Just been reading your posts and was so pleased i wasnt the only one with husband issues. Im 2 years post diagnosis now but during treatment hubby never showed his emotions, found it hard to hug me or discuss emotional stuff. He was a brilliant support though and helped around the house etc. At the time i would get so frustrated with him and its only now the dust has settled ive learnt how scared he was and he just couldn't show it to me as he had to be the strong one. He has said that it is so hard going from husband to carer and then back to husband again..id never thought of that. I wish he would have talked to someone about it all, and possibly he did just not me. I had a single masectomy with no recon and its taken a while for him to look at that too. Strangely i never had a problem with it.
So husbands are a funny breed and as individual as this bloody cancer i guess.
Asda is my go to for post op bras too. And mens shirts are perfect post op.
Thanks for making me think about my husband, wouldnt swap him for the world but sometimes only another lady going through this can help.. so we are all here for you.
I hope all goes well for you.
It is funny that your husbands comment was about the size of your boobs. My husband's comment was that my boobs were so small no-one would notice if they went so I think they are both on the same wavelength.
The bra I found the best after surgery was a silhouette sleep bra. It is very soft and doesn't dig in to the scars and it gives to go over the dressings. It is quite pretty and feminine too, later I moved onto wearing nursing bras as I found them more comfortable. I purchased sports bras but they hurt too much as they were too restrictive and pressed on my drain scars.
With regards to getting back to riding it will really depend on the treatment after surgery. If I had just the originally planned surgery I am sure I would be riding by now (about 3 months after). I was able to drive 2 weeks after surgery and went back to work.
Spending time with the animals will certainly help your recovery. Take care of yourself.
Landygirl, thank you so much for your reply. Some really helpful advice there. It does sound like our home lives are similar.
Hoping to get some meals made this week to go in the freezer, great suggestion.
Husband this afternoon declared that he realised I was going to need smaller bras after my breasts were reduced! I suppose I should be glad that he’s thinking about it!
My horses live out all year round so are fairly easy to deal with. One is retired, one is a foal and my boy that I ride will take no harm from some more time off. I’ve not been riding because of lambing and the virus anyway. I should however be able to spend time with the three of them as well as my dogs and cats, I know they will be some of my best medicine.
Some of the button up tops I ordered online from Sainsbury’s have arrived but I shall check out Amazon for bras.
Thank you. xx
It must have been really hard for you to tell your children. I don’t have children but it worries me that I have to tell my Mum when she’s on her own.
As for husbands, they are strange creatures aren’t they? Mine seems to get worse to be honest.
I shall certainly let you know how my surgery goes.
Look after yourself.
Thanks for replying. I’m pleased to hear you are going strong.
My horse is a calm quiet soul so I wont worry on that point but as I’m not riding at the moment due to the virus it’s likely that will be a factor for a while unfortunately.
So sorry that you have to be part of this group. I was diagnosed in December 2019 and had a mastectomy at the beginning of January. I am currently having chemotherapy before I have further surgery and radiotherapy later in the year. My homelife seems very similar to you, my husband has a farming background and is always out working. Even the day I came home from the hospital after surgery he had stuff to do so left me in my own. My advice is try and get some food made up (casseroles, soups etc) which are easy for your husband/you to heat up to get you through the first few days. I was able to make simple meals within a few days.
My husband initially wanted to talk about things but soon after the surgery he stopped talking about it and now it feels we pretend nothing is happening. It seems to be his way of coping. Try and surround yourself with friends or family you can talk to instead of your husband; you will need someone to help you through this emotionally.
Zip up tops and button shirts are essential, I ordered mine from Amazon and also had my post surgery bra from there too.
I have a horse and although my husband looked after her initially, by day 10 I was able to clean out the stable and give her bags etc. It gave me some structure to the day and I pottered around at my own pace. My girl is very calm and gentle and has great stable manners so I know I am safe around her. I haven't ridden yet but my girl is fine to be left for a while so I am not rushing into that. I find spending time outside with the animals relaxing and it is normal so I feel I can forget about what is happening to my body.
Although this is tough you will be able to do things but take it steadily. You will have good days and feel like you can do a lot and other days when getting up is all you can manage. You need to listen to your body but you can get through this and I found it isn't as bad as you first think.
The hardest thing I found is telling friends and family. At the moment with not being able to see anyone it will be harder to let others know your news. I hope you are able to find a way to speak to others about what you are going through.
Good luck with everything.
There is a section on the forum for partners etc....
Some partners do post to get ideas on how best they can provide support (when they don't want to admit their thoughts/concerns/worries to their loved ones).
