks like, and wish I could give her a good slapping with a wet mackerel.
I know what you mean hipchick. A well meaning friend just posted, " is this something you can get over" like i’ve had the flu. Needless to say my sharp response has not produced a reply or apology!
tbh ive found that women are the worst for comments that drove me up the wall, im sure they were all well meaning, but majority really used to wind me up. The lads, bless em, were the best, they went on a ‘we’re not drinking til your chemo has finished’ strike, cos I was banned…which I thought was fab. Shortly after shaving my swede, a lot of them were going out to Afghan, so the usual suspects all came out to the bar and we had a giggle about it…at the end of chemo/rads i was allowed to drink…first time in aaaages…up to the bar to get served…one well meaning (highly irritating) wife…should you be drinking…you know…in your condition…
Quick as a flash…ive got cancer im not bleeping pregnant…quick swivel round, nose in air, and stomp off to crowd of mates…feeling rather smug at the same time. My lot after that tease me and do the old, you cant use the pink card now…get the brews on…and various bits and pieces like that. Its those that dont know me very well, that come out with the most obnoxious comments. At a wedding, nobody but a few knew id been ‘poorly’ however, one of the well meaning wives announced halfway through the meal to a table of non-knowers…so hows your treatment going, are you ok now, whens your next check up…which swiftly followed the hubby of said wife telling her to shut her cake hole with some food…and the round of sympathetic murmourings and looks as well as the ‘but look at the amount of breakthroughs’ theres been…oh boooooger off lol
went for coffee with some friends today and one friend was talking about the next ten years being hard as our children will be driving, maybe getting married or going to uni and she thought the next ten years would be challenging. She was stressing about completely trivial things and i said “I just want to be here for my kids in ten years time!” You could have heard a pin drop!
oh rachel i can imagine, hugs to u .when are u nxt at hopt i do look out for u as on rads so there every day. csnt make next meeting as friendd bdsy tho will be in shrews.
Shar xxxx
I have my last chemo on 18th (next Thursday) at 10.30 am. Hope to see you soon x
Well two have got me today!
one was from a sweet old lady in my road, who told me that her special friend had bc 42 years ago and shes fine now!! WTF when are they going to realise that cancer kills and not everyone gets better!!! I did say to her this, and she looked really hurt, and then I felt guilty!
The other was from my SIL who knows I am starting chemo, herceptin and rads, and keeps asking if me and hubby will go ballroom dancing with them twice a week from September!!! The first one is the first day of my chemo, fgs!!! Does she not realise, I might not be up to doing my strictly rendition while I am maybe feeling crap! I keep telling her I dont want to commit to anything until I know how I am going to be with chemo and she says you will be fine!!!
SGL - It’s that ‘you’ll be fine’ that we keep on hearing.
When will we be ‘fine’?
When we sit there having alien chemicals pumped through our bodies?
When we sit watching TV and pulling tufts of hair from our heads?
When we look in the mirror and see a stranger looking back?
When we look at the mutilation that surgery has left us?
When we see the collapsed vein that will cause problems in our old age when we need more medical interventions?
Yes! I’ll ‘be fine’ because I have to be. I want to live. In the meantime I would appreciate it if it could be acknowledged that I am going through hell and I am worried about each stage that I have still to face. The idea that ‘eventually’ I’ll ‘be fine’ doesn’t even feature yet.
Hugs June
rant alert
Went on holiday. First holiday with my oh/kids since dx. Staying in a villa kindly lent to us by a friend. Have just about enough hair to not appear to have had chemo. Bought a swimming costume that hides my asymmetry. Really looked forward to being ‘normal’ for a week.
Arrived at the villa, the next door neighbour comes out to say hello. Virtually the first thing he says ( before we have even got through the door) is that he has the same as me!! and so does the woman across the road!! but she is in denial!!!- cant believe I couldnt even escape it there!! t
Then had the joys of finding out about where chemo goes in when you are a bloke and have bladder cancer, you might be able to guess.
feel better now- thanks for the getting it off my chest space!!!
debx