I have just finished reading the whole thread! It is inspirational, shocking, funny …
I have a couple to add.
My aunt, who is well meaning, and coming from the right place, but a bit thoughtless, decided to send me a gift when she heard I had to go through chemo and lose my hair again (I have secondaries, so first chemo was with the first diagnosis in 2002, this one was last year). My parents called me, really concerned, as she had told them what she had sent… A couple of nail varnishes, as the oncology nurses suggested that if I wore nail varnish it may protect my nails from the UV light and keep them stronger (it worked for me) and … A WIG! Yes, really!!! I just didn’t know how to react! I mean, it is so personal! It turned up, a joke bright pink one, but, really!
The second was when I was doing a Race for Life. I did a lot of running and a few Races for Life with my lovely friends between diagnoses, and am generally inspired and moved by the things people write on their running badges - running in memory of people who have cancer, in memory, etc. Except for the young girl (late teens/early 20s) running in memory of her HAMSTER -complete with picture of said fluffy animal! I felt like she had thumped me, and I still don’t know how I didn’t say anything - what an insult to everyone there.
I admit, I get angry when people moan to me that they are getting old - I always tell them that it is better than the alternative - I don’t know if I will get old!
I am generally very lucky though, very thoughtful friends, family and work colleagues. Only the other day my cousin sent me a little gift of some Clarins freebies she got for me - I haven’t actually met her in person for years, and am 2 years into treatment for secondaries, so it is nice that people still remember me even though it is not all “new”.
I am loving this site 
I have just read the whole of this thread and although I have only been dx for a few weeks I beleive I have heard a fair amount of these comments (I also hold my hand up and say that I may have been guilty of using some of them in the past!)
I have spent the last few hours with tears in my eyes at some of the things people think it is alright to say and have laughed out very loud at some of them too.
I have just had a small lump removed, started hormone treatment and awaiting Radiotherapy but its amazing how many peple say
“at least they caught it early”
“as long as you don’t need Chemo it mustn’t be too bad”
“You are strong, you will get through this”
I am sure all very well intended but making it sound not too bad doesn’t make it go away.
I do find all of these posts amusing! People have the best of intentions when they talk to us but unfortunately most people don’t know what to say and usually end up saying the wrong things.
I started a new job after I finished active treatment, my new boss knew my medical history. I found out that his mother had breast cancer when she was 55 (same age as me at dx) he constantly refers to it and says he doesn’t want to mention how is mother is because it might upset me. His mother is now mid 80s for goodness sake. Yes it came back for her but she has still had another 30 years and still living independantly.
It is annoying! but he means well.
When I was first dx quite a few people started treating me with extra care.
The concerned, head tilted, looks were irritating, but when people started rushing to carry things for me (this was before I’d started any treatment) I did have to gently point out that the lump in my boob hadn’t robbed me of the use of my legs!
My manager, on each of her four welfare visits would say “How are you? You do look well. I hope you’re eating enough”. Considering I put on 2 stones in weight while I was having chemo, felt terrible and had a moon-shaped face because of the steroids, I was always at a loss as to how to reply to her. It remnded me of my mother telling me about my uncle who had been in Burma during World War 2. He came back very thin and ill but because he had a sun tan he was greeted by everyone with “How are you? You do look well!” before he had a chance to say anything.
This thread is a treat - and saved me from much embarrassment on Monday I think …I was asked to do a lecture on kindness for the local hospital trust consultants group…when i was planning it I wanted to tell the story of after my MX when the surgeon came to see me and tweeked my big toe and smiled and said the op was really fine and all tumour margins good …whih i thought was very kind and human of him and not at all surgeon like…
ANYWAY I suddenly realised cos of remembering this thread that if I said that I would have a lecture theatre full of doctors staring at my boobs trying to work out which one it was!!!
PHEW…
thanks lasses! best N
I have just finished chemo. A few weeks ago I was chatting to our neighbour and he said “you look really well”. Chatted to him again tonight for the first time since then and he said “you look really well, you looked really tired last time we spoke”
er…I thought you said I looked really well the first time…?
Well meaning comments from friends and family are one thing, but from the professionals … During 6 cycles of FEC chemo and desperate to keep my hair, if at all possible, as my daughter was getting married 2 months after my treatment was due to end, I endured the miserable experience of 4 hourly sessions of the Cold Cap during each session. Although my hair thinned, I had always worn it short, so I kept it styled and was very grateful not to lose it.
