“you are such a positive person aren’t you?” said well meaning friend.
Here we go again I thought.
“yes you’re positive and not inward looking”
Ok - she’s right, I’m both of those thought I - but then she wrecked it:
“yes, you really are. In fact (here it comes!) ITs PROBABLY A GOOD JOB THAT YOU GOT IT BECAUSE YOU CAN COPE WITH IT BEST OF ALL OF US”
SCACO I would have punched her!
Wow, that’s a new one - “be positive, then you’ll get breast cancer cos you can cope with it!” Erm… no thanks.
My Facebook inbox is full of ‘how’s chemo, does it make you sick?’ messages.
Not ‘how’s aly’ the person underneath.
I don’t reply to them, tw*ts!
During chemo, Rector came to my house to pray with us. After prayer Rector said, do you mind me asking what stage 4 is. I said basically cancer is divided into stages, and there is no stage 5, to which he replied in a matter of fact way, “oh, so you’re going to die then”.
I was so taken back by his insensitivity, that I kept quiet, but in my head I was thinking, yes I am going to die, but say anything else, and you’ll be going a lot quicker than me.
Ha ha ha, I get the whole “you look so well, you’re coping well” thing - thats because I hide from the world for 10 days at a time when I’ve just had chemo and I look like death warmed up and I’m miserable as sin, because if I saw people then I’d not be great company. Most people don’t see me til week 3 which is when I’m at my best and as soon as I feel better I’m using fake tan wipes so that I feel like I look normal (not for others, for me!)and I put on a bit of make up.
I’m in danger when I’m really down, which I am over the 10 days, of actually saying stuff to well meaning people and of being horrible so I avoid contact by phone/in person.
Even my best mate can p*ss me off unintentionally, like when I said how utterly wiped out I feel, she has 3 kids, one of which is 1 years old and she said “Oh I know how you feel, I’m exhausted all the time” - and I thought, no you actually don’t - I had no idea just how utterly utterly physically exhausted anyone would feel in this situation. OK so I don’t know whats its like to look after a baby, I wish I bloody well could and you CHOOSE to have a baby, it’s not thrusted on you.
Sometimes though I wonder if there are RIGHT things to say to people going through this, other than saying “That’s sh*t”
My OH has been surprisingly good - his lack of talking in general has been a blessing in this instance! He messages me in the day when I’m going through all this with a “how you feeling?”, then I have a vent and then he tells me he loves me, or makes me laugh with deliberate inappropriateness like “dont think you can start slacking off though” or “but what about making my tea?” LOL.
He gives me big hugs too, doesn’t come out with the b*llocks standard “think positive” or “nearly through” or whatever, only I’m allowed to say that. He treats me as he always has but I’m also aware that hes more thoughtful in general.
I’ve been fortunate that most of the time I can carry on with the domestic stuff in the house like cooking/cleaning etc. I don’t know how he’d cope if he had to work full time, travel, and do all the domestic things too. I don’t mind doing them whilst I’m at home all day, gives me some sense of normality.
El K, looking after a baby is without doubt tiring, but it’s something you can hand off to someone else if you feel a bit wiped out so you can go and rest for a while. That’s not an option for us, who have no choice but to struggle through it, even though it feels like wading uphill through treacle wearing swimming flippers while dragging a truck up that same hill. And how particularly insensitive to you, knowing as I’m sure she does that you were trying for a baby when all of this hit.
Your OH sounds lovely, and very caring. I also slap people down VERY hard when they say things like “only one more to go” when all I’m thinking is, “oh no, I’ve got to do this yet again”.
LG, I can’t believe someone in a supposedly “caring” profession could be so thoroughly insensitive, and I love your inner voice’s comment - just a shame you didn’t let your inner voice borrow your outer voice for a moment. I hope you gave him a VERY big stare!
Lemongrove you made me laugh - what a shame you didn’t actually say it out loud- it might have made him think about his insensitivity.
On the religious side how about the ones who say -“God only sends you what you can cope with”!!!
We women with BC not only have beautifully shaped heads, are inspirational, brave etc etc we must have magnificent coping skills too.