Hope those of you waiting for op's don't have too long to wait. Feel for you all going through this at this time,
XXX Seabreeze (nearly 6 years on and doing ok )
I was diagnosed in March too. Grade 1 ER+ I am on Letrozole, with a view to Surgery 'later' after lockdown etc. Sounds like my husband is reacting similar to yours, he doesn't talk about it. It's like it isn't happening. I found it hard telling my kids over the phone, but circumstances the way they are, it had to be done. It's new to me having people ask what they can do to help. It's usually the other way round! I hope your surgery goes well when it eventually happens. It would be nice to hear from you afterwards. Pat x
Hi horseylass, just wanted to say hi and welcome to our very sh*t club! I can see Jaybro has covered everything really well so don’t need to add practical advice. We are all brave because we have to be, not by choice and it’s ok if you can’t cope with it some times. I had many a melt down in the early days. My diagnosis was stage 3 in March 2017 (Age 48) and I’m still here and going strong! You will be back in the saddle again but make sure you give yourself healing time. It may depend how spirited your horse is. If you have a plodder then you’ll be back into it sooner but if your horse is a bit more feisty you might need extra time. Best wishes. X
Jan, thank you so much for your reply. For a start I had no idea that anywhere was still selling clothes. I have managed to order a couple of bras and tops online which is great.
Yes, I will have a drain.
Husband is a typical farming type, he will look after me I know he will but he will get bored and he can’t cook so what we will eat until I’m able to do it will be limited! I will try and get him to talk more, thank you.
I will try and talk to my friends, again thank you for that kick up the bum.
I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me, it’s good to have some advice from someone who knows where I’m at.
Thank you x
Yes, indeed it is a s**t club to join but no one really gets a choice so here we all are, some new, some getting through, some out the other side and some revisiting. I’m out the other side but a mess of side effects 🙂
As regards button-front clothes, get online to somewhere cheap like George/Asda. They do comfy sports/comfort bras and excellent pjs at a very good price. I was small-breasted and had a full mastectomy so I wanted tight and firm sports bras. I progressed to comfort bras but eventually had to go specialist for mastectomy bras. But George does those too (post-surgery bras). How did I cope? I nicked a couple of my husband’s shirts and lived in those and joggers for a couple of weeks. The more room, the better, especially if you are sent home with a drain dangling - worth checking if that’s likely.
Husband. Yep. A good one that. You know him best. Mine waited on me hand and foot (it’s not easy doing things attached to a drain) and was great with practical things, even if he couldn’t drive. He was very always supportive but made no emotional connection with the breast cancer at all. He saw me through some very rough times. Once I was well on the way to recovery, I realised that he had made an emotional connection I didn’t recognise - he’d been terrified of losing me, never said, bottled it up, held onto all the horrid things like when I got sepsis, until he cracked. He started being sick every day - as they say, the stomach is the second brain! Fortunately, Macmillan support was available and I lured him into 1-to-1 counselling which really helped him. So my advice is to talk, talk, talk. Don’t let him pretend it’s not important or scary because it is and often partners feel helpless and retreat into denial. It will always work its way out and clout you all hard!
Friends. You need them. You need someone to moan to who will understand or accept the sheer discomfort of boob problems. You may find you have a friend who has an acquaintance who’s been through it - these are the friends you need. You will have a mess of emotional baggage (diagnosis, surgery, recovery, results, then what...) and the more open you can be about it, the better for you. Pretending it’s not important is at best a short-term solution. It still has to be dealt with. This time, you don’t need to be the strong one - do you think less of the friends who need you?? They can Skype, they can send flowers and jokes and mixes, they can listen - even if for now they can’t hug. You’ll probably get a lot of comfort from the horses too but don’t push yourself. Do your exercises repeatedly but let someone else do the horsey stuff for now.
Ok, overload here. Obviously this is not a great time to have to face all this rubbish but you have no control over it so trust your team to have your best interests at heart. Make good use of your breast care nurse - you are never a nuisance - and the nurses here are great to talk to, really knowledgeable and reassuring. And if you feel tearful, have a bloody good cry. It IS unfair and is worth many tears but it will work out ok in the end. Take good care of yourself,
What a 💩 club this is to be a member of!
I was diagnosed in March. I have my surgery date now of 5th May. My surgery is NHS but being done at the Nuffield hospital as the district hospital is a Covid hotspot. I’m taking Letrozole too. Obviously with all the virus carry on things have been a bit strange. All the advice about getting suitable bras and button up pyjamas is not really relevant as I can’t go shopping anyway! I don’t think I own a blouse or anything that does up at the front either. How have you all coped?
Due to the size of my boobs I’m having a lumpectomy and a breast reduction at the same time. I’d be grateful if anyone can advise what to expect and how long the recovery is. As you may gather from my username I have horses and am wondering how long it will be until I’m back able to do things with them.
At the moment I haven’t told anyone other than my husband. He doesn’t seem to really want to talk about it. He’ll talk about the practicalities of appointments and stuff but not the fact that I have cancer. Is that normal?
I can’t actually speak face to face with any other friends or family and it seems a bit abrupt to just send people messages or FaceTime to tell them. I don’t like to worry people when they can’t really do anything. I seem to veer from tearful to ‘It’ll be right’ on a regular basis. I’m always the strong, supportive one amongst friends so find it hard to have to rely on others.
Thats it I guess!