Six months after my treatment ended it is now possibly even thicker than it was originally. When I saw my Breast Care Nurse last week for the first time since chemo, she said, ‘I take it that’s not your own hair’.
How do you react to that? Yes it is actually, but does that mean that you think it looks like a wig??!!!
Maybe, ‘how did you get on with the Cold Cap?’ would’ve been more subtle, and would a wig really have grey roots growing through? I suppose I should just be thankful I’ve got a sense of humour as well as my hair!
BUMP for Mythos and others. Enjoy and add.
Hi All
Just had to share with ladies who will understand…
When trying to explain to my mum how upset I was at having to have a mx after two lumpectomies, she said “oh, it’ll be like when you were a teenager and putting cotton wool in your bra”, no it bloody won’t my breast won’t grow again!
Sometimes just a hug would be nice xx
Sending you a hug.
Pauline xxx
Why since my diagnosis has my ame changed to ‘Oh Jayne’, I am fine just being Jayne grrrrrrrr!!!
old thread i know but this has had me crying with laughter i am planning on working though and work in a shop so should get some classics
Great thread. Sums up those real feelings when everyone and their brother wants to tell you how well you look - really got on my nerves. My “favourite” is an extension of the person who says they know you will be ok - when someone tells you “I had a friend who had breast cancer …” and then they tell you all about their treatment and end with how they died!! Like, what am I supposed to do with that? It hasn’t happened just once but on several occasions.
A friend gave me a copy of a book called “Smile or die” about how society seems to require us to be positive - the inference being if we dont the cancer will come back. The author is against this notion. An interesting read, after which I decided to answer truthfully but have to say people just don’t want to hear the truth (even if you spare the details) I think it makes them feel uncomfortable. I have come to the conclusion that most people cannot handle those of us with cancer because it makes them feel vulnerable - I have colleagues at work who just cannot bear to speak to me at all since my diagnosis - sad but true.
Just remembered what my boss said to me the day before my first operation:- I had some work that needed to be covered whilst I was away and at the time I was hoping to be away for just 3 months or so. On my final day in work, the day before my surgery my boss still hadn’t told me who was to cover the work . I rang him and told him that I would be leaving in an hour and that if he wanted the handover he needed to make a decision - he came to my office and spent 5 minutes telling me how I needed to understand how hard his life was, how busy he was, how he had staff off sick and problems, blah, blah, blah! I was so incensed but very calmly offered to swap my life for his so that he could go and have the cancer treatment and I would deal with his busyness. As you might imagine he just shut up.
Positive? Yes, I’m positive I got cancer!
The other day when somebody asked how I was doing, I replied “Well it’s tough you know, I’m getting kind of whingey now, ask my husband!”
To which they replied, “Ah well, you must be feeling better then, if you’re whinging”
.“No, … I’m whinging because I have had six months of chemo following two painful surgeries, and I still have rads to go. I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, and far from getting used to my appearance, it upsets me more and more each day. I hate having cancer, and I’m never going to be the same again…!!!”
All the above was in my head of course, although I may have been heard to mutter, "not really … "
Elli - I had a friend (with hair so short that it could be chemo hair coming back) who offered to shave her head in solidarity with me… told another friend, (who’s much more concerned about her looks) and she thought for a while then said “that’s a lovely suggestion… and I WOULD join in, but I’ve just spent so much on my hairdo, it would be such a waste” I too fell about…
It’s not just us with our bald heads, I realise… I went to a party last week, and a lady I hadn’t seen for months came in, looking fabulous. I heard someone complement her on her hair (which was great) and I also complemented her. There was something about her reaction that made me say “you don’t seem very happy with it”… I’ve lost my hair… poor girl… It DID look fab, but I know I never felt fab in my wig…
kbo, as WInston would say…
Jane
Picked up friend from airport and all I wanted to hear was what a great time she had. But no she was keen to tell me that her sisters friends wife had died of cancer. Where did that come from ? I don’t even know her sister! Not sure what answer she was expecting from me…
Just joined the forum and really appreciated this whole thread (started back in 2011!). Best thing I have read on any of the forums out there.
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