CM - She does forget a lot about the 5 years we were trying for a baby and the miscarriage, oh and that we’ve been told it’s not going to happen now cos of BC. She’s tried to make me feel better by pointing out how hard it is bringing up a family, thing is I know she means well and that she loves me, we’ve been best mates since we were 6, thats 29 years of friendship. I think people don’t know what to say so try and say things to make you feel better and inadvertedly piss you off in the process 
Like when I say how much I’m sleeping, she’s saying “God I’d love to be able to sleep all the time” and I have said back to her “I’m sure you wouldn’t love to sleep all the time as a side effect of Chemo though”
LG - what a thing to say! Could be better ways of putting it!
CM - My OH has been really great, I was seriously worried when I got the Diagnosis because in the past he just sat there and let me run myself into the ground working full time, travelling 2 hours a day, doing EVERYTHING domestic at home, shopping and everything and didn’t lift a finger. I nearly had a breakdown at one point from it all, but he had a depression at the time so I didn’t have a monumental screaming fit at him.
I was worried as hell about how it would affect our relationship because I thought if he continued expecting me to do everything and I couldn’t that I’d end up splitting up with him or something.
So I’ve been relieved to say the least and pleasantly surpised.
No relationships are without their problems. I think maybe now he’s appreciating how much I did do and perhaps feeling a bit bad about taking me for granted in the past. I think also when we didn’t know the extent of the cancer and whether I had mets or not, that him having to face the potential of losing me at a young age has made him realise just what I do mean to him. He was in pieces at the thought of it.
Aren’t men daft sometimes?
I feel very loved and cared for by my OH, having read some of the stories on here, I feel fortunate!
El your OH sounds great … I think its best when my OH just doesn’t TRY to say the right thing lol as it usually sounds bad & he realizes once he has said it I see that (Oh S*it that was wrong) look in his eyes or it may be the ’ what a plonker look im giving him’ !
Lemongrove that Vicar would have been wearing his collar somewhere that would do more than choke him I bet you felt floored by that response
One I forgot & I bet you all heard so often a women we know well that does deliveries saw her the other week she always chats for a while she asked me how I was to which I replied im ok I told her id been diag with BC she said sorry to hear that but dont worry its so curable these days not the death sentence it was, I didn’t say a word as I did not know how to reply to that without bursting into tears … how do you reply to that one answers on a post card please
Mekala xx
Well to a degree she’s right, *as long as it’s not spread* - however it doesn’t stop it being sh*t and also you’re going to have to go through treatment and all that entails and have the worry of it coming back again.
Treatments improve all the time.
My 11yr old stepdaughter came up with a good one yesterday. She said they’d been talking in class about the future and a girl in her class said in the future it’d be really good if someone with cancer could go into a special room for a few days and have all the cancer out of their body so it’d go away and never ever come back. I said that would be lovely. Her grandma has cancer apparently.
El K
I love it- bring on that special room!
My one is “ooo lucky you, you are going to have such wonderful pert breasts and a flat tummy” or “look there only breasts its a small sacrafice to safe your life”
Don’t get me started on the positive one. Or I have one friend saying, you will be fine, don’t worry. I feel like saying how the %£%%8** (swear words) do you know, do you possess some powers of knowing whats going to happen in the future, that the doctors dont have!!
Or Bearing in mind, I have had a hysterectomy and four other operations in the last year before the cancer. “I think having all the other things was gods way of preparing you for the big one”!!!
Apparently “I’m the right sort of person to get cancer” as I have such a positive attitude - don’t you just want to smack them (sorry not aggressive normally!)
Mekalar - I’m constantly getting “well breast cancer is the best sort of cancer to get as you can be cured”. I sarcastically told one lady that my oncologist must have got it wrong when he told me I can’t be cured only treated and that she should have a word with him - she soon shut up
Linda
x
hey
my cemo and rads finished 2 about a month ago. and the cancer was removed with a wle. so its all gone. tamofeon for 5 years.
i feel like its gone and i get quite affended when people refer to me as a cancer patient or someone that has cancer.
i feel like going on tv, shouting, i havent it was removed in sept!!!
hey
my cemo and rads finished 2 about a month ago. and the cancer was removed with a wle. so its all gone. tamofeon for 5 years.
i feel like its gone and i get quite affended when people refer to me as a cancer patient or someone that has cancer.
i feel like going on tv, shouting, i havent it was removed in sept!!!